Monday, September 10, 2012

Remember !

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the September 11, 2001 Islamic terrorist attack on the Twin Towers in New York City and the Pentagon. God bless the victims of the attack and God bless all those who helped in the rescue of the survivors. We will never forget !

A tough road to ho? Well, maybe. If you're a woman of ill repute walking on an asphalt thoroughfare and being described by a ghetto rat, the phrase may be correct. The term, however mangled and/or misspelled, is "tough row to hoe." Taken from farmers, it refers to weeding and clearing around a row of plants using an implement called a hoe.

As one who has actually had to do this task on my father's farm, the hair on the back of my neck stands up when I hear the term misused, especially by supposedly educated types in the media and on television.

The News As I See It: I was unaware of this, but Al Gore spoke at the Democratic convention. He said, "Hot dogs, peanuts, cold drinks!"

Mark Zuckerberg announced he will not sell his 440 million shares of Facebook stock for at least a year. Then, if he does sell, he'll use the money from the sale of the stock to maybe see a movie or take his wife out for a bite to eat.

The economy is so bad that Mitt Romney was at the supermarket buying Lobster Helper. It's so bad that Clint Eastwood talked to a chair while going through the cushions looking for spare change.

A man was arrested in Pennsylvania for planting marijuana on the property of a church. People could tell something was up because instead of communion wafers, the priest was just handing out Barbeque Pringles. After confession, the priest had people do four Hail Marys and five Willie Nelsons.

There were two earthquakes in Beverly Hills recently. As people in Beverly Hills were running out of their homes, everyone was yelling the same thing. Oscar and Emmy winners out first.

There was a big shakeup on "American Idol." There is still a vacant judge's seat. The producers are in a great hurry to fill the empty seat before Clint Eastwood shows up and starts yelling at it.

This Date In History: 1813; Oliver H. Perry sent his famous message, "We have met the enemy, and they are ours," after defeating the British in the Battle of Lake Erie in the War of 1812.

1846; Elias Howe of Massachusetts received a patent for his sewing machine. 1939; Canada declared war on Germany, entering WWII.

1963; Twenty black students entered public schools in Birmingham, Mobile, and Tuskegee, Alabama, after President John F. Kennedy sent National Guardsman to end the standoff with Alabama Governor George Wallace.

1988; Steffi Graf achieved tennis' first Grand Slam since Margaret Court in 1970 by winning the U.S. Open women's final. 2002; Switzerland became the 190th member of the United Nations.

Picture Of The Day: This picture brings back many memories, most of which I can't recant and the rest I can't remember..... 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My Uncle in Chicago was a staunch conservative and voted straight line Republican until the day he died. Now, he votes Democrat. 2) I see nothing but continued growth and expansion for the foreseeable future...but enough about my diet. 3) My great-uncle once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building.  He changed my mind at the last minute, so he just flipped over and landed on his feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done." 4) I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.  5) To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 10th: Your vision will never fail as long as you avoid sticking forks into your eyes. Everything you read online today will turn out to be a complete scam, but I'm being redundant. Chance of romance is 63.27 percent depending on how you look at it.

Birthdays: William Torrey Harris, educator and philosopher 1835, Elsa Schiaparelli fashion designer 1890, Arnold Palmer, golfer 1929, Charles Kuralt, television news reporter 1934, Roger Maris, baseball player 1934, Stephen Jay Gould, paleontologist and science writer 1941, Amy Irving, actress 1953, Colin Firth, actor 1960, Randy Johnson, baseball player 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two 70 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for.

The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth! Makes you feel like a man of 30." The second then asked, "Can you get it over the counter?" The first man,"You probably could, if you took 2 pills."

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired, I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 28 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"

The young man says, "That's fantastic! Why the hell are you crying!?" The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head" clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plip! Plop!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head!"

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

Down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina'?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either."

That's it for today, my little Wile E. Coyotes. Remember, Always start your diet on the same day.....tomorrow! That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

Five Willy Nelson's. Hee hee.

jack69 said...

Hey, I'm back 8 days and 70 miles short. Loved today's news and especially the printable s.
And yes, We shall never forget 9/11.
have a good day today!!!!