The Super Bowl - Odds And Mostly Ends

I have come to the conclusion that "on the cusp" has nothing to do with astrology. In actuality, and not being overly specific, it refers to that period of time that, for the fifth time in two hours and after completely perusing two newspapers, one patiently awaits a nagging reminder from one's bodily warning system, that a bowel movement is in order, but has yet come to pass.

The National Football League is asking it's players to donate their brains to medicine, ostensibly to study the effects of head collisions. The only thing that could possibly be funnier than that is if the National Basketball Association asks its players to donate their brains to study their inability to conjugate the verb "To Be."

Congratulations to the New York Giants in their Super Bowl win over the New England Patriots. The Super Bowl halftime show was one the most amazing feats of engineering I've seen in a long time. The crew had less than 20 minutes to deploy a complex system of rigging, cranes, and pulleys. And once they got Madonna in her corset, they had to put up the stage.

Dating sites are not my cup of tea, but to each, his own. I do believe however that the Christian dating site "Christian Mingle" may be a little off base when using the motto, "Meet God's match for you." Somehow, I think God has his hands full looking over this world of lunatics and I'm relatively sure that the least of his concerns is that if Jeremiah hooks up with Priscilla. But, that's just me....

If I learned anything from the Super Bowl ads, I learned it from super model Adriana Lima. I realized I didn't know the rules about sending flowers.

The News As I See It: There is an Internet warning issued by the Departmet of Homeland Security. If you get an email titled; "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi," Don't open it! It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.

Obama spoke at the national prayer breakfast. The president said that his Christian faith is the driving force behind his economic policies. So I guess instead of blaming Bush, it's now all Jesus’ fault. He says a brief prayer every morning, but then Joe Biden shows up anyway. So I don't know if it really works.

The House of Representatives has passed a bill that prohibits people from using welfare money in strip clubs or liquor stores. I agree with that. Strip clubs and liquor stores should be off limits for people who get government funds, you know, like congressmen.

Mitt Romney won the Florida Republican presidential primary election, beating Newt Gingrich handily. Political analysts believe that elderly voters in Florida rejected Newt Gingrich because of fears that he would eventually leave them for a younger state.

Newt Gingrich is being sued by the guy who wrote the song, "Eye of the Tiger." He's using it in his campaign. Gingrich says he wants the song because he's a big fan of Rocky. He loves Rocky. Did he see the movie? Didn't Rocky lose to the black guy? Hello?

This Date In History: 1788; Massachusetts ratified the U.S. Constitution, becoming the sixth state to join the Union. 1804; Joseph Priestley, British chemist, died. His work on the isolation of gases led him to discover oxygen in 1774.

1899; The Spanish-American War ended when a peace treaty between Spain and the United States was signed. 1933; The 20th Amendment to the Constitution, which set the date for the president's inauguration on Jan. 20, was adopted. 1935; The popular board game Monopoly® went on sale for the first time.

1952; Princess Elizabeth became Queen Elizabeth II of Great Britain. 1971; Astronaut Alan B. Shepard hit a golf ball and Edgar Mitchell threw a "javelin" on the moon. They landed in the same crater and remain on the Moon today. 2001; Ariel Sharon was elected prime minister of Israel.

Picture Of The Day: The Super Bowl - An event in and of itself.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) This winter in Miami thus far is the warmest that I can remember. I don't know if that is a sign of global warming or Old Timer's disease. 2) I saw something on television this weekend it included an offer for a "free" gift. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? 3) She was so tall she could hunt geese with a rake. 4) When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. 5) Every time I walk into AREA 51 for happy hour, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!".....and that's five!

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 6th: The waters part and your day should flow smoothly. That thought that you had last night may soon turn into a reality. Don't pay attention to people who measure distance with colloquialisms like "as the crow flies." You will be walking and carrying a gas can. Chance of romance is 82.51 percent assuming you don't run out of gas (uh, that's literally and figuratively).

Birthdays: My pals Linda (today) and Melissa (tomorrow) - Happy Birthday girls! 19XX, Aaron Burr, political leader 1756, Jeb Stuart, cavalry commander 1833, Babe Ruth, baseball player 1895, Ronald Reagan, 40th President of the United States 1911, Mary Douglas Leakey, archaeologist 1913, Zsa Zsa Gabor, actor 1917, François Truffaut, film director and critic 1932, Bob Marley, reggae singer 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license and they'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate", not 'fascinating'."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Linda in Washington State, Pat in the U.K. and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16-gauge shotgun against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of number 4 shot in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he regained consciousness. His doctor, Sven, said, "Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot." Ole asked, "What's the bad news?"

Sven said, "The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ." Ole says, "Well, that doesn't sound too bad. Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" Sven says, "No, She's a piccolo player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. The coroner said, "The first body is Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress, hence the enormous smile"

The coroner continues, "The second body is Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, who won $50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky and died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What about the third body?" The coroner said, "This is the most unusual one. This is Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."
The inspector inquires, "Why is he smiling then?" The coroner replied, "He thought he was having his picture taken."

A guy goes over to his brother's house, all bruised and his clothes torn. His brother says, "Man, where have you been?" The guy says, "I just got back from burying my mother-in-law," His brother asks, "How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?" The gut replies, "She wouldn't lie still!"

That's it for today, my little pop tarts. Remember, everyone has a photographic memory. It's just that some don't have film. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

The Weekend Has Arrived - The Budweiser Shootout And The Super Bowl

It's Super Bowl weekend and everyone will be affected in one form or another. For most men, it is the football party of the year where men and women get together to barbecue, party and otherwise get about half-slammed. The party revelry notwithstanding, mucho money will exchange hands this weekend in the form of bets and/or football pools.

The game has a great match-up with two really good teams. The Indianapolis Colts are 6 point favorites over the underdog New Orleans Saints. Saint's fans have waited a long time for their team to get into the Super Bowl, not as long as they waited for FEMA, but a long time.

Super Bowl Sunday is also a day where even football widows can be partially entertained watching the television commercials. At a time when broadcast networks are struggling, there are always companies that can't resist shelling out millions to show off their brands in front of a guaranteed massive audience. This year, CBS is charging about $2.5 million per 30-second spot.

Budweiser is probably the champion advertiser of all time, having shelled out over 350 million dollars in Super Bowl advertising over the years. The Budweiser Clydesdale horses still remain the number one fan favorite, but who can forget the Budweiser frogs of yesteryear and the infamous, Louie the Lizard (turn off the music on the playlist on my sidebar).

The News As I See It: President Obozo won't be at the Super Bowl, but in the spirit of cooperation, he’s invited a number of Republicans to attend his Super Bowl party. That should be interesting. They’ll need a two-thirds vote before they can pass the Doritos. Obozo is going to skip the Winter Olympics in Vancouver as well. They said it would be very expensive to arrange security for him, so instead, they’re sending Joe Biden because, realistically, who cares?

Well, it happened again. Two Northwest pilots overshot Minneapolis Airport by 500 miles. They weren’t in a plane, they were in a Toyota that wouldn’t stop. Toyota is asking anyone who owns a new Prius to return it to the dealership as slowly as they possibly can. President Obozo has announced his administration’s plan to build a new $8 billion high-speed rail system. Have you ever been on Amtrak? They can’t even figure out how to keep a low-speed rail system from crashing.

The Pentagon now wants to allow gays to serve openly in the military. You know what that means? More parades! I think it was Bill Clinton who popularized the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. Don't confuse that with another Clinton policy, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell Hillary." That was a whole different policy.

This Date In History: 1811; After George III was declared insane, the Prince of Wales became Prince Regent of England, and later George IV. 1917; Congress passed the Immigration Act, which restricted Asian immigration, over President Wilson's veto. 1917; Mexico adopted its present constitution. 1937; FDR proposed increasing the number of Supreme Court justice, "packing" the court.

1994; Byron De La Beckwith was sentenced to life in prison for the murder of Medgar Evers, 30 years after the crime in Jackson, Mississippi. 1997; Under international pressure, three of Switzerland's biggest banks created a fund worth 100 million Swiss francs for Holocaust victims and their families.

Picture Of The Day: Budweiser, the king of beers, is sponsoring the Budweiser Shootout at Daytona International Speedway on Saturday night and they will also be displaying their excellent commercials during the Super Bowl game on Sunday.

For their dedication and involvement in sports, they are the featured pictures for today. This Bud's for you!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you 2) You tell a blonde is having a bad day when her tampon is behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil. 3) It takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 1 to extend your middle finger and say bite me. 4) Just think before most men get married, they had thousands of faults they didn't even know about. 5) Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Sir Robert Peel, statesman 1788, Dwight L. Moody, evangelist 1837, Belle Starr, outlaw 1848, Adlai Stevenson, American Statesman 1900, Norton Simon, food industry executive, art collector 1907, Hank Aaron, baseball player 1934, Jennifer Jason Leigh, actress 1962, Jeremy Sumpter, actor 1989.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man is shipwrecked on a deserted island for ten long years. One day he sees a ship on the horizon and starts waving his arms until the ship heads for the shore.

The captain of the ship and the man began talking. "I thought I'd never get rescued." The captain asks,"How long have you been here?" The man replies, "Ten years." The captain asks, "How have you coped with all that time alone?" The man says, "Well I'm a very resourceful fellow. I built a house and learned to hunt and fish."

The captain says, "But ten years without sex?" The man says, "Not completely. About six months ago, I was down here on the shore when I noticed an ostrich with it's head stuck in the sand. I crept up behind it and .....you know." The captain says, "Oh you poor man, that must have been horrible." The man says, "Well, it was fine for the first five miles, but then we got out of step."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals, Anne, and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. He said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. When I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "Well, brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. Then I began to read to my bear from God's holy word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!"

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

An old man with tickets to the Super Bowl finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a stranger comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. The old man says, "No", the seat is empty." The stranger says, "That's incredible. Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The old man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't attended together since we got married in 1970." The stranger replies, "I'm sorry to hear that. Couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land". Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land". Now Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land!

That's it for today my little glow worms. Remember, if at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. AREA 51 should be fun tonight and Happy Hour calls. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

It's Going To Be A Great Weekend - The Super Bowl And The Nascar Budweiser Shootout

The month of February is filled with several exciting sporting events and this weekend should be great. Nascar racing begins Saturday at Daytona International Speedway with the Daytona 500 qualifying at 1:00 pm and the Bud Shootout at 8:00 pm. Both events will be televised live on Fox Sports.

The Super Bowl is in Miami and with two excellent teams like the Indianapolis Colts and the New Orleans Saints, the game should be spectacular. I look forward not only to the game itself, but to the various parties being held in local Miami watering holes. The commercials, an attraction in and of itself, are usually some of the most creative and funniest that you will see all year.

Nascar will come to the forefront again next week with the Twin 125 qualifying races on Thursday (Feb 11th), the Nationwide series race on Saturday (Feb 13) and the Daytona 500 on Sunday (Feb 14th).

The News As I See It: The Oscar nominations have been announced today and the Best Actor nominees include George Clooney for "Up in the Air," Jeremy Renner for "The Hurt Locker", and President Obama for the "State of the Union." In a related incident, on Groundhog Day, Punxsutawney Phil crawled out of his hole and predicted six more weeks of Oscars hype.

In New York City, no one really cares about Groundhog Day. They’ve got rats bigger than that. The New York Times announced that the Obama administration is planning huge changes to President Bush’s "No Child Left Behind" law. The new law will be called "Let’s Face It, Some Kids Are Just Duds."

Police in Indiana are searching for a man who robbed a tobacco store with a pair of scissors. They said the guy could be a real danger — unless you have a rock.

This Date In History: 1468; Johann Gutenberg, German printer and inventor, died. 1870; The 15th Amendment (black suffrage) passed. 1913; The 16th Amendment, establishing federal income tax, was ratified. 1917; The U.S. broke off diplomatic relations with Germany.

1959; Rock singers, Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and Big Bopper died in a plane crash. 1995; Col. Eileen Collins became the first woman to pilot the space shuttle when the Discovery blasted off. 1998; Texas executed Karla Faye Tucker, the first woman to be executed in the United States since 1984.

Picture Of The Day: It's and odds and ends pictorial today as I had several pictures that I liked and none of them really fit into a theme. One of the best shots I found was the touching picture of a lovely young couple getting married at the beach. It's a shame the photographer didn't notice the topless beauty in the background who happened to be strolling by.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 2) Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 3) For sale: Parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain. 4) Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back! 5) Once we had George Bush, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Felix Mendelssohn, composer 1809, Horace Greeley, newspaper editor and founder 1811, Gertrude Stein, author 1874, Norman Rockwell, illustrator 1894, Alvar Aalto, architect and furniture designer 1898, James Michener, author 1907, Joey Bishop, comedian, actor 1918.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guys says, "Well, she is 27 years old, with blond hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "It doesn't matter.....let's just look for yours."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Nick and Robin for their contributions to today's stories.

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk panamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little strange but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk panamas like I asked you to do?" His wife says, "I did, they're in your tackle box."

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a Princess "Will you marry me?" She said "No." And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting and drank beer all day every day for the rest of his natural days. THE END.

That's it for today my little road runners. Remember, most committed men are found in the local mental institution. I'm going to mosey on over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !