Monday, February 6, 2012

The Super Bowl - Odds And Mostly Ends

I have come to the conclusion that "on the cusp" has nothing to do with astrology. In actuality, and not being overly specific, it refers to that period of time that, for the fifth time in two hours and after completely perusing two newspapers, one patiently awaits a nagging reminder from one's bodily warning system, that a bowel movement is in order, but has yet come to pass.

The National Football League is asking it's players to donate their brains to medicine, ostensibly to study the effects of head collisions. The only thing that could possibly be funnier than that is if the National Basketball Association asks its players to donate their brains to study their inability to conjugate the verb "To Be."

Congratulations to the New York Giants in their Super Bowl win over the New England Patriots. The Super Bowl halftime show was one the most amazing feats of engineering I've seen in a long time. The crew had less than 20 minutes to deploy a complex system of rigging, cranes, and pulleys. And once they got Madonna in her corset, they had to put up the stage.

Dating sites are not my cup of tea, but to each, his own. I do believe however that the Christian dating site "Christian Mingle" may be a little off base when using the motto, "Meet God's match for you." Somehow, I think God has his hands full looking over this world of lunatics and I'm relatively sure that the least of his concerns is that if Jeremiah hooks up with Priscilla. But, that's just me....

If I learned anything from the Super Bowl ads, I learned it from super model Adriana Lima. I realized I didn't know the rules about sending flowers.

The News As I See It: There is an Internet warning issued by the Departmet of Homeland Security. If you get an email titled; "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi," Don't open it! It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.

Obama spoke at the national prayer breakfast. The president said that his Christian faith is the driving force behind his economic policies. So I guess instead of blaming Bush, it's now all Jesus’ fault. He says a brief prayer every morning, but then Joe Biden shows up anyway. So I don't know if it really works.

The House of Representatives has passed a bill that prohibits people from using welfare money in strip clubs or liquor stores. I agree with that. Strip clubs and liquor stores should be off limits for people who get government funds, you know, like congressmen.

Mitt Romney won the Florida Republican presidential primary election, beating Newt Gingrich handily. Political analysts believe that elderly voters in Florida rejected Newt Gingrich because of fears that he would eventually leave them for a younger state.

Newt Gingrich is being sued by the guy who wrote the song, "Eye of the Tiger." He's using it in his campaign. Gingrich says he wants the song because he's a big fan of Rocky. He loves Rocky. Did he see the movie? Didn't Rocky lose to the black guy? Hello?

This Date In History: 1788; Massachusetts ratified the U.S. Constitution, becoming the sixth state to join the Union. 1804; Joseph Priestley, British chemist, died. His work on the isolation of gases led him to discover oxygen in 1774.

1899; The Spanish-American War ended when a peace treaty between Spain and the United States was signed. 1933; The 20th Amendment to the Constitution, which set the date for the president's inauguration on Jan. 20, was adopted. 1935; The popular board game Monopoly® went on sale for the first time.

1952; Princess Elizabeth became Queen Elizabeth II of Great Britain. 1971; Astronaut Alan B. Shepard hit a golf ball and Edgar Mitchell threw a "javelin" on the moon. They landed in the same crater and remain on the Moon today. 2001; Ariel Sharon was elected prime minister of Israel.

Picture Of The Day: The Super Bowl - An event in and of itself.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) This winter in Miami thus far is the warmest that I can remember. I don't know if that is a sign of global warming or Old Timer's disease. 2) I saw something on television this weekend it included an offer for a "free" gift. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? 3) She was so tall she could hunt geese with a rake. 4) When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. 5) Every time I walk into AREA 51 for happy hour, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!".....and that's five!

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 6th: The waters part and your day should flow smoothly. That thought that you had last night may soon turn into a reality. Don't pay attention to people who measure distance with colloquialisms like "as the crow flies." You will be walking and carrying a gas can. Chance of romance is 82.51 percent assuming you don't run out of gas (uh, that's literally and figuratively).

Birthdays: My pals Linda (today) and Melissa (tomorrow) - Happy Birthday girls! 19XX, Aaron Burr, political leader 1756, Jeb Stuart, cavalry commander 1833, Babe Ruth, baseball player 1895, Ronald Reagan, 40th President of the United States 1911, Mary Douglas Leakey, archaeologist 1913, Zsa Zsa Gabor, actor 1917, Fran├žois Truffaut, film director and critic 1932, Bob Marley, reggae singer 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license and they'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate", not 'fascinating'."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Linda in Washington State, Pat in the U.K. and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16-gauge shotgun against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of number 4 shot in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he regained consciousness. His doctor, Sven, said, "Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot." Ole asked, "What's the bad news?"

Sven said, "The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ." Ole says, "Well, that doesn't sound too bad. Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" Sven says, "No, She's a piccolo player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. The coroner said, "The first body is Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress, hence the enormous smile"

The coroner continues, "The second body is Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, who won $50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky and died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What about the third body?" The coroner said, "This is the most unusual one. This is Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."
The inspector inquires, "Why is he smiling then?" The coroner replied, "He thought he was having his picture taken."

A guy goes over to his brother's house, all bruised and his clothes torn. His brother says, "Man, where have you been?" The guy says, "I just got back from burying my mother-in-law," His brother asks, "How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?" The gut replies, "She wouldn't lie still!"

That's it for today, my little pop tarts. Remember, everyone has a photographic memory. It's just that some don't have film. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jack69 said...

Good stuff. Retirement Home Bar and Grill was great tonight, but I was most impressed by your mama's good sense, "Don't pick that up you don't know where it has been.
Good read.

True that, On the cusp!
Take care,
Sherry & Jack

PS Can he do that, Blame Jesus?

I'm to blame for the repeat and misspelling!!

Rose said...

I'm a New Englander and disappointed that the Pats lost.

Ally Lifewithally said...

Thanks for an interesting read Jimmy ~ I have just been catching up on you other entries ~ Ally x

Missie said...

I can always count oon your blog for a few laughs. Have a good week.

garnett109 said...

Good ole Johnny Does it Again!