Let's Play "Cowboys And Computers"

I'm going to massacre my computer. The only reason I have not done this as yet is that I Googled my plea of self-defense and it won't hold up in court. The damned thing treats me like Rodney Dangerfield. Yesterday, a message came on my computer screen that read "File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)."

This morning, I turned on the computer and being in a relatively happy Friday mood, I began working on today's entry. I started typing and when I clicked "Save", a message flashed on my monitor that read, "Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)."

I finally bought an external hard drive and after moving my music and pictures, my computer quit whinning like a banshee. The bad things is that it seems to be running slower now and I may have to add more memory.

One good thing about my computer is that I find it's the perfect thing for men who don't feel that women provide them with enough frustration. Sometimes I think my computer is almost human except that it doesn't blame its mistakes on another computer. It always beats me at chess, but it's going to be no match for me once I circle the wagons and open fire.....

The News As I See It: I think everyone should take some time to check on the elderly. Thank you. Okay, I’m fine.....

President Obozo and House Speaker John Boohooer have agreed to play a round of golf together. Imagine the two of them at the end of that golf game? Boohooer will be crying over his score and Obozo will be giving three explanations as to why his score is actually better than it appears.

Congressman Anthony Weiner, now known as the peter tweeter, has had a second woman come forward now. She says she has over 200 explicit sex messages from the married congressman. She says they're very short messages.....like cocktail wieners.

This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days when Senator Larry Craig had to get in his car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall the guy's in and knock on the door? Now they send it right to your house.

Donald Trump and Sarah Palin met and had pizza together in New York City last week. There was one embarrassing moment — when the waitress asked Donald if he wanted extra topping and he said, "No, my hair is fine."

Democrats and Republicans are calling for Congressman Anthony Weiner to resign. Late night comedians are asking him to hang in there. The women who Weiner communicated with were a college student, a single mom, a blackjack dealer, and a porn star. Or, as they call it in Los Angeles, the circle of life.

Sarah Palin came under fire for her statements about Paul Revere and yesterday she made it worse. She said, "What about Mrs. Paul Revere and her fish sticks?"

This Date In History: 1801; The Tripolitan War, between the United States and the Barbary States, began. 1865; Wagner's opera, Tristan and Isolde, premiered in Munich. 1935; Alcoholics Anonymous was founded by "Bill W."

1942; The entire male population of the Czech village of Lidice was massacred in retaliation for the death of Nazi official Reinhard Heydrich. 1946; Italy replaced its monarchy with a republic.

1967; The Six-Day War between Israel and Syria, Egypt, and Jordan ended. 1978; Affirmed won the Belmont Stakes and the Triple Crown.

Picture Of The Day: I had to laugh when I saw Obozo and Obiden photoshopped as the Lone Ranger and Tonto. With the economy in the porcelain receptacle, the title is appropriate.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They say celebrities die in threes. Leave it to Billy Mays to throw in one extra completely free! 2) Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out "Boyz to Men" was a music group not a delivery service. 3) An echo is the only thing that can deprive a woman of the last word. 4) Fifty-one percent of New York voters think Congressman Anthony Weiner should keep his seat. The other 49 percent think he should disinfect it. 5) A recent study found out that men prefer to have sex on the days that start with the letter "T". Examples of those days are: Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday .....and that's five....er, six !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemini - June 10th: You will find you get better sex advice if you stop talking to what you call "little people" in your nearby pub. Love makes the world go round, and peaches make a very nice accompaniment to cream cheese. The gift you have that allows you to speak to the animals may cause you problems this afternoon at happy hour. Lifting heavy objects may cause you pain later tonight.

Birthdays: Gustave Courbet, painter 1819, Hattie McDaniel, singer and actress 1895, Saul Bellow, novelist 1915, Maurice Sendak, writer 1928, Judy Garland, actress 1922, Robert Maxwell, business executive 1923, Tara Lipinski, figure skater 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it." The big alligator says, "What have you been eating?" The small alligator says, "Lawyers, same as you."

The big gator says, "Hmmm.... Well, where do you catch’em?" The little gator says, "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp." The big gator says, "Same here. Hmmm... How do you catch’em? The little gator says, "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite’em, shake the shit out of ‘em, and eat ‘em!"

The big alligator says, "Ah, I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin’ the shit out of a lawyer, there’s nothin’ left but lips and a briefcase."

Billy Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from zero to 200 in six seconds and it better be there!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Billy Bob has been missing since Friday.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey, I love you."

His wife says, "He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!"

A guy calls his buddy, a horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?" The guy says, "That’s easy, he’s a midget with a speech impediment." The midget shows up, and the rancher asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse. The midget says, "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. The midget says, "Nith lookin' horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"

The rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over. The midget says, "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So the rancher picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears. The midget says. "Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?" The rancher is gettin’ pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.

The midget says, "Nith mouf, can I thee her twat?" The rancher goes ballistic, grabs the midget under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s vagina. Then, he pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing, and says, "Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and suck your tits dry." As his wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks like I did a pretty good job.

That's it for today my licorice sticks. Remember, if you decide to get married, make sure you think alike. My ex-wife and I didn't think alike. She donated money to the homeless and I donated money to the topless! Hey, it's Friday and time for happy hour in AREA 51. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Meet The Phoneheads

I get a kick out the overwhelming use of cell phones. I see little kids walking around with cell phones ostensibly purchased by their parents so that they can keep in touch. Teenagers walk around in an apparent daze, texting, talking and listening to music. But, back in the day.....

Yeah, back in the day, we teenagers would go to the corner pay phone to get a little privacy and talk to our friends. If you were one of the few who had a phone at home and it wasn't a party-line phone, you were very fortunate. Even so, like most teenagers, we usually found a way to communicate with our friends.

Recent reports are now suggesting the possibility of cell phones causing cancer of the brain. Most of the people that I've seen who constantly have a cell phone in their ear shouldn't be alarmed. You can't get cancer in an area that doesn't contain grey matter.....

The News As I See It: One of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, "I don’t know."

The Chinese economy has shown signs of slowing down. Experts say that’s what happens when your workforce starts to enter its teens.

When the economy is bad, it means budget cuts and teacher layoffs. That means the next generation won’t even know as much about American history as Sarah Palin.

Legal experts are investigating John Edwards for the money he spent to hide his mistress and love child. The good news for Edwards is that he is now eligible to run for governor of California.

Playboy reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue. Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic.

In other news, we all remember when Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs. Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket." It consists of nothing but left wings and assholes.

This Date In History: 1845; Andrew Jackson, the 7th president of the United States, died in Tennessee. 1861; Tennessee became the 11th and last state to secede from the Union. 1968; James Earl Ray, Martin Luther King, Jr.'s, assassin, was arrested.

1982; President Reagan became the first American president to address a joint session of Britain’s Parliament. 1983; Negro Baseball League great Satchel Paige died. 2001; Tony Blair and his Labour Party won a second term, overwhelming the opposition at the polls.

Picture Of The Day: I liked the "phone family" picture the moment I saw it. It sure does paint a picture of today's cell phone usage. Oh, and I had to add the picture of the USDA’s new nutritional plate unveiled yesterday while Barack Obozo wolfed down two chili dogs in Toledo with fries and an extra bowl of chili on the side.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 2) Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 3) If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then, you will be afraid to cough. 4) You need only two tools in this world: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape. 5) The Center for Disease Control has released a list of the lastest symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: 1. High fever 2. Congestion 3. Nausea 4. Fatigue 5. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemini - June 8th: Monkeys can make awesome presents for someone you love, but be aware that they are prone to poop in a loved one's hat. It's time to get out of your favorite clothing and perfume yourself up till you smell like...well, a bottle of perfume. Oh yes, the time is upon you and this time you will succeed.

Birthdays: Robert Schumann, composer 1810, Frank Lloyd Wright, architect 1867, Virginia Randolph, educator 1874, Barbara Bush, former first lady 1925, Leroy Neiman, painter and printmaker 1927, Scott Adams, cartoonist 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years? God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "No, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk says, "No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

An old man goes to see the doctor and tells him, "I'm sorry doctor, I know this is unusual but I seem to have a head of lettuce stuck up my ass!" The doctors says, "Good grief, I'd better take a look" The doctor examines the man for about five minutes. The old man says, "What do you think, Doc? Is it bad?" The doctor says, "It's worse than I thought and that's just the tip of the iceberg!"

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed, and asks the nurse who sent them.

The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too."The woman asks "What about the third rose?" The nurse replies, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."

That's it for today my lemon drops. Remember, your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart by exercising will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

June 6th, 1944 - Allied Forces Land At Normandy

On June 6th, 1944, American, Brtitish and Canadian forces stormed the shores of Normandy, France. Over 160,000 soldiers landed in the operation known as D-Day, marking the beginning of the end of World War II and Germany. It was the largest amphibious invasion in world history. The Allied casualties figures for D-Day were estimated at 10,000, including 2500 dead.

As we begin our day this June 6th, 2011, let us remember all the men and women of the D-Day armed forces who stood up for freedom and those who were wounded or gave their lives for America.

Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) finally admitted that he lied about texting a lewd picture of himself in his underwear to a 21 year-old coed. Furthermore, he admitted to having "online relationships" with six different women over the past three years. Watching the antics of Mr. Weiner over the years, his admission of guilt was no surprise to me.

Under normal circumstances, I'm not prone to kick a man while he's down. In Mr. Weiner's case, I make exception. His years of arrogant, rude antics and constant interruptions during televised political interviews make him the exception to the rule. He has made his bed and now he will lie in it (no pun intended). I'm sure that his new wife of less than one year is thrilled with his sick escapades.

The News As I See It: Mitt Romney wanted to get the maximum exposure for his (presidential) announcement so he made it in Anthony Weiner's underwear.

Despite the news this week that our cell phones are giving us cancer, users are not giving up. They're like, okay, my cell phone could give me cancer, but actually interacting with people in person is what leads to Chlamydia.

Congress has rejected raising the debt ceiling, so if China calls, let it go to voicemail.

This Date In History: 1844; The Young Men's Christian Association (YMCA) was founded in London. 1933; The first drive-in movie theater opened in Camden, New Jersey. 1934; The Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) was established to protect investors and maintain the integrity of the securities markets.

1944; Thousands of Allied troops invaded the beaches of Normandy, France, on D-Day. 1982; Israel invaded Lebanon to drive out the Palestine Liberation Organization (PLO).

2001; Vermont Republican Senator James Jeffords left the party to become an independent, handing control of the Senate back to the Democrats. 2002; President Bush proposed a new Cabinet department: The Department of Homeland Security.

Picture Of The Day: Remembering the soldiers of June 6th, 1944, who bravely landed on the shores of Normandy on D-Day. As a sidenote, I waited for days for the photoshop gang to come up with a good picture of Anthony Weiner's sideshow, but his admittance to guilt kinda screwed up my timing. Aah, what the hell, I'm running it anyway!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself. 2) Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso. 3) If you are not committing any sins, chances are you're probably not having much fun. 4) If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 5) I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you".....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemini - June 6th: Inhospitable service station toilets may turn out to be your best friend today. Your footsteps will seem louder today as you break in new shoes. Every reason you have for doing what you did while in the service station restroom is sound and legal . Be grateful that you have a good network of friends and family. Time and time again you are asked to wait outside the room while the "adults" discuss your situation. Buy a dozen roses just in case.

Birthdays: Diego Velázquez, painter 1599, Pierre Corneille, dramatist 1606, Nathan Hale, officer 1755, John Trumbull, painter 1756, Aleksandr Pushkin, poet, dramatist 1799, Alexandra Feodorovna, Czarina 1872, Sukarno, statesman 1901, Björn Borg, tennis player 1956.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A guy is sitting alone in a bar nursing his drink. The bartender is at the other end of the bar cleaning a glass. The guy suddenly hears a little whisper of a voice that says, "Nice hat. He looks around but he’s the only one nearby. He thinks nothing of it and keeps drinking. A few minutes later he hears this same voice, "Nice shirt."

Now he’s getting a little paranoid because there’s still no one else in the bar. He calls the bartender over and orders another drink. Several minutes later he hears the voice, "Nice tie." He just about loses it. He calls the bartender over and says, "Man, am I going crazy? I keep hearing voices!" The bartender asks, "What are they saying? The man says, "Nice hat, nice shirt, nice tie." The bartender says, "Ah, it’s the peanuts, they’re complimentary."

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks, "Do you do custom work?" The artist replies, " Yes Ma'am." The woman says, "Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh." The artist says, ?No problem. Strip from the waist down and get up on the table."

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up, examines the tattoos and complains, "That doesn't look like them!" The artist says indignantly, Yes it does and I can prove it."

With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find who happens to be the town drunk. 'The woman spreads her legs and Asks, "Do you know who these men are?" The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says, "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Pat in the U.K. for her contribution to today's stories.

Two ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Los angels airport. The first lady was a California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz. Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart." The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet. Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" The Southern lady said, "My husband sent me to charm school." The first woman cried, "Charm school? Oh, my God! What on earth for?" The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying 'Who gives a shit?', I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart."

President Obama was being entertained by an African leader. They’d spent the day discussing what the African leader had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. He said, "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."

President Obama frowned saying, "Russian roulette’s not a friendly game.
The African leader smiled. "That’s why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you’ll have to play. I’ll show you how."

He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. The African leader said, "You can choose any one of these women to give you oral sex. This gained Obma’s immediate attention and he was ready to make his choice when a thought occurred to him. Obama asked, "How on earth is this related to Russian roulette?" The African leader said "One of them is a cannibal."

That's it for today my apple tarts. Remember, when you think you have someone eating out of your hand, count your fingers. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

There's A Bad Case Of Political Dumb Ass Going Around !

I have never professed to being a genius, but I've always had enough sense to.... uh, how do I phrase it.... to make sure that I don't do caca in the same place where I eat. Evidently, there's quite a few politicians and celebrities who were never sat down by their fathers and had this fact explained to them.

The latest dumb ass is John Edwards, who was indicted today by a grand jury over alleged illegal funneling of campaign funds to mistress Rielle Hunter. This news has momentarily given a brief respite to Anthony (Oscar Meyer) Weiner and the alleged texted photograph of his chief of staff to 21 year-old coed Gennette Cordova.

This news story, in turn, allowed former governor and current idiot Arnold Schwarzenegger to ease into the shadows. It's too bad Ahnold had this little
misunderstanding because English isn't his native language. He told Maria that their housekeeper wanted a raise. Maria said, "Screw her." Any simple-minded, semi-literate Austrian could have made the same mistake, right?

Of course, we all remember Tiger Woods, who repeatedly shot himself in the ass more times that can be counted and in turn, gave up half of his wealth to his now ex-wife.

Probably the champion screwball was former President Bill Clinton, who went on national television to coin the phrase, "I did not have sex with that woman." Anthony Weiner, no stranger to plagiarism, recently said to CNN's Wolf Blitzer, "I did not text that photograph to that woman." Pretty clever, huh?

Maybe Willie Nelson should have written "Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to Be Politicians."

The News As I See It: Congressman Anthony Weiner's Twitter account was allegedly hacked and someone texted a picture of his "junior senator" to a college girl. Weiner (D-NY) claims that he "can't say with certitude" whether the man wearing just boxer shorts was actually him. There are two options here: Either Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of or "Certitude" is his nickname for his penis.

Scientists are using a robot explorer at the pyramids in Egypt to photograph secret chambers that humans haven’t seen in 4,500 years. There’s graffiti down there that hasn’t been translated yet. It probably says, "Larry King was here."

This Date In History: 1861; Stephen Douglas, U.S. politician, died. 1937; The Duke of Windsor (formerly Edward VIII) married Wallis Simpson. 1965; Major Edward White became the first U.S. astronaut to walk in space, during the Gemini 4 mission.

1979; The world's worst oil spill occurred when an exploratory oil well, Ixtoc 1, blew out, spilling over 140 million gallons of oil into the Bay of Campeche off the coast of Mexico. 1989; Chinese army troops head to Beijing to crush student-led pro-democracy demonstrations. 1989; Iran’s Ayatollah Khomeini died.

Picture Of The Day: Actor James Arness died today at the age of 88. For 20 years, from 1955 to 1975, Arness played Marshal Matt Dillon on the television western "Gunsmoke" in what, along with "Law and Order," is the longest-lived drama on American television. Rest in peace Mr. Arness.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Schizophrenia beats living alone. 2) When we were younger, we used to go skinny dipping. Now, we just chunky dunk. 3) Chastity is curable if detected early. 4) It amazes me that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always fits exactly in the newspaper. 5) At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they're usually married to each other.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemini - June 3rd: You have recently received some electronic equipment for which there was a manual. Give this manual a quick read because chances are you'll screw it up. Much of what you believe now will later be shattered by an obnoxious man wearing glasses with a distinct lisp. Clutching your heart and complaining that your arm hurts is quite a mean thing to do when trapped in an elevator for 2 hours. Be charming, chances are good for an evening tryst.

Birthdays: Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederacy 1808, Henry James, philosophical theologian 1811, Raoul Dufy, painter 1877, Josephine Baker, dancer and singer 1906, Tony Curtis, actor 1925, Allen Ginsberg, poet 1926, Curtis Mayfield, singer-songwriter 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other cowboy asks, "What's that position?" The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she’s really into it, you lean forward and whisper in her ear, ‘Your sister likes this position too.’ Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband suggests, "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts and asks. "How long will this take?" Her husband replies, "They’ll grow slightly larger every day over a period of years"

The wife stops and says, "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn’t it?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pal Pat in the U.K. for her contribution to today's stories.

A group of nuns are lined up to confess to the priest. The first nun says, "Father, I have sinned. I looked at a naked man." The priest says, "Put holy water on your eyes and say 10 hail Marys."

The next nun comes up and says, "Father, I have sinned. I touched a naked man in a sexual manner." The priest says, "Wash your hands in holy water and say 20 hail Marys."

The third nun approaches the priest and is about to speak when is a clamoring from the back of the church. Another nun comes running in and says, "Wait!" The priest says, "What’s wrong?" The nun replies, "I need to gargle the holy water before Sister Nancy sticks her ass in it."

An old Scot and a young Scot were sitting in the pub talking. The old man says to the young man, "Son, look out the window. You see that stone fence stretching out across the moor as far as yer eye can see? Well, I built that fence with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the fence builder? Nooooo."

The old Scot continued, "Now ya take a look up at the bar. See the perfectly constructed thing of beauty stretching across this great hall? Well, I built that bar with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the bar builder? Nooooo."

The old Scot said, "Now take a look toward the sea. Do you see that magnificent pier, sturdy and straight, unmoving againt the sea and all her wrath? Well, I built that pier with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? Nooooo."

Then MacGregor leans in close to the young man and whispers…."But ya screw one goat…"

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash, and the average male thief won’t be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

That's it for today my little munchkins. Remember, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. Hmmm.... I think I'll head over to AREA 51 for happy hour and some Karaoke. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Weinergate

It seems that arrogant, loudmouth Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) may be in deep trouble for allegedly sending a lewd picture of himself to 21 year-old coed Gennette Cordova of Seattle, Washington. For those of you who have seen this rude asshole in television interviews, you know it couldn't have happened to a more deserving guy.

The online drama began Friday when a lewd photo appeared in Weiner's Twitter stream addressed to Cordova but visible to all 40,000 of his Twitter followers. The photo was a crotch shot of a man in form-fitting briefs that left little to the imagination. The tweet was noticed by some of his followers and the link was forwarded.

Weiner has been on the defensive ever since. He states his account was hacked. Cordova denies any relationship with the congressman. So, why is this incident turning in to a scandal?

Among the original 91 people the congressman followed, many were young women, including Cordova. The picture link was sent to Cordova, who lives in the Seattle area and just before the picture link was sent, the congressman tweeted a comment that referred to Seattle. A timeline prepared by one blogger illustrates the Twitter behavior as was visible publicly. The congressman's current Twitter stream clearly shows he was using Twitter just before the picture link was sent and right after.

CNN’s Dana Bash tracked Weiner down for an improvised Q&A and seemed to be the central reporter at Weiner's press briefing on Capitol Hill. If you haven’t seen this train wreck of a media event, please check it out, because the defensive and irritable Weiner (call your doctor if condition persists) only added fuel to the fire with his petulant behavior, rather than fulfilling his wish that this "distraction" would just go away.

In an MSNBC interview today, Weiner said that he did not send the photo. When asked whether the photo was of him, he said he could not confirm or deny with certainty. Furthermore, he has not yet asked the Capitol Police or the FBI to investigate the alleged hacking, a federal offense. Hmmm....

Weiner, who is Jewish, is married to Huma Abedin, a Muslim. Oy Vey! Build a wall fast, Weinermouth. To paraphrase Ricky Ricardo, "Wienie, you got a lot of 'splaining to do!"

The News As I See It: Donald Trump had dinner with Sarah Palin had dinner in New York. The first thing Palin did when she walked into the restaurant was shoot the rodent off his head.

The Supreme Court has upheld Arizona's law which penalizes employers for hiring workers who are in the country illegally. In a related story, in Phoenix, a head of lettuce now costs 137 dollars.

Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with his maid. She kept the child secret for 14 years. John Edwards is going, "Why can't I meet a chick like that?"

President Obozo visited a bar in Ireland last week and drank Guinness. I know it's not great for kids to see the president drinking alcohol, but in his defense, beer goes great with a cigarette.

Sarah Palin may run for President. Doesn’t that thought make you nostalgic for last week when you only thought the world was going to end? Palin has begun a nationwide bus tour, which is a good way for her to learn the names of all the states.

This Date In History: 1792; Kentucky became the 15th state in the United States. 1796; Tennessee became the 16th state in the United States. 1938; The first issue of Action Comics, featuring Superman, was published. 1958; General Charles De Gaulle became the premier of France.

1968; Helen Keller, blind and deaf author-lecturer, died. 1980; Cable News Network (CNN) debuted. 2001; Crown Prince Dipendra of Nepal wiped out most of the royal family before shooting himself.

Picture Of The Day: The pics in order: Top - Weiner is interviewed. Second: Gennette Cordova. Third: Mr. and Mrs. Weiner. Fourth: Budweiser.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A democrat is just a republican that hasn't been mugged yet. 2) There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot". 3) I saw a big breasted woman wearing a sexy tee shirt with the word "Guess" on it, so I said, "Implants?" 4) A man that stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him is still wrong. 5) Teach a child to be polite and courteous and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto the expressway.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemini - June 1st: Just as small peppers are supposed to be the hottest, there may be a small person who's ready to heat up your life. Watch out for the seeds though - they can cause problems. A singles bar may be a surprising place for love to strike today. Of course, you'll leave without getting each others phone numbers or having any chance of meeting again because they just arrived on a cruise ship and don't live anywhere near. Love is like that sometimes.

Birthdays: Jacques Marquette, French missionary and explorer in North America, a Jesuit priest 1637, Brigham Young, religious leader 1801, Francis Edgar Stanley, inventor, manufacturer 1849, William Sloane Coffin, Jr., social activist 1924, Marilyn Monroe, actress 1926, Morgan Freeman, actor 1937.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself. He says, "May I buy you a cocktail?" Maxine replies, "No, thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs." The man says, "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" Maxine says, "No, they spread."

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I can fart the star spangled banner in any key you want....for a drink." The bartender says, "You can fart the national anthem in any key? Hell, I will give you three drinks for that!" The drunk says, "Ok, what key?" The bartender says, "Do it in A flat."

The drunk makes two people move from their stools and gets up on the bar, drops his pants around his ankles and bends over. He gets red faced and then shits all over the bar. The bartender is pissed! He says, "What the hell are you doing?" The drunk says, "Hey, gimme a break, even Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat before he performed!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words "complete" and "finished" in a way that's so easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between complete and finished, but there is. When you marry the right one, you are complete. When you marry the wrong one, you are finished. When the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished!

Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running, reaches the edge and into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, his Ma and Pa were sittin' on the porch swing talkin' bout the good ol' days when Ma spots the biggest bird she ever seen!

Ma says, "Pa, look at the size of that bird! Pa gets up and grabs his 12 gauge shotgun. He takes careful aim and.....Boom! Boom! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. Ma says, "Pa, I think ya missed him. Pa replies, "Yeah, but at least he let go of Bubba!"

A cowboy and his new bride check into a motel. The cowboy explains to the desk clerk that they were just married that morning. The clerk asks, "Would you like the bridal?" The cowboy answers, "No, thanks, I’ll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it."

That's it for today my little sugar plums. Remember, follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work. I hear the faint call of happy hour in the distance. Think I'll head over to AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !