Just Follow These Simple Instructions.....

I'm not a computer tech but I have learned that it's best to read the instructions prior to making changes to my computer. That said, today I upgraded the memory on my computer mainly because the intolerable shrieking noise it was making reminded me too much of some ex-wives and ex-girlfriends.

The reason I bring up instructions is that they sadly do not add Murphy's Law into the equation, thus rendering said instructions useless. Oh yeah, the technical part of it was 90% correct. I say 90% because the instructions (both written and via video) showed the tech simply "clicking in" the new memory card. Well, it eventually did click in, after I applied enough pressure to slightly cut my hand.

Of course, my hand decided to react to the cut as if it had been severed in two and bled like a stuck pig right into the computer. This is the part where Mr. Murphy decided to put in his two cents worth and I decided to create new curse words to spout out to no one in particular.

After Murphy's Law kicked in, I realized that the only part that was missing was for my cat, Possum S. Hemmingway (AKA Shithead) to sit down on the memory card (which he did). As I reached over to shoo him away, my glasses fell off and I dropped the tiny part I was holding into the computer. Since I have a quick temper, I decided to take a walk and Shithead decided he'd heard enough and went to take a nap.

Bottom line, after I relaxed and had a beer, everything finally fell into place and my computer is now quietly humming as we speak. Oh, and Shithead's not speaking to me.....

The News As I See It: Prince William and wife Kate visited Skid Row while in Los Angeles. I think they want to see Arnold Schwarzenegger.

CNN canceled Eliot Spitzer's show on CNN. I guess producers canceled it after they realized it was still on.

Democrats are warning that if the debt ceiling isn’t raised, the government will cease to function. How will we be able to tell?

The government is warning that terrorists may try to blow up airplanes by implanting bombs under their skin. The airlines responded by saying they’ll charge any terrorists that do this a $50 fee.

Lady Gaga complained that the U.S. is allowing Iran and North Korea to get nukes and we have to stop them. Before the White House makes any decision, they’re waiting to hear from Britney Spears.

A toddler in China fell 10 stories out of a window and was caught by a woman walking by. The kid was fine. He didn’t even miss a day of work.

This Date In History: 1533; Pope Clement VII excommunicated England's King Henry VIII. 1804; Former vice president Aaron Burr fatally wounded former secretary of the treasury Alexander Hamilton in a duel. Hamilton died the following afternoon.

1864; Confederate general Jubal A. Early and his troops attacked Washington, DC. They retreated the next day, ending the Confederate threat to occupy the capital. 1914; Babe Ruth made his major league baseball debut as a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox.

1977; Martin Luther King, Jr., was posthumously awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his work to advance civil rights. 1989; Actor Laurence Olivier died. 1995; The United States and Vietnam established full diplomatic relations.

Picture Of The Day: My thanks to my pal Michelle for this beautiful picture that I pilfered from her Facebook page.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Just once, I'd like to see the local TV news interview someone at a crime scene who wasn't surprised the crime occurred in a neighborhood like theirs. 2) Just once, I'd like to see a drug commercial that says, "May cause extreme awesomeness and perpetual health." 3) Just once, I'd like to see a woman show what's "really" in her bag. 4) Just once, I'd like to see a realistic tampon commercial with the actress sobbing herself to sleep with a half-chewed Snickers. 5) Just once, I'd like someone to call me "Sir," without adding, "You're making a scene".....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - July 11th: Although I'm a Taurus, I suggest that you stay away from cats and computers for today. It may have nothing to do with you but it wasn't a very good idea for me today. I'm just saying.... On the other hand, there's nothing wrong with a nice glass of wine tonight and call a few friends to say hello. Hell, just call me......

Birthdays: My pal Ally. Happy Birthday sweetheart 19XX, Robert the Bruce, Scottish King 1274, Thomas Bowdler, editor 1754, John Quincy Adams, American president 1767, E. B. White, writer 1899, Yul Brynner, actor 1920.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An woman goes to a surgeon to get rid of her wrinkles. He tells her there is a new invention called "the knob" that gets installed in the back of the head. Any time you get more wrinkles, just turn the knob to tighten up the skin. She has it installed and everything is great for a year.

Then one day she comes back to the surgeon and complains about the bags under her eyes. He says "Let me take a look." The surgeon looks and says,"Those aren't bags, those are your boobs!" The woman replies. "Well, I guess that explains the goatee!"

An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample. The old man was slightly deaf and said, "What?" Again, the doctor said, "I need a blood, urine and feces sample." The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, "Murray, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man goes to see the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. Believing he is dying on the sidewalk, the man gasps, "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" A policeman checks the crowd.....no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. The man says again, A Priest, please!"

Then out of the crowd steps a little old man dressed shabbily and of at least eighty years of age. The man says, "Mr. Policeman, I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice, "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."

Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight sweater. She made the three priests very nervous so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window and said, "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and scurried away.

The second priest goes to the window and says, "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too hurried away.

The third priest moves to the window and says, "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, I must say, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger is going to shake his Peter at you."

That's it for today my little puddy tats. Remember, Monday is the root of all evil. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

The End Of An Era

With threatening weather in the area, space shuttle Atlantis lifted off today from Cape Canaveral, marking the end of an era. The space shuttle program, which began in 1981, comes to an end when the Atlantis’ wheels roll to a stop on the runway in two weeks. God speed to the crew and a successful mission.

Obamacare, hmmm...... Let me get this straight. We're going to be "gifted" with a health care plan that we are forced to purchase and fined if we don't. It purportedly covers at least ten million more people without adding a single new doctor, but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents. It's written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that didn't read it, but exempted themselves from it.

It is signed by a President who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, for which we'll be taxed for four years before any benefits take effect, by a government which has already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare. All this will be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese and financed by a country that's broke! What could possibly go wrong??

Texas executed Humberto Leal Garcia, a Mexican national, for the rape and murder of 16-year-old Adria Sauceda hours after she left a party with him in San Antonio, Texas in 1994, a charge that he admitted. The Mexican government denounced the execution saying Garcia was denied access to legal council from the Mexican Embassy. Here's my counsel. Don't jump the U.S.-Mexico border fence, then rape and murder a 16-year-old American girl or we will kill you.

The News As I See It: The new Presidential and Congressional rhetoric after another rise in unemployment is that it was caused by "headwinds"(?) and we need to have "shared sacrifice." I guess "kick the can down the road" was becoming a bit overused. What a bunch of inefficient assholes!

The TSA can't stop a Muslim with a fake ID and a day-old boarding pass, but they strip-search a 95 year old granny in a wheelchair. Government efficiency at its finest.

Vice President Joe O'Biden has a new Twitter account. He said he will not rest until he can embarrass President Obozo on every media platform ever invented.

A woman in Mexico was arrested after she tried sneak her husband out of prison inside her suitcase after a conjugal visit. Or as Southwest Airlines calls it, the next big thing in air travel.

Newt Gingrich says he does not support gay marriage. He says marriage is a sacred sacrament that should only be between a man and his first, second, and third wives.

This Date In History: 1776; The first public reading of the Declaration of Independence was given in Philadelphia, Pa. 1777; Vermont became the first colony to abolish slavery. 1889; The Wall Street Journal began publication.

1950; General Douglas MacArthur was named commander-in-chief of the United Nations forces in Korea. 1958; The Recording Industry Association of America awarded the first official gold album. It was for the Oklahoma soundtrack. 1986; Kurt Waldheim was inaugurated as president of Austria.

Picture Of The Day: Just once, I'd like to see the underdog win.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day should take care of everyone else. 2) I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. 3) Even rarer than a doctor who can't stand the sight of blood Is a lawyer who can't stand the sight of money. 4) I walked into my doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I've eaten something that disagrees with me." A voice from inside my stomach said, "No, you haven't." 5) You know you're getting old when you go to the doctor and you realize that you have to pay someone to look at you naked.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - July 8th: Don't think that just because it's Friday you can rush through the day and make it to happy hour early. Be responsible! Try to find someone to whom you can delegate the work. Don't wear that same outfit you wore last Friday. The person you've been watching will remember the outfit and that's a turn-off. Of course, if you wait and go later, they will have already polished off three drinks and it won't really matter what you're wearing.

Birthdays: Jean de La Fontaine, poet 1621, Joseph Chamberlain, statesman 1836, Ferdinand Zeppelin, airship inventor and builder 1838, John D. Rockefeller, American industrialist and philanthropist 1839, Nelson A. Rockefeller, public official 1908, Julia Carson, politician 1938, Anjelica Huston, actress 1951, Kevin Bacon, actor 1958.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" The doctor replies, "Well, yes, but never framed."

Steve says to his doctor, "I want to be castrated." The doctors says, "What on earth for?" Steve says, "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and my girlfriend suggested it." The doctor says, "Steve, you know you are dyslexic and you ought to think it through. It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back!" Steve says, "My girlfriend and I aware of that and you're not going to change my mind." The doctor says,"Well, okay, but it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. Steve says, "Hi there. It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." The patient said, "Well, I waited for year but my wife and I finally decided that it would be better if I was circumcised." Steve stared at him in horror and yelled, "Shit! That's the word!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead." The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. The vet said, "Well, your dog isn't dead, but he needs rest. You've probably got kids at home."

The woman says, "Thank god! He has been playing a lot with the twins. How much do I owe you?" The doctor says, "$345". The woman says, "$345!!?" The doctor says, "Yes, $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

A rancher needed a bull to service his cows but had to borrow the money from the bank to do so. The banker who lent the money came by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complained that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returned to see if the vet had helped. The farmer, looking very pleased, said, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence and has serviced all my neighbor's cows too!" The banker says, "Wow, what did the vet do to that bull?" The farmer said, "He just gave him some pills." The banker asked, "What kind of pills?" The farmer said, "I don't know, but they sort of tasted like peppermint."

A female veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions about symptoms and how long had they been occurring. Finally, she interrupted him and said. "Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have to put you to sleep."

That's it for today my little doodle bugs. Remember, sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. I gotta remember that. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. I hope they have a question and answer session. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

No Comment

I'm so disgusted with yesterday's Casey Anthony verdict in Florida that I have decided to limit today's opening remarks and focus on more pleasant memories from yesteryear. Suffice to say, I'm relatively sure that the jury from the O.J. Simpson trial surely must have retired and moved to Florida.

The News As I See It: It was so hot in California on the Fourth of July that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s clothes were out on the lawn setting themselves on fire.

In Florida, they passed a law against texting while driving. Thankfully. there’s no law preventing me from writing a letter while driving.

Sarah Palin spoke out about Independence Day, saying that if the British had won the war, we’d all be speaking English today.

The Egyptian military is asking people who they want to be the next president by using a Facebook poll. So congratulations to Egypt's new leader, President Betty White.

This Date In History: 1535; Sir Thomas More was beheaded after refusing to join Henry VIII's Church of England. 1885; Louis Paster successfully treated a patient with a rabies vaccine. 1942; Anne Frank and her family sought refuge from the Nazis in Amsterdam.

1944; A fire caused by inept fire-eaters in the main tent of the Ringling Brothers Circus in Hartford, Conn., killed over 160 people. 1957; Althea Gibson won the Wimbledon women's singles tennis title. She was the first black person to win the event.

1997; The Mars rover Sojourner rolled onto the Martian surface. 1998; Roy Rogers, the King of the Cowboys, died.

Picture Of The Day: Some colorized photographs from yesteryear for your dining and dancing pleasure.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Why is Wednesday called "Hump Day" when most people get laid on the weekends? 2) Being dyslexic has drawbacks. Years ago, I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. 3) At happy hour, the oldest person should always be seated closest to the bathroom. 4) At every happy hour there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. 5) You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a bar stool as a walker to get home.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - July 6th: You're thinking of going to the grocery store today but keep in mind that no matter what you do, the check-out line you enter will always take the longest. Don't worry, bring a snack. Romance is an option tonight if you remember to buy the wine. Personally, I like a nice chardonnay, but it's your call.

Birthdays: John Paul Jones, American naval hero 1747, Frida Kahlo, painter 1907, George Walker Bush, 43rd American president 1946, Sylvester Stallone, actor 1946, Valerie Brisco-Hooks, track and field 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked In the mirror and noticed that he was white from the neck to the top of his head. In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over, he called his doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.

After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Obama and told him to drink it all. Obama drank the concoction and said, "That tasted like bullshit!" The doctor replied, "It was, you were a quart low."

An old man was on a plane waiting to take off when he noticed a beautiful woman coming down the aisle towards him. His heart raced when she took the vacant seat beside him. Nervously, he said hello and the woman told him she was going to Las Vegas to a nymphomaniac convention.

She said, "I'm a lecturer and I'm going to debunk a few misconceptions of sexual behavior." The old man replied, "Really, what kind of myths?" She said, "Everyone thinks that African men are the most endowed, when in fact, it's the Native Americans who have that distinction. People think that Frenchmen are the best lovers and it's really Jewish men who are the best. I also discovered that Southern men have the best stamina."

Suddenly, the woman became uncomfortable. She said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be telling you all this. I don't even know your name." The old man said. "Tonto...Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba..."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of a University. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and was on crutches, went first. He said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had one arm and both legs in casts. He claimed, "Well, brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. Then I began to read to my bear from God's Holy Word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I grabbed of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled up one hill and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and Baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "You know, looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

A guy runs into his buddy at a bar and the buddy seems really upset. The guy says, "Man, you look like hell! What's the matter" His buddy says, "I just took my first flying lesson" The guy says, "Wow, that must have been scary."

His buddy says, "It was worse than that. When we got up to about 10,000 feet, my instructor told me that he was a homosexual and if I didn't have sex with him, he'd make me put on a parachute and jump out of the plane." The guy says, Holy cow, did you jump?" His buddy says, "Yeah, a little, at first...."

That's it for today my little rum runners. Remember, when you let a smile be your umbrella, there's a pretty good chance your ass is going to get soaking wet. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. See 'ya there! More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Happy Birthday America !

Happy Fourth of July America and especially to the men and women of the armed forces both past and present. I would also like to thank the many of you who took the time to pay attention in High School history class to recognize the importance of this date. A poll was taken recently which reflected that many Americans did not know the meaning of Independence Day.

The Marist Poll released in honor of America's Independence Day, July 4, showed 58 percent of residents aware their country declared independence in 1776. Twenty-six percent were unsure and 16 percent named another date.

Younger Americans, those under 30 years of age, were less likely to have the correct answer with 31 percent, compared to Americans between the ages of 45 and 59 who said 1776, 75 percent of the time.

One in four Americans also didn't know from which country the United States seceded, with 76 percent correctly naming Great Britain, 19 percent unsure and 5 percent naming another country, probably Mexico.

The survey of 1,003 adults was conducted between June 15 and June 23 via telephone and had a sampling error of plus or minus 3 percentage points. Even if you eliminate the possibility that fence jumpers from our southern borders may have been included in the poll, the results are very sad, indeed.

The News As I See It: A lot of people are taking time off for the holidays. For instance, Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is going away for a while. Blago could do 300 years - unless he’s pardoned by Oprah.

Today we’re celebrating our independence from the British. I hope that in a couple years, we’ll be able to celebrate our independence from the Chinese.

Anthony Weiner is no longer a congressman, but he wants to pick his replacement. Now there's a great endorsement.....

They’ve found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you’re eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.

The Senate canceled their vacation to work on the budget. Either they really can’t agree or they’re looking for an excuse to not go on vacation with their families.

This Date In History: 1776; The U.S. declared independence from Great Britain. 1826; Former presidents John Adams and Thomas Jefferson both died. 1831; Former president James Monroe died. 1845; Henry David Thoreau moved into his shack on Walden Pond.

1862; Lewis Carroll first told the story of Alice's Adventures Underground to the Liddell sisters. 1884; The Statue of Liberty was presented to the United States in Paris. 1895; Katharine Lee Bates published America the Beautiful.

1939; Lou Gehrig, stricken with ALS made his farewell at Yankee Stadium. 1976; The United States celebrated its bicentennial. 1997; The U.S. Pathfinder probe landed on Mars.

Picture Of The Day: 'Nuff said !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Politicians should be limited to two terms: One in office and one in prison. 2) A backyard barbecue draws two things...flies and relatives. 3) I was once asked if I would run for office. Are you kidding? I've slept with too many women, done too many drugs and been to too many parties. 4) My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. 5) I take Viagra for obvious reasons but it also keeps me from accidentally rolling out of bed.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - July 4th: Your day will be filed with endless portions of food and bar-b-cue and end in excitement and fireworks (I am getting so good at this horoscope thing and today's date had nothing to do with my soothsaying.) Since I'm relatively sure drinks will be consumed this afternoon, refrain from getting involved in the lighting of any fireworks.

Birthdays: My pal Teresita. Happy Birthday Babe! 19XX, Nathaniel Hawthorne, author 1804, Giuseppe Garibaldi, Italian patriot 1807, Stephen Foster, composer 1826, Calvin Coolidge, American president 1872, Rube Goldberg, cartoonist and sculptor 1883, Louis B. Mayer, movie executive 1885.

Meyer Lansky, mobster 1902, Ann Landers, advice columnist 1918, Abigail Van Buren, advice columnist 1918, Eva Marie Saint, actress 1924, Neil Simon, playwright, producer 1927, Gina Lollobrigida, model, actress 1927, George Steinbrenner, owner of NY Yankees 1930.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." The neighbor replied, "Really? What kind is it?" The old man said, "Twelve thirty."

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?" Bessie says, "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?" Bessie says, "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!!" Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He's on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot. The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?" One of the ladies says, "Certainly not. We purchased the car this afternoon."

The cop says, "Well, why don't you start it up and drive out of here?" The other little old lady answers, "We don't drive and besides, we are waiting." The cop says, "What are you waiting for?" The old lady sitting in the drivers seat replies," We were told that if we ever bought a car from here we would get screwed."

Murray and Maude met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Murray asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Murray for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts. Murray was thinking, "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler." Maude was thinking, "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."

That's it for today my little cherry bombs. Remember, there are very few problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

It's Gonna Be One Hell Of A Weekend !

As usual, it's the Fourth of July weekend and I'm trying to hit every party and afternoon bar-b-cue and still squeeze in the Daytona Nascar Races at the same time. There's a good karaoke party tonight at Holleman's Restaurant in Miami Springs but the Nationwide Nascar race starts at 7:00 p.m. Decisions, decisions, decisions.

The funny thing about it that there have been times when I've made similar plans, only to slip into a coma while watching the race in my recliner and end up missing everything. That's the only drawback to getting older. Sometimes my afternoon siestas screw up my plans. In my younger days, it was an afternoon matinee and nowadays, it's a nap.

Well anyway, that's my current plans and assuming I don't stay out really late, Saturday looms as a good looking bar-b-cue party day with the Daytona race on Saturday night. With any luck, I'll keep on trucking until Monday night and fill you in with my usual Monday post. That is, assuming.......

The News As I See It: California officials say that the census failed to count over a million residents of the state? Hey, if the census takers hadn't been wearing those hats similar to the ones worn by the border patrol, they would have found five million more residents.

North Korea has shut down all of its universities for 10 months so students can work in factories. Or, as they call it in North Korea, "spring break."

Mark Halprin of MSNBC, referring to the President's chiding of republicans in his press conference, said the President acted like a "dick". Halprin thought the 7 second delay was on and immediately apologized when the show returned from commercial. I would have apologized as well because I'm sorry the president's a dick. My apologies also to Richard Nixon.......

Chris Hansen, the host of "To Catch a Predator," was caught cheating on his wife with a woman 20 years younger than him. Hansen knew something was up when he walked into his kitchen and he was already there waiting for himself.

A pipe with marijuana in it was found buried in Shakespeare’s garden. That’s amazing. Shakespeare had a garden? If they dig up Shakespeare and he’s buried in a tie-dye shirt with a pint of Chunky Monkey, we’ll know it’s true.

Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation.

This Date In History: 1863; The Battle of Gettysburg, which marked the turning point in the Civil War, began. 1867; Canada became a self-governing dominion of Great Britain under the British North America Act. 1898; Theodore Roosevelt and his Rough Riders fought the battle of San Juan Hill in the Spanish-American War.

1943; Income tax withholding began in the United States. 1962; Burundi and Rwanda achieved independence. 1963; The U.S. Post Office inaugurated its five-digit ZIP (Zone Improvement Plan) codes. 1968; The United States, Britain, the Soviet Union, and 58 other nations signed the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty.

1994; Yasir Arafat returned to Palestinian land after 27 years in exile. 1997; After 156 years of British colonial rule, Hong Kong was returned to China. 2000; The Confederate flag was removed from the South Carolina statehouse.

Picture Of The Day: Monday is the Fourth of July and our great nation's birthday. Today is Canada Day, the celebration of the birth of modern day independant Canada. Happy Birthday, eh?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There is a technical meteorological term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called a "Monday." 2) My friend and his wife have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, they go to a nice restaurant for a little wine and good food. She goes on Tuesdays and he goes on Fridays. 3) Why is Wednesday called "Hump Day" when most people get laid on the weekends? 4) Vanna White has been very sick. She hasn't had a vowel movement since Thursday. 5) Sow your wild oats on Saturday night, then pray for crop failure on Sunday.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - July 1st: I know what you're thinking. Since it's the July 4th weekend, the men figure they can get by cheaply with beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control. The truth is that there is nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend. What the hell, blow the dust off your wallet and let it all hang out.....

Birthdays: George Sand, novelist 1804, Louis Blériot, aviator and inventor 1872, Thomas A. Dorsey, gospel musician 1899, Charles Laughton, actor 1899, Estée Lauder, cosmetics company founder 1908, Olivia De Havilland, actress 1916, Sydney Pollack, producer, director, actor 1934, Twyla Tharp, choreographer 1941, Kalpana Chawla, astronaut 1961, Diana, Princess of Wales 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I’m going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free." The old man replies, "I’m coming with you. I want to see you live on $800 a year."

An old cowboy and his new young bride check into a motel. The cowboy explains to the desk clerk that they were just married that morning. The clerk asks, "Would you like the bridal?" The old cowboy answers, "Nah, I'll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it."

An old woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms. The pharmacist says, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" The old woman replies, "No, but do you mind if I wait around until someone does?"

An old man went to the doctor’s the other day and found out his new doctor was a young, drop-dead gorgeous, female. He was embarrassed to undress in front of her but she said, "Don’t worry, I’m a professional. I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can." The old man said, "I think my penis may taste funny…"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity Hospital when her car suddenly runs out of gas. Luckily, she was only a block and a half from a gas station, so she got out of her car and quickly walked there. At the station, she asked the attendant to give her a quart of gasoline so that she could start her car and drive it over to fill it up. The attendant told her that he only had one gas can, and he just loaned it to someone else.

She told the attendant that she was in a hurry and would look in her car to find something to hold the gas. When she got back the the car, the only suitable container she found was a bedpan, which looked like it could easily hold a quart of gas. She brought the bedpan to the station and the attendant filled it with gas.

The nun got back to her car and started to pour the gas from the bedpan into her car. Just as she started pouring, two men walked by. One of the men said to the other, "If that car starts, I'm converting to Catholicism forever!"

When Jesus went to Heaven, the first thing he did was look for his father, as he has never met the man before and was curious as to what he looks like. He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St. Peter, "Where is my father?" St. Peter says he doesn't know. He asks the archangel Gabriel, "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know. He asks John the Baptist ,"Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.

Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. Jesus says, "Who are you?" The old man says."Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father?

Jesus says, "Tell me of your son, old man." The old man says, "Oh, you would know him if you saw him. He has holes in his hand where the nails used to be....." Jesus shouts, "Father!!!" The old man yells, "Pinocchio!!!"

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that it was definitely in the bible. Then, the preacher opened his bible and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

That's it for today my little chili dogs. Remember, John was told to come forth and he would receive eternal life. John came fifth but he did win a toaster. I'm going to AREA 51. Have a great Fourth of July weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !