Friday, July 1, 2011

It's Gonna Be One Hell Of A Weekend !

As usual, it's the Fourth of July weekend and I'm trying to hit every party and afternoon bar-b-cue and still squeeze in the Daytona Nascar Races at the same time. There's a good karaoke party tonight at Holleman's Restaurant in Miami Springs but the Nationwide Nascar race starts at 7:00 p.m. Decisions, decisions, decisions.

The funny thing about it that there have been times when I've made similar plans, only to slip into a coma while watching the race in my recliner and end up missing everything. That's the only drawback to getting older. Sometimes my afternoon siestas screw up my plans. In my younger days, it was an afternoon matinee and nowadays, it's a nap.

Well anyway, that's my current plans and assuming I don't stay out really late, Saturday looms as a good looking bar-b-cue party day with the Daytona race on Saturday night. With any luck, I'll keep on trucking until Monday night and fill you in with my usual Monday post. That is, assuming.......

The News As I See It: California officials say that the census failed to count over a million residents of the state? Hey, if the census takers hadn't been wearing those hats similar to the ones worn by the border patrol, they would have found five million more residents.

North Korea has shut down all of its universities for 10 months so students can work in factories. Or, as they call it in North Korea, "spring break."

Mark Halprin of MSNBC, referring to the President's chiding of republicans in his press conference, said the President acted like a "dick". Halprin thought the 7 second delay was on and immediately apologized when the show returned from commercial. I would have apologized as well because I'm sorry the president's a dick. My apologies also to Richard Nixon.......

Chris Hansen, the host of "To Catch a Predator," was caught cheating on his wife with a woman 20 years younger than him. Hansen knew something was up when he walked into his kitchen and he was already there waiting for himself.

A pipe with marijuana in it was found buried in Shakespeare’s garden. That’s amazing. Shakespeare had a garden? If they dig up Shakespeare and he’s buried in a tie-dye shirt with a pint of Chunky Monkey, we’ll know it’s true.

Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation.

This Date In History: 1863; The Battle of Gettysburg, which marked the turning point in the Civil War, began. 1867; Canada became a self-governing dominion of Great Britain under the British North America Act. 1898; Theodore Roosevelt and his Rough Riders fought the battle of San Juan Hill in the Spanish-American War.

1943; Income tax withholding began in the United States. 1962; Burundi and Rwanda achieved independence. 1963; The U.S. Post Office inaugurated its five-digit ZIP (Zone Improvement Plan) codes. 1968; The United States, Britain, the Soviet Union, and 58 other nations signed the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty.

1994; Yasir Arafat returned to Palestinian land after 27 years in exile. 1997; After 156 years of British colonial rule, Hong Kong was returned to China. 2000; The Confederate flag was removed from the South Carolina statehouse.

Picture Of The Day: Monday is the Fourth of July and our great nation's birthday. Today is Canada Day, the celebration of the birth of modern day independant Canada. Happy Birthday, eh?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There is a technical meteorological term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called a "Monday." 2) My friend and his wife have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, they go to a nice restaurant for a little wine and good food. She goes on Tuesdays and he goes on Fridays. 3) Why is Wednesday called "Hump Day" when most people get laid on the weekends? 4) Vanna White has been very sick. She hasn't had a vowel movement since Thursday. 5) Sow your wild oats on Saturday night, then pray for crop failure on Sunday.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - July 1st: I know what you're thinking. Since it's the July 4th weekend, the men figure they can get by cheaply with beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control. The truth is that there is nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend. What the hell, blow the dust off your wallet and let it all hang out.....

Birthdays: George Sand, novelist 1804, Louis Blériot, aviator and inventor 1872, Thomas A. Dorsey, gospel musician 1899, Charles Laughton, actor 1899, Estée Lauder, cosmetics company founder 1908, Olivia De Havilland, actress 1916, Sydney Pollack, producer, director, actor 1934, Twyla Tharp, choreographer 1941, Kalpana Chawla, astronaut 1961, Diana, Princess of Wales 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I’m going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free." The old man replies, "I’m coming with you. I want to see you live on $800 a year."

An old cowboy and his new young bride check into a motel. The cowboy explains to the desk clerk that they were just married that morning. The clerk asks, "Would you like the bridal?" The old cowboy answers, "Nah, I'll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it."

An old woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms. The pharmacist says, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" The old woman replies, "No, but do you mind if I wait around until someone does?"

An old man went to the doctor’s the other day and found out his new doctor was a young, drop-dead gorgeous, female. He was embarrassed to undress in front of her but she said, "Don’t worry, I’m a professional. I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can." The old man said, "I think my penis may taste funny…"


The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity Hospital when her car suddenly runs out of gas. Luckily, she was only a block and a half from a gas station, so she got out of her car and quickly walked there. At the station, she asked the attendant to give her a quart of gasoline so that she could start her car and drive it over to fill it up. The attendant told her that he only had one gas can, and he just loaned it to someone else.

She told the attendant that she was in a hurry and would look in her car to find something to hold the gas. When she got back the the car, the only suitable container she found was a bedpan, which looked like it could easily hold a quart of gas. She brought the bedpan to the station and the attendant filled it with gas.

The nun got back to her car and started to pour the gas from the bedpan into her car. Just as she started pouring, two men walked by. One of the men said to the other, "If that car starts, I'm converting to Catholicism forever!"

When Jesus went to Heaven, the first thing he did was look for his father, as he has never met the man before and was curious as to what he looks like. He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St. Peter, "Where is my father?" St. Peter says he doesn't know. He asks the archangel Gabriel, "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know. He asks John the Baptist ,"Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.

Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. Jesus says, "Who are you?" The old man says."Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father?

Jesus says, "Tell me of your son, old man." The old man says, "Oh, you would know him if you saw him. He has holes in his hand where the nails used to be....." Jesus shouts, "Father!!!" The old man yells, "Pinocchio!!!"

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that it was definitely in the bible. Then, the preacher opened his bible and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

That's it for today my little chili dogs. Remember, John was told to come forth and he would receive eternal life. John came fifth but he did win a toaster. I'm going to AREA 51. Have a great Fourth of July weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

5 comments:

jack69 said...

Aw, go ahead, drive your car in the race (But spend the night at area 51 first).

Some things strike me funny, and I don't know why. but It ried to read this to Sherry (She hasn't been here yet and I love to do this) but I broke up what is so funny about this:
Vanna White has been very sick. She hasn't had a vowel movement since Thursday.

Anyway thanks for the laughs and education.
Jack & Sherry

Rose said...

Enjoy your long weekend!

I plan on watching the fireworks from home on the TV.

Yikes, nasty weather yesterday and today in my neck of the woods.

Two trees were down from the fierce, strong winds.......what a storm..........

Hugs, Rose

Paula said...

Have a nice 4th of July holiday.

Julie said...

I have to take the rest of the weekend to recover from the party on Friday. How do you keep going every day. I hate to admit I must be getting older, LOL

Missy said...

I hope you managed to do all your holiday plans. Happy 4th and I liked the jokes. Take care, Jimmy.


Missy