Looking Forward To A Great Sports Weekend

This weekend will have live coverage of the Kentucky Derby and the NASCAR Infinity Series at Talladega Super Speedway, Saturday night is the pay-per-view broadcast of the Mayweather- Pacquiao fight in Las Vegas and Sunday's finale is the Talladega 500 Sprint Cup Series.

It is a welcome break from non-stop media coverage of crime and lawlessness across the nation stemming from the death of a drug dealer at the hands of police.

While I condemn acts of police brutality, I also condemn the ignorant thugs who use someone's death as an excuse to destroy property and loot businesses.

I question the inrelligence of those who commit these acts of violence as they destroy their own neighborhoods and the few businesses who had the courage to establish themselves there. These acts only further widen the racial gap.

The News As I See It: The Baltimore riots caused the Baltimore Orioles and the Chicago White Sox to play a game in a completely empty stadium. It was the first major sporting event to be played in an empty stadium, unless you count every professional soccer game in America.

The NFL draft is under way. It will be simulcast on ESPN and Court TV.

Bruce Jenner will reportedly make a return to motivational speaking. And it's going to be a little tougher, because now he's only going to make 77 cents on the dollar.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six democrats under 30 who actually vote.

Ford has recalled almost 600,000 vehicles for steering problems. Owners are being told to bring their cars in as close to the dealership as they can get it.

The city of Chicago is building a new high school named after Obama. The school will be very popular...at first. Their student government won't be very good, but the golf team is expected to be amazing.

The undefeated Dortmund (Big Brown) heads the field in Saturday's run for the roses in the Kentucky Derby.

This Date In History: 1707; The Act of Union joined England and Scotland to form Great Britain. 1931; The Empire State Building opened in New York City. At 102 stories, it would be the world's tallest building for the next 41 years. Click to see the current tallest.

1941; Orson Welles's Citizen Kane, considered by many the greatest film ever made, premiered in New York. 1948; The Democratic People's Republic of Korea (North Korea) was established with Kim Il Sung as president.

1960; The Soviet Union shot down an American U-2 reconnaissance plane over Soviet territory. 1967; Elvis Presley married Priscilla Beaulieu. (They divorced in 1973.)

1991; 44-year-old Texas fireballer Nolan Ryan hurled his seventh and final no-hitter in a 3-0 victory over the Toronto Blue Jays. That same day, Oakland's Rickey Henderson broke Lou Brock’s stolen base record.

2003; President Bush made a speech aboard an aircraft carrier proclaiming "major combat operations in Iraq have ended." 2009; For the first time in 341 years, a woman is appointed as poet laureate of the United Kingdom. Carol Ann Duffy, 53, will take over the post from current poet laureate Andrew Motion.

Picture Of The Day: Which way is Baltimore? I heard they have varmint problems.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Women seem to be unaware that it's perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get into their car. 2) I find it strange how, after they couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together, the King's men thought, "Let's give the horses a shot at it." 3) My girlfriend said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her change her religion and gave her smallpox. 4) Then, the spiral staircase said, "Oh, look! Jimmy's drinking Grey Goose vodka on the rocks. Let's kill him!"  5) My girlfriend just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid tonight just went from 0 to 750ml.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 1st: The morning hours will be just so-so today and tomorrow your gas tank will go from zero to $50 in under a minute. A liter of Johnnie Walker Black scotch will take you blissfully into the weekend and a rousing Saturday night. Sunday morning, you will probably wake up underneath your neighbor's swing-set.

Birthdays: Joseph Addison, writer 1672, Mary Harris Jones, labor agitator 1830, Calamity Jane, frontier character 1852, Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, philosopher 1881, Joseph Heller, writer 1923, Wes Anderson, filmmaker 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joseph said, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out."

Joseph continued, "Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no f*cking bike."

A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. The clerk says. "Congratulations!"

Looking at the cowboy, the clerk asks, "Would you like the bridal then?" The cowboy replies, "Naw, thanks. I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

Three ladies are playing the fourth hole at a members-only golf club when a naked man with a bag over his head jumps out from behind the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies are in total shock at the size of his manhood!

The first lady says, "Well, he definitely isn't my husband." The second lady looks at his manhood and says, "He sure isn't my husband." The third lady takes a good look and says, "He's not even a member of this club!"

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

That's it for today, my little rug rats. Remember, when someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first. That should tell you everything you need to know about marriage. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

The Heartbreak Of Sports

The 2-3 Miami Dolphins play Chicago this weekend and the team has been cautioned about the dangers of Ebola. If last week's loss with seconds left to go against Green Bay is any indication, chances are they won't catch anything.

Of course, there's the high crime rate that is becoming synonymous with Chicago, but the people of Chicago already have an NFL team, so they're accustomed to it. All NFL teams have received a newsletter informing them about the dangers of Ebola. Meanwhile, Ebola has received a letter about the dangers of the NFL.

More Football: Dallas Cowboys running back Joseph Randle was arrested for stealing cologne and a two-pack of underwear from a store in Texas. That's disappointing for two reasons. First, he was stealing. Second, he couldn't outrun a mall security guard. He’s an NFL running back. Break a tackle!

The Nascar Sprint Cup Chase Championship goes to race at Talladega, Alabama this weekend and after the numerous on and off track incidents in Charlotte last weekend, racing three and four abreast at over 200 mile per hour should make for an interesting race.

The Camping World Truck series races on the high banks on Saturday afternoon with the Sprint Cup drivers duking it out on Sunday.

The News As I See It: Obama is trying very hard to put people at ease about Ebola. Obama said he hugged and kissed some of the nurses in Atlanta who had treated the patients with Ebola. After kissing Obama, all nurses involved were rechecked for Ebola.

Speaking of monkeys, The government of Gibraltar gathered about 30 monkeys that they call "problem monkeys" because of their destructive behavior and shipped them off to live in Scotland. I don't know about mixing monkeys with Scottish people. They can be violent, nasty and unpredictable. So be careful, monkeys.

A new poll shows that only a slim majority of Americans think the country is prepared for an Ebola outbreak. I think that's a bit critical. It only took us a couple of months to completely eradicate Gangnam Style.

There's a drought in Los Angeles and the mayor said residents should cut water use by 20 percent. Unfortunately, he said it in English, so nobody understood him.

The Pentagon just announced that its fight against ISIS will be called "Operation Inherent Resolve." They came up with that name using "Operation Random Thesaurus."

New York City is still overrun with rats. There are so many rats that Mayor Bill de Blasio was on live television asking every citizen here to make sure to have your rat spayed or neutered.

Forbes has released their list of top-earning deceased celebrities. The richest famous dead person this year is Michael Jackson. He earned $140 million this year. You have to admire Michael's work ethic. A lot of big stars stop working when they die.

This Date In History: 1777; British Gen. Burgoyne surrendered in Saratoga, N.Y. during the American Revolution. 1931; Mobster Al Capone was convicted of income tax evasion for which he was sentenced to 11 years in prison.

1933; Albert Einstein arrived in the United States as a refugee from Nazi Germany. 1979; Mother Teresa was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for her work with the poor in Calcutta, India. 1989; An earthquake measuring 7.1 in magnitude killed 67 and injured over 3,000 in San Francisco.

Picture Of The Day: The Miami Dolphins lose to the Green Bay Packers as the Pack scores with four seconds remaining in the game.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My dog doesn't always bark like there's an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I'm home alone and in the shower. 2) I need a vacation. It took me 15 minutes of my girlfriend talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car. 3) Despite their other contributions to our society, lawyers can still be a great source of protein.

4) I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom and I went in, only to find my girlfriend in bed with 10 ducks. I'm heartbroken. 5) The city of Chicago got started when a bunch of people in New York said, "You know, I'm enjoying the crime and poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 15th: You may not be pleased with today's experiences, but tomorrow will be great. Keep in mind that half the people in the world are below average. So hang loose pilgrim, tomorrow will be a better day. Chance of romance is 66.47 percent today increasing to 89.04 percent tomorrow.

Birthdays: My friend, Elaine - Happy Birthday girl! 19XX,   Nathanael West, novelist 1903, Irene Ryan, actress 1903, Arthur Miller, playwright 1915, Rita Hayworth, actress 1918, Montgomery Clift, actor 1920, Evel Knievel, daredevil 1938, Margot Kidder, actress 1948, Mae C. Jemison, physician, astronaut 1956, Ernie Els, golfer 1969.



Another beautiful photograph by Oscar Lopez

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What went wrong? What did you do to them?"

The new farmer replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far enough apart."

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? The coroner replied, "No, I did not."

The attorney asked, "Did you listen to the heart?" The coroner answered, "No, I did not." The attorney: said, "Did you check for breathing?" The coroner said, "No."

The attorney said, "So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?" The coroner replied, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A rich Texas oilman and his wife were having dinner when a stunning woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "She's my mistress." His wife says, "That's the last straw. I want a divorce and I'm going to hire the meanest, most aggressive lawyer I know and make your life miserable.

The husband says, "I understand, but remember, if we get a divorce, we'll have to divide everything. I'll have to sell our estate, so that we can buy two two smaller homes. I'll have to sell the Rolls-Royce, so that we can buy economical cars. It will mean no more vacations in the Caribbean, no more country club privileges and you'll have to give up all your charge accounts."

Just then, a mutual friend came in with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. The wife asks, "Who's that with Jim?" The husband says, "That's his mistress." His wife says, "Ours is prettier!"

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in an adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "I lived here years ago." The old lady continued, "So, where were you all these years?" The man says, "In prison."

The old lady asked, "Why did they put you in prison?" He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife." The old woman said, "Oh! So you're single...?!"

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.

An old drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I just love ballerinas." The woman stares at the drunk and replies angrily, "I'm not a ballerina!"

The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

That's it for today, my little pork chops. Remember, dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. I'm joining my friends in AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

It's Gonna Be One Hell Of A Weekend !

As usual, it's the Fourth of July weekend and I'm trying to hit every party and afternoon bar-b-cue and still squeeze in the Daytona Nascar Races at the same time. There's a good karaoke party tonight at Holleman's Restaurant in Miami Springs but the Nationwide Nascar race starts at 7:00 p.m. Decisions, decisions, decisions.

The funny thing about it that there have been times when I've made similar plans, only to slip into a coma while watching the race in my recliner and end up missing everything. That's the only drawback to getting older. Sometimes my afternoon siestas screw up my plans. In my younger days, it was an afternoon matinee and nowadays, it's a nap.

Well anyway, that's my current plans and assuming I don't stay out really late, Saturday looms as a good looking bar-b-cue party day with the Daytona race on Saturday night. With any luck, I'll keep on trucking until Monday night and fill you in with my usual Monday post. That is, assuming.......

The News As I See It: California officials say that the census failed to count over a million residents of the state? Hey, if the census takers hadn't been wearing those hats similar to the ones worn by the border patrol, they would have found five million more residents.

North Korea has shut down all of its universities for 10 months so students can work in factories. Or, as they call it in North Korea, "spring break."

Mark Halprin of MSNBC, referring to the President's chiding of republicans in his press conference, said the President acted like a "dick". Halprin thought the 7 second delay was on and immediately apologized when the show returned from commercial. I would have apologized as well because I'm sorry the president's a dick. My apologies also to Richard Nixon.......

Chris Hansen, the host of "To Catch a Predator," was caught cheating on his wife with a woman 20 years younger than him. Hansen knew something was up when he walked into his kitchen and he was already there waiting for himself.

A pipe with marijuana in it was found buried in Shakespeare’s garden. That’s amazing. Shakespeare had a garden? If they dig up Shakespeare and he’s buried in a tie-dye shirt with a pint of Chunky Monkey, we’ll know it’s true.

Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation.

This Date In History: 1863; The Battle of Gettysburg, which marked the turning point in the Civil War, began. 1867; Canada became a self-governing dominion of Great Britain under the British North America Act. 1898; Theodore Roosevelt and his Rough Riders fought the battle of San Juan Hill in the Spanish-American War.

1943; Income tax withholding began in the United States. 1962; Burundi and Rwanda achieved independence. 1963; The U.S. Post Office inaugurated its five-digit ZIP (Zone Improvement Plan) codes. 1968; The United States, Britain, the Soviet Union, and 58 other nations signed the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty.

1994; Yasir Arafat returned to Palestinian land after 27 years in exile. 1997; After 156 years of British colonial rule, Hong Kong was returned to China. 2000; The Confederate flag was removed from the South Carolina statehouse.

Picture Of The Day: Monday is the Fourth of July and our great nation's birthday. Today is Canada Day, the celebration of the birth of modern day independant Canada. Happy Birthday, eh?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There is a technical meteorological term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called a "Monday." 2) My friend and his wife have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, they go to a nice restaurant for a little wine and good food. She goes on Tuesdays and he goes on Fridays. 3) Why is Wednesday called "Hump Day" when most people get laid on the weekends? 4) Vanna White has been very sick. She hasn't had a vowel movement since Thursday. 5) Sow your wild oats on Saturday night, then pray for crop failure on Sunday.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - July 1st: I know what you're thinking. Since it's the July 4th weekend, the men figure they can get by cheaply with beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control. The truth is that there is nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend. What the hell, blow the dust off your wallet and let it all hang out.....

Birthdays: George Sand, novelist 1804, Louis Blériot, aviator and inventor 1872, Thomas A. Dorsey, gospel musician 1899, Charles Laughton, actor 1899, Estée Lauder, cosmetics company founder 1908, Olivia De Havilland, actress 1916, Sydney Pollack, producer, director, actor 1934, Twyla Tharp, choreographer 1941, Kalpana Chawla, astronaut 1961, Diana, Princess of Wales 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I’m going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free." The old man replies, "I’m coming with you. I want to see you live on $800 a year."

An old cowboy and his new young bride check into a motel. The cowboy explains to the desk clerk that they were just married that morning. The clerk asks, "Would you like the bridal?" The old cowboy answers, "Nah, I'll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it."

An old woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms. The pharmacist says, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" The old woman replies, "No, but do you mind if I wait around until someone does?"

An old man went to the doctor’s the other day and found out his new doctor was a young, drop-dead gorgeous, female. He was embarrassed to undress in front of her but she said, "Don’t worry, I’m a professional. I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can." The old man said, "I think my penis may taste funny…"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity Hospital when her car suddenly runs out of gas. Luckily, she was only a block and a half from a gas station, so she got out of her car and quickly walked there. At the station, she asked the attendant to give her a quart of gasoline so that she could start her car and drive it over to fill it up. The attendant told her that he only had one gas can, and he just loaned it to someone else.

She told the attendant that she was in a hurry and would look in her car to find something to hold the gas. When she got back the the car, the only suitable container she found was a bedpan, which looked like it could easily hold a quart of gas. She brought the bedpan to the station and the attendant filled it with gas.

The nun got back to her car and started to pour the gas from the bedpan into her car. Just as she started pouring, two men walked by. One of the men said to the other, "If that car starts, I'm converting to Catholicism forever!"

When Jesus went to Heaven, the first thing he did was look for his father, as he has never met the man before and was curious as to what he looks like. He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St. Peter, "Where is my father?" St. Peter says he doesn't know. He asks the archangel Gabriel, "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know. He asks John the Baptist ,"Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.

Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. Jesus says, "Who are you?" The old man says."Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father?

Jesus says, "Tell me of your son, old man." The old man says, "Oh, you would know him if you saw him. He has holes in his hand where the nails used to be....." Jesus shouts, "Father!!!" The old man yells, "Pinocchio!!!"

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that it was definitely in the bible. Then, the preacher opened his bible and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

That's it for today my little chili dogs. Remember, John was told to come forth and he would receive eternal life. John came fifth but he did win a toaster. I'm going to AREA 51. Have a great Fourth of July weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Super Bowl Thoughts

I though the best Super Bowl commercial was the kid in the Darth Vadar costume. Oddly enough, it reminded me of my little pal, Brad (who has since passed away), who would come to my office to see his father at a similar age (6 or 7). When he would walk into the room, one of my friends would say, "Hey Brad, watch this" and my friend would press a knothole on the wood paneling.

When he did, the lights in the office would turn off. Then, Brad would try the same thing with the same results. Brad was amazed. Of course, what really happened was another friend had his finger on the light switch and was manipulating the switch to coordinate it with the pressing of the knothole. Too cute !

Congratulations to Christina Aguilera for mauling the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner at the Super Bowl in front of more than 100 million viewers. For the obscene sum that she was paid, you'd think she would at least be able to remember the words. It seems to me that certain words should be an automatic in any American's mind. Two that come to mind would be the Lord's Prayer and the National Anthem.

As for the game itself, I thought the first quarter was a runaway and was almost tempted to change channels. The game became a bit more interesting when Pittsburgh drew nearer at the end of the first half. The unfortunate injuries and numerous mistakes did not show me two championship teams, rather a comedy of errors. Fortunately, the fourth quarter was interesting and exciting indeed and brought the game back to a semblance of the typical hype that it generates.

Ok, show's over! Thankfully, basketball season is almost over and Nascar starts this week. Speedweeks at Daytona International Speedway starts the season this weekend with the Bud Shootout on Saturday night and Daytona 500 qualifying on Sunday afternoon. The track has been completely repaved and three abreast racing at speeds approaching 200 miles per hour should make for some exciting racing!

The News As I See It: AOL is purchasing The Huffington Post for over 300 million dollars. Now there's a thought....AOL can't run an up-to-date, efficient web site, cannot get the advertisers they once had and they figure they'll solve the problem by buying Arianna Huffington's lame-ass liberal web site. Sounds like Obamanomics. Go figure.....

A Palm Beach priest has admitted to violations of chastity with an adult woman. When the Vatican heard about this, they said "With a woman? Thank God!"

Secretary of state Hillary O'Clinton said regarding the crises in Egypt that the Obozo administration is not advocating or working toward any specific outcome. That's the same policy they've had during current U.S. economic crises. Just kind of go along and see what happens.

Oil companies are now saying that the unrest in the Middle East could lead to an increase in gas prices. Did you ever notice that everything leads to increased gas prices? Egypt, the snowstorm, Snooki's book, the "American Idol" judges......

Sarah Palin said she may run for president. I understand there's an opening in Egypt.

This Date In History: 1795; The 11th Amendment to the Constitution was ratified. 1904; Disastrous fire destroyed more than 1,500 buildings in downtown Baltimore. 1926; Carter G. Woodson founded Negro History Week, which later evolved into Black History Month.

1964; The Beatles arrived in the U.S. for the first time. 1971; Women in Switzerland were finally granted suffrage. 1974; The island of Grenada won its independence from Britain. 1986; President Jean-Claude "Baby Doc" Duvalier fled Haiti. 1990; The Communist Party of the Soviet Union allowed other parties to compete for power.

Picture Of The Day: As the news gets more interesting, the photo shop gang works overtime to keep up with it. You can almost always count on Lindsay Lohan to screw up. Her most recent catastrophe involves her allegedly stealing jewelry (her version is that it was "loaned" to her). Of course, Egypt has fueled a multitude of photo shop pics including today's award winning entry.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I was getting on a plane to New York and I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York and send the other one to Los Angeles." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!" 2) My doctor told me that the way to improve my love life was exercise. He said to run two miles a day. Two weeks later I called the doctor. He asked, "How is your love life since you have been running?" I said, "I don't know, I'm 28 miles away!" 3) Last week, I was in front of a judge. The judge said "You've been brought here for drinking." I said, "Okay, let's get started." 4) As I left the courtroom, I saw a drunk go up to a parking meter and put in a quarter. The dial went to 60 and the drunk said, "Huh, I lost 100 pounds!" 5) I'm always frank and earnest with women. In New York, I'm Frank and in Las Vegas, I'm Ernest......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aquarius - February 7th: The truth is much harder to find than fiction. Don't be afraid to spread damn dirty lies. If you keep repeating it, it might come true. Your ability to perform open heart surgery may be brought into question today as you attempt to help an asthmatic in the local park who's having breathing difficulties. Don't trust anyone today. Stay inside until today is all over and done with. Don't trust this horoscope either. Just don't - okay?

Birthdays: Sir Thomas More, statesman 1478, John Deere, industrialist and manufacturer 1804, Charles Dickens, novelist 1812, Laura Ingalls Wilder, author 1867, Eubie Blake, pianist and composer 1883, Sinclair Lewis, novelist 1885, An Wang, computer entrepreneur 1920, James Spader, actor 1960, Chris Rock, comedian 1966, Ashton Kutcher, actor 1978.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Mildred was 90 years old and was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. The doctor said, "On a woman, the heart would be just below the left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" The first man said, "274." The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" The second man said, "Tuesday."

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, what's three times three?" The third man says, "Nine." The doctor said, That's great! How did you get that?" The third man answered, "SimpIe, I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Jack staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. Little Jack asked, "Father Garnett, what is this?" Farther Garnett said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque. Little Jack turned to Father Garnett and softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the citizens of this country actually eat dogs." Her companion replies, "That's odd, but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it.

Mother superior says, "Two dogs, please." The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs". The mother superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part of the dog did you get?"

A man and wife attended church one evening, and the wife decided that it was time to stop her husband from sleeping in Church. So, she took her hat pin and decided she would poke him every time he fell asleep. Right about the first time he falls asleep, the preacher asks, "And who created the Universe?" The wife poked her husband and he awakes and yells, "My God!"

The second time he falls asleep, the preacher asks, "And who died on the cross for you?" She pokes her husband and he screams, "Jesus Christ!" The third time, the Preacher asks, " And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" The wife pokes her husband and he jumps up and yells, "By God, if you poke me with that thing one more time, I am going to break it off...!"

That's it for today my little kid knee beans. Remember, everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap, so if you'd like to teach people a lesson in trust, fill your soap dispenser with mustard. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Jeff Gordon Fires Pit Crew?

In NASCAR, Jeff Gordon announced yesterday that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Detroit youths.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Detroit were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 8 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 12 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more than he bargained for.

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 8 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Budweiser, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

The News As I See It: The White House held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. The world leader with the funny name, who grew up in Asia, said he enjoyed meeting President Hu. President Obozo wore a traditional Chinese-made garment: a pair of Nikes. Hu’s advance team came a week earlier to make sure that wherever he’s staying has no Chinese drywall.

Dick Cheney says he may need a heart transplant. The doctors discovered the problem during Cheney’s annual autopsy. On the other hand, George W. Bush is still waiting on his brain transplant.

The Feds arrested 127 mobsters in three states. Of all of those men, four of them were not named Vinnie. The prosecutors say that the highest-level mobster arrested is known as "The Old Man." They call him that because he makes an offer he can’t remember.

This Date In History: 1793; King Louis XVI was guillotined for treason. 1915;
The first Kiwanis Club was founded in Detroit. 1924 Vladimir Ilyich Lenin died in Moscow. 1950; George Orwell died in London. 1950; Former State department official Alger Hiss found guilty of perjury.

1954; USS Nautilus, the first nuclear-powered submarine was launched. 1977; President Carter pardoned most Vietnam War draft evaders. 2003; The U.S. Census Bureau reported that Hispanics had surpassed Blacks as the largest minority group.

Picture Of The Day: Dolly Parton turned 65 this week and her doctors have given her a clean bill of health. She looks pretty healthy to me ~

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The reason there is no Disneyland in China is that no one's tall enough to go on the good rides. 2) I wonder what people in China call their good plates? 3) A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it. 4) Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." 5) One in five people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad. Or it could be my younger brother Kirt. Or, it could be my sister Sun-Lee-Chu. But I think it's Kirt.......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aquarius - January 21: Cups of coffee will start to rack up around your desk today as you try to get everything done under the heavy influence of a bucket of caffeine. You may start to question evolution today, and upon doing so you'll hopefully encounter a reason for your deserving the Darwin award. Lunchtime is the best time of day for you today. Avoid low-level lighting this week, and any power lines that you might have to pass under on the way to work. Dead clowns will try to follow you home.

Birthdays: My pal Vivian. Happy Birthday girl 19XX, Ethan Allen, soldier 1738, John C. Fremont, explorer, soldier, and political leader 1813, Stonewall Jackson (Thomas Jonathan Jackson), American Confederate General 1824, Sophia Jex-Blake, physician 1840, Christian Dior, fashion designer 1905, Telly Savalas, actor 1924, Jack Nicklaus, golfer 1940, Placido Domingo, tenor 1941, Geena Davis, actress 1956.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so.

The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. The 5-year-old said, "Hit him again. He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. The little girl asked, "What are they doing, Grandma?" he grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his front paw and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

The little girl said, "They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" Her Grandma said, "How do you mean?" The little girl said, "Offer someone a helping hand and they screw you every time!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Garnett for his contribution to today's stories.

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. She said, "Look, I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!" Then he got a little panicky. He thought, "I don't remember her but maybe, during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!"

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?" She said with a horrified look, "No, I'm your son's second grade teacher."

A little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my Grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

That's it for today my little cupcakes. Remember, "Always" and "never" are two words you should always remember never to use. What? I think I'm going to the Karaoke show tonight in AREA 51. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

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