I'm so disgusted with yesterday's Casey Anthony verdict in Florida that I have decided to limit today's opening remarks and focus on more pleasant memories from yesteryear. Suffice to say, I'm relatively sure that the jury from the O.J. Simpson trial surely must have retired and moved to Florida.
The News As I See It: It was so hot in California on the Fourth of July that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s clothes were out on the lawn setting themselves on fire.
In Florida, they passed a law against texting while driving. Thankfully. there’s no law preventing me from writing a letter while driving.
Sarah Palin spoke out about Independence Day, saying that if the British had won the war, we’d all be speaking English today.
The Egyptian military is asking people who they want to be the next president by using a Facebook poll. So congratulations to Egypt's new leader, President Betty White.
This Date In History: 1535; Sir Thomas More was beheaded after refusing to join Henry VIII's Church of England. 1885; Louis Paster successfully treated a patient with a rabies vaccine. 1942; Anne Frank and her family sought refuge from the Nazis in Amsterdam.
1944; A fire caused by inept fire-eaters in the main tent of the Ringling Brothers Circus in Hartford, Conn., killed over 160 people. 1957; Althea Gibson won the Wimbledon women's singles tennis title. She was the first black person to win the event.
1997; The Mars rover Sojourner rolled onto the Martian surface. 1998; Roy Rogers, the King of the Cowboys, died.
Picture Of The Day: Some colorized photographs from yesteryear for your dining and dancing pleasure.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Why is Wednesday called "Hump Day" when most people get laid on the weekends? 2) Being dyslexic has drawbacks. Years ago, I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. 3) At happy hour, the oldest person should always be seated closest to the bathroom. 4) At every happy hour there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. 5) You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a bar stool as a walker to get home.....and that's five !
Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - July 6th: You're thinking of going to the grocery store today but keep in mind that no matter what you do, the check-out line you enter will always take the longest. Don't worry, bring a snack. Romance is an option tonight if you remember to buy the wine. Personally, I like a nice chardonnay, but it's your call.
Birthdays: John Paul Jones, American naval hero 1747, Frida Kahlo, painter 1907, George Walker Bush, 43rd American president 1946, Sylvester Stallone, actor 1946, Valerie Brisco-Hooks, track and field 1960.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked In the mirror and noticed that he was white from the neck to the top of his head. In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over, he called his doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.
After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Obama and told him to drink it all. Obama drank the concoction and said, "That tasted like bullshit!" The doctor replied, "It was, you were a quart low."
An old man was on a plane waiting to take off when he noticed a beautiful woman coming down the aisle towards him. His heart raced when she took the vacant seat beside him. Nervously, he said hello and the woman told him she was going to Las Vegas to a nymphomaniac convention.
She said, "I'm a lecturer and I'm going to debunk a few misconceptions of sexual behavior." The old man replied, "Really, what kind of myths?" She said, "Everyone thinks that African men are the most endowed, when in fact, it's the Native Americans who have that distinction. People think that Frenchmen are the best lovers and it's really Jewish men who are the best. I also discovered that Southern men have the best stamina."
Suddenly, the woman became uncomfortable. She said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be telling you all this. I don't even know your name." The old man said. "Tonto...Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba..."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of a University. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and was on crutches, went first. He said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had one arm and both legs in casts. He claimed, "Well, brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. Then I began to read to my bear from God's Holy Word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I grabbed of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled up one hill and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and Baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "You know, looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
A guy runs into his buddy at a bar and the buddy seems really upset. The guy says, "Man, you look like hell! What's the matter" His buddy says, "I just took my first flying lesson" The guy says, "Wow, that must have been scary."
His buddy says, "It was worse than that. When we got up to about 10,000 feet, my instructor told me that he was a homosexual and if I didn't have sex with him, he'd make me put on a parachute and jump out of the plane." The guy says, Holy cow, did you jump?" His buddy says, "Yeah, a little, at first...."
That's it for today my little rum runners. Remember, when you let a smile be your umbrella, there's a pretty good chance your ass is going to get soaking wet. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. See 'ya there! More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !