Tsarnaev Found Guilty

Jurors in the Boston Marathon bombing trial found Dzhokhar Tsarnaev guilty of all 30 counts, including 17 that carry a possible penalty of death. The trial will next move into a penalty phase, where the jury will hear testimony and arguments from both sides and ultimately be tasked with deciding whether he gets the death penalty.

Three spectators were killed in the bombings: Krystle Marie Campbell, (29), a restaurant manager from Medford, Massachusetts, Lu Lingzi, (23), a Chinese national and Boston University graduate student and Martin William Richard, an eight-year-old boy from the Dorchester neighborhood of Boston, who was killed by the second bomb.

On April 18 at about 10:48 pm, Sean A. Collier, 27, an MIT police officer of Wilmington, Massachusetts, living in Somerville, Massachusetts, was ambushed in his police car and died from multiple gunshot wounds.

It's now time see if the jury will do what's right or will there be a bleeding heart that will stop the execution of the heartless bastard? Time will tell.....

The News As I See It: A massive power outage in Washington, affected a number of federal buildings, including the White House. When asked when they could restore power to the White House, officials said, "2016?"

A new survey found that a growing number of millennials want to work from home and get more time off. They would have said more, but they had to pick up their gold star for participating in that survey.

Someone in Utah has come down with a rare allergy to water. The person's going to be fine though because they just moved to California.

This Date In History: 1513; Ponce de León claimed Florida for Spain. 1913; The 17th Amendment was ratified, requiring the direct election of U.S. senators by popular vote rather than by the state legislators.

1935; The Works Progress Administration (WPA) was approved by Congress to help alleviate joblessness during the Great Depression. 1946; The League of Nations assembled for the last time. 1973; Artist Pablo Picasso died.

1974; Henry "Hank" Aaron hit the 715th home run of his career, breaking Babe Ruth's record. 1986; Actor Clint Eastwood was elected mayor of Carmel, California. 1992; Tennis ace Arthur Ashe announced that he had AIDS.

Picture Of The Day: Many hearts were broken that fateful day.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) People sometimes ask where Condoleeza Rice's first name came from. Neither her Uncle Ben nor her less successful sister, Apartmentaleeza, knew. 2) Judging by their knives, I'm thinking the Swiss Army are mostly bartenders. 3) Yes, your honor, I did, but in my defense she was screaming loudly and I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish. I washed it right off. 4) I politely asked a woman on my flight if she could put her screaming kid in the overhead compartment and she looked at me like I was crazy or something. 5) I'll bet Egyptians thought, "Nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do" and then came the Internet.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 8th: Today is going to be like most days, certainly in terms of its length and the frequency of sun-rises to sun-sets. Lunchtime is the best time of day for you today. All your problems cannot be solved by putting them in one basket full of eggs. That doesn't sound right, let me re-check the tarot cards.....

Birthdays: Harvey Williams Cushing, neurosurgeon 1869, Mary Pickford, actress 1893, Sonja Henie, skater 1912, Betty Ford, former First Lady 1918, Kofi Annan, Ghanaian diplomat, secretary-general of the United Nations (1997–), 1938, John Havlicek, basketball 1940, Michael Bennett, choreographer 1943, Barbara Kingsolver, writer 1955, Patricia Arquette, actress 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A girl from North Carolina and a girl from California were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from North Carolina, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya'll from?"

The California girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from North Carolina, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from....Bitch?"

The Red Cross knocked on my door and asked if I could contribute towards some new causes including the fires and destruction in Ferguson. Missouri and the droughts in Pakistan and California. I said I'd love to, but my garden hose only reaches the driveway.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: At a parent-teacher meeting in Kansas City, a teacher asked a mother how to pronounce her child's name, "Le-a." The teacher guessed, "Leah"? The mother answered, "No." The teacher tried, "Lee - A?" The mother replied, "Nope." The teacher continued, "Lay - a?" Again, the mother said, "No!"

The mother becomes irate because everyone is getting her child's name wrong. She finally says, "It's pronounced 'Ledasha'.". When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

So, if you see something come across your desk like this, please remember to pronounce the dash. If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

There are reasons why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends.

When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em. When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will.....!

That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, getting older is like a walk in the park.....where no one picks up after the dogs. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Don't Jump To Conclusions

People react to unproven actions and after remarks like "But we have to pass the bill so you can find out what is in it, away from the fog of the controversy" and "If you want your health insurance, you can keep your health insurance", you'd think they would learn.

The city of Ferguson, Missouri, after riots, looting and fires, is now a complete disaster after the now disproven, "Hands up! Don't Shoot" stories were revealed to be false. 

Rolling Stone is the latest to retract and issued an apology for, a November 2014 article that detailed allegations about a gang rape at the University of Virginia. You'd think people would learn, wouldn't you.....

One of the great things about the day after Easter is that Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs go on sale. Second only to Ghiradelli dark chocolate, I stock up on sale day.

I was surprised that Fox's Chris Wallace would make a remark about singer Kelly Clarkson's weight problem. It was really uncalled for and none of his business. He has since apologized but it's hard to stop a bullet once it's fired. Nevertheless, the media has responded negatively.

While it's always impolite to bring up another person's personal problems, in actuality, the remark was not quite as bad as the media has made it

While a guest on the "The Mike Gallagher Show", the two men were talking about fat-shaming and soon enough the host brought up Clarkson's name. Gallagher said, "Have you seen Kelly Clarkson? You know the singer, Kelly Clarkson? Holy cow, did she blow up."

Wallace looked as if he was defending the artist by replying, "Really? Do we want to talk about some of your friends? Kelly Clarkson's got a lovely voice." But, unfortunately he added, "She could stay off the deep dish pizza for a little while." Inappropriate and Wallace should have known better.

The News As I See It: After months of negotiations, Iran has finally agreed to reduce its nuclear weapons program. Which was great until Putin showed up and said, “Hi, I’m here about Craigslist ad for nukes." Iran said it will give up trying to make a nuclear weapon. But it got awkward when Iran said, "But just for Lent. We’ll start again on Monday."

Kids in Washington, D.C. had the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs. They also found about 10,000 missing Hillary emails.

It's nearing that time of year to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids!... I meant my kids.

According to a new survey, almost half of the voters in Ohio, Florida, and Pennsylvania say that they do not trust Hillary Clinton. Republicans immediately got together and said, "OK, this is a huge opportunity for us. How are we going to screw it up?"

This Date In History: 1830; Joseph Smith and five others organized the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Fayette, New York. 1862; The Battle of Shiloh in the American Civil War began. 1896; First modern Olympic Games opened in Athens, Greece.

1909; Robert Peary and Matthew Henson became the first to reach the North Pole. 1917; U.S. declared war on Germany and entered World War I. 1994; The presidents of Rwanda and Burundi were killed in a plane crash.

Picture Of The Day: Lonely.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Even if I’m mad at my girlfriend, I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not. 2) I got in touch with my inner child today and the little shit hung up on me. 3) At my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was, so I finally told them the dingo ate her. 4) If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side. 5) And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then, he made the earth round and laughed and laughed.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 6th: Don't trust any one who says, "A little birdie told me." Besides the fact that little birdies can't speak, they're renown liars. If for some unknown reason, someone was able to communicate with little birdies, chances are they escaped from a farm.

Birthdays: Raphael Santi, major Italian Renaissance painter 1483, James Mill, philosopher, economist, and historian 1773, Anthony Fokker, aircraft manufacturer 1890, Andre Previn, conductor, composer, and pianist 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"

Hillary Clinton is out walking and she passes a young boy selling puppies. The boy asks, "Would you like to buy a puppy Ma'am?" Hillary says, "No, sorry, but we have a cat already." The enterprising lad says, "But they are Democrat puppies, Ma'am." Clinton smiles, but again declines.

The boy nods and Clinton walks on. The next day, Hillary is walking by the same spot. There again is the boy still trying to sell the puppies. As Clinton walks by she overhears the youth telling the potential customer, "But sir, these are Republican puppies."

Hillary stops and says, "Young man, yesterday you told me those were Democrat puppies and today you are saying they are Republican puppies" The child replies, "Yes Ma'am." Hillary then asks, "Well, if they were Democrat puppies yesterday, how could they be Republican puppies today?" The young man replied, "Well Ma'am, since then, they've opened their eyes."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $1,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather confronts Guido about the missing million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "Okay! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Little Johnny brings his grandfather into class one day to tell the children some of his WWII air force stories. His grandfather said, "The situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. One day, we were deep over enemy territory. I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared." (Several of the children giggle.)

His grandfather continued, "I looked up, and right above me was a Fokker. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another Fokker behind me." (Now, the girls in the auditorium are giggling louder and the boys are starting to laugh).

The teacher stands up and says, "Sir, I think I should point out to the children that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company that manufactured the fighter." Johnny's grandfather replied, "That's true, but these Fokkers were flying Messerschmidt's."

That's it for today, my little candy kisses. Remember, teach a child to be polite and courteous and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway. 

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Happy Easter

The appearance of multi-colored eggs all over America in April was baffling experts until the recent discovery of a species referred to as the Easter Chicken (Latin: Chickus Easterus), a species long believed to exist but never actually seen.

The Easter Chicken is believed to be a mutant breed of two classes of chicken referred to as "Chickus Kay Eff See Us" and "Chickus Perdueus."

It seems that the Easter Chicken is capable of laying thousands of multi-colored eggs per day but only lays its eggs in April. It seeks out wicker baskets and is especially fond of multi-colored Easter grass in which to lay its eggs.

Once the month of April is over, the Easter Chicken spends the rest of the year sitting in a solution of Preparation H.

The growth of the Easter Chicken population came into being after being accidentally discovered by Al "Have Podium Will Travel" Sharpton while it was laying an egg in the new green growth of an Obama Chia Pet.

Sharpton, ignorant of the species and ignorant in general, quickly fired up his skillet, tossed in some lard and was ready for some finger lickin' fried chicken when he was stopped by science investigators.

During the ensuing melee, the Easter Chicken escaped and propagated. It is believed that the Easter Chicken will be laying it's eggs all across America this weekend.

The News As I See It: Easter Sunday is the day that people who have not seen the inside of the church since the previous Easter are present and all decked out in their Easter finery. The lucky part of the Easter services for the once a year visitors is that the preacher doesn't say anything about their lack of attendance and the roof doesn't cave in on them.

Obama and Michelle are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, "While you're there, pick up your birth certificate."

It’s being reported that Kim Kardashian may be pregnant. Either that or she was standing backwards.

For the first time, a vegan gluten-free bakery has opened at Disney World. The place is called "It's a Sad World After All."

A 95-year-old-man has officially become the world's oldest pilot. He's also become the first pilot to fly at 25 miles per hour.

The world's oldest person passed away. Now the title of oldest person alive belongs to Gertrude Weaver, a 116-year-old woman from Arkansas. Not only is Gertrude the oldest woman in the world, she is the only woman in the world still named Gertrude.

This Date In History: 1860; First pony express service began. 1882; Outlaw Jesse James was shot in the back by Bob Ford, one of his own gang members, reportedly for a $10,000 reward. 1930; Ras Tafari became Emperor Haile Selassie of Ethiopia.

1936; Bruno Hauptmann was electrocuted for the kidnapping and murder of the Lindbergh baby. 1948; President Truman signed the Marshall Plan, which would foster the recovery of war-torn Europe.

1974; "Super Tornado Outbreak" strikes 13 U.S. states. 1996; U.S. commerce secretary Ronald Brown died in plane crash in Croatia. 1996; Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski was arrested. 2004; A suspect in Madrid's March bombings blew up himself and three others

2004; 14-year-old soccer star Freddy Adu became the youngest player in an American professional sport in over a century.

Picture Of The Day: The Easter Bunny, a known cohort of the Easter Chicken, usually takes the credit for the colored eggs, but as we all know, bunnies don't lay eggs, they create chocolate for eggs and bunnies.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. 2) Don't you just love it when you find out that your Ex got fat? 3) (Indian warrior to son): Well, we named all you children after the first thing we saw after they were conceived. But tell me, Two Dogs Screwing, why do you ask?" 4) I'm pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons. 5) I miss the old days when I could say I wasn't around and you couldn't check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying.....and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: As my car spun uncontrollably through a crowd of people, my Korean friend screamed, "Hit The Blakes !" I screamed, "I Can't Be That Selective !"

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 3rd: The countries that have issued orders for your arrest will close in today and cause you to go without clean pants for two days. Most of this prognostication comes direct from the spirits that guide me through your horoscope. Kissing horses in an otherwise empty paddock is fair game today.

Birthdays: Washington Irving, American author and diplomat 1783, Mary Carpenter, educator 1807, William Marcy Tweed, politician 1823, Henry Robinson Luce, publisher 1898, Marlon Brando, actor 1924, Virgil "Gus" Grissom, astronaut 1926, Jane Goodall, ethnologist 1934, Eddie Murphy, actor 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. The man explained, "I feel terrible! I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little. "Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but how's your health?" The old man answers, "It's okay. I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life."

The old woman says, "Well, I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself. How are you fixed financially?" The old man said, "So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you. I can support myself."

The little old lady blushes and finally asks him,"And how's your sex life...." The old man replies, "Infrequently." The widow ponders this for a moment or so, then asks, "And is that one word or two?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Linda In Washington State for her contribution to today's stories.

Two Mexicans are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Lafayette. Louisiana. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if they could fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling. They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way.

Wanting to make up time the trucker speeds up. Sure enough a blond cop pulls him over for speeding. The officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs."

The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so she takes a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and shocked, quickly shuts it and locks it. She calls for immediate backup from headquarters, the Border Patrol and the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers. She said, "I just stopped a tractor-trailer with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two of them have hatched and they've already stolen a bicycle."

A man was walking by the Job Center in downtown Toronto and saw a sign advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist."

The clerk continued, "You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions. Then, apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair. Finally. you rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is 84,000 and you'll have to go to Winnipeg."

The man said, "Good grief, it gets so cold there at this time of the year. Is that where the job is?" The clerk replied, "No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."

That's it for today, my little Easter Bunnies. Remember those movie scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table, then throws a woman on top and does her? I did that once with a pizza. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Happy April (Obama And Congress) Day

TheThreeBiggestLies.Com has petitioned the courts to be excluded from April Fool's Day pranks. The website argues that the pranks interfere with it's intent making lie #3 useless and obstructing the outcome.

On a similar note, clothier Joseph A. Banks has taken out a full page ad in the major newspapers declaring that their every day sale of buy one suit, get three free in not an April Fool's Day prank.

And finally, tonight Obama will address the nation to explain why his supposed transparent administration and habitual lies should not be compared to April Fool's Day.

The News As I See It: The only thing lower than Harry Reid  is whale shit and that's only because Harry can't dive as deep as a whale can. In a CNN interview, Reid said he does not regret accusing then-presidential candidate Mitt Romney of not paying taxes - a claim that has since been proven to be untrue. Reid says he will not seek re-election. Harry said he wants to spend more time with his family. If I could give him some advice, Harry, check with your family before making rash moves.

There are reports that Obama and his family may move to New York City after his term is over. Unfortunately, the city is so expensive, he's looking for another ex-president to be roommates with. Apparently, the Obamas chose New York City because they've gotten so used to people trying to break into their house.

The Hillary Clinton email scandal continues to grow. Hillary has erased all of her emails, and, taking note from the Bill and Monica scandal, she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.

Of the 57 states, the only state that Obama has not visited while in office is South Dakota. Residents of South Dakota said they're looking forward to Obama or any black person visiting soon.

Nigeria just held their election and their incumbent president, whose actual name is Goodluck Jonathan, lost the race. He was beaten by his rival, Betterluck Jonathan.

Al Gore turned 67-years-old this week. 67 candles on his cake. Now, there's your global warming.

This Date In History: 1789; Frederick Muhlenberg of Pennsylvania was elected the first Speaker of the House of Representatives. 1933; The Nazi persecution of Jews began in Germany with a boycott of Jewish businesses.

1945; American forces landed on Okinawa during World War II. 1960 The first U.S. weather satellite, TIROS-1, was launched from Cape Canaveral. 1970; President Nixon signed a bill into law banning cigarette ads from radio and television.

1976; Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs founded Apple Computer. 1979 ;Ayatollah Khomeini proclaimed the establishment of the Islamic Republic of Iran. 2001; Former Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic arrested on corruption charges.

2003; Pvt. Jessica Lynch was rescued by U.S. commandos in a raid on an Iraqi hospital. 2004; President Bush signed the "Laci Peterson" bill making it a separate federal crime to harm a fetus during an attack on the mother.

Picture Of The Day: Go Nancy Go !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'd love to have a sex change, preferably from "none" to "shitloads". 2) Watching the Obama propaganda machine in motion, I realized that both Obama and the average octopus spend two thirds of their lives rolling up their sleeves. 3) I'm ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there. 4) My girlfriend would get lost less frequently if her GPS would say, "No, your other left."  5) Condoms cannot guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 1st: Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, a man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic table.

Birthdays: William Harvey, physician 1578, Otto von Bismarck,  statesman 1815, James Fisk, financial speculator 1834, Edmond Rostand, poet 1868, Toshiro Mifune, actor 1920, Milan Kundera, writer 1929, Debbie Reynolds, singer, dancer, actress 1932.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man was on a plane waiting to take off when he noticed a beautiful woman coming down the aisle towards him. His heart raced when she took the vacant seat beside him.

Nervously, he said hello and the woman told him she was going to Las Vegas to a nymphomaniac convention. She said, "I'm a lecturer and I'm going to debunk a few misconceptions of sexual behavior."

The man said, " Really? What kind of myths?" She said, "Everyone thinks that African men are the most endowed, when in fact, it's the Native Americans who have that distinction."

She continued, "People think that Frenchmen are the best lovers and it's really Jewish men who are the best. I also discovered that Southern Rednecks have the best stamina.".

Suddenly, the woman became uncomfortable. She said, " I'm sorry, I shouldn't be telling you all this. I don't even know your name." The man answered, "Tonto,...Tonto Lipschitz, but my friends call me 'Bubba'!"

Today, from somewhere in the Middle East, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohamed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action is taken against Iran or Syria, Taliban authorities will cut off America's and Canada's only supply of convenience store managers.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Mike for his contribution to today's story

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: "My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home."
Sergeant: "What is her height?"
Husband: "Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat."
Sergeant: "Color of eyes?"
Husband: "Never noticed."
Sergeant: "Color of hair?"
Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: "What was she wearing?"
Husband: "Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember."
Sergeant: "What kind of car did she go in?"
Husband: "She went in my truck."
Sergeant: "What kind of truck was it?"
Husband:" Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine specially ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation. 40-channel CB radio. Six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door.

At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: "Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck!"

A couple of women moved in to a home on a quiet street. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.

Maude and Thelma, two old spinsters, are watching from the front porch swing across the street when Maude says to Thelma, "These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?"

Obama walks into a New York bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool ! Where did you get it?" The frog answers, "In Chicago, there's thousands of them up there."

That's it for today, my little peeps. Remember, a chicken coop always has two doors. If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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