Friday, April 3, 2015

Happy Easter

The appearance of multi-colored eggs all over America in April was baffling experts until the recent discovery of a species referred to as the Easter Chicken (Latin: Chickus Easterus), a species long believed to exist but never actually seen.

The Easter Chicken is believed to be a mutant breed of two classes of chicken referred to as "Chickus Kay Eff See Us" and "Chickus Perdueus."

It seems that the Easter Chicken is capable of laying thousands of multi-colored eggs per day but only lays its eggs in April. It seeks out wicker baskets and is especially fond of multi-colored Easter grass in which to lay its eggs.

Once the month of April is over, the Easter Chicken spends the rest of the year sitting in a solution of Preparation H.

The growth of the Easter Chicken population came into being after being accidentally discovered by Al "Have Podium Will Travel" Sharpton while it was laying an egg in the new green growth of an Obama Chia Pet.

Sharpton, ignorant of the species and ignorant in general, quickly fired up his skillet, tossed in some lard and was ready for some finger lickin' fried chicken when he was stopped by science investigators.

During the ensuing melee, the Easter Chicken escaped and propagated. It is believed that the Easter Chicken will be laying it's eggs all across America this weekend.

The News As I See It: Easter Sunday is the day that people who have not seen the inside of the church since the previous Easter are present and all decked out in their Easter finery. The lucky part of the Easter services for the once a year visitors is that the preacher doesn't say anything about their lack of attendance and the roof doesn't cave in on them.

Obama and Michelle are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, "While you're there, pick up your birth certificate."

It’s being reported that Kim Kardashian may be pregnant. Either that or she was standing backwards.

For the first time, a vegan gluten-free bakery has opened at Disney World. The place is called "It's a Sad World After All."

A 95-year-old-man has officially become the world's oldest pilot. He's also become the first pilot to fly at 25 miles per hour.

The world's oldest person passed away. Now the title of oldest person alive belongs to Gertrude Weaver, a 116-year-old woman from Arkansas. Not only is Gertrude the oldest woman in the world, she is the only woman in the world still named Gertrude.

This Date In History: 1860; First pony express service began. 1882; Outlaw Jesse James was shot in the back by Bob Ford, one of his own gang members, reportedly for a $10,000 reward. 1930; Ras Tafari became Emperor Haile Selassie of Ethiopia.

1936; Bruno Hauptmann was electrocuted for the kidnapping and murder of the Lindbergh baby. 1948; President Truman signed the Marshall Plan, which would foster the recovery of war-torn Europe.

1974; "Super Tornado Outbreak" strikes 13 U.S. states. 1996; U.S. commerce secretary Ronald Brown died in plane crash in Croatia. 1996; Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski was arrested. 2004; A suspect in Madrid's March bombings blew up himself and three others

2004; 14-year-old soccer star Freddy Adu became the youngest player in an American professional sport in over a century.

Picture Of The Day: The Easter Bunny, a known cohort of the Easter Chicken, usually takes the credit for the colored eggs, but as we all know, bunnies don't lay eggs, they create chocolate for eggs and bunnies.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. 2) Don't you just love it when you find out that your Ex got fat? 3) (Indian warrior to son): Well, we named all you children after the first thing we saw after they were conceived. But tell me, Two Dogs Screwing, why do you ask?" 4) I'm pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons. 5) I miss the old days when I could say I wasn't around and you couldn't check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying.....and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: As my car spun uncontrollably through a crowd of people, my Korean friend screamed, "Hit The Blakes !" I screamed, "I Can't Be That Selective !"

Today's HoroscopeAries - April 3rd: The countries that have issued orders for your arrest will close in today and cause you to go without clean pants for two days. Most of this prognostication comes direct from the spirits that guide me through your horoscope. Kissing horses in an otherwise empty paddock is fair game today.

Birthdays: Washington Irving, American author and diplomat 1783, Mary Carpenter, educator 1807, William Marcy Tweed, politician 1823, Henry Robinson Luce, publisher 1898, Marlon Brando, actor 1924, Virgil "Gus" Grissom, astronaut 1926, Jane Goodall, ethnologist 1934, Eddie Murphy, actor 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. The man explained, "I feel terrible! I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little. "Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but how's your health?" The old man answers, "It's okay. I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life."

The old woman says, "Well, I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself. How are you fixed financially?" The old man said, "So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you. I can support myself."

The little old lady blushes and finally asks him,"And how's your sex life...." The old man replies, "Infrequently." The widow ponders this for a moment or so, then asks, "And is that one word or two?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Linda In Washington State for her contribution to today's stories.

Two Mexicans are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Lafayette. Louisiana. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if they could fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling. They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way.

Wanting to make up time the trucker speeds up. Sure enough a blond cop pulls him over for speeding. The officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs."

The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so she takes a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and shocked, quickly shuts it and locks it. She calls for immediate backup from headquarters, the Border Patrol and the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers. She said, "I just stopped a tractor-trailer with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two of them have hatched and they've already stolen a bicycle."

A man was walking by the Job Center in downtown Toronto and saw a sign advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist."

The clerk continued, "You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions. Then, apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair. Finally. you rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is 84,000 and you'll have to go to Winnipeg."

The man said, "Good grief, it gets so cold there at this time of the year. Is that where the job is?" The clerk replied, "No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."

That's it for today, my little Easter Bunnies. Remember those movie scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table, then throws a woman on top and does her? I did that once with a pizza. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Happy Easter! Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

Good lines : Hit the Blakes and flying at 25mph, I did smile.
Thanks for the laughs and education. I did not know that about Sharpton the the EAster chicken!
Have a great week end!