Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Happy April (Obama And Congress) Day

TheThreeBiggestLies.Com has petitioned the courts to be excluded from April Fool's Day pranks. The website argues that the pranks interfere with it's intent making lie #3 useless and obstructing the outcome.

On a similar note, clothier Joseph A. Banks has taken out a full page ad in the major newspapers declaring that their every day sale of buy one suit, get three free in not an April Fool's Day prank.

And finally, tonight Obama will address the nation to explain why his supposed transparent administration and habitual lies should not be compared to April Fool's Day.

The News As I See It: The only thing lower than Harry Reid  is whale shit and that's only because Harry can't dive as deep as a whale can. In a CNN interview, Reid said he does not regret accusing then-presidential candidate Mitt Romney of not paying taxes - a claim that has since been proven to be untrue. Reid says he will not seek re-election. Harry said he wants to spend more time with his family. If I could give him some advice, Harry, check with your family before making rash moves.

There are reports that Obama and his family may move to New York City after his term is over. Unfortunately, the city is so expensive, he's looking for another ex-president to be roommates with. Apparently, the Obamas chose New York City because they've gotten so used to people trying to break into their house.

The Hillary Clinton email scandal continues to grow. Hillary has erased all of her emails, and, taking note from the Bill and Monica scandal, she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.

Of the 57 states, the only state that Obama has not visited while in office is South Dakota. Residents of South Dakota said they're looking forward to Obama or any black person visiting soon.

Nigeria just held their election and their incumbent president, whose actual name is Goodluck Jonathan, lost the race. He was beaten by his rival, Betterluck Jonathan.

Al Gore turned 67-years-old this week. 67 candles on his cake. Now, there's your global warming.

This Date In History: 1789; Frederick Muhlenberg of Pennsylvania was elected the first Speaker of the House of Representatives. 1933; The Nazi persecution of Jews began in Germany with a boycott of Jewish businesses.

1945; American forces landed on Okinawa during World War II. 1960 The first U.S. weather satellite, TIROS-1, was launched from Cape Canaveral. 1970; President Nixon signed a bill into law banning cigarette ads from radio and television.

1976; Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs founded Apple Computer. 1979 ;Ayatollah Khomeini proclaimed the establishment of the Islamic Republic of Iran. 2001; Former Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic arrested on corruption charges.

2003; Pvt. Jessica Lynch was rescued by U.S. commandos in a raid on an Iraqi hospital. 2004; President Bush signed the "Laci Peterson" bill making it a separate federal crime to harm a fetus during an attack on the mother.

Picture Of The Day: Go Nancy Go !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'd love to have a sex change, preferably from "none" to "shitloads". 2) Watching the Obama propaganda machine in motion, I realized that both Obama and the average octopus spend two thirds of their lives rolling up their sleeves. 3) I'm ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there. 4) My girlfriend would get lost less frequently if her GPS would say, "No, your other left."  5) Condoms cannot guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAries - April 1st: Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, a man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic table.

Birthdays: William Harvey, physician 1578, Otto von Bismarck,  statesman 1815, James Fisk, financial speculator 1834, Edmond Rostand, poet 1868, Toshiro Mifune, actor 1920, Milan Kundera, writer 1929, Debbie Reynolds, singer, dancer, actress 1932.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man was on a plane waiting to take off when he noticed a beautiful woman coming down the aisle towards him. His heart raced when she took the vacant seat beside him.

Nervously, he said hello and the woman told him she was going to Las Vegas to a nymphomaniac convention. She said, "I'm a lecturer and I'm going to debunk a few misconceptions of sexual behavior."

The man said, " Really? What kind of myths?" She said, "Everyone thinks that African men are the most endowed, when in fact, it's the Native Americans who have that distinction."

She continued, "People think that Frenchmen are the best lovers and it's really Jewish men who are the best. I also discovered that Southern Rednecks have the best stamina.".

Suddenly, the woman became uncomfortable. She said, " I'm sorry, I shouldn't be telling you all this. I don't even know your name." The man answered, "Tonto,...Tonto Lipschitz, but my friends call me 'Bubba'!"

Today, from somewhere in the Middle East, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohamed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action is taken against Iran or Syria, Taliban authorities will cut off America's and Canada's only supply of convenience store managers.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Mike for his contribution to today's story

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: "My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home."
Sergeant: "What is her height?"
Husband: "Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat."
Sergeant: "Color of eyes?"
Husband: "Never noticed."
Sergeant: "Color of hair?"
Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: "What was she wearing?"
Husband: "Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember."
Sergeant: "What kind of car did she go in?"
Husband: "She went in my truck."
Sergeant: "What kind of truck was it?"
Husband:" Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine specially ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation. 40-channel CB radio. Six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door.

At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: "Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck!"

A couple of women moved in to a home on a quiet street. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.

Maude and Thelma, two old spinsters, are watching from the front porch swing across the street when Maude says to Thelma, "These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?"

Obama walks into a New York bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool ! Where did you get it?" The frog answers, "In Chicago, there's thousands of them up there."

That's it for today, my little peeps. Remember, a chicken coop always has two doors. If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

Okay, I like the Chicken Coupe thing.
Enjoyed the read, still trying to decide if Pelosi is a forever April fools joke or just OURS!

I think for sure the Bieber guy becoming a genius is an April Fools Joke, a for ever one.
From North CArolina.