14 Dead, 17 Wounded In California Shooting

More than 14 people were killed and 17 others were wounded today in a mass shooting in San Bernadino. As of 8 pm (EST), police have stopped the vehicle and two of the suspects are dead. A third suspect is still unaccounted for.

The dark colored SUV was stopped by police and a barrage of bullets blew out all the windows in the vehicle, killing two of the three suspects. The vehicle was stopped about a mile from the original crime scene.

One of the suspects is believed to have been in the original meeting where the shootings occurred and left angrily.

One shooter is dead on the street and the other shooter is dead in the SUV

Obama, as usual and without any solid information as to the details of the mass shooting, immediately responded, "We should never think that this is something that just happens in the ordinary course of events, because it doesn't happen with the same frequency in other countries."

This is true unless you count the two mass shootings in France this year, among others. Obama is quick on the draw when it comes to gun control with the exception of his hometown of Chicago, the murder capital of the world.
 

As a public service, Jimmy's Journal would like to explain how to understand and resolve the problems with the federal debt ceiling.

Let's say you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood. Your home has sewage all the way up to your ceiling. What do you think you should do?

Raise the ceiling or pump out the shit? Your choice is coming next November.

The News As I See It: It cracks me up when people say, "If Trump becomes president, I'm leaving the country." No you won't. Delta doesn't take EBT cards.

This Date In History: 1804; Napoleon Bonaparte was crowned emperor of France in Paris by Pope Pius VII. 1823; President James Monroe outlined his famous doctrine opposing European expansion in the Western Hemisphere.

1859; Abolitionist John Brown was hanged for his raid on Harper's Ferry. 1942; The first controlled nuclear chain reaction was demonstrated at the University of Chicago.

1954; The Senate voted to condemn Republican senator Joseph R. McCarthy of Wisconsin for "conduct that tends to bring the Senate into dishonor and disrepute." 1970; The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) was established.

1982; Barney B. Clark became the first person to receive an artificial heart in a transplant operation. 1988; Benazir Bhutto was sworn in as the Prime Minister of Pakistan, becoming the first woman to head an Muslim nation.

1990; Composer Aaron Copland died at age 90. 1999; A Protestant and Catholic cabinet convened for the first time in Northern Ireland. 2001; Enron Corp., under CEO Kenneth Lay, filed for bankruptcy.

Picture Of The Day: Swat teams surge to the area.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years. 2) Did you know that deer live an average of 15 years in the wild, but can live up to 87 in a condominium? 3) Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car. 4) Whenever I get a "Final Notice" letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction. 5) My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except for one song.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 2nd: When taking out the trash, remember that blood stains don't easily wash out of white shirts. Wake up in a trash-can again? Don't let your drinking get you down. Go out and have a beer.

Birthdays: Maria Callas, soprano 1923, Alexander Haig, general 1924, Julie Harris, actress 1925, Gianni Versace, fashion designer 1946, Lucy Liu, actress, model 1968, Monica Seles, tennis player 1973, Nelly Furtado, singer 1978, Britney Spears, pop singer 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns?"

The other man said, "Do you mean a rose?" The man said, "Yes, that's the one." He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. Johnny said, "Why do you do that, mommy?" His mother replied, "To make myself beautiful."

His mother then began removing the cream with a tissue. Little Johnny said, "What's the matter? Giving up?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Skip for his contribution to today's stories.

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem. How to carry his entire purchases home.

The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" The biker said, "Hey, thanks!" and out the door he went.

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane. The biker said, "As a matter of fact, I live on Mockingbird Lane. We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time".

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smoke, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

He found a Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a "Vote for Obama" hat and a "Save the Trees" shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 800-pound grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing "Go Trump" shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest.

The two men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Four of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while another placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him and proclaimed, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions! I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was the guy in the beanie?" Another replied, "Dude, that was the Pope. He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

The logger said, "Well, he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know shit about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Chicago and get another one?"

That's it for today, my little elves. Remember, marriage is betting someone half of your stuff that you'll love them forever. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Hialeah Speedway 10th Reunion

Saturday night was full of fond memories as I attended the Hialeah Speedway 10th Reunion with my pal and Hall of Fame inductee Skip Gibson. It was great to see Nascar greats Bobby and Donnie Allison along with many past champions and racers.

For those of you who do not follow Nascar Racing, Donnie Allison and brother Bobby are the featured pugilists in a fight that occurred on the last lap of the 1979 Daytona 500.

Donnie was leading on the final lap when Cale Yarborough dropped low in an attempt to "slingshot" past Donnie. Naturally, Donnie tried to block him, the cars got together and wrecked, allowing Richard Petty to go by and win the race.

Afterwards, Donnie and Cale had words and Cale got into a fight with Bobby, who had pulled up to make sure Donnie was ok. The melee was on and later, Bobby was interviewed about the fight. Bobby said, "Cale balled up his face and hit me right in the fist with it."

The Hialeah Speedway Reunion was a collage of old friends many of whom I have known since the fifties. In particular, it was great to see former modified champions Bobby Brack and Pee Wee Griffin, along with racers Marty Handshaw, Buck Gibbs, Teddy Barnwell, Buddy Ryan, Robert Hamke and so many racing greats from the past.

Hall of Fame inductees Dan O'Connell (L) and my pal Skip Gibson.

I would be remiss if I was not to mention the many ladies who also attended including Pat Allison, Judy Allison, Patricia Brack, Joyce Handshaw, Janet Little, Frances Mills, and of course, Dianne Gibson.

It would be virtually impossible for me to name everyone who attended as I knew and/or have seen almost everyone in attendance. I apologize to those that I overlooked.

It was especially great to see my old friend Richard Bowser, along with Kenny and Donald Economy, Bruce Allen Griffin, his brother Butch Griffin and emcee Steven Brack.

(L-R) Bobby Allison, Robert Hamke and Donnie Allison

Kudos to the people who worked hard to put this event together. They did a fine job.

I wish I would have gotten more pictures but between shooting the bull with old friends and the fact that my camera is harder to figure out after three drinks prevented any chance of that happening.
   

Hall of Fame champion Bobby Brack (L) and Alan Carter, accepting the Hall of Fame induction for his father, champion racer Alan "Rags" Carter. 

The News As I See It: I continue to hear Barry Obama mention the 65 nation coalition against ISIS. I certainly would like to see a list of these nations.

This Date In History: 1804; Supreme Court Justice Samuel Chase was tried for political bias. 1900; Irish author Oscar Wilde died in Paris at age 46. 1940; Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz were married. 1966; Barbados became independent of Great Britain.

1974; The fossilized remains of a female human ancestor named Lucy (after the Beatles song Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds) were found in Ethiopia. 1993; The Brady Bill, requiring a five-day waiting period for handgun purchases, is signed.

1995; President Bill Clinton became the first U.S. president to visit Northern Ireland. 2004; Ken Jennings ended his 74-game winning spree on the game show, Jeopardy!

Picture Of The Day: My long time pal and Hall of Fame inductee, Skip Gibson

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I can never tell if a mother duck is being dutifully followed by her ducklings or chased by a gang of young duck thugs. 2) I was considering remarrying the woman I divorced many years ago, but she said I was only after my money. 3) I asked my pharmacist to cut my Viagra pills into four quarters. He said he could do it, but 1/4 of a pill would not work. I told him, "That's ok. I just need enough so I that don't pee on my shoes." 4) Unsure about birth control? Watch my kids for 10 minutes.  5) I like to sit next to a stranger on a park bench, hand over an envelope with a random person's picture, whisper "It has to look like an accident" and walk away..... and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 30th: Google is about to take over your life - play responsibly. Your lucky horse for today is Sombrero's Lid. I'm told he's a sure thing, but I've been told that before. Just bet $2 across the board.

Some people seem to take the question "how stupid can you be?" as a personal challenge. Avoid that pitfall. As a matter of fact, avoid all pitfalls.

Birthdays: Jonathan Swift, author 1667, Mark Twain, writer, social observer 1835, Winston Churchill, British Statesman, Soldier, and Author  1874, L. M. Montgomery, novelist 1874, Gordon Parks, photographer, filmmaker, writer 1912, Shirley Chisholm, congresswoman 1924, Dick Clark, TV personality 1929, Ridley Scott, filmmaker 1937, David Mamet, playwright 1947, Ben Stiller, actor, director, comic 1965, Elisha Cuthbert, actor 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. The counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age.

The old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"

A student nurse found an elderly gentleman dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. Since hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged, she brought the man a wheelchair. although he insisted he didn't any help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the student nurse wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, she asked him if his wife was meeting him. He answered, "I don't know. She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

(L-R) Racing champions Pee Wee Griffin, Bobby Allison, Miss Hialeah Speedway (?) and Donnie Allison

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks, "Who here has seen a ghost?" Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks, "Who here has spoken with a ghost?" Half the audience puts up their hands.

He says, "Who here has touched a ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands. The psychiatrist then asks, "And who here has made love with a ghost?"

One little man in the back row puts up his hand. The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says, "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?" The man replies, "Oh no! I'm sorry, I thought you said 'goat'."

In May of this year, police in Detroit announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin.

They also found 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave.

Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said, "We're all shocked! We never knew we had a library."

That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, what doesn't kill you, forces me to reload.

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More on Wednesday.

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The Day After.....

The popular myth that eating turkey makes you sleepy is untrue. Turkey isn't any more sleep-inducing than other foods. In fact, consuming large amounts of carbohydrates and alcohol may be the real cause of a post-Thanksgiving-meal snooze.

Turkey does contain the amino acid tryptophan, which forms the basis of brain chemicals that make people tired. But, the fact is that turkey contains less trytophan than most poultry. 

Black Friday was been a piece of cake today. After checking my finances, I immediately set out this morning and found no lines at the gas station, 7-11 or Publix. I was so emboldened by the lack of crowds and lines, I almost headed over to the dollar store, but I quickly came to my senses and decided to call it a day.

The Center for Disease Control has warned that although the Swine Flu is prevalent, the Bird Flu is rampant as well. Symptoms of Bird Flu are: 1) High fever 2) Congestion 3) Nausea 4) Fatigue 5) Aching in the joints 6) An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.

The News As I See It: In a recent interview, Ben Carson said that Thomas Jefferson wrote the U.S. Constitution, when he actually wrote the Declaration of Independence. Or as Carson's campaign staff put it, "Close enough!"

This Date In History: 1852; Lord Byron's daughter Ada died. She had assisted Charles Babbage with his "analytical engine" and is credited with inventing computer language. 1895; Alfred Nobel signed his last will, which established the Nobel Prize.

1910; New York's Pennsylvania Station opened. 1953; Playwright Eugene O'Neill died in Boston at age 65. 1970; Pope Paul VI was attacked at the Manila airport by a Bolivian painter disguised as a priest.

1973; Gerald R. Ford was confirmed by the Senate to become vice president, succeeding Spiro T. Agnew. 2003; President Bush secretly flew to Iraq to spend Thanksgiving with the troops.

Picture Of The Day: There's no way I would put up with that without an AK-47.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friends named their dog Carpenter, because he did little odd jobs around the house. 2) There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves. 3) Remember to refrain from talking to characters on the movie screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. 4) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. I don't remember who wrote that. 5) Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady, I always hand her a card that states: "A mild sense of nausea is perfectly normal.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 27th: Deja vu is not a Thai dish that you had two weeks ago. Changing your love life can be done with pies, tarts and unleavened bread. However, I find that it's easier to forget eating that crap and go out and find love in the bars that you usually frequent.

Birthdays: Anders Celsius astronomer 1701, Charles A. Beard historian 1874, Chaim Weizmann scientist and Zionist leader 1874, James Agee writer 1909, Alexander Dubček statesman 1921, Alexander Haig, American General, Secretary of State 1924, Bruce Lee martial-arts actor 1940, Jimi Hendrix rock musician, guitarist 1942, Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg writer 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane 12! Tampax supersize!"

Somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "thumbtacks." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom asking, "Do you want the kind that you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

A drunk is sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful woman sits down next to him. The drunk, seeing opportunity buys the women a beer and proceeds to hit on her.

Then, he asks her, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?" The woman looks at him and says, "For a million dollars, sure!"

The drunk then asks, "Would you sleep with me for 20 dollars?" The woman is instantly upset and yells, "Twenty dollars, what do you think I am some kind of whore?!"

The drunk then looks at her and says, "We have already established that fact, madam. Now we're just haggling over the price."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about."

Ethel continued, "Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?" Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

That's it for today, my little guppies. Remember, a study found that women have better memories than men. Also, a study found that women have better memories than men. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

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Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Day is tomorrow and I thank the armed forces members who defend this nation and the police and firefighters who are there for us in the time of emergencies. Take the time to thank a soldier, firefighter or policeman who work on Thanksgiving.

I wish all my readers and friends a very Happy Thanksgiving in this time of sharing.

The News As I See It: This Thanksgiving I'm feeling a little betrayed because it has just been revealed that the grocery store labels on the turkey mean very little. Fresh, young, natural....... Meaningless!

Apparently fresh turkey just means it's not fully frozen. Young turkey means they weren't allowed to die of old age and wild turkey means you're too drunk to care.

The point is it seems like the only ones you can trust these days are the good people at Butterball. They're all about helping you understand your turkey.

In fact, Butterball's been running a toll-free hotline for turkey-cooking tips since 1981. Every year, the turkey talk line receives more than 100,000 phone calls, but sadly, they have not been able to save one turkey's life.

This Date In History: 1758; The British captured Fort Duquesne (Pittsburgh) in the French and Indian Wars. 1783; The British evacuated New York City, their last military position, after the Revolutionary War.

1841; The slaves who seized the Amistad in 1839 were freed by the Supreme Court. They had been defended by former president John Quincy Adams. 1947; Movie executives blacklisted the "Hollywood Ten." 1986; Iran-Contra scandal broke.

1998; Jiang Zemin became the first Chinese head of state to visit Japan since World War II. 1999; Elian Gonzalez was rescued off the coast of Florida. 2002; President George W. Bush signed into law the Department of Homeland Security and named Tom Ridge as head.

Picture Of The Day: Happy Thanksgiving from my family to yours.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I read an article listing five ways to prevent divorce. "Don't get married" wasn't on there. Neither was "murder." Stupid article..... 2) Back in the day, I went to meet my daughter's kindergarten teacher. Her name was Miss Cox. I wasn't mature enough to handle the situation. 3) Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics. 4) Did you "ask" her or "axe" her? Seriously, because one is murder. 5) I'm single with no kids. I don't answer to anyone. "Meow......meow!" ..... Okay! Okay! I'm opening the tuna now! Please don't shred the toilet paper again!.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 25th: Lifting heavy objects may cause you pain later today. "Head Lice!" is not something to be screamed in terror at the local bus stop. Time and time again you are asked to wait outside the room while the "adults" discuss your situation. Gift horses always happen to those who least expect it.

Birthdays: Andrew Carnegie, industrialist and philanthropist 1835, Carry Moore Nation, temperance advocate 1846, Pope John XXIII, religious leader 1881, Virgil Thomson, composer 1896, Ba Jin, modern novelist 1904, Joseph DiMaggio, professional baseball player 1914, Ricardo Montalban, actor 1920, John Larroquette, actor 1947, John F. Kennedy, Jr. publisher, lawyer 1960, Amy Grant, pop musician 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn’t back off, he asked her name. She replied. "Carmen." The guy said, "That’s a beautiful name. Who named you?" She answered, "I named myself."

The guy said, "That’s interesting. Why Carmen?" Carmen said, "Because I like cars and I like men." Looking directly into his eyes she asked, "So what’s your name?" He replied, "Beertits."

A man walked into a bar and after a couple of drinks, said to the bartender, "I’ve got a great Polish joke."

The bartender glared and warned him, "Before you go telling that joke, I I think you ought to know that I’m Polish, the two bouncers on the door are Polish and most of my customers are Polish."

The man replies, "Okay, I’ll tell it slowly."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the surface over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune....., the store manager sees her and unplugs the electric horse.

Tom bought a new Ford truck. He returned it to the dealer the next day because he couldn't get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

The technician said to the radio, "Nelson." The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" The technician said, "Willie!" and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant, "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

Tom drove away happy and for the next few days, every time he'd say, "Beethoven", he'd get beautiful classical music and if he said, "Beatles", he'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed Tom's new truck, but Tom swerved in time to avoid him. He yelled, "Asshole!" Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."

That's it for today, my little turkey gobblers. Remember, spiders are nature's reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a Happy Thanksgiving and more on Friday.

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Getting Ready For Thanksgiving

I went to Publix today thinking it wouldn't be too crowded. Wrong, turkey breath! It doesn't matter because I celebrate Thanksgiving the old way. I invite my neighbors, have dinner, then put them on reservations and take their land.

Preparing for Thanksgiving has always had a special place in my heart. I can still remember the day I shot my first turkey. It scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section.

Yes, I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving but I won't be cooking. This year I'll be emitting strong hints as to my availability as someone's (anyone's) special guest.

But either way, I'm a survivor and if push comes to shove, I make a mean turkey sandwich......

Congratulations to Kyle Bush on winning the Homestead-Miami 400 and the Sprint Cup Series Championship.   

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton, In an interview with Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan, said that her biggest guilty pleasure is chocolate. Then it got awkward when she winked at Michael Strahan.

Jeb Bush hired a speech coach, and some people say his speeches are starting to get better. Unfortunately, no one can teach him to stop saying "Huacamole."

This Date In History: 1889; The first jukebox was installed at the Palais Royal Saloon in San Francisco. 1936; First issue of Life magazine hit the newsstands. The cover photograph, by Margaret Bourke-White, featured the Fort Peck Dam.

1945; U.S. wartime food rationing, of meat, butter, and other foods, ended. 1971; People's Republic of China was seated at the UN Security Council. 2003; Eduard Shevardnadze resigned as president of Georgia.

Picture Of The Day: The duck looks strangely familiar

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Cell phones have two brightness settings: "Dim" and "The messiah is back." 2) I knew that psychic wasn't credible when she let me write her a check. 3) The easiest way to piss off a vegan is to refer to their choice of diet as an "eating disorder".  4) Apparently sitting here on my new lawn furniture, drinking my vodka and minding my own business is disturbing to other Target guests. 5) "We have nothing to fear but fear itself", said people who have never seen a flying cockroach.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - 23rd: People say you make your own luck, but carrying around a sign that says "I'm needy" is probably not what they had in mind. You can freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door, but it's probably a bad idea.

Birthdays: John Wallis, mathematician 1616, Franklin Pierce, 14th President of the United States 1804, William H. Bonney, outlaw A.K.A. Billie The Kid 1859, Manuel de Falla, composer 1876, Boris Karloff, actor 1887, Miley Cyrus actor, singer 1992.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

His wife asks, "What do you think you're doing?" The husband says, "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans." His wife says, "Put them back, we can't afford them." So they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. The husband asks, "What do you think you're doing?"

His wife says, "It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love." Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser....at half the price."

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A farmer asked his vet to come out to check on his favorite bull who wasn’t doing well at all.

After checking the bull’s vital signs, the vet reached in his black bag and pulled out a rather large pill. He forced open the bull’s mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet.

Suddenly the bull jumped up and took off like a banshee, jumping every fence and mounting every cow in his way. The vet exclaimed, "Well, looks like your bull is healed!"

The farmer ruefully smiled and replied, Yep, now give me one of those pills. I’ve gotta go catch him!"

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer and said, "Name them."

That's it for today, my little buttercups. Remember, to err is human, to eh is Canadian.

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More on Wednesday.

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