Friday, November 27, 2015
The Day After.....
The popular myth that eating turkey makes you sleepy is untrue. Turkey isn't any more sleep-inducing than other foods. In fact, consuming large amounts of carbohydrates and alcohol may be the real cause of a post-Thanksgiving-meal snooze.
Turkey does contain the amino acid tryptophan, which forms the basis of brain chemicals that make people tired. But, the fact is that turkey contains less trytophan than most poultry.
Black Friday was been a piece of cake today. After checking my finances, I immediately set out this morning and found no lines at the gas station, 7-11 or Publix. I was so emboldened by the lack of crowds and lines, I almost headed over to the dollar store, but I quickly came to my senses and decided to call it a day.
The Center for Disease Control has warned that although the Swine Flu is prevalent, the Bird Flu is rampant as well. Symptoms of Bird Flu are: 1) High fever 2) Congestion 3) Nausea 4) Fatigue 5) Aching in the joints 6) An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.
The News As I See It: In a recent interview, Ben Carson said that Thomas Jefferson wrote the U.S. Constitution, when he actually wrote the Declaration of Independence. Or as Carson's campaign staff put it, "Close enough!"
This Date In History: 1852; Lord Byron's daughter Ada died. She had assisted Charles Babbage with his "analytical engine" and is credited with inventing computer language. 1895; Alfred Nobel signed his last will, which established the Nobel Prize.
1910; New York's Pennsylvania Station opened. 1953; Playwright Eugene O'Neill died in Boston at age 65. 1970; Pope Paul VI was attacked at the Manila airport by a Bolivian painter disguised as a priest.
1973; Gerald R. Ford was confirmed by the Senate to become vice president, succeeding Spiro T. Agnew. 2003; President Bush secretly flew to Iraq to spend Thanksgiving with the troops.
Picture Of The Day: There's no way I would put up with that without an AK-47.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friends named their dog Carpenter, because he did little odd jobs around the house. 2) There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves. 3) Remember to refrain from talking to characters on the movie screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. 4) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. I don't remember who wrote that. 5) Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady, I always hand her a card that states: "A mild sense of nausea is perfectly normal.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 27th: Deja vu is not a Thai dish that you had two weeks ago. Changing your love life can be done with pies, tarts and unleavened bread. However, I find that it's easier to forget eating that crap and go out and find love in the bars that you usually frequent.
Birthdays: Anders Celsius astronomer 1701, Charles A. Beard historian 1874, Chaim Weizmann scientist and Zionist leader 1874, James Agee writer 1909, Alexander Dubček statesman 1921, Alexander Haig, American General, Secretary of State 1924, Bruce Lee martial-arts actor 1940, Jimi Hendrix rock musician, guitarist 1942, Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg writer 1957.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane 12! Tampax supersize!"
Somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "thumbtacks." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom asking, "Do you want the kind that you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
A drunk is sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful woman sits down next to him. The drunk, seeing opportunity buys the women a beer and proceeds to hit on her.
Then, he asks her, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?" The woman looks at him and says, "For a million dollars, sure!"
The drunk then asks, "Would you sleep with me for 20 dollars?" The woman is instantly upset and yells, "Twenty dollars, what do you think I am some kind of whore?!"
The drunk then looks at her and says, "We have already established that fact, madam. Now we're just haggling over the price."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about."
Ethel continued, "Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?" Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
That's it for today, my little guppies. Remember, a study found that women have better memories than men. Also, a study found that women have better memories than men. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !