Signs I'd Like To See and Childhood Memories

Some of my fondest memories are from my childhood and the endless hours of fun I had playing with my friends. The old adage "Youth is wasted on the young" only furthers thoughts of those days when, other than a few afternoon chores and homework, life was good and responsibility was a word that grownups used.

Childhood dreams of adulthood were in all of our minds and ages were stated in halves. As a pre-teen, I couldn't wait to be a teenager and as a teenager, I couldn't wait to be twenty-one. Therein lies another old adage, "Be careful what you wish for, it may come true."

Indeed, life goes on and all of a sudden, you're an adult and living in your own apartment. As you read your first electric bill and scream bloody murder, you can faintly hear your parents yelling, "Turn off the damned light when you leave your room!"

In your childhood years, you were always confronted by rules and that thought that sooner or later enters all kid's minds comes to be, "When I grow up, I'm going to do what I dammed well please." Of course, once you were free to do what you "damned well please", you learn that there are other rules and regulations that affect grownups as well.

Aside from the rules of society and government, you also learn that there will be a friend that will be at your side for the rest of your life, and, he too, has laws. That friend will be Mr. Murphy, author and sponsor of Murphy's Law. There are more and mores laws, rules and regulations, ad finitum, and I haven't even begun with other cruel laws such as, "Bread with peanut butter always lands peanut butter side down."

With that, I'll just shut my eyes and look back to "the good old days" when the only worry you really had was getting brain freeze when you ate your popsicle.

The News As I See It: The mother of domestic terrorist Jihad Jane says that her daughter only joined a terrorist group because she was lonely. She wanted to meet al-Qaida guys so badly that, online, she lied and said she was a goat. Toyota Corollas are now being reported as stalling without warning. The biggest danger is that the Corolla might stall while in front of a runaway Prius.

The healthcare debate has taken time and energy from many congressional leaders. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and House Minority Leader John Boehner have been so busy that Boehner missed his appointment at the tanning salon and Pelosi was late for Botox injections.

A new technique lets doctors perform kidney transplants in 45 minutes. Oh yeah, because when you're getting a kidney transplant, your main concern is always "How long is this gonna take? Can you do it in less than an hour?"

This Date In History: 1765; The Stamp Act was enacted on the American colonies by Britain. 1820; U.S. naval hero Stephen Decatur was killed in a duel with dishonored former Chesapeake captain James Barron. 1894; The first Stanley Cup championship game was played. The Montreal Amateur Athletic Association (which won the cup unchallenged the previous year) triumphed over the Ottawa Capitals.

1895; Auguste and Louis Lumiere first demonstrated motion pictures using celluloid film in Paris. 1945; The Arab League was formed in Cairo, by Egypt, Iraq, Jordan, Lebanon, and Syria. 1972; Congress approved the Equal Rights Amendment and sent it to be ratified by the states. The amendment would fail to get the required 38 states to ratify it. 1997; Comet Hale-Bopp made its closest approach to Earth in the skies over the northern hemisphere. The comet’s next pass is predicted for the year 4397

Picture Of The Day: Sign, signs, everywhere signs! The problem is that most of them tell you what to do. Don't do this, don't do that...

Well folks, here's some signs that I'd like to see and although it's unlikely you'll see any of these signs in the near future, you can momentarily revel and enjoy them as you read today's post.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. 2) Red meat is not bad for you. Blue-green meat, now that's bad for you! 3) Oh give me a home where the buffalo roam and I'll show you a house full of buffalo shit. 4) The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. 5) If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Anthony Van Dyck, Flemish portrait and religious painter and etcher, born in Antwerp 1599, Bienvenido Santos, novelist, poet, activist 1911, Marcel Marceau, mime 1923, Pat Robertson, evangelist and politician 1930, Stephen Sondheim, composer 1930, Andrew Lloyd Webber, composer 1948, Reese Witherspoon, actress 1976.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks, "Do you do custom work?" The artist replied, "Why of course!" The woman said, "Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh." The artist says, "No problem."

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos and complains, "That doesn't look like them!" The artist says indignantly, "Yes it does!" The two argue and the woman suggests that they get the opinion of a third party.

With that, the artist goes outside of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find. It just so happens that the man is also the town drunk. The woman says, "Well, what do you think? Do you know who these men are?" The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says, "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Farmer John, who lived way out in the country, had a speech impediment. He finally got his first telephone, the kind that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked to get the operator. Soon after it was installed, he picked up the phone and cranked his first call.

A woman answered and said, "Operator." John said, "Hello Operator, "Gimme fi, fi, free, one, fi, please." The operator said, "Excuse me?" John said, "I wanna talk ta fi, fi, free, one, fi." The operator said, "Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going to have to talk plainer than that." Farmer John said, "Oh, just shtick it up yer ash!", and slammed the phone down.

The next morning, there was a knock at the farmer's door. Two very large repairmen from the phone company were there, and they asked him if he was the one who had used a profanity with their operator. Farmer John said, "Yesh, I yam." The telephone man said "Sir, we don't stand for our ladies being treated that way. You have a choice. You can either call her right now and apologize, or we're going to remove your telephone."

Without saying a word, Farmer John walked to the telephone and cranked the phone. A woman answered, "Operator." Farmer John said, "Are yew the lady I told ta shtick dis telephone up her ash?" Immediately huffy, the operator replied "I certainly am!" Farmer John said, "Well, get ready. They're bringin' it in."

Third grade teacher Miss Crabtree said to little Sammy, "You're late again, Sammy, for the third time this month." Little Sammy said, "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. The reason I'm three hours late is because my Daddy sleeps naked."

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some years. She asked little Sammy what he meant, despite her mounting fears. Little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. Sammy said, "Miss Crabtree, we have a coyote that's been coming to our ranch. The past few nights it killed and ate three hens and it also killed Mom's best milk goat!"

Little Sammy went on, "Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken coop, he grabbed his shotgun and told Mom that th\he coyote was back and he was going to get him! He told all us kids to stay back! There he was, naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants and no shirt! He crawled right up to the chicken coop and stuck that double barrel right through the window. As he stared into the dark coop with the coyote on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, snuck up behind Daddy. Then, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in the crack of Daddy's ass and we've been cleaning chickens since three this morning!"

That's it for today my little Pez dispensers. Remember, by the time you're eighty years old you will have learned everything. The only problem is having the ability to remember it. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Pssst ! - Wanna' Free Ride On Air Force One ?

Cajole: 1) To persuade with flattery or gentle urging especially in the face of reluctance. 2) To deceive with soothing words or false promises. Synonyms include: soft-soap, wheedle. Soft-soap refers to using smooth and somewhat insincere talk usually for personal gain, id est, politicians soft-soaping eligible voters. Wheedle suggests more strongly than cajole the use of seductive appeal or artful words in persuading (hucksters wheedling life's savings out of others).

Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), announced yesterday that he is voting for the Senate bill, making him the first member to go on record flipping his vote from No to Yes. Kucinich’s stance was being closely watched by both sides, partly as a test of President Obama’s ability to corral the support of reluctant Democrats. Obama wooed him directly with a lift on Air Force One and gave a big health care speech in his district earlier this week.

Some media types reported that Kucinich was "cajoled" by President Obozo to change his vote. While referring to Kucinich's flip-flop as "blatant political bribery" or "political whoring" may be a bit harsh, I certainly think that I would replace "cajole" and insert "soft-soap" or "wheedle". It would be more descriptive unless you modified the entire sentence to read that Kucinich bent over and spread his cheeks. Then, again, that's just me.

Costco is giving away free samples of Lever 2000 16-ounce bar soap. You do not have to be a Costco member to be eligible. Just click on the above link, then sign up with your name, address, email, gender, and date of birth. Then answer two questions about soap preferences.

The News As I See It: Saint Patrick's Day was a roaring success in pubs and bars across the nation. Vice President Joe Biden addressed the prime minister of Ireland and said that the prime minister’s mom once lived in Long Island. Biden followed up saying "God rest her soul . . ." Then he said, "Oh wait — your mom’s still alive. It’s your dad that passed away." Biden just can’t get anything right. Luckily it was Saint Patrick’s Day and the Irish prime minister was too drunk to notice.

Republicans also celebrated Saint Patrick’s Day and now they want to declare March 18 as "Saint Obama Day." They want to honor the president for driving all the Democrats out of Washington. In Irish lore, leprechauns hide their pots of gold at the end of the rainbow. But in San Francisco, things are a little different — at the end of the rainbow, there's just a gay bar.

The Wall Street Journal reports that jailed Ponzi-schemer Bernie Madoff was severely beaten in jail last December. Madoff was treated for a broken nose, fractured ribs and cuts to his head and face, according to a felon currently at Butner prison serving time on drug charges who was familiar with his condition at the time. The former inmate said the dispute centered on money the assailant thought he was owed by Mr. Madoff. Talk about poetic justice.....

This Date In History: 1853; During the Taiping Rebellion in China, the rebels captured Nanking and renamed it T'en-ching (Heavenly Capital). 1920; The United States Senate voted down signing the Treaty of Versailles for the second time. 1931; Nevada state legislature legalized gambling. 1953; The Academy Awards were first televised.

1996; Sarajevo became a united city again after four years when Moslem-Croat authorities took control of the last district held by Serbs. 2003; Operation Iraqi Freedom is launched with air strikes on Baghdad, the beginning of the war with Iraq (March 20 in Iraq). 2003; Mahmoud Abbas became prime minister of Palestine. He would later succeed Yasir Arafat as head of the PLO and president of the Palestinian Authority.

Picture Of The Day: There are so many excellent photoshop pictures of Bernie Madoff that it's difficult to make a selection. The recent news that Bernie got the crap kicked out of him in prison has spawned another photoshop wave of Bernie pictures. It looks like the movie title " A Weekend At Bernie's" is taking on a whole new meaning.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm not here right now. I've gone to go look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait. 2) People who claim they don't have the time to do things right somehow find the time to do them over. 3) Enthusiasm is contagious, but hype is a disease. 4) Most of us we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. 5) I called a friend of mine yesterday and found out that he had recently broken his leg in two places. I told him to quit going to those places.....and that's five !

Birthdays: David Livingstone, missionary and explorer 1813, Richard Francis Burton, explorer 1821, Wyatt Earp, law officer 1848, William Jennings Bryan, American political leader 1860, Earl Warren, jurist 1891, Philip Roth, author 1933, Glenn Close, actress 1947, Bruce Willis, actor 1955.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An elderly man lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and he went to the parish priest and asked if he would say a mass for his poor departed pet. The priest replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane." The old man said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" The priest exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs humping on the sidewalk. The little girl asked, "What are they doing, Grandma?" The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." The little girl said, "They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" Grandma asked, "How do you mean?" The little girl said, "Offer someone a helping hand and they screw you every time!"

A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk! She said, "You need to use 'big people' words." When she asked Chris what he had done over the weekend, he said, "I went to visit my Nana." The teacher admonished, "No, you went to visit your grandmother. Use 'big people' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. Mitchell said, "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a train. You must remember to use 'big people' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done. Alex said, "I read a book." The teacher said, "That's wonderful, what book did you read?" Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the shit."

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to an emergency call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mother pushed and pushed, and after a while, a little boy was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom an he began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "Smack his ass again! He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place!"

That's it for today my little bunny rabbits. Remember, diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggie!" until you can find a suitable rock. I going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and then I'm watching the Nascar Nationwide series at the half mile banked oval at Bristol. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Happy Saint Patrick's Day !

I had the pleasure of going to AREA 51 for dinner and drinks last night with my childhood pal, Victor and his lovely wife Karen. We went to "The Alibi" restaurant which was formerly "Krystel's Restaurant and Lounge." Aside from the pleasure of the company, we went to see a mutual friend who has a jazz band that plays there on Tuesday nights. Unfortunately, they moved the jazz band to Thursday nights and they now have karaoke on Tuesday nights.

Still, they had a decent crowd for a Tuesday and the karaoke singers were enjoyable. We had appetizers of tostones (fried green bananas) topped with baby shrimp in a cream sauce. I had the Mahi Mahi for dinner and Victor and Karen had spinach wraps. It was an excellent evening as we caught up with news about old friends and relived some memorable times in the past.

May St. Patrick guard you wherever you go and guide you in whatever you do and may his loving protection be a blessing to you always.

The News As I See It: The Chicago River was dyed green in honor of St. Patrick’s Day. Also in honor of St. Patrick’s Day, New York’s East River will remain green. Government officials are warning spring breakers about violence from Mexican drug gangs. They say to stay out of L.A. Facebook is going to open its first offices in India. Indian Facebook is a little different. Under "Help," it just says "Seriously? You live in India. You fix it yourself."

President O'Bama (he's Black Irish today), in his weekly radio and Internet address, called for an overhaul of the "No Child Left Behind" law. It will now be called, "The World Needs Janitors Too." Obama also talked about health care reform at a senior center in Strongsville, Ohio. The most common question he got was "When’s bingo?" Obama announced that he will establish two brain trusts to double U.S. exports over the next five years. You know what our leading export is right now? Jobs.

The Journal of Neurology reports that the longer you smoke, the less likely you are to develop Parkinson's disease. Remember, a couple of months ago, doctors said drinking a glass of alcohol every day was good for your heart. Smoking prevents Parkinson's disease. Marijuana is good for glaucoma. Sex is good for your prostate. Screw health care. Let's party !

This Date In History: 1762; The first St. Patrick's Day parade was held in New York City. 1776; British forces evacuated Boston during the Revolutionary War. 1870; Wellesley Female Seminary (later Wellesley College) received its charter from the Massachusetts legislature.

1942; Gen. Douglas MacArthur became supreme commander of Allied forces in the southwest Pacific theater during World War II. 1963; Mount Agung on Bali erupted, killing 1,184 people. 1969; Golda Meir was sworn in as prime minister of Israel. 2003; President Bush delivered an ultimatum to Saddam Hussein: leave Iraq within 48 hours or face an attack.

Picture Of The Day: You wouldn't expect anything less than a Saint Valentine's Day theme, would you? It was tough to choose between a plethora of excellent pictures on the Internet, but I settled on the one's which amused me the most. I hope you enjoy them.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The reason leprechauns laugh when they run is because the grass tickles their balls. 2) Being Irish, I'm going celebrate in my backyard this afternoon and sit down with Paddy O'Furniture. 3) My doctor was puzzled and told me "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Jimmy. I think it must be drinking." I told him, "Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober." 4) My pal, O'Malley told me that that his wife was driving him to drink. He's lucky, my ex-wife made me walk ! 5) The Irish Jig began when Irishmen had too many drinks and not enough restrooms.....and that's five !

May the road rise to meet you, May the wind be always at your back, May the sunshine warm upon your face, The rains fall soft upon your fields and, Until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Birthdays: Roger Taney, American jurist, fifth Chief Justice of the United States (1836–64) 1711, James Bridger, mountain man 1804, Kate Greenaway, illustrator and watercolorist 1846, Gloria Swanson, actress 1899, Bayard Rustin, civil rights activist 1912, Nat "King" Cole, singer 1919, Rudolf Nureyev, ballet dancer 1938.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears. He says, "So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. Me dear wayward husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put that damn gun down.'"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pal Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty. Father O'Rafferty said, "And how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?" She replied "Aye, that you did, Father." Father O'Rafferty said, "And be there any little ones yet?" Mrs. O'Donovan said, "No, not yet, Father." Father O'Rafferty said, "Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you." Mrs. O'Donovan said. "Oh, thank you, Father," and away she went.

Some years later they met again. The Father said, "Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan, how are you?" Mrs. O'Donovan said, "Oh, very well." Father O'Rafferty said, "Tell me, have you any little ones yet?" Mrs. O'Donovan "Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all." Father O'Rafferty said, "Now isn't that wonderful. And how is your husband?" Mrs. O'Donovan "Oh, he's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."

It's Saint Patrick's Day and an armed, hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave, Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. The robber screams, "Did anyone else see my face?!" There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think me wife may have caught a glimpse."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were discussing different pubs. The Scotsman said,"As good as this is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." The Englishman said, "Well, Angus, at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

The Irishman said, "Ahhh, that's nothin'. Back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. The asked the Irishman, "Did this actually happen to you?" The Irishman, "Not meself personally, but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

May you always have walls for the winds, a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire, laughter to cheer you, those you love near you and all your heart might desire.

That's it for today my little leprechauns. Remember, As you climb the ladder of success, check occasionally to make sure it is leaning against the right wall. It's St. Paddy's day and time for Happy hour. What better reason to head to AREA 51 and see my friend Erin-go-bragh-less. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Our Political Leaders Are As Useless As Teats On A Bull !

I'm fed up with the asshole politicians who run this country! They spend more time jockeying for political position than getting any work done. They can't balance the budget, they spend more money than they have and they can't sit down together and draw up a health care plan that covers everyone and is equitable for everyone.

One reason why politicians can't get anything done is that the more intelligent and successful people make far more money in the business world than they would in politics. This, of course, leaves us with the egotistical assholes that can't get a better job. These "winners" make up our government, lining their pockets with all sorts of illegal perks and monies as they wait to retire with a lucrative government pension.

There are so many cheaters, liars, thieves, lunatics and weirdos in government it would take years just to list them all. Crime, corruption, scandal and other forms of abnormal behavior dominate the weekly news. Democrats and Republicans alike, the list is endless. Bill Clinton's escapades with Monica Lewinsky, Charley Rangel's arrogant defiance of criminal investigations, toe-tapping Larry Craig's feeble attempt for a homosexual encounter in an airport bathroom stall, the list goes on and on. And what do they do when they're caught? They apologize and/or step down, usually without penalty or a slap on the wrist, pension intact.

America needs a health care bill that can be implemented without bankrupting Medicare and the citizens of this nation. How hard is that to do? I say that it's relatively easy. I would institute a national sales tax on all products sold. These monies would be used solely for financing national health care and for no other reason.

The economics are simple. Higher income people would contribute more as their finances dictate. The opposite holds true for lower income people, as they would pay less. Illegal immigrants would not be covered unless they applied for citizenship. Illegal immigrants attempting to bypass the system would be deported after their first initial treatment at any hospital emergency room. Bottom line? Everyone pays! No free rides!

Since this idea would be self-insuring, Insurance companies would participate only if their itemized bills fell in line with a prescribed range of pricing and fees as determined by a certified board of governors. This would eliminate $15 aspirin tablets and other forms of financial rape.

While my plan may need some revisions and corrections, it makes sense to me and I didn't need 1,200 pages of paper to write it on.....

Spring foward.....Fall back.....What?

Actor Peter Graves died yesterday of a heart attack outside his home in Pacific Palisades, California. Although Mr. Graves is better known to the younger crowd as the pilot in the movie "Airplane" and it's sequel, I remember him for his Golden Globe-winning portrayal of IMF leader James Phelps on the iconic spy series "Mission: Impossible". Peter Graves was 83.

The News As I See It: Former President George "Dubya" Bush, is now writing a book about his eight years in the White House. And it's green. It's entirely made out of old Al Gore ballots. There's lot of anticipation about the new book but don't worry, it'll also be available in English. A new poll shows that 22 percent of voters strongly approve of the job President Obama is doing, 43 percent strongly disapprove of the job he's doing, and the other 35 percent are holding off judgment until he actually does something.

Tiger Woods is rumored to be getting ready to return to golf. Tiger has hired Ari Fleischer, George Bush's former press secretary, to handle the press for him. I guess Ari Fleischer figures after years of trying to explain George W. Bush, Tiger's problems should be a piece of cake.

President Obama has announced this week that he has donated all of his Nobel Prize money to a charity that deals with those that have no hope: the Democratic Party. Obama would like the House to vote on his healthcare plan on either St. Patrick’s Day or the day after. That means Congress will be voting on healthcare either when they’re drunk, or when they’re hung over.

According to a survey, 67 percent of pet owners say they can understand what their pets say when they bark or meow. It doesn’t sound impressive until you realize that only five percent of Californians can understand Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Just two golfing buddies discussing the conjugation of the verb "To Be"

This Date In History: 44 B.C.; On the “Ides of March,” Julius Caesar was stabbed to death in the senate house by a group of conspirators led by Cimber, Casca, Cassius, and Marcus Junius Brutus. 1493; Christopher Columbus returned to Spain after his first visit to the Western Hemisphere. 1820; Maine became the 23rd state.

1917; Nicholas II, the last czar of Russia, is forced to abdicate his throne (March 2, old style calendar). 1937; The first hospital blood bank in the United States was established, in Chicago, at Cook County Hospital. 1965; President Lyndon Johnson asked Congress for legislation guaranteeing every American the right to vote.

2003; Hu Jintao was chosen to replace Jiang Zemin as the president of China. 2004; Scientists reported the discovery of Sedna, the most distant object in the solar system.

Picture Of The Day: A hodgepodge of pictures that I found today. As the song goes...."a little bit of this, a little bit of that" The lyrics are from "The Game Of Love" by Santana with Michelle Branch. It's song #100 on my playlist if you'd like to hear it.

The moron literally made up his own words as he trudged along.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Some days you're the pigeon; some days you're the statue. 2) My ex-girlfriend was so immature. She used to come into the bathroom and sink all my boats. 3) My right eye used to hurt every time I would drink coffee. My doctor told me to take the spoon out of the cup. 4) Fish and house guests smell after three days. 5) The principle differences between a philosophy student, an engineering student and a fine arts student is that the philosophy student asks,"Why?", the engineering student asks, "How?" and the fine arts student asks, "Do you want fries with that?".....and that's five !

Birthdays: Andrew Jackson, born in what is now generally agreed to be Waxhaw, S.C. 1767, Emil von Behring, physician 1854, Liberty Hyde Bailey, botanist 1858, Lawrence Sanders, novelist 1920, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, associate justice 1933.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. He said, "You don't have to let your wife bully you. Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice.

He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys."

He continued, "You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?" His wife calmly replied, "I certainly do.....the undertaker."

It strikes me funny that the smoking man is creating a national health care bill

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Little Linda holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. The teacher replies, "Very good, Linda."

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students hold up their hands. The teacher says, "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Little Julie holds up her hand and says, "It's a zebra." The teacher says, "Very good Julie."

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. The teacher says, "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. The teacher says, "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father." Little Garnett shouts out, "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

President Barack Hussein Obama is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th grade classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the president asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy." Obama says, "No, that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." Obama explains, No, that's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Obama searches the room and says, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Jimmy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying you, Mrs. Obama, Nancy Pelosi and other Congress members was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. Obama exclaims, "That's correct. Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" Little Jimmy says, "Because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be any great loss."

That's it for today my little smurfs. Remember, if it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !