Childhood dreams of adulthood were in all of our minds and ages were stated in halves. As a pre-teen, I couldn't wait to be a teenager and as a teenager, I couldn't wait to be twenty-one. Therein lies another old adage, "Be careful what you wish for, it may come true."
Indeed, life goes on and all of a sudden, you're an adult and living in your own apartment. As you read your first electric bill and scream bloody murder, you can faintly hear your parents yelling, "Turn off the damned light when you leave your room!"
In your childhood years, you were always confronted by rules and that thought that sooner or later enters all kid's minds comes to be, "When I grow up, I'm going to do what I dammed well please." Of course, once you were free to do what you "damned well please", you learn that there are other rules and regulations that affect grownups as well.
Aside from the rules of society and government, you also learn that there will be a friend that will be at your side for the rest of your life, and, he too, has laws. That friend will be Mr. Murphy, author and sponsor of Murphy's Law. There are more and mores laws, rules and regulations, ad finitum, and I haven't even begun with other cruel laws such as, "Bread with peanut butter always lands peanut butter side down."
With that, I'll just shut my eyes and look back to "the good old days" when the only worry you really had was getting brain freeze when you ate your popsicle. The News As I See It: The mother of domestic terrorist Jihad Jane says that her daughter only joined a terrorist group because she was lonely. She wanted to meet al-Qaida guys so badly that, online, she lied and said she was a goat. Toyota Corollas are now being reported as stalling without warning. The biggest danger is that the Corolla might stall while in front of a runaway Prius.
The healthcare debate has taken time and energy from many congressional leaders. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and House Minority Leader John Boehner have been so busy that Boehner missed his appointment at the tanning salon and Pelosi was late for Botox injections.
A new technique lets doctors perform kidney transplants in 45 minutes. Oh yeah, because when you're getting a kidney transplant, your main concern is always "How long is this gonna take? Can you do it in less than an hour?"
This Date In History: 1765; The Stamp Act was enacted on the American colonies by Britain. 1820; U.S. naval hero Stephen Decatur was killed in a duel with dishonored former Chesapeake captain James Barron. 1894; The first Stanley Cup championship game was played. The Montreal Amateur Athletic Association (which won the cup unchallenged the previous year) triumphed over the Ottawa Capitals.
1895; Auguste and Louis Lumiere first demonstrated motion pictures using celluloid film in Paris. 1945; The Arab League was formed in Cairo, by Egypt, Iraq, Jordan, Lebanon, and Syria. 1972; Congress approved the Equal Rights Amendment and sent it to be ratified by the states. The amendment would fail to get the required 38 states to ratify it. 1997; Comet Hale-Bopp made its closest approach to Earth in the skies over the northern hemisphere. The comet’s next pass is predicted for the year 4397
Picture Of The Day: Sign, signs, everywhere signs! The problem is that most of them tell you what to do. Don't do this, don't do that...
Well folks, here's some signs that I'd like to see and although it's unlikely you'll see any of these signs in the near future, you can momentarily revel and enjoy them as you read today's post.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. 2) Red meat is not bad for you. Blue-green meat, now that's bad for you! 3) Oh give me a home where the buffalo roam and I'll show you a house full of buffalo shit. 4) The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. 5) If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.....and that's five !
Birthdays: Anthony Van Dyck, Flemish portrait and religious painter and etcher, born in Antwerp 1599, Bienvenido Santos, novelist, poet, activist 1911, Marcel Marceau, mime 1923, Pat Robertson, evangelist and politician 1930, Stephen Sondheim, composer 1930, Andrew Lloyd Webber, composer 1948, Reese Witherspoon, actress 1976.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks, "Do you do custom work?" The artist replied, "Why of course!" The woman said, "Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh." The artist says, "No problem."
After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos and complains, "That doesn't look like them!" The artist says indignantly, "Yes it does!" The two argue and the woman suggests that they get the opinion of a third party.
With that, the artist goes outside of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find. It just so happens that the man is also the town drunk. The woman says, "Well, what do you think? Do you know who these men are?" The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says, "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Farmer John, who lived way out in the country, had a speech impediment. He finally got his first telephone, the kind that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked to get the operator. Soon after it was installed, he picked up the phone and cranked his first call.
A woman answered and said, "Operator." John said, "Hello Operator, "Gimme fi, fi, free, one, fi, please." The operator said, "Excuse me?" John said, "I wanna talk ta fi, fi, free, one, fi." The operator said, "Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going to have to talk plainer than that." Farmer John said, "Oh, just shtick it up yer ash!", and slammed the phone down.
The next morning, there was a knock at the farmer's door. Two very large repairmen from the phone company were there, and they asked him if he was the one who had used a profanity with their operator. Farmer John said, "Yesh, I yam." The telephone man said "Sir, we don't stand for our ladies being treated that way. You have a choice. You can either call her right now and apologize, or we're going to remove your telephone."
Without saying a word, Farmer John walked to the telephone and cranked the phone. A woman answered, "Operator." Farmer John said, "Are yew the lady I told ta shtick dis telephone up her ash?" Immediately huffy, the operator replied "I certainly am!" Farmer John said, "Well, get ready. They're bringin' it in."
Third grade teacher Miss Crabtree said to little Sammy, "You're late again, Sammy, for the third time this month." Little Sammy said, "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. The reason I'm three hours late is because my Daddy sleeps naked."
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some years. She asked little Sammy what he meant, despite her mounting fears. Little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. Sammy said, "Miss Crabtree, we have a coyote that's been coming to our ranch. The past few nights it killed and ate three hens and it also killed Mom's best milk goat!"
Little Sammy went on, "Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken coop, he grabbed his shotgun and told Mom that th\he coyote was back and he was going to get him! He told all us kids to stay back! There he was, naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants and no shirt! He crawled right up to the chicken coop and stuck that double barrel right through the window. As he stared into the dark coop with the coyote on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, snuck up behind Daddy. Then, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in the crack of Daddy's ass and we've been cleaning chickens since three this morning!"
That's it for today my little Pez dispensers. Remember, by the time you're eighty years old you will have learned everything. The only problem is having the ability to remember it. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !