I Started Out As A Child

I remember the Hurricane of 1948 or 1949 (too young to remember the exact year). Our home was near the Tamiami Trail in Miami, in those days, we lived where the future Palmetto Expressway crossed the "Trail", almost in the Everglades. Dad took us to Doctor Roberts' Hotel to pass the storm. The next day, at home, Mom wanted to get the mail, but it was flooded so bad that she had to wade to the mailbox.

The problem was that critters such as alligators, snakes and rats were also seeking higher ground and she was afraid to leave my brother and I alone to get the mail. So she took the two square washing tubs that received the clothes from the ringer on the washing machine and tied them together with rope. She put my brother in one tub and me in the other. She then tied the two tubs to her waist and with meat cleaver in hand, waded to the mailbox, my brother and I floating in tow, and got the mail. I remember that as if it were yesterday.

The News As I See It: A truck carrying Obama's podium and teleprompter was stolen from a hotel in Virginia. When asked about the incident, Obama had nothing to say. Police are on the lookout for a thief that's redundant and spreading a message of hope.

Herman Cain says a lot of provocative things. He said America should build its own Great Wall of China. Cain says it's a great idea because if there's one thing you don't see in China, it's Mexicans.

The Ford Motor Company is installing a new feature in their cars which reads text messages out loud to the driver. That's cool, this amazing new feature is called a "passenger."

On this day in 1867, the United States bought Alaska from the Russians. About six months from now, we’ll probably be selling it to China. One town in Alaska is called Deadhorse. Another one is called Manley hot springs, which is also the name of a club in San Francisco.

This Date In History: 1781; British General Cornwallis surrendered to General George Washington at Yorktown, Va., bringing an end to the last major battle of the American Revolution. 1812; French troops under Napoleon Bonaparte began their retreat from Moscow. 1960; The United States imposes a partial embargo on goods exported to Cuba.

1983; The Senate passed a bill making Martin Luther King, Jr.'s, birthday a public holiday. 1987; The stock market crashed on what came to be known as "Black Monday." Stocks dropped a record 508 points, or 22.6%, topping the drops on October 28 and 29 in 1929 that ushered in the Great Depression.

Picture Of The Day: Just practicing for Halloween..... I saw this little ditty and it struck my fancy, so.......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares. 2) Some people are like Slinkies....not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 3) Laugh and the world laughs with you. Fart and you're on your own. 4) My ex-wife said "If you go fishing one more time I'm going to leave you." 5) Remember, when the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - October 19th: Don't let the rain get you down, just keep looking for that rainbow. As the poet Joe E. Brown once said, "Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze." This has nothing to do with your horoscope, but it made me laugh, so I threw it in. Anyhoo, the rains should cease by the pm and assuming that no one has pms, it should be a fruitful evening.

Birthdays: Thomas Browne, author and physician 1605, Edmund Beecher Wilson, zoologist 1856, Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown, baseball player 1876, Lewis Mumford, social philosopher 1895, Jack Anderson, newspaper columnist 1922, John le Carré, novelist 1931, John Lithgow, actor 1945, Philip Pullman, writer 1946, Evander Holyfield, world heavyweight champion boxer 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman, "Sorry, I seemed to have left my wallet at home. I'll come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too!"

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs.....enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" She answers with a seductive smile, "Yes..." Her husband says, "Thank God, for a minute I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

A young guy is vactioning alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young ladies. Much to his surprise, they all seem to be drawn to an old guy a little further down the shoreling. Our friend goes back to the hotel, hoping for better luck that night in a night-club. So he goes to the club, and he sees the same old man, surrounded by beautiful women.

He pulls the old guy aside, and asks, "Man, what's your secret?" The old man replies, "I saw you on the beach today and I felt sorry for you. So I'll give you a tip. Try putting a pair of socks down your trunks." The young man is thankful for the advice, and can't wait for the next day to try his luck again.

The next morning he goes out to the beach again, with a clean pair of socks neatly tucked into his trunks. But the girls only smile at him and move on. He then sees the old man again, completely surrounded, of course, by beautiful women. That night, he finds the old man again and asks for more help. The wise old man responds, "Next time son, put the socks in the front of your trunks."

A man went fishing this morning but after a short time he ran out of worms. Then he saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are great bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite him with the frog in his mouth, he grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in his bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

He grabbed his bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp. He released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.A little later, he felt a nudge on his foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth. Life is good in the south when you're fishing with Jack Daniels!

A man stumbles up to a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Noticing the only other man at the bar, he tells the bartender to buy him a drink. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" The second man replies, "I'm from Miami, but my Dad was born in Alabama." The first man says, "What a coincidence my Dad's from Alabama too! Let's have another round to Alabama." The second man says, "Good idea!"

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Alabama is your Dad from?" The second man replies, "Tuscaloosa." The first man says, "I can't believe it. My Dad's from Tuscaloosa too! Let's have another drink to Tuscaloosa." The second man says, "For sure!"

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" The second man, "Hialeah High school. I graduated in '64." The first man says, "This is unbelievable! I went to Hialeah High too and graduated in '63!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. The regular says the bartender, "Hey Tom, what's going on?" The bartender says, "Nothing much, same old thing. Mondays are slow and the Sullivan brothers are drunk again."

That's it for today my little snowflakes. Remember, alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk. It's happy hour time at AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Parts Of Obamacare Quietly Dumped On Friday

When the government is forced to release less than flattering news, they dump the bad news late on Friday afternoon. The theory? Most news agencies and reporters have already lined up and finished their late Friday news stories. And dumping bad news late on Fridays gives journalists little to no time to go through the accompanying stack of legal paperwork to actually find the real dirt behind the bad news.

Most journalists know when an elected official has a politically damning report or announces their resignation on a Friday to spend "more time with their family", there’s ongoing ethics violations, pending criminal charges or a scorned wife.

That said, U.S. health officials said on Friday that after 19 months of analysis, they could not come up with a model for the so-called CLASS Act (an integral part of Obamacare) that keeps it voluntary and budget-neutral. The Community Living Assistance Services and Supports (CLASS) program was designed to give the disabled and elderly cash to receive care at home instead of usually more expensive institutional care.

Under the law, workers would have begun enrolling in the program after October of 2012, after the HHS set the program's benefits. The program was to have been voluntary, with participants required to pay into it for at least five years before qualifying for benefits.

The Congressional Budget Office had estimated the program would reduce the federal deficit by $70 billion in the program's first decade. However, the CBO also said the program would start to lose money after the first decade or two, once benefit payments exceeded income from premiums.

Republicans, many of whom are eager to repeal Obamacare, have criticized the CLASS Act as a way to trump up the cost savings of the Affordable Care Act. Dozens of states have sued to challenge the healthcare law, particularly its requirement that all Americans have health insurance. The Supreme Court is expected to rule on the legal challenge sometime before June 2012.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the family of Indianapolis champion Dan Wheldon, who was tragically killed Friday in a wreck at Las Vegas Motor Speedway. He will be missed.

The News As I See It: A squirrel spent three days inside a CVS. He wasn't hiding, he was just standing there, waiting for them to open a second register.

A hot dog vendor in California was arrested for selling guns at his hot dog stand. Wait, a place you can buy a hot dog and a gun? Isn't that called Wal-Mart?

Rick Perry admitted that he's so tired that he can't sleep. He should listen to one of his own speeches.

Bo the White House dog just turned 3. The difference between Bo and the economy is that Obama fixed the dog

Kanye West joined the wall street protesters. Now, there's an idea - a no talent thug with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed.

They say Obama doesn't have any friends and doesn't sleep well. Maybe he should call Dr. Conrad Murray.

This Date In History: 1777; British General Burgoyne surrendered in Saratoga, N.Y. during the American Revolution. 1931; Mobster Al Capone was convicted of income tax evasion for which he was sentenced to 11 years in prison. 1933; Albert Einstein arrived in the United States as a refugee from Nazi Germany.

1979; Mother Teresa was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for her work with the poor in Calcutta, India. 1989; An earthquake measuring 7.1 in magnitude killed 67 and injured over 3,000 in San Francisco.

Picture Of The Day: It looks like the republicans finally got Nancy Pelosi. I don't see her broom though. Anyway, there's no rhyme or reason to my madness today, but, then again, when is there?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Chuck E. Cheese will make you never want to have children. Unfortunately, when you finally go there, it's too late. 2) The difference between roast beef and pea soup is that anyone can roast beef. 3) My blonde girlfriend bought a new stick deodorant. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. She can barely walk but when she farts, the room smells great! 4) I like to reminisce sometimes and I remember the time Brother Kirt and I went on a cruise with our parents. They even got us our own cabin. It took us about a week to learn that Mom and Dad took another ship. 5) I missed church Sunday. I've was busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - October 17th: Remember to take your vitamins today. There's a new vitamin out that's made from chicken soup. It makes you feel cocky, but I digress. Take the vitamins and eat well because you're going to need all your energy for tomorrow. You didn't forget tomorrow, did you? Hint: Dinner date with that very sexy person?

Birthdays: Nathanael West, novelist 1903, Irene Ryan, actor 1903, Arthur Miller, playwright 1915, Rita Hayworth, actress 1918, Montgomery Clift, actor 1920, Evel Knievel, daredevil 1938, Margot Kidder, actress 1948, Mae C. Jemison, physician, atronaut 1956, Ernie Els, golfer 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. From now on when I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When say Bell 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say Bell 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "Bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "Bell 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "Bell 4!" The husband asked, "What the hell is Bell 4?" His wife replied, "Roll out more hose, you're nowhere near the fire!"

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room. The mother-in-law asked, "What are you doing?" The daughter-in-law said, "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work. I am wearing my love dress."

The mother-in-law said, "Love dress? But you're naked!" The daughter-in-law replied, "My husband loves me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. Her husband said, "What are you doing?" His wife whispered sensually, "This is my love dress." Her husband replied, "Needs ironing....."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young boy of four was going into the hospital to have his tonsils removed. He told his friend he'd be gone for awhile to have surgery. On the day he was admitted, his mother asked the doctor, "Could you please circumcise him while he is asleep?" The doctor agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore down there for several days.

After about a week he got to see his friend again. The friend informed him that he was also going to have his tonsils removed soon. His friend asked him to tell him about the surgery. The little boy said, "All I can tell you is your tonsils ain't where you think they are!"

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough loving. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love. The problem was their nooner. It took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

The doctor said, "Homer, just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time." They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while.

Two weeks later, Homer came back to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What's wrong? Didn't my idea work?" Homer said, "Oh, it worked real good. Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come running. We'd find a secluded place, make love and then she'd go back home again." The doctor said, "Great Homer. So what's the problem?" Homer replied, "I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."

That's it for today my little black sheep. Remember, if at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you! More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Cafe Cubano Y Un Pastelito De Guayaba

I like Cuban coffee and a pastel (pastry) most mornings and for me, there's nothing more enjoyable than to get up early and go to a Cuban Cafeteria. I'm not so much referring to a sit down type of restaurant, but more the local corner business that sells cafe and pasteles from a window.

In Miami, for those who know what I'm talking about, the local color and the characters are a plus to the morning fare. Those who have never seen cafe prepared at a local mom and pop store might be taken aback when they see the waitress prepare the coffee.

The espresso machine is a great invention but after they've made the cafe, they remove the tool that holds the coffee and dump the coffee grounds in order to refill it for the next brew. In a local cafe, this usually means going to a large garbage can with an old four foot long 2x4 piece of wood in it and bang the coffee holder against it to remove the coffee grounds. Not the most sanitary method, but definitely the most effective.

Of course, this process is overlooked once you've been there a few times and one is more concerned about the quickness of the waitress to give you your morning fix of cafe. I use the word "fix" with great aplomb as most people who regularly drink Cuban cafe know that an addition to heroin couldn't be any worse or cause much more stress.

The phrase, "Hello, my name's Jimmy and I'm addicted to Cuban coffee" would be laughed off the air as a television show, but most fellow Cuban coffee drinkers know exactly what I mean. Nevertheless, the taste of Cuban coffee and a pastel or even a Cuban sandwich is something you have to experience for yourself in order to understand.

One word of caution. Spilling Cuban coffee on anything is a big mistake. One little slip of the hand, or in my case, the inability to coordinate hand to mouth exercises without error, leaves a shirt or blouse with that tell-tale sign of your last whereabouts and rarely comes out after washing. On a larger scale, also personally learned by me, spilling cafe onto a cell phone or computer is disastrous.

News Alert: Former Miami Dolphins coach Jimmy Johnson, the unabashed shill for the faux male enhancement pill Extenz, discovered he has grown two inches taller since using the product (because he's a dick!).

The News As I See It: The Saudi government is upset about this plot to assassinate their ambassador. As you know, Saudi Arabia condemns all acts of terrorism unless, of course, they're sponsoring them.

White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley announced he'll be leaving the White House after the election. I get the feeling a lot of people are going to be leaving the White House after the election.

Herman Cain has moved ahead of Mitt Romney in some polls. Can you believe that? Political analysts say this is because Americans don't understand Mormonism but they do understand pizza.

The White House is apparently pushing to create more Latino-themed landmarks. Now that's in addition to our current Latino-themed landmark, California.

The Bronx Zoo has a new Halloween exhibit that features rare bugs and rodents. They're all indigenous to the same exotic location: The dumpster outside a New York Chinese restaurant.

Rick Perry said America’s revolutionary war was fought in the 16th century. When told it was actually the 18th century, Perry apologized and said, "I never said I was a geology major."

Obama had a beer with four unemployed construction workers. Obama asked the guys what was it like to lose their jobs and they were like, "Oh, you’ll find out soon."

Teenagers are soaking Gummy bears in vodka and then eating them to get drunk. That sure does make me proud to be an American. I think "vodka-soaked Gummy bear" might be my new nickname for Snooki.

One of the guys accused of organizing the Iranian plot to kill the Saudi ambassador is a used car salesman from Texas. Just when you thought terrorists couldn’t get any lower.

This Date In History: 1066; The Normans, under William the Conqueror, defeated the English at the Battle of Hastings. 1933; Nazi Germany withdrew from the Geneva disarmament conference and the League of Nations. 1947 U.S. Air Force Captain Charles "Chuck" Yeager became the first person to travel faster than the speed of sound.

1964; Martin Luther King, Jr., was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his work in civil rights. 1968 The first live telecast from a staffed U.S. spacecraft was transmitted from Apollo 7. 1990; Composer-conductor Leonard Bernstein died in New York at age 72.

Picture Of The Day: Cafe Cubano - tastes great and also removes rust!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it's the woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with. 2) I saw a great looking young woman in the gym and I said to my trainer, "I want to impress that beautiful girl. Which machine should I use?" The trainer told me, "Use the ATM machine outside the gym." 3) Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches. 4) I love watching the police series "Bait Car" because after 10 seasons of television, those illiterate assholes keep stealing cars and going to jail. 5) My friend has a Shetland pony named Norma. Last summer, Norma was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now he rents her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - October 14th: Your fear of stuffed animals may get tested a bit today. Don't worry, it's just a small cuddly creature. A scent of perfume or cologne will draw your attention to a certain someone, but don't be shy. Dancing or some other exercise my be part of your evening schedule, but please, if it's dancing, don't do the Macarena.

Birthdays: James II, king of England, Scotland, and Ireland 1633, William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania 1644, Elwood Haynes, inventor 1857, Lillian Gish, actress 1893, Dwight D. Eisenhower, Army General and 34th president of the United States 1890, e. e. cummings, poet 1894, William Edwards Deming, management consultant 1900, Hannah Arendt, political theorist, 1906, Roger Moore, actor 1927, Ralph Lauren, fashion designer 1939.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancée thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?" After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "What the hell was that?" The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

A woman had been married for several years and was growing frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizazz to their sexual relationship and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television. She took a shower, freshened up and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm asking, "Want some of this?" Her husband took a look and said, "Are you kidding? Look what it did to those panties!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed, hung over. He phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!" The other husband said, "That's nothing! Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!"

The farmer's son had just turned 18 and his father said to his friends, "Billy Bob just turned 18 and for his birthday, I'd like to send him down to Wanda's whorehouse for some sexual education. He spends quite a bit of time on the farm and he's not really knowledgeable in that area." The farmer's friends agreed and even kicked in some of their own money for Bill Bob's "birthday present."

So, the farmer called his son over, gave him some birthday money and gave him directions to Wanda's whorehouse. Billy Bob said, "But Pa, I don't know what to do when I get there." His father said, "Don't worry, Wanda will show you what to do."

Well, Billy Bob goes to Wanda's and when she gets to the door, Billy Bob told her who he was and handed her the money. Wanda said, "Well, what would you like?" Billy Bob said, "Well, ma'am, I don't rightly know. Pa said you'd show me." Wanda says, " Well, there's, 'Around the World', 'Over and Under', 'Sixty-Nine......'" Billy Bob says, "I think I'll try that there "Sixty-Nine."

They go to Wanda's room, remove their clothes and "assume the position." After a while, Wanda accidentally passes gas. Wanda says, "Sorry about that, Billy Bob." After a while longer, Wanda is so severely cramped that she again passes gas, the second one even more deadlier than the first.

After a bit, Wanda says to Bill Bob, "Well boy, How do you like it so far?" Billy Bob says, "Well ma'am, it's been fine and I appreciate what you're doing for me, but frankly, I don't think I can take sixty-seven more of those!"

That's it for today my little puppies. Remember, there is nothing in the world more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Hump Day

Nothing annoys me more than to hear a news anchor or analyst utter the phrase, "That's a tough road to hoe". Yep, roads are pretty tough to hoe. The correct phrase is "a tough row to hoe" referring to farming or gardening. Of course, the phrase itself confuses some people as the word "hoe" can be a homonym for an urban mispronunciation of the word "whore." And it gets worse.

Aside from the fact that conjugation of common verbs seem to be a hurdle for many, written misuse of the words "their", "there" and "they're" is common. I sometimes even find myself typing the wrong word and I try to proofread and spellcheck most of my entries so I don't sound like a dummy.

So, that's my soapbox delivery for today and their you have it. Amo, amas, amat.....

Question: Why are the majority of the people on the president's Job Council some of his greatest campaign contributors? Cronyism?

The News As I See It: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie announced that he’s endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It’s good news for Romney. I mean, you always want Chris Christie on your side.....unless you're in a canoe.

A new survey found that people in the U.S. will spend a record $50 billion on their pets this year. I heard it on the radio while I was driving over to my cat Shithead's apartment.

Christopher Columbus claimed America for Spain. If the British had never come here, we would all be speaking Spanish.....as opposed to just half of the country speaking Spanish.

The stock market skyrocketed on Monday. See what happens when the banks and the federal government shut down for a day?

Michele Bachmann denied that her campaign is losing steam and said all candidates have their ups and downs. Then she said, "Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to hitchhike to my next campaign stop."

Congratulations to Paul McCartney, who was just married for the 3rd time. Paul smiled and seemed to know where he was.

This Date In History: 1492; Columbus landed in present-day Bahamas. He promptly lost $100 in the casino, playing at the roulette table. 1870; General Robert E. Lee died in Lexington, Va., at age 63. 1960; Soviet premier Nikita Krushchev created a disturbance at the U.N. General Assembly by pounding his desk with his shoe.

1964; The Soviets launched Voskhod I, the first space capsule to carry three people into orbit. 1999; NBA Hall-of-Famer Wilt Chamberlain died at his Bel Air home at the age of 63. 2000; 17 U.S. sailors killed with the terrorist attack on the USS Cole in Yemen. 2002; A bomb destroyed a nightclub in Bali, killing 202, mostly tourists.

Picture Of The Day: Some of my favorites. I hope you enjoy them.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. When I want flavored water, I pour scotch over ice and let it melt. That's flavored water. 2) Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless you're a seagull.

3) It's hard to believe that some television networks actually cover Competitive Eating contests. I guess it's because watching those athletes at the poker table is just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? 4) When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months as in "27 Months." Just tell me, "He's two," and that will do just fine. He's not wine or cheese and I didn't really care in the first place.

5) Just because the tattoo right above the crack of your ass has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. Actually, it translates to "Eat at Won-Hung-Lo's restaurant" The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying that you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - October 12th: Take a tip from the camels, tonight should be good. I'd skip the part about the seserts, though. You know how sand can screw up a good evening. If you get the same bartender as last time, I'd make sure the tip is more than appropriate.

Birthdays: Elmer Ambrose Sperry, inventor 1860, Samuel Elmer Imes, chemist, physicist 1883, Ann Petry, novelist 1908, Luciano Pavarotti, Italian tenor 1935, Hugh Jackman, actor 1968, Charlie Ward, football & basketball player 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man is celebrating his birthday with all the members of his family at the Old Folks Home when in walks a Kissagram Lady. She walks sexily up to the old guy and announces that she is going to give him super sex. The old man looks at the woman and replies, "Thanks, but I'll just have the soup."

An old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?' She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Six." The judge, feeling sorry for the old woman, thought he'd teach her a lesson. He said, "I will give you six hours in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Dave for his contribution to today's stories.

A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a rottweiler.

The man asks what the items are for. The zoo keeper says, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him and the rottweiler will go straight for his balls." The man asks, "What's the shotgun for?" The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, shoot the rottweiler."

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally settled on a parrot that was perched in the back of the store for $50. She asked the shopkeeper why the parrot was so cheap, to which he replied, "Well, I have to tell you, the birds last owner was a madam at a whorehouse and he occasionally makes off color remarks that offend some people."

Thinking that the price was right and she could handle anything he might say, she took him. When she got home she set the parrot down on the table. The parrot looked around and said, "New house, new madam." The woman thought, "That's not so bad."

A little while later, her daughters got home from school, and the parrot spoke again, "New house, new madam, two new whores." Even though she felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either. Later that evening, her husband Ray came home. The parrot said, "Hi Ray!"

A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $1,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" The duck's former owner said, "Hmm...! Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

That's it for today my little ducklings. Remember, no matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. It's hump day and a good reason to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

It Was A Dark And Stormy Night.....

There is a technical meteorological term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called "Monday." It rained all weekend and my cable was out most of the time. I don't know if the weather gods wanted to change Miami or just toilet train it.

There were a lot of thunderstorms, but for the most part, it just drizzled. Imagine me sitting in my recliner with no televison, no internet and my cat, Shithead, pissing and moaning about everything. It was too quiet. I need a little noise. When it's too quiet, I can hear my brain cells dying.

Well, I guess into every life, some rain must fall. In my case, it's usually when my car windows are down. In all of the quiet, I did think of something that I couldn't answer. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

The News As I See It: Some economists say we are in a recession again and some disagree. I don't know who's right about the economy, but the other day, I went to McDonalds and asked for a double cheeseburger. The kid behind the counter grabbed a cheeseburger and folded it in half.

Unemployment is still at 9.1 percent. Well, actually it's 9.2 percent if you count Hank Williams, Jr.

A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it's possible that "less than no one" thinks they’re doing a good job.

China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that’s only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that’s not going to happen.

There’s a proposal in Congress to allow rich people who feel they don’t pay enough income tax to voluntarily pay more. Economists say this could bring in as much as $75 a year.

This Date In History: 1845; The U.S. Naval Academy opened in Annapolis, Md. 1886; The tuxedo dinner jacket made its debut at a ball in Tuxedo Park, N.Y. 1911; Sun Yat-sen's revolutionaries overthrew the Manchu dynasty in China. 1935; George Gershwin's opera Porgy and Bess debuted on Broadway.

1943; Chiang Kai-shek took the oath of office as president of China. 1970; Fiji gained its independence from Great Britain. 1973; Vice President Spiro Agnew resigned after being charged with tax evasion. 1985; Actor and director Orson Welles died in Hollywood at age 70.

2001; California representative Nancy Pelosi became minority whip. 2002; The US Congress gave President Bush authorization to use military force against Iraq.

Picture Of The Day: Thunderstorms and lightning.....One I can handle, one I can't. Want to venture a guess as to which one?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Islamic terrorists are like king salmon. Everything's great until the seals show up. 2) In the 2012 elections, voters will be reduced to using the same criteria as a four a.m. barroom pickup: The candidate has a pulse and no visible cold sores. 3) My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone. 4) The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 5) I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice really chilled the mood.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - October 10th: I know how you hate Mondays but get your ass to work. An unexpected, but minor, expense will make overtime this week a necessity. Ok, if you must know, that late night purchase you made online after partying all night is being shipped as we speak. Yeah, I know you forgot. Drinking does that to me too!

Birthdays: Jean-Antoine Watteau, painter 1684, Henry Cavendish, physicist and chemist 1731, Benjamin West, painter 1738, Giuseppe Verdi, composer of opera 1813, Robert Gould Shaw, soldier, Civil War figure 1837, Helen Hayes, actress 1900, Alberto Giacometti, sculptor 1901, R. K. Narayan, novelist 1906, Thelonious Monk, jazz pianist 1917.

James Clavell, (Charles Edmund DuMaresq de Clavelle), screenwriter, director, producer 1924, Harold Pinter, dramatist 1930, Ben Vereen, actor, dancer 1946, Amanda Burton, actor 1956, Tanya Tucker, country singer 1958, Brett Favre, football player 1969, Dale Earnhardt Jr., auto racer 1974, Mya, singer, actor 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:

An old man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."

An Avon lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy. Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell.

An old man entered the elevator and immediately made a face. The man said, "Damn! What's that smell?" The Avon lady said, "I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?" The old man said, "Like someone shit a Christmas tree."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Linda in Washington State for her contribution to today's stories.

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Wait a minute Tonto, we're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how’s it going?" She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, "I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter." He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too. What law firm are you with?"

A woman is having a bad day at the tables in Las Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know...why don't you play your age?" He walks away.

Moments later, he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the woman lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

That's it for today my little jaybirds. Remember, there are far more ways to get into debt than there are ways to get out. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !