Friday, October 14, 2011

Cafe Cubano Y Un Pastelito De Guayaba

I like Cuban coffee and a pastel (pastry) most mornings and for me, there's nothing more enjoyable than to get up early and go to a Cuban Cafeteria. I'm not so much referring to a sit down type of restaurant, but more the local corner business that sells cafe and pasteles from a window.

In Miami, for those who know what I'm talking about, the local color and the characters are a plus to the morning fare. Those who have never seen cafe prepared at a local mom and pop store might be taken aback when they see the waitress prepare the coffee.

The espresso machine is a great invention but after they've made the cafe, they remove the tool that holds the coffee and dump the coffee grounds in order to refill it for the next brew. In a local cafe, this usually means going to a large garbage can with an old four foot long 2x4 piece of wood in it and bang the coffee holder against it to remove the coffee grounds. Not the most sanitary method, but definitely the most effective.

Of course, this process is overlooked once you've been there a few times and one is more concerned about the quickness of the waitress to give you your morning fix of cafe. I use the word "fix" with great aplomb as most people who regularly drink Cuban cafe know that an addition to heroin couldn't be any worse or cause much more stress.

The phrase, "Hello, my name's Jimmy and I'm addicted to Cuban coffee" would be laughed off the air as a television show, but most fellow Cuban coffee drinkers know exactly what I mean. Nevertheless, the taste of Cuban coffee and a pastel or even a Cuban sandwich is something you have to experience for yourself in order to understand.

One word of caution. Spilling Cuban coffee on anything is a big mistake. One little slip of the hand, or in my case, the inability to coordinate hand to mouth exercises without error, leaves a shirt or blouse with that tell-tale sign of your last whereabouts and rarely comes out after washing. On a larger scale, also personally learned by me, spilling cafe onto a cell phone or computer is disastrous.

News Alert: Former Miami Dolphins coach Jimmy Johnson, the unabashed shill for the faux male enhancement pill Extenz, discovered he has grown two inches taller since using the product (because he's a dick!).

The News As I See It: The Saudi government is upset about this plot to assassinate their ambassador. As you know, Saudi Arabia condemns all acts of terrorism unless, of course, they're sponsoring them.

White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley announced he'll be leaving the White House after the election. I get the feeling a lot of people are going to be leaving the White House after the election.

Herman Cain has moved ahead of Mitt Romney in some polls. Can you believe that? Political analysts say this is because Americans don't understand Mormonism but they do understand pizza.

The White House is apparently pushing to create more Latino-themed landmarks. Now that's in addition to our current Latino-themed landmark, California.

The Bronx Zoo has a new Halloween exhibit that features rare bugs and rodents. They're all indigenous to the same exotic location: The dumpster outside a New York Chinese restaurant.

Rick Perry said America’s revolutionary war was fought in the 16th century. When told it was actually the 18th century, Perry apologized and said, "I never said I was a geology major."

Obama had a beer with four unemployed construction workers. Obama asked the guys what was it like to lose their jobs and they were like, "Oh, you’ll find out soon."

Teenagers are soaking Gummy bears in vodka and then eating them to get drunk. That sure does make me proud to be an American. I think "vodka-soaked Gummy bear" might be my new nickname for Snooki.

One of the guys accused of organizing the Iranian plot to kill the Saudi ambassador is a used car salesman from Texas. Just when you thought terrorists couldn’t get any lower.

This Date In History: 1066; The Normans, under William the Conqueror, defeated the English at the Battle of Hastings. 1933; Nazi Germany withdrew from the Geneva disarmament conference and the League of Nations. 1947 U.S. Air Force Captain Charles "Chuck" Yeager became the first person to travel faster than the speed of sound.

1964; Martin Luther King, Jr., was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his work in civil rights. 1968 The first live telecast from a staffed U.S. spacecraft was transmitted from Apollo 7. 1990; Composer-conductor Leonard Bernstein died in New York at age 72.

Picture Of The Day: Cafe Cubano - tastes great and also removes rust!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it's the woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with. 2) I saw a great looking young woman in the gym and I said to my trainer, "I want to impress that beautiful girl. Which machine should I use?" The trainer told me, "Use the ATM machine outside the gym." 3) Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches. 4) I love watching the police series "Bait Car" because after 10 seasons of television, those illiterate assholes keep stealing cars and going to jail. 5) My friend has a Shetland pony named Norma. Last summer, Norma was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now he rents her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - October 14th: Your fear of stuffed animals may get tested a bit today. Don't worry, it's just a small cuddly creature. A scent of perfume or cologne will draw your attention to a certain someone, but don't be shy. Dancing or some other exercise my be part of your evening schedule, but please, if it's dancing, don't do the Macarena.

Birthdays: James II, king of England, Scotland, and Ireland 1633, William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania 1644, Elwood Haynes, inventor 1857, Lillian Gish, actress 1893, Dwight D. Eisenhower, Army General and 34th president of the United States 1890, e. e. cummings, poet 1894, William Edwards Deming, management consultant 1900, Hannah Arendt, political theorist, 1906, Roger Moore, actor 1927, Ralph Lauren, fashion designer 1939.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancée thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?" After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "What the hell was that?" The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

A woman had been married for several years and was growing frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizazz to their sexual relationship and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television. She took a shower, freshened up and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm asking, "Want some of this?" Her husband took a look and said, "Are you kidding? Look what it did to those panties!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed, hung over. He phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!" The other husband said, "That's nothing! Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!"

The farmer's son had just turned 18 and his father said to his friends, "Billy Bob just turned 18 and for his birthday, I'd like to send him down to Wanda's whorehouse for some sexual education. He spends quite a bit of time on the farm and he's not really knowledgeable in that area." The farmer's friends agreed and even kicked in some of their own money for Bill Bob's "birthday present."

So, the farmer called his son over, gave him some birthday money and gave him directions to Wanda's whorehouse. Billy Bob said, "But Pa, I don't know what to do when I get there." His father said, "Don't worry, Wanda will show you what to do."

Well, Billy Bob goes to Wanda's and when she gets to the door, Billy Bob told her who he was and handed her the money. Wanda said, "Well, what would you like?" Billy Bob said, "Well, ma'am, I don't rightly know. Pa said you'd show me." Wanda says, " Well, there's, 'Around the World', 'Over and Under', 'Sixty-Nine......'" Billy Bob says, "I think I'll try that there "Sixty-Nine."

They go to Wanda's room, remove their clothes and "assume the position." After a while, Wanda accidentally passes gas. Wanda says, "Sorry about that, Billy Bob." After a while longer, Wanda is so severely cramped that she again passes gas, the second one even more deadlier than the first.

After a bit, Wanda says to Bill Bob, "Well boy, How do you like it so far?" Billy Bob says, "Well ma'am, it's been fine and I appreciate what you're doing for me, but frankly, I don't think I can take sixty-seven more of those!"

That's it for today my little puppies. Remember, there is nothing in the world more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Missie said...

Hey there! It's been a while. It's taken me a while, but I'm caught up now with your blog. I forgot how your blog can always make me smile. LOL

garnett109 said...

jimmy i got 10 grand for those tickets!

jack69 said...

10grand, five hundred!!

What happened to Don Shula? Who was Jimmy Johnson? I get all confused at my age.
When we lived in key West a Nephew came to visit for a week. before he left he was hoplessly addicted to Cuban Cafe. Went home bought a machine.

Loved the factual line:
The Saudi government is upset about this plot to assassinate their ambassador. As you know, Saudi Arabia condemns all acts of terrorism unless, of course, they're sponsoring them.

Good news commentary!

garnett109 said...

11 grand jimmy, jack is only going to watch the game!

jack69 said...

Okay, one for you Garnett!!!!