Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Hump Day

Nothing annoys me more than to hear a news anchor or analyst utter the phrase, "That's a tough road to hoe". Yep, roads are pretty tough to hoe. The correct phrase is "a tough row to hoe" referring to farming or gardening. Of course, the phrase itself confuses some people as the word "hoe" can be a homonym for an urban mispronunciation of the word "whore." And it gets worse.

Aside from the fact that conjugation of common verbs seem to be a hurdle for many, written misuse of the words "their", "there" and "they're" is common. I sometimes even find myself typing the wrong word and I try to proofread and spellcheck most of my entries so I don't sound like a dummy.

So, that's my soapbox delivery for today and their you have it. Amo, amas, amat.....

Question: Why are the majority of the people on the president's Job Council some of his greatest campaign contributors? Cronyism?

The News As I See It: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie announced that he’s endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It’s good news for Romney. I mean, you always want Chris Christie on your side.....unless you're in a canoe.

A new survey found that people in the U.S. will spend a record $50 billion on their pets this year. I heard it on the radio while I was driving over to my cat Shithead's apartment.

Christopher Columbus claimed America for Spain. If the British had never come here, we would all be speaking opposed to just half of the country speaking Spanish.

The stock market skyrocketed on Monday. See what happens when the banks and the federal government shut down for a day?

Michele Bachmann denied that her campaign is losing steam and said all candidates have their ups and downs. Then she said, "Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to hitchhike to my next campaign stop."

Congratulations to Paul McCartney, who was just married for the 3rd time. Paul smiled and seemed to know where he was.

This Date In History: 1492; Columbus landed in present-day Bahamas. He promptly lost $100 in the casino, playing at the roulette table. 1870; General Robert E. Lee died in Lexington, Va., at age 63. 1960; Soviet premier Nikita Krushchev created a disturbance at the U.N. General Assembly by pounding his desk with his shoe.

1964; The Soviets launched Voskhod I, the first space capsule to carry three people into orbit. 1999; NBA Hall-of-Famer Wilt Chamberlain died at his Bel Air home at the age of 63. 2000; 17 U.S. sailors killed with the terrorist attack on the USS Cole in Yemen. 2002; A bomb destroyed a nightclub in Bali, killing 202, mostly tourists.

Picture Of The Day: Some of my favorites. I hope you enjoy them.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. When I want flavored water, I pour scotch over ice and let it melt. That's flavored water. 2) Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless you're a seagull.

3) It's hard to believe that some television networks actually cover Competitive Eating contests. I guess it's because watching those athletes at the poker table is just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? 4) When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months as in "27 Months." Just tell me, "He's two," and that will do just fine. He's not wine or cheese and I didn't really care in the first place.

5) Just because the tattoo right above the crack of your ass has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. Actually, it translates to "Eat at Won-Hung-Lo's restaurant" The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying that you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - October 12th: Take a tip from the camels, tonight should be good. I'd skip the part about the seserts, though. You know how sand can screw up a good evening. If you get the same bartender as last time, I'd make sure the tip is more than appropriate.

Birthdays: Elmer Ambrose Sperry, inventor 1860, Samuel Elmer Imes, chemist, physicist 1883, Ann Petry, novelist 1908, Luciano Pavarotti, Italian tenor 1935, Hugh Jackman, actor 1968, Charlie Ward, football & basketball player 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man is celebrating his birthday with all the members of his family at the Old Folks Home when in walks a Kissagram Lady. She walks sexily up to the old guy and announces that she is going to give him super sex. The old man looks at the woman and replies, "Thanks, but I'll just have the soup."

An old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?' She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Six." The judge, feeling sorry for the old woman, thought he'd teach her a lesson. He said, "I will give you six hours in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Dave for his contribution to today's stories.

A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a rottweiler.

The man asks what the items are for. The zoo keeper says, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him and the rottweiler will go straight for his balls." The man asks, "What's the shotgun for?" The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, shoot the rottweiler."

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally settled on a parrot that was perched in the back of the store for $50. She asked the shopkeeper why the parrot was so cheap, to which he replied, "Well, I have to tell you, the birds last owner was a madam at a whorehouse and he occasionally makes off color remarks that offend some people."

Thinking that the price was right and she could handle anything he might say, she took him. When she got home she set the parrot down on the table. The parrot looked around and said, "New house, new madam." The woman thought, "That's not so bad."

A little while later, her daughters got home from school, and the parrot spoke again, "New house, new madam, two new whores." Even though she felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either. Later that evening, her husband Ray came home. The parrot said, "Hi Ray!"

A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $1,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" The duck's former owner said, "Hmm...! Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

That's it for today my little ducklings. Remember, no matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. It's hump day and a good reason to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


garnett109 said...

looks like those camels a resting jimmy

Heli gunner Tom said...

I thought you had some good material today-- enough to make this old man smile and laugh! I finally found a good looking red headed lady in WI., who said she would marry me! Wow! I am so happy!

Tommy S

jack69 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jack69 said...

To start with, I don't believe Tom. Then there is that sand, the first thing I thought of. OUCH!

Thanks for the education. Something about a tough Hoe to row!

From across the table came (thru laughs) 'He heard in on the radio on the way to Shithead's apartment', course she didn't say 'Shithead'. My girl is cultured! 'Crap head'.

I had to delete the other comment, proof reading after the fact.

Paula said...

You made me feel so smart today. I know how to use the word hoe and how not to use the word hoe. My English teacher in highschool was the same one for three years. Everyday she said get out your novels and read. That meant the girls. The boys gathered around her desk and talked. She was the Superintendent's wife and got by with it.