Scenario: Billy Mays comes on the screen in a commercial for the Jupiter Jack, some cheap piece of shit that you put in your car radio so that the caller can be heard via the car speakers. In a shrill, shrieking voice that would piss off the Pope, he screams, "Let me tell you about the Jupiter Jack...." and begins his rant about the product.
As I search for a sharp object to stick in my ear, Billy receives a call.....
Caller: "Hey Billy, it's Carla. I need you over at the office for a studio meeting."
Me: "He can't come Carla, 'cause he's dead !"
The commercial continues...
Billy: In my car, the Jupiter Jack is the only system I use 'cause I can safely drive and talk at the same time...."
Me: No you can't, Billy! You don't drive any more and you don't use it in your car, 'cause you're dead !" At this point in time, my cat Shithead has awakened from his nap and is staring at me like I'm the crazy one in the room. Ok, so I'm a little strange, but it's commercials like this that just burns my ass and forces me to have a conversation with an inanimate object. Shithead doesn't think it's strange when I talk to him, though. He thinks that's "normal."
It's not that all commercials bother me. Most are well done and some are quite clever. It's just when they put on some idiot with a product that you know is a scam or doesn't work that makes me yell at the television. I try to keep my composure when one of my lady friends is with me, but occasional outbursts do occur.
Most of the people that evoke my wrath are people like that idiot Vince on the "Shamwow" commercials. He's dead as well, but at least he had the decency to stay dead. The trio who do the commercial for Free Credit Report dot Com are also real winners. I wonder how they got time off from their jobs at MacDonalds to film the commercial? That commercial is one of the all time biggest scams today. Then there's that pervert that does the Extenze commercials, who looks like the type you would see at the local titty bar, wearing a raincoat. I'm relatively sure that's where he found that bimbo who does the commercial with him.
Bimbo: "It's not a trick, it's real science !"
Me: "Sweetie, the only thing you know about science is that it's a word that precedes fiction. Stick with words that you understand like, 'You want fries with that?'"
Years ago, when I was around ten years old, I was walking toward the kitchen where my father was preparing dinner. I heard him conversing with someone, but when I went into the kitchen, he was alone. Later, I told my mother that I thought that something was wrong with Dad. Concerned, my mother asked me what was wrong and I told her what had happened. As she gasped for air while laughing hysterically, she told me not to worry and that I would understand later on in life.
Yes, my little pop tarts, I have become my father. I talk to the television, I talk to my cat and sometime I have quite the interesting conversation with myself. The only drawback is that I occasionally continue conversing with myself when I take a walk to the local Seven-Eleven. It doesn't matter though, Ahmed Ali Baba doesn't speak English anyway.... This Date In History: 1513; The members of a Spanish expedition under Vasco Núñez de Balboa cross the Panamanian isthmus, becoming the first Europeans to see the Pacific Ocean. 1789; Led by James Madison, the US Congress approves 12 amendments to the Constitution. Ten of these amendments, which will be ratified by the states in 1791, are known as the Bill of Rights.
1957; After prolonged resistance by local leaders, nine African-American students enter Central High School in Little Rock, Arkansas, under the protection of the National Guard. 1970; The Palestine Liberation Organization is defeated by the government of Jordan, after a brief conflict known as "Black September".
Picture Of The Day: By now you're probably wondering about the correlation between today's pictures and the United Nations. The answer is that it takes all kinds and not all of the kinds are not acceptable to others as depicted in this United Nations group photograph. President Imadinnerjacket appears a bit lonely and isolated by the rest of the group. Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you 2) An Arachnoleptic Fit is the frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 3) Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then you'll be a mile away from them and you'll have a new pair of shoes 4) You know you have an addiction to the Internet when you wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 5) A minute can seem such a short time or a long time. It just depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.....and that's five !
Birthdays: Today is my Mom's birthday. Mom passed away a few years back, but I always wish her a happy birthday. Happy Birthday Mom, I love you ! 1915, Francesco Borromini, Baroque architect 1599, Qianlong, Chinese emperor 1711, Thomas Hunt Morgan, geneticist 1866, William Faulkner, novelist 1897, Mark Rothko, Abstract Expressionist painter 1903, Dmitri Shostakovich, Russian composer 1906. The AREA51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two elderly women, Maude and Mabel, were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Maude notices something peculiar about Mabel's ear and says, '"Mabel, why on earth do you have a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel replies, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulls it out and stares at it for a moment. Mabel says, "Thanks for letting me know. Now I know where to find my missing hearing aid."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming:
A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back. The lawyer turned and said, "Excuse me, but why do you keep touching my back?" The man said, "I'm a chiropractor and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills."The lawyer says, "Get control of yourself, man, I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?" One morning a blind bunny tripped over a large snake and fell on his twitchy little nose. The bunny said, "Please excuse me,' I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see." The snake said, That's all right, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way what kind of animal are you?" The bunny said, "Well, I really don't know. I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit." The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him.
When the bunny was finished the snake asked, "Well, what kind of animal am I?" The bunny replied, "You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't any balls. You must be a politician!"A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor.
She bumps into the resident golf pro, who says "Can I help you with anything?" The woman tells him she's been stung by a bee. The pro asks, "Oh really, where?" The lady replies, "Between the first and second hole." The golf pro says, "Well, first of all, your stance to way too wide!"
That's it for today my little Honey Dews. Remember, marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. Thank God, it's Friday, and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and some late night carousing! Have a great weekend and more on Monday,
Stay Tuned !