Never Fry Bacon Naked !

I enjoy cooking and although I don't always prepare gourmet dishes, I definitely enjoy the challenge of turning a standard fare into something special. My father was the chef in the family and Brother Kirt probably inherited most of Dad's cooking talents. I'm not as talented as Brother Kirt, but, for the most part, I cook relatively well.

A lot of my culinary skills were actually acquired during my early bachelor days when I learned that it was a useful talent in relationships. For some reason, women seem to enjoy having a special dinner prepared just for them. Of course, I also learned that cooking was a useful tool in survival and after many failed experiments, I began to get the hang of cooking a decent meal for myself.

It dawned on me yesterday that almost every time that I cook, there's always a part of my body that suffers a casualty. Mom and Dad taught me the basics in cooking. beginning with the old adage, "don't touch that, it's hot." Naturally, the first lesson one learns in cooking is that they were right! That age old adage, passed down from generation to generation, is always learned the hard way. But there are certain lessons one must learn on one's own....

My first lesson in cooking as a bachelor was, "Never fry bacon naked." This is a phrase that should be written, framed and hung in every kitchen right beside the "home, sweet home" sign. Another "Law of Cooking" lesson is to remember that after your hands become coated with flour or oil, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Perhaps one of the most dangerous parts of cooking is preparing and cutting the vegetables for a salad. Inevitably, no matter how much I try to be careful, I end up cutting or piercing myself while slicing and dicing. I've found that the best way to slice vegetables is to get someone else to hold the vegetables while you slice them. The drawback to this is that unless you have a lot of friends, you'll soon run out of people to hold the vegetables.

As the cooking process nears completion and dinner is almost ready to be served, I find that it is in this time frame where most of my injuries occur. Since I am prone to multi-tasking (even when there's only one task), certain things occassionally happen that can really hurt.

Anyone who has ever cooked, especially sauteeing, knows that there's always that one part of the meat or fish that just doesn't want to stay or fit in the frying pan. When I am hurried, I have the tendency to push that part into the pan with my finger. Ninety percent of the time, I do this successfully and ten precent results in a burned fingertip. That ten percent time frame always seems to coincide with the fact that I'm cooking for a lady.

Fortunately, I usually have a bottle of wine chilling on ice and my remedy for the burned finger is to take as long as possible to remove the wine from the ice and pour it. All things considered, the minor injuries are usually worth the effort and things normally work out well......unless I fried the bacon!

This Date In History: 1745; Bonnie Prince Charlie's Jacobite forces defeat the Hanoverians at the Battle of Prestonpans, near Edinburgh. 1904; Chief Joseph, the Nez Perce Native American chief who led his people on a 1,000 mile journey to escape the US Army, dies on the Colville Reservation in Washington at about the age of 64. 1937; The Hobbit, Oxford University professor J. R. R. Tolkien's tale of Middle Earth, is published.

1976; In an assassination widely credited to the secret police of Chile, Chilean opposition leader Orlando Letelier and his American secretary are killed by a car bomb in Washington, D.C. 1989; The US Senate confirms President George Bush's appointment of General Colin Powell as chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Picture Of The Day: Florida is known for its alligators, especially in the Everglades, but this 'gator takes the cake! Florida Power and Light were doing some culvert work in Orlando when they ran across this guy. The alligator measured 18 feet, two inches. For those of you who don't know, the 'gator is on his back.

I've seen 'gators up to 14-15 feet in my past fishing and camping trips in the 'glades, but I've never seen one this big.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend took two Ex-Lax in addition to his Prozac the other day. He couldn't get off the john, but he felt good about it. 2) President Obama has said that he’s dropping President Bush’s plan for a missile defense shield. Obama is also dropping President Bush’s plan to build an elite army of Rock ’em, Sock’em Robots. 3) According to Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke, the recession is over. Where is that “you lie” congressman when you need him?

4) ACORN is an organization that gets government money to help poor people. Well, now they’re in trouble. These two filmmakers went to ACORN posing as a pimp and prostitute saying they wanted to buy a house and run it as a brothel. ACORN gave them advice on how to do it and how to avoid prosecution and how to avoid paying taxes. If they want to get away with prostitution and not paying taxes, they should go to Congress. These are the professionals. 5) I have yet to understand the logic of people ordering double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Frederick III, Holy Roman emperor 1415, Girolamo Savonarola, preacher and reformer 1452, H. G. Wells, novelist and political writer 1866, Chuck Jones, animator 1912, Stephen King, novelist 1947.

The AREA51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now, some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

Two elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench on Miami Beach. After a while, one said, "By the way, George, how's your wife?" George says, "I think she's dead." The other man says, "What do you mean, you think she dead?" George says, "Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

The woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?" The husband replied, "No, dear, not at all, our house isn't blue."

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm and said, "Want some of this?" Her husband replied,"Are you kidding? Look what it did to those panties!"

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" The young man said, "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks."

The pastor said, "What happened?" The young man said, "My wife was reaching for a can of corn and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.

The pastor said, "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church." The young man said, "Yeah, we're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

That's it for today my little Dixie cups. Remember, the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo is that a southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !