Wednesday, September 23, 2009

It's Time To Begin Harvesting Nuts For The Winter !

Since it's been a strange, but busy news week. I'll try bring you up to date on the national news according to the late night talk show hosts....

Chrysler announced that it will no longer put owner's manuals in their cars. Not only that, Chrysler has pretty much given up on putting owners in their cars.

The MacArthur Foundation gave out its annual “Genius” awards. This year’s awards went to a journalist, a mental health scientist, and a couple who sold their house three years ago.

A well-known animal expert says that humans should “pull the plug” on panda bears because they’re not strong enough to survive on their own. The animal expert then said the same goes for the Detroit Lions.

Security is very tight around the United Nations building in New York City -- a lot of dictators running around. Dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad kicked things off with a hate-filled rant, followed by hors d’oeuvres.

President Obama was on “David Letterman” last night. I especially liked the “Stupid Biden Tricks.” It was very awkward though when Paul Shaffer stood up and shouted, “You lie!" Obama has been everywhere pushing his health care plan. He was even on “Maury Povich.” The good news is he’s not the father. Turns out John Edwards is.

It’s officially fall. You can always tell it’s fall in L.A. because the air gets crisper; the days get a little shorter; the leaves turn from on fire to not on fire. The smog changes color in the fall too, it’s really quite beautiful.

There are over 150 world leaders are in town for the conference. As a result, there are also 150 mistresses in town. It’s a traffic nightmare. Several heads of state are staying at the Ritz-Carlton. Most check in under an alias for security reasons, although I'm pretty sure I know who Joe Schmiden is.

It’s the first day of autumn. In a statement, Sarah Palin said, "I’m getting a little worried about President Obama, he hasn’t been on a TV show in almost 11 hours." The fall season is a little different this year. Even squirrels are distancing themselves from ACORN.

Speaking of squirrels: There were five houses of religion in a small Florida town. The Presbyterian Church, The Baptist Church, The Methodist Church, The Catholic Church, and The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were pre-destined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the roof of the church. The deacons met and decided to have the congregation vote on the best recipe for stewed squirrel.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue in Miami Beach, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

In Other News: Moammar Gadhafi and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (pronounced "I'm a dinner jacket") are slated to speak to the United Nations General Assembly. Although free speech is a human right which should be open to all, I feel that if no one attends or listens to these two assholes speak, the best interests of all will be served. You might understand this thought more thoroughly by watching C-SPAN, which televises our esteemed elected public officials making undistinguished speeches to an empty hall.

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths: 1) Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people. 2) Jews do not recognize Jesus Christ as the Messiah. 3) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world. 4) Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

This Date In History: 1642; Harvard College in Cambridge, Massachusetts, the oldest college in the United States, holds its first commencement exercises. 1780; British agent John André is captured while carrying documents that reveal the treason of American general Benedict Arnold, who has agreed to hand over the American fort at West Point to the British.

1846; German astronomer Johann Gottfried Galle discovers the eighth planet, Neptune, on the basis of French astronomer Urbain Le Verrier's calculations of its position. 1912; After leaving the Biograph company to start his own film studio, director Mack Sennett releases the first Keystone comedy short, starring Mabel Normand, Ford Sterling, and Fred Mace.

1939; Sigmund Freud, the Austrian founder of psychoanalysis and one of the most influential thinkers of the 20th century, dies in London at the age of 83, having fled the Nazi takeover of Austria in 1938.

Birthdays: Augustus, first emperor of Rome (27 bc-ad 14) 63 bc, Victoria Woodhull, reformer and feminist 1838, Louise Nevelson, sculptor 1900, Jaroslav Seifert, poet 1901, Ray Charles, pianist and singer 1930, Bruce Springsteen, rock singer and songwriter 1949.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have no idea why the sell hot dogs in packs of ten and hot dog buns in packs of eight. 2) Ladies, the next time you're at Happy Hour and some dumb ass asks, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?", simply reply, "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD clinic." 3) Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 4) For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 5) Negligent (adj.), is a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown....and that's five !

Picture Of The Day: Believe it or not, there is a correlation between today's post and the squirrel pictures. With the news about so many nutty dictators in New York City, the continuing ACORN fraud scandal and investigations across the nation and the arrival of fall, it's only appropriate that squirrels are present to gather and store nuts for winter.

The little squirrel who was adopted by the dog family is named Finnegan. The mother adopted, fed and cared for him as she did her own puppies.

The AREA51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt, my pal, Victor, and my pal, Joann, for their contributions to today's post.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly said, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." The teller asked, "Oh my goodness gracious. And will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f**kin' sheet rock."

Kind of brings a tear to you eye, doesn't it ?

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, "Land mines."

That's it for today my little puddy tats. Remember, you know you're addicted to the Internet when you refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said...

Oh my....the Printable Things I Never Told You crack me up each time!

Love all the photos of the squirrels and the jokes to go along with them.

Wow, it is officially "Fall" already but what do we know...we live in Florida! Just another hot day!

Hugs, Rose

Linda's World said...

You made me laugh! Another great entry dear Jimmy! Linda in hot & sunny Washington state

Paula said...

Baptist/Hooters. LOL

Senorita said...

I love squirrels.

Next time a slimy guy hits on me and tells me I look familiar, I will tell him I work at the VD clinic. Thank you for that.

I can't stand Mahmoud Ahmedinejad

salemslot9 said...

last week, one of the squirrels in our backyard was dragging both it's hind legs
the poor lil nutter probably fell out of our huge oak tree
one of the neighbor's dogs started barking at it
my John went to see if it was behind our shed
he couldn't find it
it must've went through the back fence into another yard
I cried...

Joann said...

This whole post cracked me up!! Loved it!! Have fun at Happy Hour, Jimmy!!

Julie said...

Definitely lots of nuts this year, the squirrels will do well over the winter.

Missie said...

Have a good night.