I Like Pork And Beans !

I like pork and beans, especially Bush Beans. Their beans come in many varieties, including onion and maple syrup, and make them especially tasty, They go quite well with any meal or barbecue. There is one minor drawback to the consumption of beans and that can be quite unpleasant or very funny depending on where one is sitting. Butt, there's just something about flatulence that always makes me laugh under most conditions.

The garden variety of jokes that stem from this unpredictable condition are usually childish and one would think that most adults would not be amused by such a cheap antic. One would think.....

While obviously taboo in mixed company, most men turn into school kids upon hearing a loud flatulent report and find this extremely funny. Almost any joke referring to flatulence always brings a grin to their faces.

Probably one of the funniest movie scenes I've ever seen came from the movie "Blazing Saddles." The setting is a campfire in the wild west where a group of cowboys are sitting around the campfire and eating beans. The only "dialogue" comes in the form of a barrage of flatulence from all the cowboys.

While I'm not sure how most women reacted to that scene, I can verify that the majority of men who watched it howled with laughter. I guess men are just overgrown kids at heart and the some of the simplest and most absurd humor usually evokes a laugh. Go figure.....

The Internet turns 40 today and I'm not sure if the technology revolution has made me a better person or has reduced me to a couch potato sitting in front of the computer. The fast and easy access to information makes it very attractive to me, but by the same token, it sometimes has me hooked until the wee hours of the morning.

My pal, Victor sent me an email a week or two ago and asked me to add some of his favorite music groups to my playlist (which I gladly did). Later, in another email, he told me that sometimes he goes to my journal and just leaves my playlist on in the background while he's online doing other things. It never dawned on me to do that, but I guess it's like listening to commercial free satellite radio. I encourage all of my readers to suggest any songs or groups that they would like to hear and I'll be happy to add them. That is, with the exception of hip-hop.

The Cat's Ass Trophy (CAT Award) has one nominee so far this week, that being that sick piece of shit, Phillip Garrido. Nominations will remain open until Thursday at 12:00 noon, so if someone or something comes to mind, please feel free to make a nomination.

This Date In History: 31 BC; The forces of Mark Antony and Cleopatra are decisively defeated near Actium by the Roman army of Octavian (later known as Augustus), allowing Octavian to consolidate his rule of the Roman empire. 1666; The Great Fire of London starts in a bakery in Pudding Lane. The fire devastates the city, destroying many buildings, including St Paul's Cathedral and the Guildhall.

1898; The Battle of Omdurman is fought at Omdurman, Sudan, between a British-commanded Anglo-Egyptian army and a larger Sudanese army. 1945; On board the USS Missouri in Tokyo Bay, Japanese officials make their formal surrender to the United States, ending the conflict between the two countries in World War II.

1945; Ho Chi Minh, leader of the Vietminh, declares the independence of the Democratic Republic of Vietnam from France, beginning an eight-year colonial war that will result in a partitioned country. 1969; In a lab at the University of California, Los Angeles, two computers passed test data through a 15-foot gray cable. Stanford Research Institute joined the fledgling ARPANET network a month later. UC Santa Barbara and the University of Utah joined by year's end and the Internet was born.

Picture Of The Day: If Janet Jackson could make world news for her now renown "wardrobe malfunction", I guess it's an option for all females, including Miss Piggy. Methinks, however, not all females would be as successful though. The though of a wardrobe by the likes of Nancy Pelosi or Joan Rivers makes me shudder.

Birthdays: John Howard, British philanthropist and social reformer 1726, Louis Bonaparte, younger brother of Napoleon, born in Ajaccio, Corsica, and educated at the military school at Châlons-sur-Marne (now Châlons-en-Champagne), France 1778, Wilhelm Ostwald, German physical chemist 1853, Frederick Soddy, British chemist and Nobel laureate 1877.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) California is over thirty billion dollars in debt and they can't pay it back, so they decided to set it on fire and collect the insurance. 2) If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it! It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi. 3) I have no idea how the thought of Bush Beans and flatulence came to mind for today's entry, except for the fact that I did devour a can of the onion flavor this week. Perhaps that's why my cat, Possum, did not opt to sit on my lap as he normally does. 4) Apple is expected to release the new iPod very soon, but they’re not saying when. My guess is that the most likely release date will be exactly one day after you buy the current iPod. 5) It's a bad sign when you have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.....and that's five !

The AREA51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two 70-year-olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, "I think it's time we had sex, don't you agree?" The old woman agrees and the two make love that afternoon. Afterward, as they are lying in bed, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle!" Meanwhile, the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest sad, "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." The drunk muttered, "Well, I'll be damned," and returned to his paper,

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk replied, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking down Main St., he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

The reverend said sternly, "Mrs. Fitzgerald, this is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" With a slur and obviously very drunk, she said, "Sure!" When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!" The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded and said, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."

That's it for today my little tinker toys. Remember he who breaks wind in church sits in his own pew. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !