Friday, January 30, 2009

As Trini Lopez's Song Goes, "If I Had A Hammer" (I'd Bust It Upside Some Politicians' Heads) !

So, do you really want to resolve America's economic woes? The government doesn't have an inkling as to how to resolve the problem and never has. The so-called stimulus plan contains so much pork that it oinks when you read it. The 647 page document, doubtfully read by most members of Congress, is a harder read than "War and Peace."

Will spending billions for dollars for such things as the study of contraception, the sodding of the National Mall, the national endowment of the arts, building repairs for the Smithsonian and greenhouse research for NASA and NOAH, jump start the economy? The handing out of checks to people who do not pay federal income taxes is welfare, not a stimulus.

The government is just mortgaging our children and grandchildren's future by printing money as fast as they can. This money is then backed by loans from countries like China who have woes of their own. The buck has to stop sooner or later and woe be unto the people that are stuck with the bill.

If you want to help jump start the economy, you can begin by BUYING AMERICAN. Government and economists say that this is not a good idea because it will cost Americans more money in the long run. Moreover, the government has provisions that it can't even buy American in some cases. So forget about the government coming up with a plan.

If everyone buys American when possible, things will begin to turn around. You might pay a little more at first, but that small increase will be invested into a company that might be paying a higher wage to its workers instead of outsourcing the work to countries like India and China. In turn, that company's success will guarantee the continued employment of the worker who otherwise might be unemployed. This employee, in turn, will go out into the market place and purchase goods and services which will make the economy strong for all. Think about it!

State Farm Insurance has announced that they will no longer write home owners insurance polices in the state of Florida. After asking the Florida government for rate increases of nearly 50% and having the request denied, they announced that it would be cost prohibitive to continue underwriting homeowners policies. The State of Florida needs to tell the blood sucking, pick and choose, State Farm Insurance that if the can't underwrite homeowners insurance, then they will not be allowed to sell any form of insurance in Florida, including car and life insurance policies. If you want to eat your fillet Mignon, you also have to eat your vegetables!

Citi Group, who recently accepted 45 billion dollars in bailout money, had to reject delivery of a 42 million dollar corporate jet after the government found out about it. Talk about a pair of cojones, this is how your hard earned tax dollars are being spent with the useless bailout of banks who, after receiving billions of dollars in aid, continue with business (read corruption) as usual. Uh,...anyone ever heard of transparency and accountability?

Blago's Out! Rod Blagojevich was impeached by the Illinois Senateyesterday and was replaced by Lt. Governor Pat Quinn. Blagojevich's troubles are not over as federal prosecutors are drawing up an indictment against him on corruption charges. Corruption? In Chicago, Illinois? What other politicians are from Illinois?

Stepping Off The Soapbox and slipping into my casual mind, today's Friday and a trip to AREA 51 is in order. It's been too long since I have hung out with my pals and a little rest and recreation sounds like a fine idea.

The Super Bowl is on Sunday and partying will be rampant. Since there's no Florida team playing, I really don't have a preference as to the winner, but my heart always lies with the underdog. The Pittsburgh Steelers are the favored team so I'm going out on a limb and I'll be rooting for the Arizona Cardinals. For you Cardinals fans, here's a cactus!

Possum's Journal features Pets Of The Week today so stop by and visit him. The little guy has been working hard on his journal and with his handicap (he has seven toes on each front paw), it's a bit difficult for him to type. Here's the link:

This Date In History: 1649; A week after having been found guilty for treason, King Charles I is beheaded. 1826; The Menai Suspension Bridge between Anglesey and North Wales is opened. 1933; Adolf Hitler is named Chancellor of Germany by President Hindenburg. 1948; Indian leader Mohandas Gandhi is assassinated by Nathuram Godse. 1965; Winston Churchill is given a state funeral. 1972; Bloody Sunday sees the shooting of 26 men, 13 fatally, by the British Army in Londonderry following a banned march protesting against internment.

Picture Of The Week: Transparency and Images are today's theme so I thought I'd give you some more serene images to lessen the venomous anger that seems to fill me today. The constant barrage of ridiculous happenings and the stupid people involved in same has me a bit testy. I defintely will be meeting with my advisor, Johnnie Walker Black, in AREA 51 this evening. I got a little goofy with pictures today, but I couldn't decide which ones to post, so I put them all in. As my pal Nancy says, I'm a little eclectic.

Birthdays: My pal and sweetie-pie, Tania. Happy Birthday Baby 19XX, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 32nd President of the United States (1933-1945); elected for an unprecedented four terms, he was one of the 20th century's most skillful political leaders 1882, Gene Hackman, actor 1930, Vanessa Redgrave, actor 1937.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Robin for her contributions to today's stories.

A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a Texas girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap, we don't need to drink with the same glass twice."

Ahmed, the Iraqi, is so impressed by this that he tosses his glass in the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't have to drink from the same glass either."

The Texas girl picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, pulls out her 45 and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. She catches her beer in mid-air, sets it on the bar, orders a refill and says, "In Texas, we have so many illegal aliens, that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice!"

Amazing statistics about the recent presidential inauguration is that 1.5 million people attended the ceremonies and only 1,000 people missed work. As the few attendees that pay federal income taxes prepared their 2008 federal tax returns, one in particular included the following letter:

Enclosed is my 2008 Form 1040, together with payment. Please take note of the attached article from "USA Today" archives. In the article, you will note that the Pentagon paid $171.50 each for hammers and NASA paid $600.00 each for toilet seats. Please find enclosed in this package four toilet seats (value $2,400.00) and six hammers (value $1,029.00). This is in payment for my total tax due of $3,429.00.

Out of a sense of patriotic duty, and to assist in the political purification of our government, I am also enclosing a 15 inch Phillips head screw driver, for which HUD duly recorded and approved a purchase value of $2200, as my contribution to fulfill the Presidential Election Fund option on Form 1040. It has been a pleasure to pay my taxes this year and I look forward to paying them again next year in accordance with officially established government values.

Another satisfied American taxpayer.

That's it for today my little overtaxed and underpaid pals. Have a great and safe weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Are You Sure I Sent You That Email Twice?

My sister Jeanne tells me I sometimes send her the same email twice. In fact, I don't remember doing that but she enclosed a list for me to post on my computer screen to remind me of some of the email errors I make.

1. You send me the same e-mail twice.
2. You send me blank e-mail.
3. You send e-mails meant for other people.
4. You send e-mail back to me after I've sent it to you.
5. You forget to attach attachments.
6. You hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.

Memory is a funny thing and my memory isn't quite what it used to be. In a brief moment of clarity, I've come up with a list of some of my current thoughts on life.

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
7. If all is not lost, where is it?
8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
1. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
2. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
3. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
4. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
6. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
6. The world beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
7. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
8. When I'm holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
8. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
9. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
2. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
2. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

I've spoken to a lot of my lady friends and they seem to agree with sister Jeanne's opinion of my memory, especially when it comes to showing up on time. See for yourself.

Possum S. Hemmingway has created a feature called Pets Of The Week which will feature pictures of your pets and other journalist's pets as well and will be posted on Fridays. If you have any pet pictures, be they spur of the moment , posed, funny or just plain cute, please email them to me at and I'll make sure he gets them. For more information, read Shithead's post (What did you think the "S" was for). Possum's Journal:

This Date In History: 814; Charlemagne, King of the Franks 768–814 and Holy Roman Emperor 800–814, who united much of western Europe under his rule, dies in Aachen. 1813; Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen is published for the first time.

1866; Scottish explorer David Livingstone embarks on his final expedition in Africa to establish the true source of the Nile. All outside contact with him is lost after he reaches Lake Tanganyika. 1986; The space shuttle Challenger explodes 73 seconds after lift-off at Kennedy Space Center in Florida.

Picture Of The Day: Ok, maybe my memory is not as good as it used to be but my eyes and health make up for it. I still go out and have fun and I remember everything. I also still go out and have fun and I remember everything.

Birthdays: Henry VII (1457-1509), first Tudor King of England (1485-1509) 1457, Anna Ivanovna, Russian empress 1693, Charles George Gordon, British general and colonial administrator 1833, Henry Stanley, Welsh-born US newspaper correspondent and explorer 1841, Jackson Pollock, American artist 1912.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming A bear walks into a bar an says to the bartender, "I would like a bourbon and...... a coke." The bar tender says "What's up with the big pause?" The bear said "I've had them all my life."

A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

A blonde and a guy are in a bar are watching the TV. There is a news report about a man who threatens to jump off a 5 story building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars. The guy at the bar says to the blonde, "I bet you 50 bucks the guy jumps". The blonde takes the bet, and the guy on the TV ends up jumping. The blonde hands over the $50, but the guy gives it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing. The blonde says "Well I saw it too but I didn't think he would jump again."

That's it for today my little poppy seeds. More On Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, January 26, 2009

When You're Talking About Cut-Backs, Leave My Stuff Alone !

Ok, I understand that the national budget needs to be trimmed, especially with the anointed one posed to spend up to one trillion dollars for such things as contraceptives and other unintelligent plans. I also understand that businesses and corporations are trying to downsize and co-operate in streamlining their operations in order to survive.

There are, however, certain areas which should be left alone. Are we going to make a compact space shuttle? How about the police? Put them all on bicycles and give them slingshots? Chocolates, ice cream, and potato chips, for example, should not be downsized or reduced in number. As it is when you buy a bag of potato chips, half the damned bag is air anyway. If they reduce them any more it'll be down to one chip and a bag full of aroma.

They're talking about making cutbacks at NASCAR races, which I enjoy following. What are the going to do...race compact cars? Or worse, electric cars? What are we going to do if there's cutbacks in the airforce? No, there's just some things that you have to leave alone.

The Cat's Ass Trophy (CAT) Award had only one nominee which was made by my pal, Garnett. He nominated Marcelino de Jesus Martinez, 36 who was arrested for arranging for his 14-year-old daughter to marry a neighbor in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat. This nomination is a no-brainer and receives the CAT Award. Martinez is a living example of why idiots should not be allowed to procreate.

This Date In History: 1788; The First Fleet sales into Sydney Harbour—commemorated as Australia Day. 1885; The forces of the Mahdi finally take Khartoum after a prolonged siege. General Gordon is killed in the attack. 1905; The world's largest diamond is found near Pretoria, South Africa. 1950; India formally becomes a republic, three years after gaining independence from Great Britain.

Picture Of The Day: Downsizing is a way to reduce costs and keep a business afloat, but there's a line that should be drawn when it cones to somethings. I mean, how in the hell am I supposed to perform when they shorten the neck on my guitar? What's next, a piano keyboard with 44 keys? Are they going to replace the harmonica with a kazoo?

Birthdays: Douglas MacArthur, general 1880, Stephane Grappelli, French jazz violinist 1908, Paul Newman, American actor, businessman, and philanthropist, who won an Academy Award for his role in The Color of Money 1925, Nicolae Ceaušescu, Romanian president 1918, Jacqueline du Pré, British cellist 1945.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding.

Suddenly, a cop, radar gun in hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?" Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?" The cop said, "67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone! That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!" The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?" Bob replied, "I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The cop said, "What did you say, boy?" Bob said, "I'm a rectum stretcher!" The cop asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house and stretch it apart until it's a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?" Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.?" The old man replies, Yes, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together and we were probably naked as jaybirds." The old woman snickers, "Should we get naked again for old time's sake?"

So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. The old woman say, "You know, my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." The old man replies, I'm not surprised. One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

That's it for today my little scrambled eggs. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, January 23, 2009

It's Friday And I'm Heading To AREA 51 On A Wing And A Prayer !

In my journeys around the Internet searching for pictures, I ran across this excellent graphic and the artist's interpretation (aptly named "A Gentle Hand") of the emergency landing of the U.S. Airways jet on the Hudson River. Of the many descriptions and thoughts of many people, I think this picture paints my innermost thoughts and feelings about the capable Captain C.B. "Sully" Sullenberger and the powers above that allowed the 150 passengers and 5 crew members to land safely without injuries. Of course, anyone nicknamed "Sully" would obviously have many redeeming qualities.

Tax time looms on the horizon and this should be an interesting year. President Obama is bent and determined to give as much money away as he can, yet some one's going to have to come up with the funds to pay for the giveaways. I have a gut feeling it won't be the welfare recipients and I'm relatively sure the wealthy have already come up with a plan to avoid the coming new taxes, so guess who's going to pay?

It seems reasonable to me the everyone who voted for Obama will be more than willing to pay their share of the probable coming tax increases, but methinks they're either recipients of the giveaways or don't make enough to make a dent in the new tax burden.

Today's Friday and if all goes well, I'll be heading to AREA 51 for a little rest and recreation. The ankle and foot is better although I'm not quite 100%. It's been too long since I was out and about and I'm looking forward to hanging out with my pals tonight. The recent changes in Lakes Cafe and Sports Bar are not really meeting my expectations and the karaoke show is one of the areas that need improvement, not in talent but in management. We'll see what the evening brings.

This picture has nothing to do with today's entry, but it has a special meaning for me. As a child, I could not stand vegetables, especially asparagus and broccoli. I still abhor asparagus and even more so when served with the dreaded liver. The mere thought of that combination which I had to eat as a child sent shivers up my spine.

Thankfully, I taught my trusty dog Beanie to catch food in mid-air and when Dad wasn't looking, I'd toss a piece of liver to my dog. Of course, the next tidbit I'd toss Beanie was a piece of asparagus, which he downed with one gulp, without chewing. Then he'd make a face that he often made when Dad happened to pass gas near him (L-R Jimmy, Beanie and my brother Kirt).

It would take a while to coax him back to my side and when he came, I'd give him another piece of liver. Not being very bright, he'd fall for the old "asparagus toss" once again, and this went on until my plate was clean, a requisite that my father always enforced. Since that time, I've learned to enjoy broccoli very much and I ofttimes prepare it for dinner. This picture sort of brought back those memories.

The Cat's Ass Trophy (Cat) Award has one nominee this week thus far. Garnett nominated Marcelino de Jesus Martinez, 36 who was arrested for arranging for his 14-year-old daughter to marry a neighbor in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat. Remember that anyone may make a nomination for this week's CAT Award and nominations are open until Monday at 12:00 noon.

This Date In History: 1845; The United States Congress decrees the first Tuesday after the first Monday of November to be the universal election day for presidential elections. 1924; Ramsay MacDonald becomes prime minister as leader of the first Labour government.

1960; Swiss engineer Jacques Piccard and US Navy lieutenant Don Walsh descend into the bottom of Challenger Deep (35,810 ft), setting a new undersea record. 1968; United States relations with North Korea are strained after North Korean gunboats seize the crew of the US Navy intelligence ship Pueblo after it had allegedly strayed into North Korean waters.

1973; President Nixon announces over nationwide television that agreement on all terms for a formal ceasefire in Vietnam have finally been reached. 1989; Spanish surrealist painter Salvador Dalí dies.

Picture Of The Day: Captain C. B. "Sully" Sullenberger did a masterful job in making his emergency landing of a U. S. World Airways jet into the icy Hudson River. At a time when a news flash involving the crash of a commercial jetliner usually spells tragedy, the thought that miracles can happen is a soothing thought.

Birthdays: Édouard Manet, French painter 1832, Jeanne Moreau, French actor 1928, Humphrey Bogart, actor 1899, Derek Walcott, West Indian poet and nobel laureate 1930.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming My thanks to my pal Garnett for his contribution to today's stories.

A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.

Then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." St. Peter replies, "So be it," and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count' St. Peter?" St. Peter says, "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." The second Priest says, "In that case, I've always wanted to be a stud."

A week goes by, the computer is fixed and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. The Lord asks, "Will you have any trouble locating them?" St. Peter says, The first one should be easy. He's somewhere over the Rockies flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

The Lord asketh, "Why?" St. Peter says, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

That's it for today, my little Cauli Flowers. Have a great and safe weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The Magical Sounds Of The Ice Cream Man

My thoughts today turned to ice cream when, for no apparent reason, I purchased a Ben and Jerry's "Cherry Garcia" ice cream bar while at the local Al-Qaeda convenience store. After paying Achmed, I was walking home and memories of ice cream back in the day permeated my mind. Of course, the quality wasn't remotely close to today's standards, but we didn't know the difference anyway.

We purchased ice cream and resorted to ice milk, when money was tight. Most people today don't know what ice milk is but suffice to say it was the equivalent of making Popsicles by freezing coolade in an ice tray and and adding toothpicks. Ice cream came in mainly three flavors...vanilla, chocolate and strawberry. Pecan and Pistachio were considered to be exotic. As a treat, my parents sometimes purchased Neapolitan, which was all three flavors in a one gallon brick, divided by color.

Once a day, at the same hour, the ice cream man would come down the street. He was either on a bicycle cart or a truck, but he was there daily, like clockwork. Although in those days, the majority of the ice cream men were on a bicycle cart, sometimes it was the Good Humor Truck or an independent seller. The amazing thing was that although you couldn't hear your mother telling you not to do something, the ice cream man's bell could be heard from five miles away.

As soon as you heard the jingle of the bell, you immediately went dashing toward the street, only to stop half-way when you remembered that you didn't bring your money. Some of the kids, with mothers who had a warped sense of humor, were forced to pull out their hankerchiefs (yes, we all carried hankerchiefs) and attempt to untie that Nazi knot which protected and safe-guarded your coins. Fortunately, many of us carried pocket knives and many a hankerchief was sent to hankerchief heaven after having being cut open to retrieve the coins.

We didn't seem to have a variety of choices, but the favorite was the popsicle because you could break it in half and trade flavors with your pals. That is, of course, if you could break it correctly, meaning vertically. If you broke it horizontally, trades were out of the question and you were reduced to eating the top half without a stick.

The Good Humor Man was a pleasant upgrade to ice cream and the varieties were much more appealing. The price was higher, but the quality made it worth it. As time passed, ice cream got even better and some of today's brands are downright addictive. Haagen Dazs, Ben and Jerry's (Rocky Road) and Breyers make some of the best ice cream imaginable.

All in all, my mind still returns to those days of innocence when a bunch of five and six year old kids ran out to meet the ice cream man on his bicycle mounted cart. This brings me to: Today's Question: What is your favorite ice cream?

The Cat's Ass Trophy (CAT) Award has no nominees this week. Look under rocks, my little sleuths, and see what you can find. There's bound to be a deserving idiot out there somewhere. Nominations are open until 12:00 noon on Monday.

It's Hump Day, we've got a new president which means things will be better in six days, so let's go to AREA 51 and celebrate. My ankle and foot feel better but I'm not sure if I'll go out tonight or wait until Friday. One thing for sure is that I've got cabin fever. One thing that I have been meaning to ask is that do you have a special AREA 51 that you go to?

This Date In History: 1793; Louis XVI is executed by guillotine for treason. 1924; Soviet leader Vladimir Lenin dies aged 54. 1954; The first nuclear-powered submarine, the Nautilus, is launched by the United States at Groton, Connecticut. It is also the largest submarine, at 319 ft long.

1966; Beatle George Harrison and Patricia Ann Boyd marry after meeting on the set of A Hard Day's Night. 1976; The first Concordes simultaneously take flight from London and Paris, with commercial passengers onboard.

Picture Of The Day: Ice Cream, what else? I searched around to see what ice cream pics I could come up with. The Popsicle brand has been around for years and it's not the most exotic brand around but it certainly evokes my most pleasant memories. That is, except for the time that the top of my ice cream broke off, fell on the floor and my dog ate it. The dog was pleasantly surprised at his good fortune and I have to admit I did laugh about it.....about three days later.

Birthdays: Ethan Allen, patriot of the American Revolution 1738, Stonewall Jackson, American soldier, considered by military authorities an outstanding leader, a skilled tactician, and one of the ablest Confederate commanders during the American Civil War 1824, Christian Dior, French couturier 1905, Plácido Domingo, Spanish tenor 1941.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?" Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka." The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?" The bartender replied, "It's a Pabst Smir."

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no toilet paper on this side either".

The divorce court judge said, "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." Mr. Clark replied, "That's very fair, your honor and every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself!".

That's it for today my little Tutti Frutti's. Have a great Hump Day and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, January 19, 2009

A Frustrating Weekend and A Balky Computer Connection - I'm Gonna Smash It !

It's amazing how grumpy one can become when confined to an easy chair with one's foot propped up. Instead of partying this weekend in AREA 51, I spent the majority of my weekend watching TV and trying to maintain what little sanity I have. I tried to limit getting up to do necessary duties to save the stress, wear and tear on my foot and ankle. Unfortunately, when you're a charter member of the Old Timer's Club, trips to the kitchen are usually more numerous as, once I get to the kitchen, my mission and purpose suddenly eludes me. This is, of course, is until I return to my chair at which time, like a vision from God, my memory returns. It's sort of like when your cable television goes out for a few minutes.

The television was my babysitter and the first thing I noticed was a plethora of con men, swindlers and thieves flooding the commercial markets. I guess the recession is affecting them as well and they were out and about in numbers. The ever annoying Billy Mays seemed to be on every other commercial hawking anything and everything his shrill, pathetic, monosyllabic voice could attest to.

The newest variation of the "only $19.95" scam finds Vince, the dimwit who markets "Sham Wow" and resembles Popeye on crack, pushing a new product. It's called "Slap Chop" which ostensibly slices, dices and cuts anything by simply putting a helpless tomato or potato under a plastic doo-dad with built in knives, and hitting the button on top several times. This product is for the people who have not yet mastered using a kitchen knife (or walking or pouring coffee...).

The variation is that the new price is $24.95, probably setting a new trend and price level for all the "only $19.95" products. This is easily understandable as most companies are either downsizing the size of their products while keeping the same price or just simply raising prices. But wait! also get the "Graty" which grates cheese and fruits, absolutely free (except for the fact that they raised the total price by $5.00). As Vince says, "You've gotta order now because we can't sell at prices like this all day" (true, but you can offer it for ten to twenty minutes every day).

This great value can be yours for "only $24.95" plus shipping and handling (usually $7-8 dollars, which for the same price, you can ship and handle a hammer which can be used to hit yourself in the head for being so stupid as to purchase this garbage).

Here are the actual terms taken from the website: "Today you can get the Slap Chop for $24.95 plus $7.95 shipping and handling and as a special bonus you'll also receive the Graty for cheese, you just pay a separate $5.00 processing fee." Such a deal !

Tomorrow is the inauguration of president-elect Barack Hussein Obama and despite any differences I have with his candidacy, I respect the office of the president and wish him a successful term as President of the United States. As it has been said many times, we all may belong to different parties and have different views as to who shall lead this nation and how he or she will lead it, but the fact remains, after all, that we are all Americans.

That fact notwithstanding, I took potshots at George Dubya Bush during his presidency for stupid moves and statements and, being an equal opportunity critic, I shall take potshots at President Obama as well. For that matter, I will continue to take shots at anything or anybody that deserves it in the world according to Jimmy.

Today's entry may or may not have pictures as my Comcast connection seems to come and go. The technician is supposed to come Tuesday morning and hopefully the problem will be resolved. As it stands now, I'm able to type but I don't know if the pictures will upload using dial-up. We'll see. In the interim, I will make today's entry uncharacteristically early and then I'm going to shoot my modem!

Two new songs on my playlist: "New York State of Mind" by Billy Joel and "Harlem Nocturne" by Me; Torme. Remember you can select the song you'd like to hear by simply clicking it. I hope you enjoy the new additions.

This Date In History: 1840; United States explorer Charles Wilkes claims part of Antarctica for the United States. 1937; On this day in 1937, Howard Hughes flew from Los Angeles to Newark, New Jersey, in 7 hours and 28 minutes, setting a new transcontinental flight speed record. 1983; Klaus Barbie, Nazi German SS officer, known as “the Butcher of Lyons”, is arrested in Bolivia. 1966; Indira Gandhi, daughter of Jawaharlal Nehru, becomes prime minister of India.

Picture Of The Day: It's pretty clear that president-elect Obama has a tough row to hoe in his coming term in office and we will certainly need him to implement his campaign promises and make them a reality. According to Dell Comics, this task has been done in the past and I know for a fact that Dell Comics would never say something that wasn't true. Here's hoping for a better 2009.

Birthdays: My sister, Jeanne. Happy Birthday Sis! 19XX, My pal, Alfonso 19XX, James Watt, inventor 1736, Robert E. Lee, Confederate general 1807, Edgar Allan Poe, American writer, known as a poet and critic but most famous as the first master of the short story form, especially tales of the mysterious and macabre 1809, Paul Cézanne, French Post-Impressionist painter 1839, Janis Joplin, singer 1943, Dolly Parton, singer 1946.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

The doctor said, "On a woman, the heart would be just below the left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

A 91-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof, the light goes off." The doctor says, "Wow, that's incredible."

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife and says, "Ethel, George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done poof, the light goes out?" Ethel exclaims. "Oh hell, He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" The little old man replied, "No, arthritis."

That's it for today my little carrot cakes. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, January 16, 2009

Another Weekend On Injured Reserve !

Have you ever had an itch in that very special place on your back that is impossible to reach? When God created Earth and mankind, I'd like to think that there must have been times during that hectic work week that he had mental lapses. I mean, six days straight days of non-stop work, he must have gotten a bit giddy at times. After all, he did create the platypus, a creature that is a mammal, has a duck-like bill, webbed feet and lays eggs! Think about it!

I'm relatively sure God had a "platypus lapse" when he made that area of the human body. Obviously no foresight was involved as to future accessibility and maintenance. Located between and just below the shoulder blades and teasingly above the small of the back, this area is the spawning area for terrorist itches. Much like the remote mountains of Pakistan where terrorists find safe haven, this is where the itches flee to while trying to escape the ever aggressive assault of attacking fingernails.

Thoughts like these came into my head today as I struggled to reach an itch that had been bothering me all morning. At first, I kind of awkwardly reached for it and managed to get to the edge of the itch and derive a minor amount of relief. Being a creative person, I then tried to get closer to the stubborn area by reaching for it with one arm and pushing my elbow with the hand of the other arm. This worked better but, again, I was unable to reach the center of the itch. As one well knows, you have to get to the center to completely relieve the itch.

Normally, this area is easily reachable by using a back scratcher, but I divorced the old one and none of the new ones were available. Finally, I used an old trick which I discovered years ago. I used the roller brush normally used when blow drying one's hair to eradicate the terrorist itch.

There will be no journey to AREA 51 this evening. I went out on Hump Day and spent a relatively short time having a few drinks with my pals and enjoying the evening. Armed with a few Advils, I spent the evening free of pain but Thursday morning the swelling and pain returned, an obvious sign that it was too much, too soon. So, this evening I will once more be assigned to the bench and be forced to watch the games from the sidelines. Well, at least the NFL playoffs are on this weekend.

On a personal note, I am way behind in my visits to my fellow journalist friends and I'm trying to catch up. I am hopeful to be caught up by this weekend, so expect a visit.

This Date In History: 1547; Ivan the Terrible is crowned tsar of Russia. 1804: French physicist Joseph Louis Gay-Lussac ascends to a height of 7,016 m (23,018 ft) in a hydrogen balloon, a record that lasted 50 years. 1909; Ernest Shackleton's expedition reaches the magnetic South Pole.

1910; The Hawaiian monarch Queen Liliuokalani (Lily-you-kah-lani) abdicates the throne as pressure from white sugar planters and businessmen intensifies. Her sister, Princess Kamoniwanalayu (Come-on-eye-wanna-lay-you), was the head master at the missionary. She was a unanimous choice by businessmen, but decided to remain in the missionary position.

1920; Prohibition, the legal ban on the manufacture and sale of intoxicating drink, goes into effect. 1979; Muhammad Reza Shah Pahlavi, the shah of Iran, flees to exile.

Picture Of The Day George Dubya Bush gave his farewell address to the nation for the last time yesterday paving the way for the anointed one's inauguration next Tuesday. I guess it's been easy to laugh at such an easy target, especially with his "Bushisms", but I don't think I would want his job. Nevertheless, the Bush era is over and we have a new president and potentially new fodder for humor in the form of Barack H. Obama. It won't be any easier for the new "Prez" so let's see what happens. My only hope is that he doesn't put security bars on the White House windows.

Birthdays: Ian Hamilton, British general 1853, Fulgencio Batista, Cuban leader 1901, Eduardo Frei Montalvo, Chilean statesman 1911, Susan Sontag, American writer 1933.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

One winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through. "So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another. Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?" The voice replied, "No, this is the Ice Skating Rink Manager."

That's it for today my little chickadees. Have a safe and great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay tuned !

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

How's Your Hump Day ?

It's Hump Day already and I think I'm ready to head to AREA 51 and see what's going on. My ankle and foot are still giving me a little pain, but a couple of Advils should resolve that problem. I guess my only real concern is that if one of the ladies step on my foot, but since it's usually in my mouth, there's not much chance of that.

I was listening to the news today and I saw a news item where a group of people were staging a hunger strike to protest some dimwit cause. As I watched the report, I listened to the protesters stating their cause (I believe it save the woodchucks or some idiotic equivalent). The reporter ended the interview stating that he hoped the protesters would fare well and feared for their health.

I believe everyone has the right to protest, but I question the intelligence of people who go on a hunger strike. My first lesson in stupid ways of protest was was when my younger brother Kirt told my father that if he couldn't go out to play, he would hold his breath until he died. My father's response was "knock yourself out."

I recall seeing a story of prisoners in a Miami jail who also went on a hunger strike protesting the food that they were being served. It seemed that the inmates thought that their food should have more options including steak and seafood. My reaction was that if a lot of honest working people couldn't afford steak or seafood, these cockroaches of society deserved no better.

When interviewed by local television stations about the hunger strike, a reporter asked the superintendent of the guards how he would respond to the inmate's strike. The superintendent responded, "I told them Ok, go ahead and strike!" Three days later, the prisoners ended their strike and the first meal that they received, personally approved by the superintendent, was boiled hot dogs and beans. Bon appetite, my little street monkeys.

This Date In History: 1784; The Treaty of Paris is ratified by the United States Congress to end the American War of Independence. 1943; The Casablanca Conference between Britain and the United States begins. 1954; Marilyn Monroe marries baseball star Joe DiMaggio. 2002; Britain is declared free of foot-and-mouth disease after suffering one of its worst outbreaks.

Picture Of The Day: I decided that I'd go into my portfolio and show you some of my favorite pictures today. They have nothing to do with the subject matter of today's entry, but that's just me. My pal Nancy calls me eclectic and she's edjumacated so I guess that's true.

Birthdays: Benedict Arnold, military leader 1741, Matthew Fontaine Maury, oceanographer 1806, Albert Schweitzer, German theologian, philosopher, musicologist, medical missionary, and Nobel laureate 1875, Hal Roach, film producer 1892, Cecil Beaton, British theatrical designer 1904.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Tommy, the little kindergarten pupil, told the teacher he found a cat, but it was dead. The teacher said, "How did you know it was dead?" Little Tommy replied, "Because I pissed in its ear." Flabbergasted, the teacher said, "You Did What!?" Tommy continued, "You know, I leaned over and said 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

The fire fighter says, "That sure is a nice fire truck." The little boy says, "Thanks." As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. The fire fighter says, "Little partner, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren." That's it for today my little pedal pushers. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, January 12, 2009

Some Of These Politicians Need To Be Slapped Upside The Head !

I had to be placed on injured reserved for Friday night's regular trek to AREA 51. I really wanted to go out, but my left ankle was killing me, so I had to sit the game out. I guess I probably could have gone, but every time I do something like that, there's hell to pay the next day. At any rate, I'm nursing my injury and hopefully, I'll be ready to play by game time for Hump Day.

I'm following the adventures of potential junior senator Roland Burris and his bid to represent the politically pristine state of Illinois. One thing that amuses me is his ego. Mr. Burris has prepared a mausoleum for his final resting place and it has his complete resume etched into the walls. I'm not sure that God reads resumes, but perhaps it's Burris' version of an NFL end zone dance.

Politics 2009: The elections are over and now all the politician's real personalities and their campaign promises are beginning to take their true form. Beginning with the "Anointed One", Barack Obama is now being quoted that "not all of the promises' he made will come to pass, at least for right now. If you're guessing if the question about "middle class tax cuts" is included, you'll be pleased to know that that's the first promise that will not happen.

As for John McCain, some of his most recent interviews make me think he'll soon be ready for the home for old politicians. In his
last few appearances on some of the television shows, he seems to be doddering and a step behind. In the interim, his vice-presidential running mate, Sarah Palin, has spoken out about the biased media, anti-feminists and even the John McCain political team.

I have always disliked politicians and attorneys for the simple fact that they're liars and thieves. Every politician will promise you the world in exchange for your vote and the voters seem to believe them every election. When Barack Obama promised tax cuts for 95% of the population, I wondered how the other 5% would pay for that. According to what I learned in economics, that is a mathematical impossibility. Be that as it may, here we are in 2009 and I expect to see some shucking and jiving from all the political promises made by both parties.

Speaking of thieves, why in hell is Wall Street financier and Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff not in jail? After being arrested for bilking investors out of over 50 billion dollars and placed on bail in his 7 million dollar New York City penthouse apartment, he mailed over 1 million dollars in jewelry to friends and relatives around the world. After learning about this, the judge still let him remain "confined" to his apartment. Am I missing something here? Moreover, why hasn't someone shot the son-of-a-bitch?

This Date In History: 1895; The National Trust is founded by Octavia Hill. 1942; The Wannsee Conference determines upon the Final Solution. 1976; Dame Agatha Christie, prolific writer of mystery stories, dies in Wallingford, England, at age 85. 1997; HAL, the computer in Stanley Kubrick's movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, informs the crew that he was built on this day. 1991; The US Congress authorizes the use of military force against Iraq.

Picture Of The Day: Pride goeth before the fall? I'm not sure and resumes are a necessary part of life, but there are a few places that they just don't belong. I wonder if Roland Burris has this monument in his bedroom, as well?

My other selections for today correspond to the numerous thieves and con men who seem to be setting a trend in imagination for bilking the public. It only seems fitting that a bounty be put on the heads of these scumbags and start a new trend...steal from us and we'll simply kill you! I wonder if that would send a message?

Birthdays: Charles Perrault, poet and storyteller 1628, Edmund Burke, British statesman and orator 1729, American writer, whose work combines powerful realism and humanitarian sentiment 1876, Hermann Göring, Nazi leader 1893.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies, "The piano player". The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?" The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum it I'll try to play it."

A guy has problems to obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so he approves the surgery.

The doctor performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

That's it for today my little kid knee beans. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !