Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep - Maybe, Maybe Not

I am not a person who goes to church often but I pray to God every day in my own way. Recently, Brother Kirt sent me poetic prayers which were individually written by a man and a woman. The prayers were written on the theme, "What Do You Look For In Choosing A Spouse." I was so touched by these prayers, that I thought that I would share them with you.

The woman wrote: Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's rich and self-employed, and when I spend, won't be annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other and relish visits with my mother.

The man wrote: I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

The News As I See It: Miss Mexico is the new Miss Universe, and today begins a grueling year of waving. There was a big controversy in the contest. Miss Iran was disqualified for enriching uranium.

President Obozo is on vacation again. This is his sixth vacation. He’ll have plenty of time for vacations when his one term is up. Obozo could not wait to get on vacation. As soon as the plane landed, he grabbed a couple beers and slid down the emergency slide.

Osama bin Laden’s personal chef was arrested. His famous dish is Linguini al-Qaida.

This Date In History: 1916; The United States National Park Service is created. 1932; Amelia Earhart completes transcontinental flight. 1944; Paris is taken by the Allies. General De Gaulle re-establishes a presence in the capital. 2009; Edward "Ted" Kennedy, who served as a Democratic senator from Massachusetts since 1962, dies. He was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor in 2008.

Picture Of The Day: It seems everyone and every animal has his own way of giving thanks. I kinda liked the little dogs saying grace so I threw it in with today's eclectic pictures.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When you cross a godfather with a lawyer you get an offer you can't understand. 2) Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. 3) If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. 4) My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 5) When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it's $3.99 a minute (or so I'm told).....and that's five !

Birthdays: Allan Pinkerton, detective 1819, Sir Hans Adolf Krebs, biochemist 1900, Leonard Bernstein, American composer, conductor, and pianist 1918, George Wallace, governor 1919, Althea Gibson, tennis player 1927, Sean Connery, actor 1930, Regis Philbin, TV personality 1934, Tim Burton, director 1958.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. The Don says, "Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." His grandson says,"But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. "

The old Don says, "You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What do you do then? Point to your watch and say 'Times up?'"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my ex-wife Susie for her contribution to today's stories.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The Farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a man would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'I can't, he's all booked up for the year.'"

The explanation of life: On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of ten years." On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I will give you a twenty-year life span."

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of forty years." On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? You gave the dog ten years, the monkey twenty years, and the cow forty years. Since I have to take care of these creatures, I should have lives equal to theirs plus my twenty, right?" God said, Okay, you asked for it and so it shall be."

This is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. This has been a public service of Jimmy's Journal.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".

That's it for today my little fur balls. Remember, the best things in life are free, but unfortunately that's not the way the law sees it. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and maybe a little Karaoke. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said...

Life was finally explained to me by Jimmy's Journal!

Thanks Darling!

Hugs, Rose

Senorita said...

It's always amusing how men and women differ in their wishes.

Funny post !

jack69 said...

Got a friend who wants to sign up for the mule!

Thanks for the laughs!!! Especially the toilet paper!!

jack & Sherry In Colorado Springs, trying to qualify for the Academy.

Joann said...

Always a pleasure stopping by here... LOL!!!

Paula said...

I like that part in the prayer about massaging feet. I could marry a man who would do that.