Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Kitty, Kitty, Kitty !

I have always loved animals and over the years, I've had quite a few. Although I've mostly had cats and dogs, during the years when the children were small, we also had a variety other pets including parakeets, parrots, finches, hamsters, turtles and fish. That said, personally, at this time in my life, I would rather have a cat.

I adore dogs and as a boy and younger man, I have had several, all beloved and now in doggie heaven. Then again, in those days, I had a house with a nice back yard. When the dogs needed to attend to their business, my sole function was to get up from my recliner and open the sliding glass door.

Today, the kids are grown, I'm single and my cat and beloved friend is Possum S. Hemmingway. Most of you already know what the middle initial "S" stands for but for the unknowing, it stands for "Shithead," an endearing term I use to refer to him when he makes me up too early or makes me angry. In my defense for using such a name for Possum, I assure you that he calls me names as well. I don't speak Catonese very well, but I'm pretty sure that they're bad words.

In either case, Possum and I get along fine and I don't have to get up at 4 am to take him for a duty call. He, in turn, likes all of my lady friends, makes his appearance when necessary and disappears when necessary. He also doesn't hump legs (a habit that I've been trying to break as well).

One thing I've never understood is why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

All things considered, I'm content with my pal, Possum and he puts up with me, as well. Probably the most important thought is that I've never really trusted anyone who doesn't love animals, but, that's just me.....

The News As I See It: Nancy Pelosi said that when it comes to cleaning up government, the Democrats have drained the swamp. The only problem with that is what’s left after you drain the swamp: snakes everywhere.

It has been reported that $8.7 billion of our money has gone missing in Iraq. I didn’t even know they had a Goldman Sachs over there.

A man in Ohio was arrested for pushing his kids in a stroller while he was drunk. Police could tell the man was drunk because his kids are in their late 20s. A 113 year-old-woman who is the oldest person in Tokyo has gone missing. Did anybody check heaven?

This Date In History: 1735; Printer John Peter Zenger, defended by Andrew Hamilton, was acquitted of libel in a case that helped foster freedom of the press. 1884; Thomas Stevens became the first person to bicycle across the United States. He later bicycled around the world. 1892; Lizzie Borden's father and stepmother were killed with an axe in Fall River, Mass.

1914; Germany invaded Belgium and, in response, Britain declared war on Germany. 1916; Denmark ceded the Danish West Indies, including the Danish Virgin Islands, to the United States for $25 million. 1944; Anne Frank and her family were found hiding in Amsterdam by Nazis.

1964; The bodies of three civil-rights workers were found in an earthen dam, six weeks into a federal investigation backed by President Johnson 1977; President Carter signed a congressional act that established the Department of Energy.

Picture Of The Day: The theme for today was born by the morning weather as it was raining and my cat was whining that he needed food. When I finally got out of bed and went into the kitchen, he had food in his dish. He sat patiently beside his dish and looked up to see if I was adding new food to the bowl. You see, Mr. Hemmingway requires old food to be "refreshed" with a dash of new food in order to eat.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Veni, vidi, vici: I came, I saw, I conquered. Volvo, video, velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around. 2) Never play leapfrog with a rhinoceros. 3) I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. 4) By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong. 5) To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential......and that's five !

Birthdays: Percy Bysshe Shelley, poet 1792, Russell Sage, financier 1815, Louis Armstrong, American jazz trumpet virtuoso, singer, and bandleader 1901, Raoul Wallenberg, diplomat 1912, Robert Hayden poet 1913, Helen Thomas correspondent 1920, Billy Bob Thornton actor, screenwriter 1955, Roger Clemens baseball player 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

An old man was walking in the street when a voice said, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked, "Where are you? Who are you?" The voice said, "I am your guardian angel." The old man said, "Oh yeah? And where the hell were you when I got married?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would come in with him and be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed screwing another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money."

She continued, "He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Green Bay Packer season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold!"

The Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. The first little piggy said, "I would like a Sprite." The second little piggy said, "I would like a coke." The third little piggy said, "I'll have a beer."

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. The first little piggy said, "I'll have a nice big steak." The second little piggy said, "I would like the salad plate." The third little piggy said, "I want a, make that two beers." The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

The first little piggy said, "I want a banana split." The second little piggy said, "I'll have a piece of cheesecake." The third little piggy said, "Give me another beer." The waiter said to the third little piggy, "Pardon me for asking, but why have you only ordered beer all evening?" The third little piggy said, "Hey, somebody has to go, 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" The young man said, "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks."

The Pastor asked, "What happened?" The young man said, "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."The pastor said, "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church." The young man said, "That's okay, we're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

On Friday: My new video "Save The Last Dance For Me".

That's it for today my little mud puddles. Remember, people who choose the path less traveled by are ofttimes merely lost. Personally, I'm taking the high road straight to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Hey thanks again for the laughs, I never believed in Guardian angels much anyhow!!!

garnett109 said...

most of my friends are animals

salemslot9 said...

hi Jimmy
glad you and
your Possum are
taking good care
of each other

Paula said...

When my daughter and I get together we sometime like to play name the cats and remember all the cats and their names that we have had over the years. Cats all have their own special personality.

Senorita said...

Happy Hump Day Jimmy ! That's a good observation about women and cats and unfortunately I don't have an answer. Even though I do like cats, I am more of a dog person.

Joann said...

I cracked up at the cabbie and the cheating wife!! LOL!!! I still want a dog, no cats for me!!

Can't wait for Friday's video.... your last one was FANTASTIC!!!

Ally Lifewithally said...

Once again Jimmy thanks for the smiles ~ when I was younger 1 had 5 cats "Ennie Mennie Miney and Mo
and my special boy Fur Ball" can you guess why :o) Looking forward to Friday" Ally x

Julie said...

my son's cat won't eat until he adds more to the bowel also, cat's are strange, LOL

kbear said...

I may trade my dogs for a cat one day, once they're in doggie heaven..only time will tell

Coelha :B said...

LOL...cute story about the 3 little piggies!! Cats are easy--unfortunately my husband is allergic to cat hair, and if we had a dog, it would have to be a little dog, and husband likes BIG manly dogs.. Oh well..we might get fish. :) Julie