Monday, August 2, 2010

Food For Thought (and other unmentionable issues)

I'm preparing blackened snapper with wild rice and salad for dinner this evening but before I start dinner, there's one thing I have to get off my chest. I think the person who developed Saran wrap or Glad wrap or whatever the hell it's called is sick and demented. I've purchased every brand that exists and no matter what I do, the damned crap sticks together the minute I tear it off and I end up with a big wad of plastic.

The problem is that I use it to wrap meats and fish before wrapping them in aluminum foil for freezing, so I'm forced to fight with each sheet, mano a mano, as I prepare my different meats for the freezer. Other than that, I see no real use for the stupid product.

Yeah, I know, there are certain brands that claim not to cling while using them, but those same brands are the same ones that fall off the top of the salad bowl that I've just prepared and covered for dinner later in the evening.

When it gets down to it, the only real use for see through plastic is for women's blouses or (even better), a Mazola party. That's when you take a large roll of plastic, lay it out on the floor and smear it with Mazola oil. Then you get naked with your lady and play "slip and slide.". Kinda kinky, huh?

The News As I See It: Charlie Rangel has reportedly struck a deal with the ethics panel. You know what that means. It’s time to start investigating the ethics panel. In the interim, less than a week after Charlie Rangel was formally charged, Maxine Waters has also been accused of violating House rules. I'm sure they both "hope" for "changes."

New York City has declared war on bed bugs. Apparently, it’s a huge problem there. I guess the reason New York City is infested with bed bugs is that most of the bugs don’t want to live in New Jersey.

Lindsay Lohan has been released from jail after serving 13 full days of her 90-day sentence for violating her probation stemming from a 2007 DUI. I guess they had to make room for Snooki from "Jersey Shore." Speaking of New Jersey, they have started using a device to give people advanced warning of lightning. It’s called "thunder."

This Date In History: 1876; Wild Bill Hickok was murdered in Deadwood, S.D. 1909; The first Lincoln penny was issued 1923; Warren G. Harding, the 29th president of the United States, died in San Francisco. 1943; PT-109, a torpedo boat commanded by Lt. John F. Kennedy, was sunk off the Solomon Islands by a Japanese destroyer.

1945; The Potsdam Conference, in which Allied leaders planned the postwar governance of Germany, ended. 1990; The Persian Gulf War broke out when Iraq invaded Kuwait.

Picture Of The Day: Since I was on the subject of food preparation and storage, I thought I'd throw in some mouth watering pictures to highlight my point. This post is making me hungry!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Taurus and she's a Bitch. 2) I always take life with a grain of a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila. 3) There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. 4) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 5) I almost got in a fight one time with a really big guy. He said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.".....and that's five !

Birthdays: Pierre Charles L'Enfant, soldier, engineer, and architect 1754, Elisha Gray, inventor 1835, John Sloan, artist 1871, Myrna Loy, actress 1905, Carroll O'Connor, actor 1922, James Baldwin, novelist 1924, Peter O'Toole, actor 1932, Isabel Allende,Chilean novelist 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Old Bubba shows up at the bar all out of breath so his friend Harry asks him. "What the hell is wrong with you? Bubba says "I've been running from the cops, but I finally lost them" Harry asked, "What the hell did you do?" Bubba replied, "Nothing, I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!" Harry said, "That's not against the law." Bubba said, "That's what I thought, but those guys at Home Depot sure must have thought it was."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Brother Kirt and my pal Victor were both employed by the U.S. Postal Service. This story is for them.

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a five dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge and said, "All of this was just too wonderful for words, but what's the five dollars for?" She said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, "Screw him, give him five dollars. The breakfast was my idea!"

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."

The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! Ok, I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "Ok, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on gas, so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she had locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, the blonde asks the attendant for a coat hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself. She goes outside and begins to jimmy (no relation) the lock.

Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring. The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around. Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "

Authors Note: I am now downloading videos of some of the songs that I sing and record to YouTube. I hope to have one of my recordings on Jimmy's Journal on Wednesday or Friday. Beware.........

That's it for today my little chicklets. Remember, some people cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

I agree about Saran wrap but I like the way it looks over a dish to take somewhere.

Coelha :B said...

Have you seen the movie Green Fried Tomatoes, where Kathy Bates wraps herself up with saran wrap? LOL... :) Cute story about the sheep..

Brother Kirt said...

Thanks Bro for the story. Worst thing about retirement life is your memory fades!! What was that ladies name and address again????

Brother Kirt said...

Worst thing about retirement is that your memory fades. What was that ladies name and address again???

garnett109 said...

Press n seal does the trick

Julie said...

I think I just gained back the weight I lost reading your journal. yummy.

jack69 said...

If this is a dup. delete it.
Forget the saran wrap.

I am just wondering if it is too late to retire as a mailman.