Wednesday, September 22, 2010

By The Way, Did You Know.....

A recent study conducted by the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurt, and shit like that.

Did you know that if you sell your house after 2012 you will pay a 3.8% sales tax on it? That's $3,800 on a $100,000 home etc. When did this happen? It's in the healthcare bill. Under the new health care bill, all real estate transactions will be subject to a 3.8% sales tax The bulk of these new taxes don't kick in until 2013 (presumably after Obozo's re-election).

You can thank Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Obozo and your local Democrat Congressman for this one. If you sell your $400,000 home, there will be a $15,200 tax. This bill is set to screw the retiring generation who often downsize their homes. Is this Hope & Change great or what? Does this make your November 2010 and 2012 votes more important?

General Motors, who was bailed out by the government using our U.S. federal dollars, is now making political contributions to candidates. What's wrong with this picture? Let's see.... Senator Lipschitz votes to bailout GM with our tax dollars and then GM makes a financial contribution to Senator Lipschitz's campaign. That's either immoral or incestuous at best. Hey, is this a great country or what?

President Obozo's aunt, Zeituni Onyango, says she's done nothing wrong by illegally living in the United States for years and is therefore deserving of amnesty. Onyango told a Boston's WBZ news that, "If I come as an immigrant, you have the obligation to make me a citizen."

Onyango described how she came to America in 2000 from her native Kenya, fell ill and was hospitalized. Upon her release, Onyango told WBZ, she was out of money. So rather than return to her homeland, she continued to live in the country in violation of immigration laws.

After stints in a Boston homeless shelter, Onyango was eventually put in public housing and began receiving disability payments. In 2004, an immigration judge ordered her to leave the country, but Onyango remained. Onyango says that she received no help from Obozo as her case was reviewed by Judge Leonard Shapiro, who ruled in May that Onyango could remain in the United States.....Right!

The News As I See It: There are rumors going around that Facebook is building a cell phone. It’s pretty good, except you can only use it to call people you barely remember from high school.

Christine O’Donnell says that she once had a date on a Satanic altar. Hey, who hasn’t? Sarah Palin tweeted a warning to Christine O’Donnell that the national media is seeking her destruction. That is ridiculous. If the media wanted to destroy her, they would just douse her with water.

The Pope met the Queen of England and they both said the same thing to each other - "Nice hat."

A Frenchman named Philippe Croizon with no arms or legs swam across the English Channel in less than 14 hours. In related news, I watched four hours of the Home Shopping Network because I couldn’t find the remote and the TV was over 5 feet away.

In the spoiled celebrity department. an arrest warrant was issued for Lindsay Lohan after she failed a court-ordered drug test. Maybe that’s what she meant when she said she wanted to be "more positive." After pleading guilty to cocaine possession, Paris Hilton was ordered to pay a $2,000 fine, which is what one of her shoes costs.

This Date In History: 1776; Nathan Hale was hanged by the British as a spy during the Revolutionary War. 1789; Congress authorized the office of Postmaster-General. 1792; The French Republic was proclaimed.

1862; President Abraham Lincoln issued the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation, proposing to free all slaves of rebel states as of Jan. 1, 1863. 1980; The Persian Gulf conflict between Iran and Iraq erupted into full-scale war. 1989; Songwriter Irving Berlin died in New York City at age 101.

Picture Of The Day: The Photoshop gang always provides me with great pictures for political fodder with their chop pictures. These are a few of the recent ones that amused me.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. 2) I went to a bar last week that had a black light. Everybody looked cool except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out. 3) I think if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. 4) You know those fishing shows on TV? They catch a fish and then let it go. I wonder if the male fish goes home and his wife says, "Where were you?" Then the male fish says, "I got caught!" Then, the female fish says, "I don't believe you, let me see the inside of your lip." 5) We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we didn't laugh that evening when he came back with a whore he picked up in town......and that's five !

Birthdays: Michael Faraday, English scientist 1791, Theodore Clement Steele, artist 1847, Babette Deutsch, poet 1895, Tommy Lasorda, baseball manager 1927.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A guy in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date. He just won't take no for an answer. The lesbian smirks and says, "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!"This guy thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen! The mortician said, "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz, but I can't send you off to be cremated with a huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. The mortician, opening his briefcase, said, "Honey, I have something to show you that you won't believe." His wife looked down and screamed, "Oh my God! Schwartz is dead!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A woman and her boyfriend are speeding down a country lane after leaving a party. The woman decides she wants to have some fun so she takes off all of her clothes so she can flash other motorists. Unfortunately, the man gets a little distracted and crashes the car. The naked woman is thrown clear, but the man is trapped and stuck in the wreckage.

The only cover she can find is one of her boyfriend’s shoes, so she holds it over her crotch and runs for help. A drunk is sitting outside a nearby bar and she shouts to him, "Help my boyfriend is stuck!" The drunk looks at the shoe and says, "I'll call an ambulance for help but from the looks of it, I'd say your boyfriend's a goner!"

A tribe of Indians captures a cowboy and brings him back to their camp. The chief says to the cowboy, "You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we will give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of the third day, you die. What is your first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy whispers something into the horse's ear and the horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man. Going to die and can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What is your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This is your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears and yells, "Read my lips! Posse! P-o-s-s-e!"

That's it for today my little song birds. Remember, God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. It's Hump Day and that in itself is a reason to head over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Judge leonard Shapiro, is evidently wise enough to think now he should be appointed to the Supreme Court.

I can understand how you would misinterpret Posse! Shapiro could!

Rose said...

I loved the Tribe of Indians joke!


Paula said...

Happy hump day. Funny jokes as usual.

Ally Lifewithally said...

Jimmy Happy Hump Day to you ~ thanks for the smiles ~ Ally x