Friday, September 24, 2010

Give An Idiot A Microphone At The United Nations And His Speech Will Prove Your Suspicions !

Every time you think you've seen and heard it all, some dimwit raises the stupid bar to new heights. Iranian President Ahmadinejad (pronounced I'm-a dinner-jacket), in a speech at the United Nations, said, "Some segments within the U.S. government orchestrated the (9/11) attack to reverse the declining American economy and its grips on the Middle East in order also to save the Zionist regime."

Loud gasps could be heard in the chamber and the U.S. delegation stood up and walked out. The Americans were followed out by diplomats from other U.S. allies. Standing at five feet four inches tall, A-Jad, besides being insane, seems to also suffer from a Napoleon Complex as well. I wonder if he was tall enough to even notice that half the audience left after his 9/11 comments.

Then we have Lindsay Lohan, was denied bail, handcuffed and taken into custody Friday for breaking probation by failing a pair of drug tests following her release from rehab. Judge Elden Fox issued the order without hearing arguments from Lohan's lawyers and the actress could be held in custody until a hearing in late October. Talk about a severe case of "dumbass"!

The News As I See It: Vice President Joe O'Biden says in fact the stimulus is working. He also says his hair plugs are working. President O'Bozo, whose rating is now 42%, was unavailable for comment.

The premiere of "Hawaii Five-0" was a great episode. The cops were looking around and they accidentally stumbled upon O'Bozo’s birth certificate.

The hit show "Dancing With the Stars" is drawing rave reviews, but some viewers who have Direct TV are missing the action because they signed up for the "heterosexual programming package."

Odds and Ends: The world’s oldest man celebrates his 114th birthday this week. If you want to buy him a present, hurry. You can tell it’s autumn because Christine O’Donnell used her cauldron to make chowder.

This Date In History: 1789; Congress passed the First Judiciary Act which provided for a U.S. attorney general and the Supreme Court. 1957 The Brooklyn Dodgers played their last game at Ebbets Field. 1960; The Enterprise, the first nuclear-powered aircraft carrier, was launched.

1969; The trial of the "Chicago Eight," radical antiwar and counterculture activists accused of conspiring to incite riots at the 1968 Democratic convention, began. 1991; Children's author Theodor Seuss Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, died at age 87. 1996; The United States and the world's other major nuclear powers.

Picture Of The Day: Sometimes it seem that the loonies are beginning to out number cockroaches. Thankfully, the photoshop gang is always at the ready to paint a more realistic picture. On a sidenote, I loved the picture of the old Chevy, so I threw it in.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the seventh or the eighth. 2) My ex-wife said I never listened to least I think that's what she said. 3) Why is it that some children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? 4) There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz. 5) Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times, I let her sleep.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My pal, Lydia. Happy Birthday, my love 19XX, John Marshall, American jurist, 4th Chief Justice of the United States (1801–1835) 1755, Mark Hanna, capitalist and politician 1837, F. Scott Fitzgerald, writer 1896, Jim Henson, puppeteer 1936, Phil Hartman, actor 1948, Paul and Morgan Hamm, gymnasts 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was very impressed. She decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" She replied, "No, but my cucumbers are enormous."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two Louisiana hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

After having their 11th child, an Detroit couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. The doctor said a less costly alternative was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." The doctor said, "Trust me."

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

A little country boy was sitting on the curb with a quart of turpentine, just shaking it all up and watching all the bubbles. A priest came along and asked the little boy what he was doing. The little boy replied "Well, I'm a just shakin' the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby boy." The little boy replied, "Shoot, that ain't nothin'. You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a motorcycle!"

That's it for today my little prairie pups. Remember, it isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. Been there, done that! Think I'll go spread the word at AREA 51. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

I am having a problem with one joke. I just cannot figure why the cucumbers got big. They are green. That ain't blushing. Oh well, maybe you had to be there! hahahahahahahaha!
Thanks or the laughs. Sherry looks over as I am laughing like crazy, "YOu must be reading Jimmy, I haven't go there yet."

I might can get her to explain the joke!!!!

Paula said...

And a good week-end to you too Jimmy.

Ally Lifewithally said...

Hope your weekend is a good one Jimmy ~ as usual i'm still laughing at the jokes ~ Ally x

Julie said...

I just love your photos. They alone will give me a chuckle and I can always tell which way the post is heading. I agree about the Idiot at the microphone. I have some overripe tomatoes I would have loved to toss.