I'll Drink To That !

A recent study of 1,824 adults ages 55 to 65 found that moderate and heavy drinkers were less likely to die than abstainers over a 20-year span. This information should make most of my pals and readers very happy. Some information the study did not reveal is the ramifications of drinking, such as, a tattoo of a woman's name on your arm that you don't remember meeting or having to call various night spots to find out where left your car.

Moderate drinkers were defined as those who have one to fewer than three drinks daily, with heavy drinkers having three or more alcoholic beverages a day. Overall, older adults who didn’t drink at all had a 49 percent greater risk of dying during the 20 years of the study than those who drank moderately.

Personally, I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. Actually, liquor is like love. The first kiss is magic. The second is fantastic. The third is great and after that, I just take my clothes off.

In a similar study, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 bottles of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.

Drinking too much usually means you know there's a story about you from the night before and there are just some things that are down right impossible to say when you've been drinking like, "Sorry, but you're not really my type" or "Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight" and finally, "Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing."

There's some good news in this new study and since I've been known to have an occasional scotch or two, it's nice to hear the news, but there's always an underlying story....., believe me, there's always an underlying story.....

The News As I See It: Tiger Woods’ divorce is final and he bought an apartment in Manhatten. What better place to practice golf and resist the temptations of single life? It’s making New Yorkers forget about the whole mosque thing.

Paris Hilton told police that she thought the cocaine found in her purse was gum. I can believe that, she also thought her last CD was music. She was charged with possession of less than an ounce of common sense.

President Obozo said he can’t walk around with his birth certificate plastered on his forehead. Apparently he was reacting to new polls that show 1 in 5 Kenyans now believe he was born in Hawaii.

California voters will have the opportunity to vote on banning plastic bags from all grocery stores. My assumption is that now all shoppers will have to bring their own bags. I view this as blatant discrimination as I divorced mine years ago.

Five years ago, on August 29th, Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans. George "Dubya" Bush observed Katrina’s fifth anniversary by doing exactly what he did when the hurricanes struck — nothing. Dubya Bush went on vacation the same time as President Obozo. They both had to get away from it all and not do anything of significance.

Millions of bed bugs were found inside the Empire State Building and New York is facing an infestation of these disgusting and impossible-to-kill pests. That’s right, the cast of "Jersey Shore" is in town. Bed bugs can live up to a year without feeding. They’re like supermodels.

This Date In History: 1807; Former U.S. vice president Aaron Burr was found innocent of treason. 1923; A devastating earthquake struck the Japanese cities of Tokyo and Yokohama. Nearly 150,000 people were killed and more than two million left homeless.

1939; World War II began when Nazi Germany invaded Poland. 1969; A coup in Libya toppled the monarchy of King Idris and brought Muammar al-Qaddafi to power. 1983; A Korean Air Lines Boeing 747 was shot down by a Soviet jet fighter, killing all 269 people aboard.

1985; A joint U. S.-French expedition located the wreck of the Titanic 560 miles off the coast of Newfoundland. 2004; Chechen terrorists took about 1,200 schoolchildren and others hostage in Beslan, Russia. Commandos stormed the school on Sept. 3.

Picture Of The Day: Believe it or not, it was difficult to find many decent drinking pictures with the exception of my own personal files and photographs. Of course, I do have a few personal pictures but most of them would just get me in trouble.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A man named George just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof. 2) Women might be able to fake orgasms but men can fake a whole relationship. 3) If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. 4) If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it? 5) I never really grew up. I only learned how to act in public......and that's five !

Birthdays: Engelbert Humperdinck, composer 1854, Francis William Aston, physicist and chemist 1877, Walter Philip Reuther, labor leader 1907, Rocky Marciano, boxer 1923, Seiji Ozawa, conductor 1935, Gloria Estefan, singer and musician 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A completely inebriated old man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." The woman screamed, "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" The old man muttered, "Funny, you even sound exactly like her."

Two 70 year old men, Saul and Murray, sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. Saul wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked Murray what it was for. Murray said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth! Makes you feel like a man of 30." Saul then asked, "Can you get it over the counter?" Murray said, "You probably could, if you took 2 pills."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Pat in the U.K. for her contribution to today's post.

In the confessional, Joey said, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asked, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" Joey said, "Yes, Father, it is." The priest said, "And who was the girl you were with?" Joey said, "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation"

The priest said, "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" Joey replied, "I cannot say." The priest said, "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" Joey said, "I'll never tell." The priest asked, "Was it Nina Capelli?" Joey responded, "I'm sorry, Father, but I cannot name her."

The priest sighed in frustration, "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" Joey said, "Four months vacation and three good leads."

Into a Dublin pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp. Sean the bartender asks, "What happened to you?" Paddy says, "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight." Sean says, "That little shit, O'Conner? He couldn't do that to you. He must of had something in his hand."

Paddy says, "That he did, a shovel is what he had, and a terrible licking he gave me with it" Sean says, "You should have defended yourself. Didn't you have anything in your hand?" Paddy says, "That I did. It was Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a "drop off" about 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on. On your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For most drinkers, this an easy question, but for the people that do not drink, the answer is: Get your drunken ass off the merry-go-round.

That's it for today my little tea totalers. Remember, it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. I went out last night with my sweet Nicole so I'm pretty sure I'm not going to AREA 51 for happy hour. Then again....... More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !