Friday, September 17, 2010

Friday - And Not A minute Too Soon !

It amuses me to no end that politicians, pundits and news reporters are puzzled by the political upsets throughout the nation. I think they just don't understand that voters are saying we are fed up with assholes and and now we are making changes we can believe in.

The Democrats are worried about losing Congress and their jobs, Republicans are worried about the tea party cutting into their base and the Tea Party is voting for anyone, intelligent or not, who replaces incumbents.

The most important message is that "politics as usual" is no longer acceptable and politicians had better start watching how they vote because America is taking names and kicking asses. What a refreshing idea!

The News As I See It: In Delaware, Christine O'Donnell won a huge upset in the primaries, but she has some problems. Karl Rove has accused her of lying. When the guy that told 300 million Americans there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq says you're lying, he knows what he's talking about.

I don't know a lot about Christine O'Donnell, but she has some interesting views. She has come out against masturbation....and you thought the war on drugs was unwinnable.

Democratic Congressman Charlie Rangel easily won his primary. He hasn’t been this happy since he saved all that money by not paying taxes.

Nancy Pelosi’s Republican opponent, John Dennis, has an ad where he depicts Pelosi as the Wicked Witch of the West. Pelosi is very angry and the Wicked Witch is even angrier.

President Obozo spoke to students this week and told them to stay focused and stay in school....mainly, because there are no jobs out there.

Odds and Ends: Mexico celebrated its 200th birthday. They celebrated at their favorite spots...Arizona and Los Angeles. In October, a monument will be unveiled in South Carolina honoring the band Hootie and the Blowfish. No word yet as to why. IHOP, the International House of Pancakes, is suing a church that calls itself the "International House of Prayer." To avoid the lawsuit, the church group will change their name to "Kentucky Fried Christians."

This Date In History: 1787; The Constitution was completed and signed by a majority of the delegates attending the constitutional convention in Philadelphia. 1862; The bloodiest day in U.S. military history occurred at the Battle of Antietam when more than 23,000 were killed or wounded.

1908; Lt. Thomas Selfridge, a passenger in a plane piloted by Orville Wright, became the first airplane fatality when the aircraft crashed. 1920; The American Professional Football Association—a precursor of the NFL—was formed in Canton, Ohio. 1980; Anastasio Somoza Debayle, former president of Nicaragua, was assassinated in Paraguay.

1994; Heather Whitestone of Alabama became the first deaf Miss America. 2004; Barry Bonds became the third baseball player to hit 700 career home runs, joining Hank Aaron and Babe Ruth.

Picture Of The Day: Talk about people with too much time on their hands, this Sunday, September 19, is "International Talk Like a Pirate Day". Celebrations of this "Day" started in 1995 and declared that on this day everyone should talk like a true pirate. The parodic tradition caught on and turned into a yearly holiday, to the great joy of the pirate fans (with the exception of Pittsburgh) all over the world. Here's a particular photoshop picture that amused me.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Fettuccini Alfredo is just macaroni and cheese for adults. 2) I went to the grocery store and bought four apples. The cashier said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "No, I'm a juggler." 3) Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. Pringles said, "Screw it. Cut 'em up and fry 'em!" 4) I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient and I bet I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's. 5) I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff......and that's five !

Birthdays: Christian Louis Lange, pacifist 1869, William Carlos Williams, poet and physician 1883, Warren Earl Burger, fifteenth Chief Justice of the United States 1907, Hank Williams, country singer 1923, Anne Bancroft, actress 1931, David H. Souter, Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court (1990—) 1939.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of a John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right well, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and, in a classic striptease move, lets his suspenders fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his cap onto a pile of hay.

A voice says, "What the hell are you doing Mick?" Mick, obviously embarrassed, says, "Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin' bejesus out of me, but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Pat in the U.K. for her contribution to today's stories.

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. The father thought, "Holy shit! This kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived and he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead right in the middle of my lesson!"

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day. This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said, "I love it but I have to stop eating it." The little boy asked, "Why?" She pointed to her lap and said, "Because I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" The little boy said, "Let me see." She said, "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "Wow, you are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too! " She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said, "Oh, my God, It's too late for you!! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!"

A man from Louisiana walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The man is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down one tree and it took all damned day!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong and the Louisiana man asks, "What's that noise?"

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

That's it for today my little piccolo players. Remember, when you're stressed out, close your eyes and visualize world peace for an hour. Imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. I'm going out to AREA 51 tonight. I hope the looting doesn't start until real late. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


garnett109 said...

jimmy master bait is great the fish love it

jack69 said...

I'm hoping all those incontinent politicians get kicked out, no crap!
Thansk again for the laughs! have a great weekend.

Paula said...

Hope you're having fun at Area 51 while I'm reading your jokes.

Julie said...

Hats off to you again Jimmy for the laughs. You know I plan to do my part to rid us all of some dead weight in Washington. Be careful this weekend.

Rose said...

You got me with the Chicken Sandwiches! LOL

Ally Lifewithally said...

LOL Jimmy thanks for the smiles ~ Ally x