Wednesday, September 29, 2010

If Ya' Gotta Go, Do It Your Way !

Death is never funny but sooner or later, everyone has to go to the Principal's office. That said, I would be remiss in not thinking of how one might die. I mean, if you have to go, some ways seem to be better than others. Take the case of the recently departed owner of the Segway company who accidentally drove his Segway over a cliff and into a river. In retrospect, I'm sure that if he would have known that the purchase would be his demise, he would have chosen another venture...maybe purchasing a brothel. Either way, like Sinatra, he did it Segway.

Author Jim Fixx, who spurred the jogging craze with his best-selling books about running and preached the gospel that active people live longer, died of a heart attack while on a solitary jog in Vermont. It could be said that Mr. Fixx died doing what he loved. On the other hand, if that's the terms and conditions for the way one might die, methinks Mr. Fixx would have rather hung out with me in AREA 51. I'm just saying.....

There have been others who have died in an odd manner as well. Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge - killing him. A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.

Other people are more fortunate and either die instantly or in their sleep. My grandfather was one of those fortunate few and died peacefully in his sleep. He was lucky that he didn't die yelling and screaming like the rest of the people in his car.

We don't know exactly what our future holds for us and it's really not necessary to dwell on the inevitable. Personally, I like to think positively and enjoying the good things in life. As a precaution though, I'll continue to work on my new book "Relationships With Voluptuous Younger Women."

The News As I See It: The United Nations is appointing an official space alien greeter to meet and greet any aliens that may visit Earth in the future. Sorry Mexico, but we have our priorities.....

They say the Titanic sank because the captain had a big problem when he tried to turn way to the left. To which President Obozo said, "Tell me about it." Obozo said he plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers. How about teaching math to that economic team of his? Obozo has written a children’s book. Why not? He’s got nothing else on his plate. His book is called "The One-Term Engine That Could."

Vice President Joe Biden lashed out at fellow Democrats. He said that those Democrats that didn’t get what they wanted should just "buck up." Biden should know, he's "bucked up" a number of times.

This Date In History: 1399; King Richard II became the first English monarch to abdicate his throne. 1829; Sir Robert Peel's police force, the "bobbies," began operations at Scotland Yard. 1895; French chemist Louis Pasteur died. 1978; John Paul I died one month after becoming pope.

1982; Seven people died after taking Extra-Strength Tylenol capsules laced with cyanide. This led to the use of safety seals on most consumer products. 1988; The space shuttle Discovery was launched, the first American staffed space flight since the Challenger disaster. 2001; Former South Vietnam president Nguyen Van Thieu died.

Picture Of The Day: The photoshop gang must have taken a well deserved break this week because the pickings have been slim. I did find a few however and the topic was "Tourism Posters." In today's pics, the posters are from unusual and unlikely sources.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It pays to remember your social obligations. If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours. 2) The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again. 3) The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. 4) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 5) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My pal, Deena - Happy Birthday girl! 19XX, Miguel de Cervantes, novelist, dramatist, and poet 1547, Horatio Nelson Nelson, admiral 1758, Enrico Fermi, physicist 1901, Greer Garson, actress 1904, Gene Autry, singer 1907, Stanley Kramer, film director 1913, Jerry Lee Lewis, rock musician 1935, Lech Wales, Polish labor leader 1943, Bryant Gumbel, TV newscaster 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "six." The judge then said, "I will give you six days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The medicine man said, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4', but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon."

The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal, Anne, who is recovering from surgery, for her contribution to today's post.

Two aliens (from space, not Mexico) landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that!"

The younger alien said, "Rubbish", aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him as a charred, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his eyes on the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

The youngster said, "What a ferocious creature! He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his dick over his shoulder and then stick it in his ear."

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. She exclaimed, "Oh, a genie! Now I will get three wishes!" The genie said, "No, you have been very bad recently, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

Monica says, "Let's see...I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. But, I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish I would like my love handles removed."

The genie folded his arms, closed his eyes and, "Poof!", just like that, her ears were gone.

That's it for today my little piccolo players. Remember, a true friend hears the song in your heart and sings it to you when your memory fails. AREA 51 is my destination for Happy Hour if I can remember the way. Drat, and I'm out of breadcrumbs! More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Smart aleck across the table says, 'it must be a good one tonight'. ooops, I forgot she reads this.

Did you meet those guys at Area 51?

Thanks for the laughs!!!!!

Did I beat Sherry, Rose and paula here tonight?

Oh yeah, we are posting from Tupelo, Miss birth place of you know who!!!

No! not Bobbie Gentry!

Paula said...

Whoops its getting late. Don't drink and drive home.

jack69 said...

I had to come back, I wonder what that guy's last thoughts were? Hard to imagine a wealthy guy taking that kind of chance.

Ally Lifewithally said...

Jimmy thanks for the laughs ~ as always a lovely read ~ Ally x