Note To Self: Blog First; Happy Hour Second !

I watch the news each day to keep up with what's going on. I continually switch between CNN and Fox News so I can get both left and right political spins which helps me ascertain the approximate location of the middle. I am a bit concerned that if both democrats and republicans only watch the news that suits their views, they create a mental inbreeding, which promotes stupidity. The same phenomenon occurs in congress and when one marries one's first cousin.

One of my current gripes with the news broadcasts is that the first thing they deem important is the conflict in Lybia. Personally, I could care less about anything that happens in the middle east unless it's news about our troops getting the hell out of there or that we took control of their oil fields and are pumping out as many barrels of oil that it takes to lower the price of gasoline.

The first thing I'd like to hear on the news is that congress has come together and agreed to a sensible plan to take control of government spending and reduce the national debt. In an ideal world, I'd also like to hear that Barack Obozo actually did at least one thing that he promised to do in his shuck and jive routine while campaigning for the presidency.

And for some inane reason, most news broadcasts have a segment in their final five minutes that they seem to feel is amusing or folksy. Most times they are wrong. Nevertheless, they continue to do this daily and it seems to me they should warn anyone with an IQ over 80 that now would be a good time to go to the bathroom and exercise any bodily functions deemed necessary. But, that's just me.....

On a sad note, former Miami Dolphins tight end and popular South Florida sportscaster Jim Mandich died Tuesday night after a long battle with cancer.
Mandich, 62, was drafted by the Dolphins in 1970 out of the University of Michigan. He was an All-American for the Wolverines and played eight seasons with the Dolphins. He was a member of the College Football Hall of Fame and announced Dolphins games from 1992-2004 and from 2008-2009. Rest in peace, Jim!

The News As I See It: A lot of people are worried about the safety of America’s nuclear power plants. It’s important to remember that we’ve never had a full meltdown. We came close with Charlie Sheen, though.

Ex-convicts prepared the eggs for the White House’s Easter Egg Roll. It was nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress. It was an opportunity for kids from all over the country to come to the White House and look for the president’s birth certificate.

There is a nationwide shortage of drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder. The FDA says they’re not sure how it happened. I guess somebody wasn’t paying attention.

Donald Trump says he’s President Obozo’s worst nightmare. That’s not true. Having to make a decision is Obozo’s worst nightmare.

Queen Elizabeth recently turned 85. There was an awkward moment when she closed her eyes to make a wish and Prince Charles asked, "Is she dead?"

President Obozo is in Los Angeles raising money for his one billion dollar campaign fund and meeting with Dr. 90210 about an ear tuck.

Facebook just launched the "send" button, which lets you share Web articles with particular groups of friends. That’s good, because when I log onto Facebook, my first thought is, "There just aren't enough people sending me things."

This Date In History: 1521; Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan was killed in a fight with natives of the Philippines. 1805; The U.S. Marines captured Derna, on the shores of Tripoli. 1865; The worst steamship disaster in the history of the United States occurred when there was an explosion aboard the Sultana; more than 1,400 people were killed.

1956; Rocky Marciano retired as undefeated world heavyweight boxing champion. 1961; Sierra Leone gained independence from Great Britain. 1983; Pitcher Nolan Ryan surpassed Walter Johnson’s strikeout record - one that had held since 1927. 1987; Austrian president Kurt Waldheim was barred from entering the United States. He was accused of aiding in the execution of thousands of Jews in World War II.

Picture Of The Day: Unfortunately, the last thing I add to each post is the pictures. Under most conditions, the pictures are relevant to the post. As you will find out later in this particular read, circumstances affected my choice of pictures. I did, however, get exclusive rights to the original copy of the recent birth certificate as released by the annointed one. In my happy hour opinion and after examining the document in detail, I belive that the prez was indeed born in Hawaii.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and then women stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. 2) Americans and Britons have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift". They say "President", we say "Money wasting narcissist". 3) Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

4) I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm going put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm going to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down. 5) They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it's true love. After marriage, however, it is usually in self-defense.....and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Taurus - April 27th: Things are going to come to a head today and either go well or go badly. Artifacts that appear on your eyeballs are an after-effect of going out on the town for 4 nights running. The countries that have issued orders for your arrest will close in today and cause you to go without clean pants.

You may find love in unexpected places, however, it is equally likely that you'll find love on ebay, for sale at low, low prices. Your favorite romantic film is on this evening and you should try and persuade someone you've not previously had the courage to talk to to watch it too. Then, mid-way through the movie, phone that person. You'll be amazed at the results.

Birthdays: My daughter, Jeannette - Happy Birthday, my love 19XX, My pals Bobby and Cary - Happy Birthday 19XX, Oliver Cromwell, statesman 1599, Guglielmo Marconi, physicist 1874, Wolfgang Pauli, physicist 1900,
Edward R. Murrow, journalist 1908, Ella Fitzgerald, American jazz singer 1917, Al Pacino. actor 1940, Renee Zellweger, actress 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back.

The lawyer turned around and asked, "Excuse me, but why are you touching my back?" The man replied, "Sorry, I'm a chiropractor and sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills." The attorney said, "Get control of yourself, man. I'm an attorney and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the damned money is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the damned money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Woody for his contribution to today's stories.

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the hell are you doing, Billy Bob?" Billy Bob, obviously embarrassed, says, "Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the shit out of me, but me and the old lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

Bubba is at a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. The speaker said, "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up. The speaker continued, "Okay, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three hands stay up.

There's a slight murmur in the crowd and the speaker said, "That's pretty good. Okay, have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?" Only Bubba's hand stays up. The speaker blinks and says, "Wow! Sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" Bubba suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry....I thought you said goat!"

Authors Note: Today's post is a bit tardy as I opted for an early happy hour in AREA 51 with my pal Emilio. Spelling and/or grammatical errors should be overlooked.

That's it for today, my little swizzle sticks. Remember, insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. Happy Hour in AREA 51 beckons. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !