In the interest of keeping my friends and readers aware of all pertinent new scientific information that affects America, I would like to make you aware of a new phenomenon that is plaguing Arizona in addition to the normal infestation of illegal aliens and drug smugglers.
For the second time in the last thirty days, a giant dust storm inundated the city of Phoenix. Scientists refer to the phenomenon as a haboob, an Arabic word meaning.....uh, giant dust storm. Phoenix is the only city in the southwest that has had to face a large pair of haboobs.
Yes, it's true. Giant haboobs are taking the Phoenix Area by storm and scientist are unsure how to warn residents of the severity of the storm. Hurricanes, for example, are rated as category one, two, et cetera. Tornadoes are referred to as F1, F2 and so on. Leading meteorologists are considering rating the severity of the haboobs as A, B, C, D and the dangerous Double D.
While reporters are "embedded" in war situations and weather reporters "hunker down" during hurricanes, I feel it would only be natural for weather reporters to be "implanted" in the larger haboobs. But, that's just me.....
The News As I See It: It doesn't surprise me that the British police couldn’t stop the high-tech phone hackers. They couldn’t even stop a guy walking into parliament with a pie.
President Obozo said he turns 50 this week, but he actually doesn’t turn 50 until August 4th. This means that even he hasn’t seen his birth certificate.
The California 405 freeway is being widened, retrofitted and reinforced. Or as they call that in Los Angeles, "getting the full Kardashian."
A woman in Colorado was arrested for groping a TSA agent last week. On the bright side, today she was offered a job with the TSA.
Philadelphia has a new plan to ticket pedestrians who text without looking up while they walk....as opposed to the previous punishment - lamp posts.
This Date In History: 1810; Colombia declared independence from Spain. 1881; Fugitive Sioux Indian leader Sitting Bull surrendered to federal troops. 1951; King Abdullah I of Jordan was assassinated. 1960; Sirima Bandaranaike of Sri Lanka (then Ceylon) became the world's first woman prime minister.
1969; Astronaut Neil A. Armstrong was the first man to walk on the Moon. 1985; Treasure hunters found the Spanish galleon Nuestra Senora de Atocha, which sank off the coast of Key West, Florida, in 1622 during a hurricane. The ship contained over $400 million in coins and silver ingots.
Picture Of The Day: One thing about haboobs, they always make me think of Kim Kardashian....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park. 2) Credit cards are very dangerous. Every time I try to use one of mine, somebody starts chasing me with scissors. 3) Everybody has to believe in something. I believe I'll have a scotch on the rocks. 4) Everyone wants to save the earth, but nobody wants to help with the dishes. 5) I may be getting older, but I've still got it. But lately, nobody wants to see it.....and that's five !
Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - July 20th: Today could be your lucky day, so buy a lottery ticket. Don't go apeshit, it only takes one winning ticket to solve your financial woes. And please don't confuse woe with whoa, it'll really hamper your sex life. On a brighter note, your mother-in-law lost her voice arguing with your father-in-law last night, so she'll have nothing to say when she pops in this afternoon. Buy low, sell high!
Birthdays: Petrarch, poet and humanist 1304, Sir Edmund Hillary, New Zealand mountain climber and explorer 1919, Elliot Lee Richardson, government official 1920, Cormac McCarthy, novelist 1933, Natalie Wood, actress 1938, Carlos Santana, musician 1947.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." 'An elderly nun in the back muttered, "Thank God! I'm so tired of Chardonnay."
A female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minute, he turned to leave.
The reporter approached him and said, "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?" The man replied, "Murray Lipschitz." She asked, "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" The old man said, "For about 60 years." The reporter said, "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" The old man said, "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults."
The reporter asked, "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" The old man replies, "Like I'm talking to a f*ckin' wall."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Frances for her contribution to today's stories.
A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and asked, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?" If I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no." The man raved on, "And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?" The clerk said, "Well, I probably wouldn't."
With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?" The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters "C Z A N O W I C Z." The optician asked, "Can you read this?" The Polish guy replied, "Read it? I know the guy!"
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He puts the alligator up on the bar, turns to the astonished patrons and says, "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his unit unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and said, "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. An old woman stood up and timidly said, "I'll try, but promise me you won't hit me on the head with that beer bottle."
That's it for today my little onion rings. Remember, the National Schizophrenic Convention is this Friday. Anybody who's everybody will be there! It's Hump Day, and time for a midweek excursion to AREA 51 for happy hour and maybe some Karaoke. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !