Monday, July 18, 2011

Jury Duty

I'm running a tad late today as I had to do my civic duty and report for jury duty. The only humor I found in that was that a defendant was going to to be judged by twelve people who weren't clever enough get out of jury duty. I had the good fortune of reasonable weather and traffic on my way to the courthouse and oddly enough, things got better.

After reporting to the clerk, I immediately headed to the snack area where I had a cup of Cuban coffee and met two attractive young ladies to chat with. After an hour, the first jurists from a pool of about 200 people were called and I was juror number three. I'm thinking this is not a good omen.

In the courtroom, after a few instructions from the judge, my cell phone rang and it just so happened that the caller was a friend who I identify with by using "The Devil Went Down To Georgia" as a ring tone. Right off the bat, I'm the center of attention. Not good!

The judge the asked if anyone on the jury was previously or currently insured by All State Insurance. I raised my hand along with two others. After a brief sidebar, the judge excused us from serving on the trial. Upon my return to the jury pool area around 11:15, the clerk advised us that we could be dismissed for the remainder of the week if we waived the $15 a day payment.

At 11:30 I was out of jury duty, on the expressway and heading to AREA 51 for lunch. I couldn't help but remember what comedian Ron White's dog "Sluggo" said to him after Ron slipped M&Ms into his jowls while Sluggo was sleeping. Sluggo woke up, licked his chops and said, "It's going to be a good day, Tater!"

The News As I See It: There’s a move to divide California into two states: the state of poverty and the state of bankruptcy. The problem is coming up with a new name for Southern California. "New Mexico" is already taken.

Two Delta planes collided recently at the airport in Boston. The passengers were okay — except for having to pay Delta’s $50 collision fee. That’s right, two Delta planes collided at an airport in Boston. Or as air traffic controllers put it, "Glad I wasn’t awake to see that one.

Lindsay Lohan is mad that she wasn’t cast in the movie "Black Swan." There’s still hope she might be cast in the sequel, "Grey Goose."

Ohio Congressman Bill Johnson said his Twitter account was hacked yesterday after an image of a naked man was posted on his page. When the Lord taketh a Weiner he giveth a Johnson.

This Date In History: 64; A great fire began that ultimately destroyed most of Rome. The emperor Nero blamed it on Christians and began the first Roman persecution of them. It was in this date men learned the dangers of fiddling around.

1925; The first volume of Adolf Hitler's Mein Kampf was published. 1936; The Spanish Civil War began. 1947; President Harry S. Truman signed the Presidential Succession Act.

1976; 14-year-old Romanian gymnast Nadia Comaneci earned the first perfect score, a ten, at the Olympics and went on to score six more tens and win three gold medals. 1999; New York Yankee David Cone pitched the 16th perfect game in baseball history.

Picture Of The Day: The "Ice Cream Truck In The Phoenix Heat" picture struck me as funny and was provided courtesy of my pal, Linda in Washington State.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway. 2) It's not a shortage of judges that causes the problems in our courts, it's the excess of lawyers. 3) Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building? 4) I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. 5) I was once pulled over for supposedly driving under the influence. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for driving under the influence was. I said, "Re-election to the Senate?".....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - July 18th: I hope you remember to bring your umbrella, especially tonight. I'm not saying it's going to rain, but remember what happened the last time you forgot your umbrella. Romance and candlelight is in your immediate future. It had better be because your check for the light bill is being returned.

Birthdays: James Sullivan Sr, my father. Happy Birthday Dad 19XX, Robert Hooke, physicist, mathematician, and inventor 1635, William Thackeray, novelist 1811, Jessamyn West, novelist 1902, S. I. Hayakawa, scholar, former U.S. Senator 1906, John Glenn, astronaut 1921, Dick Button, figure skater 1929, Yevgeny Yevtushenko, poet 1933.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk in downtown Atlanta. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

I told my doctor I had been noticing a burning sensation in my eyes and difficulty breathing after sex. He told me it was just the Mace.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

A young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. The reporter asked, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?" She said, thoughtfully, "I've always eaten moderately, worked hard, I don't smoke or drink and I keep good hours." The reporter asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The elderly lady said, "Sure, but I'd appreciate if you don't put that in your newspaper."

A man with tickets to the Super Bowl finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. He says, "No, the seat is empty." The stranger said, "That's incredible. Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967. The stranger replies, "I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head and says, "No, they're all at the funeral."

That's it for today my little songbirds. Remember, don't judge a book by its movie. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

I always wondered why I have trouble merging onto freeways. Now I know its my Mama's fault.

Linda's World said...

I haven't been called for Jury duty for about 6 years. I keep thinking my number is about to be called. We can be called for Jury duty in the county as well as the city we live in (district court). I actually enjoy it but there are several cases coming up that I would not want to be a part of. Several gang related murders for instance. Hugs to PSH.

Dutch said...

Thanks for all the laughs. You are one funny guy.

Ally Lifewithally said...

Thanks for an interesting and funny entry ~ Allyx

Rose said...

Glad you managed to get off Jury Duty! What would Area 51 do without you?

Hugs, Rose

jack69 said...

Paula said...
I always wondered why I have trouble merging onto freeways. Now I know its my Mama's fault.

That Paula so dadgummed smart. Why can't I think of a witty remark!!! Shucks and she is a cowgirl (What was that about bedridden?) I hope Paula doesn't come back. She will take her poems back she lent me for a book!

Back in NOrth Carolina, sherry & Jack