Remember when you turned 16 and got your driver's license? Yeah, me too. Remember when you turned 21 and could finally go to nightclubs. Yeah, me too. Remember Wednesday when you came home late from AREA 51 and decided to make breakfast, but you forgot it was unwise to fry bacon naked? Yeah, me too!
Remember when you used to say say the check is in the mail and then you remembered it really was? Yeah, me too. Remember when you told your little brother that he had to study for a urine test? Yeah, me too. Remember when you finally got your dream job as a life guard and that blue kid got you fired? Yeah, me too!
Remember when you got your first phone? Yeah, me too. Remember when got your first cell phone? Yeah, me too. Remember when you called that woman you met at the bar and her mother said she was at her probation officer's office because she broke her probation by staying out all night with a really old dude? Yeah, me too!
Remember the good times we had in school? Yeah, me too. Remember all the fun times we've had with family and friends? Yeah, me too. Will you always cherish those memories? Yeah.......me too!
The News As I See It: A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is "corrupt." The other 64 percent think Congress is "extremely corrupt."
The government is less than a week away from not being able to pay its bills. We may have to move in with Canada or a cheap rental country for a while.
It may be time for a woman president. At least a woman would have the intelligence to stop and ask for direction.
Cowboys and Aliens has hit the silver screen. The movie has cowboys shooting at aliens. They already have that in Arizona.
NASA held a career fair this week to help former employees find new jobs now that the shuttle program is over. Which explains that guy at the drive-thru that said, "One small fry for man, one giant Coke for his Big Mac."
This Date In History: 1890; Artist Vincent van Gogh died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound in Auvers, France. 1958; President Eisenhower signed the congressional act that created the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) was authorized by Congress.
1968; In Humanae Vitae (of Human Life), Pope Paul VI reaffirmed the Catholic Church's prohibition on artificial methods of birth control. 1981; Prince Charles, heir to the British throne, married Lady Diana Spencer. 2003; Red Sox switch hitter Bill Mueller became the first baseball player to hit grand slam home runs from both sides of the plate in the same game.
Picture Of The Day: I couldn't really find the exact idea I had in mind today, but these aren't bad. I do like the democrat versus republican picture featured below.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend went to CVS pharmacy and asked for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "I need medical proof that you need it." My friend said, "Will a picture of my wife do?" 2) The economy is so bad that when I ordered a burger at McDonald's, the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?" 3) She said, "If you're going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream!" 4) My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years. 5) My busty lady friend failed to see the humor when I asked her if she had two nipples for dime.....and that's five !
Today's Birthday Horoscope: Leo - July 29th: Most of the things you're doing are going well, so there's no need to give up now. Don't worry, be happy. The only thing that you should beware of is feeding the pigeons in the park. I'm not saying don't feed the pigeons, I just think you should get the flock out of the park. Romance is in the air, mixed in with the smog and stuff.
Birthdays: My pal Tony. Happy Birthday Buddy! 19XX, Alexis de Tocqueville, writer 1805, Booth Tarkington, author 1869, Benito Mussolini, dictator 1883, Dag Hammarskjold 1905–61, Swedish statesman, secretary-general of the United Nations (1953–61) 1905, Nancy Landon Kassebaum, senator 1932, Elizabeth Hanford Dole, public official 1936, Peter Jennings, news anchor 1938, Ken Burns, documentary filmmaker 1953.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" The farmer replied "manure."
The little boy asked, "What are you going to do with it?" The farmer replied, "Put it on strawberries." The little boy said, "You ought to live here. We put sugar and cream on ours."
An old man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the old man and asks how old he is. The old man says, "I'm ninety years old." The madam says, "Ninety?!" Don't you realize you've had it?" The old man says, "Oh, sorry, how much do I owe you?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Did You Know This About Leather Dresses? Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak at the knees, and he begins to think irrationally? Ever wonder why? It's because she smells like a new golf bag.
How To Treat A Woman: Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
How To Treat A Man: Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
The mailman says, "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." Bob replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "Who Am I." The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Bob says, "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." Bob says, "It's probably a good thing you did. Your name came up four or five times."
That's it for today my little aardvarks. Remember, If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour but you can bet your ass I won't be cooking breakfast when I get home! Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !