Friday, June 29, 2012

Walking In High Cotton Beats Picking It

Yesterday was a great day for Obama as his healthcare law was upheld by the Supreme Court. Obama apparently had three speeches ready to go. One if the law was overturned, one if the law was upheld and one if O'Biden chewed up the other two.

Some people watching CNN were very shocked at the Supreme Court decision. No, I'm just kidding. No one watches CNN or their rainbow anchors.

According to a poll by National Geographic, 65 percent of Americans said Obama would better handle an invasion by space aliens than Mitt Romney. Sure, once the aliens landed, they'd see there's no jobs and they'd go home.

I'm looking forward to the Fourth of July. Call me old-fashioned but what I love best about the Fourth of July is all of the flags. Of course, they're all made in China but still it's the sentiment that counts. 

The News As I See It: If you're an illegal immigrant in Arizona, hoping to become a citizen so you can get free healthcare, this is the greatest week of your life.

CNN was first to announce the Supreme Court decision to uphold Obamacare, but they got it wrong. They said the mandate was struck down. Luckily, it was on CNN, so nobody saw it.

For the first time ever, Saudi Arabia is going to allow women to compete in the Summer Olympics. The rumor is that Saudi women are excellent runners — because they're not allowed to drive.

Mitt Romney has a new fundraising gimmick. If you donate $3 or more to his campaign, your name will be entered into a drawing to win a dinner with Mitt Romney and Donald Trump. If you donate more than $10, you get to sit at a different table.

Joe O'Biden, talking about the economy, said it's a depression for millions of Americans. He used the word "depression" to describe the economy. I don't know if Mitt Romney has picked a running mate yet, but Joe O'Biden sounds like he'd be perfect.

Yesterday, the NBA Draft began. The New York Knicks have the 48th pick in the draft. What do they hope to get — a ballboy? The Knicks' position on this is that we will take the best athlete available......and so will Kim Kardashian.

This Date In History: 1613; London's Globe Theatre burned down during a performance of Shakespeare'sHenry VIII. 1767; The British Parliament approved the Townshend Acts. 1972; The Supreme Court ruled in Furman v. Georgia that the death penalty could constitute "cruel and unusual" prompting some states to revise their laws.

1995; The shuttle Atlantis and the Russian space station Mir docked, forming the largest man-made satellite ever to orbit Earth. 2003; Actress Katharine Hepburn died.

Picture Of The Day: Some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, sniff some Windex first. It'll keep you from streaking. 2) Your "other car" is just as crummy as my "other car." 3) During my high school years, I worked for weeks trying to get a date with a beautiful blonde. On our first date, while in the living room meeting her parents, her Dad said, "Look, there's dog shit on the rug." I didn't even have to look..... 4) I have no tattoos or body piercings, however, I do have several bites marks on my shoulders. 5) The one thing that both White and Black people know, but Spanish people do not, is that chicken is food, not a roommate.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 29th: Tequila could possibly be your downfall but keep in mind that the worm does not justify the hangover. Avoid sidestreets at all costs today. It's Friday and thugs will be on the prey. Aside from that, things look good and the chance of romance is 61.05 percent.

Birthdays: George Goethals, engineer 1858, George Ellery Hale, astronomer 1868, James Van Der Zee, photographer 1886, Antoine de Saint Exupéry, aviator 1900, Slim Pickens, cowboy actor 1919.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?" The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of love. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?" The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son....."Go get your Mother." 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Wally and  Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer mumbles to himself, "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt." Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?" Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?" Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay", and he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" The golfer replies, "definitely", and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I am the Devil and from this day forward you will have no sex life." The golfer replies, "Nice to meet you. I'm Father O'Malley!"

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation, "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. Jill continued, "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There, but for the grace of God, go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. The word is: sternum."

That's it for today, my little meadowlarks. Remember, money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. AREA 51 is my destination this evening. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

John broke his Sternum one time. You did want to know that, didn't you? Yes it was his Sternum not the other.

jack69 said...

Good read tonight. Like the pictures. That Penquin is neat.

I, for one, am glad John didn't break his scrotum.

Just got in from watching fire works. Our town doesn't have a calendar! Or the mayor wants to be in Myrtle beach on the 4th!

Rose said...

5) The one thing that both White and Black people know, but Spanish people do not, is that chicken is food, not a roommate.....

I was rolling on the floor laughing over this one!