Wednesday, January 2, 2013
2013 Here We Come !
Here we go, a new year to enjoy and hopefully, everyone will prosper. By this time next week, most resolutions will be just a rhetorical memory and we can continue on with only minor guilt trips. Obama and Congress will continue to lead us down the road to Grecian ruin, but, as always, the strong will survive.
Sooner or later, Obama and the other assholes in Congress will figure out that you can't spend money that you don't have. We, as taxpayers, were told to tighten our financial belts and the government needs a large dose of its own medicine.
Basically, it's very simple. Begin making small expense cuts across the board now or wait for anarchy to set in when the masses finally figure it out and take to the streets to riot.
The News As I See It: Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's case of Benghazi Flu and subsequent fainting spell and concussion as worsened and doctors have now determined that she has a Benghazi blood clot in her head and has been hospitalized. In the interim, when asked about the looming investigation on Benghazi and Clinton's ability to testify, Obama's ever changing responses is beginning to resemble a rehashed Stepin Fetchit routine.
I'm getting a bit fed up with excessive law suits but a recent law suit in Washington left me very angry. A patient who was to have a bad leg amputated was operated on by incompetent doctors and they removed the good leg by accident. Obviously, after discovering their mistake, they amputated the sickly leg.
The patient took the matter to court and after a long deliberation, the jury ruled against the patient. When questioned by reporters, a jury spokesperson said that they ruled against the man because the evidence showed that the patient didn't have a leg to stand on.
This Date In History: 1492; Muhammad XI, the leader of the last Arab stronghold in Spain, surrendered to King Ferdinand II and Queen Isabella I. 1788; Georgia was admitted to the Union as the 4th state. 1839; Louis Jacques Mandé Daguerre took the first photograph of the Moon.
1905; The Russo-Japanese war ended. 1923; The African-American town of Rosewood, Florida, was burned by a white mob. 1935; The Bruno R. Hauptmann trial began for the kidnap and murder of the Lindbergh baby.
1959; The first spacecraft to fly by the Moon and also to orbit the Sun, Mechta (Luna 1) was launched by the USSR. 1994; Rudolph Giuliani is inaugurated as New York City's mayor.
Picture Of The Day: I hate it when my summer condo is photographed without my permission.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Never take a beer to a job interview. 2) The government's 2013 motto seems to be, "The moment for calm and rational discussion is past, now is the time for senseless bickering." 3) Never order coffee at Starbucks when the guy in front of you tells them his name is Bueller and then leaves. 4) I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. 5) Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 2nd: The Latin phrase for what you're feeling today is, "Non semper inquisit damascus barkus aroooooo!". There's a little bit of dog language mixed in there because I couldn't remember the Latin word. Translated, it means that you may become a danger to yourself or to a large German shepherd this week.
Birthdays: My pals Jerry, Ray and Tom - Happy Birthday guys ! 19XX, James Wolfe British general 1727, Rudolf Clausius mathematical physicist 1822, Henry Flagler financier 1830, Ernst Barlach expressionist sculptor, graphic artist 1870, Saint Theresa Carmelite nun 1873, Michael Tippett composer 1905, Dennis Hastert congressman 1942, Cuba Gooding, Jr. actor 1968, Taye Diggs actor 1972.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Scientists recently found about 200 dead crows near Boston and there was great concern about the possibility of "Avian Flu". They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu,
He did determine that 98 percent of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks and only 2 percent were killed by impact with cars. The Province then hired a Ornithological Behaviorist to determine why there were such disproportionate percentages for "truck versus car: kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in very short order. When crows eat road kill, they always post a "look-out Crow" in a nearby tree to warn of any impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow could easily say "Cah" but he could not say "Truck"!
A guy walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "I’ve got a great Polish joke." The bartender glared at him and warned, "Before you go telling that joke, I think you ought to know that I’m Polish, the two bouncers on the door are Polish and most of my customers are Polish." The guy answered, "Okay, I’ll tell it slowly."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Gary for his contribution to today's stories.
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs, enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
She answers with a seductive smile, "Yes. Her husband says, "Thank God for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa." (He never heard the gunshot).
During these trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths: 1) Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people. 2) Jews do not recognize Jesus Christ as the Messiah. 3) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world. 4) Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"
The Priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here. Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."
That's it for today, my little tiddly winks. Remember, some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. If I can find all the pieces of my body, I may head over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
That's it for now. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !