Monday, January 28, 2013

I Bathed My Cat Possum - It Took An Hour To Get The Fur Off Of My Tongue

I hate bathing my cat Possum because a) he's and indoor cat and doesn't get dirty and b) he's a devious little bastard when he gets a bath. Unfortunately (for me), I accidentally spilled some cat food on him and my only resort was to bathe him.

I wiped the cat food off his head and began gathering all my secret tools used to hold him still long enough to do the job. Since he's very perceptive, the tools, consisting of several towels, cat shampoo and brush, must be stealthily brought in to the kitchen. They are then placed beside the kitchen sink which serves as his bathtub.

Still oblivious to his upcoming bath, I picked him up and carried him to the kitchen. Upon seeing the "tools" aligned along the sink, he began to squirm. Alas, it was too late (for both of us) and the war began.

As he attempted to escape by clawing the formica, I turned on the tap and soaked him real well, adding shampoo with one hand while attempting to keep him pinned down with the other hand. It was at this point in time that he began his "they're trying to kill me" howl.

Once soaped and rinsed, I toweled him dry as he gave me various "I hate you" looks. Once dried, I released him and he scampered off to one of his secret hidding places to lick himself dry in the form he deemed to be more correct than my toweling.

After ten minutes of soping all the water on the counter and kitchen floor, I retired to my recliner to relax, only to have Possum jump in my lap with a "Are you still angry" look. I leaned the recliner back to "cruise control" and we took a nap.....

The News As I See It: Joe O'Biden made another one of his famous gaffes on camera, saying he was proud to be president of the United States. I guess he forgot he wasn't at home, standing in front of the bathroom mirror.

There's a photo from the Inauguration in which Former President Bill Clinton appears to be checking out Kelly Clarkson. Clinton said, "That's not true, I was checking out Beyonce and Kelly Clarkson got in the way."

Beyonce is remaining silent about charges that she lip-synched the national anthem. However, the charges are being strongly denied by a recording of Beyonce.

According to a new study as much as 81 percent of people lie on online dating websites. Researchers said they were surprised by how many people actually hate long walks on the beach at sunset.

This Date In History: 1547; King Henry VIII of England died and his nine-year-old son, Edward VI, assumed the throne. 1915; Congress passed legislation creating the U.S. Coast Guard. 1916; The first Jewish Associate Justice of the Supreme Court, Louis Brandeis, was appointed.

1986; U.S. shuttle Challenger exploded 72 seconds after lift off, killing all seven crew members aboard, including school teacher Christa McAuliffe. 1999; The creation of Element 114 is announced by scientists. 2003; In his second State of the Union Address, President Bush presents case for war with Iraq.

Picture Of The Day: There's just something about giraffes that has always fascinated me, especially in the case of this newborn calf.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today. 2) The condensed history of a divorce: A do, I do, Adieu. 3) Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. 4) I'm not here right now. I've gone to go look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait. 5) Don't count your chickens and don't blame my cat. He has an airtight alibi.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 28th: Everything could go wrong today, including this horoscope. Tomatoes can be your best friend - go Red for the day (This horoscope is not sponsored by Heinz or the Communist Party).

Birthdays: My pals Alfred and Skip - Happy Birthday guys ! 19XX, Sir Henry Morton Stanley, explorer 1841, William Seward Burroughs, inventor 1857, Colette, novelist 1873, Arthur Rubinstein, concert pianist 1887, John Banner, actor 1910, Roger Vadim, filmmaker 1928, Alan Alda, actor 1936, Sarah McLachlan, singer, songwriter 1968, Elijah Wood, actor 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years.

While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy replied, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

A group of students were applying for medical school, but some were confused by the entrance exam. One of the questions was "Re-arrange the letters "P-N-E-S-I"  to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect. Those who spelled "spine" became doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Linda in Washington State for her contribution to today's stories.

A man is sitting in a bar drunk. He asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom at?" The bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right." All of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream coming from the bathroom and they wonder about what's going on.

A few minutes go by, and again, everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom. This time, the bartender decides to investigate and he goes into the bathroom to see what the drunk is screaming about.

He opens the door and asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You're scaring all my customers away." The drunk whines, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I flush it, something squeezes the my balls!" The bartender looks in and says, "No wonder! You're sitting on the mop bucket !"

A drunk stumbles upon a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher. I sure am."

The Preacher then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. The Preacher asks, "Have you found Jesus?" The drunk said, "No, I didn't." The Preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I did not Preacher."

The Preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the Preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

That's it for today, my little night owls. Remember, don't hate yourself in the morning, sleep until noon.

That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

I hate it when Sherry gets here first. She has to read me the script. Tell me the jokes, while trying not to laugh. So tonight since I am late, all I can say is I hate those mop buckets too!

Thanks for a good read, Except for the hairs on your tougue she done all right, but she laugh herself silly on that.

Linda's World said...

I love a freshly washed, fluffy cat!