Monday, January 14, 2013

There's One In Every Grocery Store

I have the innate ability to find the grocery store check out line that always has the weirdest person in the store. It is not an easy fete, but I am the champion.

On Sunday at 7 am, I once again located that particular person who evidently is the designated grocery purchaser for all the residents in the institution that she has been committed to.

I naturally look for the shortest line, but there is no particular way that one can recognize these creatures. To date, no one has ascertained from which rock these odd people crawl out from under. Once I choose a line and realize my poor choice, I am usually blocked in by two or three full grocery carts, replete with mischievous imps.

Naturally, these carts always have the entourage of little urchins, one of which mommy always chooses to load into the baby seat, despite the fact that the child is old enough to shave.

Trapped in line, my first indication that I was in trouble was when a rather lovely woman (always my downfall) seemed to panic when she couldn't find the separator bar, which defines where her order ends and mine begins (she literally turned to the next cashier and asked her for one).

Personally, I was rather sure the cashier could spot that imaginary dividing line where the flowering plants, organic foods, tofu and natural spring water stopped and the case of Corona beer, potato chips and deli fried chicken began. Then again, I am somewhat of a soothsayer.

As we progressed to the end of her order and the cashier announced her total, then, and only then did this nut job begin to dig into a purse so large it could have been used to carry her entire grocery order to the space ship. After searching for a while ostensibly to find her wallet and pay with cash, she pulled out a checkbook and began to write a check.

It was at that moment that I observed, "I guess this trip to the grocery store caught you a bit off guard, huh?" She glared at me and asked, "What do you mean?" I responded, "I probably would have put my checkbook at the top of that bottomless receptacle so that it would have been a bit easier to find. Let me guess, I bet it was hidden between the sleeping bag and the lawn chair, huh?"

As she walked away with a huff, with the bag boy in tow pushing her cart, I said, "Good luck finding your keys." She wasn't amused but the cashier and the surrounding shoppers seemed to enjoy the show.....

Sipping on his third glass of wine late on the sixth day, God put down his crayolas and admired his latest creation.

The News As I See It: California Governor Jerry Brown announced the state budget for next year is projected to net an $851 million surplus and this year they'll have a surplus of $785 million. It's a huge achievement for Governor Brown. Apparently you can get a lot done when you're not walking around saying "I'll be back" all the time.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton returned to work last week and as a joke, her staff gave her a helmet. This is the second time a Clinton in government has been asked to wear protection

A New Jersey gubernatorial political opponent is accusing Governor Chris Christie of praying for Hurricane Sandy. In response, Christie said the only weather-related thing he's ever prayed for is a Dairy Queen Blizzard."

American Express announced that it had to cut more than 5,000 jobs. Even worse is how they told their employees. They said, "American Express. Don't leave home."

New York Jet quarterback Tim Tebow is now selling his own line of headphones. You can tell they are Tim Tebow headphones. Once you hook it up to your iPod, it barely plays.

Sean Penn is in the movie "Gangster Squad". Penn is a villain who says crazy things and punches out good guys. I'm not sure what he does in the movie.

This Date In History: 1639; The first constitution of Connecticut, Fundamental Orders, was adopted. 1784; The United States ratified treaty with England ending the Revolutionary War. 1943; President Roosevelt and Prime Minister Churchill meet at the Casablanca Conference.

1953; Tito formally became the first president of the Republic of Yugoslavia. 1954; Marilyn Monroe married baseball legend Joe DiMaggio. 1963; George Wallace sworn in as Alabama's governor, promising "segregation forever."

1973; The Miami Dolphins became the first NFL team to go undefeated and have a perfect season by beating the Washington Redskins in Super Bowl VII. 1990; The Simpsons premiered on television.

2008; Bobby Jindal takes office as governor of Louisiana as the first elected Indian-American governor of the U.S.

Picture Of The Day: I believe I spent a bit too long in the produce section.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Love comes in all shapes and sizes. By the time love came to me, all the good shapes and sizes were taken. 2) My friend's mother-in-law is coming to stay with him for a week. He spent the day clearing out half of his closet so she would have a place to hang upside down and sleep. 3) The Red Cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan and Yemen.I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway. 4) A tree fell in the forest. A man didn't hear it. He's dead now. 5) Honesty is the best policy unless you want people to like you.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 14th: The temperature will affect you this week in ways that I simply cannot foresee. I believe it will be the kind of temperature that requires the movement of clothing, either on or off, because it will be either hot or cold.....or possibly somewhere in between. You and biscuits are going to be inseparable today.

Birthdays: My pal Andy - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Benedict Arnold, general and traitor 1741, Henri Fantin-Latour, painter 1836, Berthe Morisot, impressionist painter 1841, R.F. Outcault, cartoonist and illustrator 1863, Albert Schweitzer, Alsatian Medical Missionary 1875, Hugh Lofting, writer 1886.

John Dos Passos, novelist 1896, Harold Russell, soldier and actor 1914, Yukio Mishima, writer 1925, Julian Bond, politician 1940, Faye Dunaway, actress 1941, Shannon Lucid, astronaut and biochemist 1943, Maureen Dowd, journalist 1952, Steven Soderbergh, filmmaker 1963, Emily Watson, actress 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man and his friend were enjoying deer hunting Season in a rural area near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand.

The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known." The hunter shrugged, "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

Miss Annabell said, "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City. They have men there who kiss other men on the lips." Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my!" Miss Annabell said, "They call them homosexuals." The young girls fan themselves and say "Oh my! Oh my!"

Miss Annabell continued, "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!" The girls asked, "What do they call them?" Miss Annabell said, "They call them lesbians."

Miss Annabell said, "They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City." The young girls squealed, "Oh my! Oh my!," as they sat on the edge of their chairs and fanned themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they asked in unison.

Miss Annabell leans forward and said in a hush, "Why, when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There was a bit of confusion at the local Walmart store yesterday. When I was ready to pay for my purchase of a box of shotgun shells the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the manager about the anti-gun people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When her hysterical shrieking finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. I think they really need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer!

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a player who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching the news he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. Kaboom! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. Kablooey! Then he threw another at a passing car going 20 mph. Bulls eye!

The coach says to himself, "I've got to get this guy! He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football and the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the latest great hero of football and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. He says into the phone, "Mom, I just won the Super Bowl!" The old woman answered, "I don't want to talk to you. You are not my son!"

Th young player said, "I don't think you understand, mother. I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." His mother retorts, "No! Let me tell you. At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"

That's it for today, my little foxes. Remember, a government that robs Peter to pay Paul, can always depend on the support of Paul ~ George Bernard Shaw. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

I only come here for the education, but I did throw green tea through my nose about the tree in the forest.
Yeah, I join the feeling of up the creek without a paddle.

The read was great today. I started this last night for some reason, I don't remember finishing it...

But I do understand the dude getting beat up about the new bra, even at my age. LOL
Take care and be careful, Always remember that advice the Clinton's use about protection, better late than never...

Rose said...

Keep an extra paddle in the trunk of your car.