Monday, June 3, 2013

So My Cat Said, "I'll Have The Braised Veal"

Have you ever noticed that pet food comes with flavors such as "Braised Veal with summer peas" or "Steamed Tilapia and Tongol Tuna In Broth." My cat has no appreciation for fancy names, basically because he can't read. He is however, "telepathic" and knows to come running when he hears the can opener.

The age old adage that one should never go grocery shopping without eating first, applies as well when reading pet food labels. I once opened a can of cat food with a menu description that sounded so good, I tried a spoonful myself. It tasted like shit but really helped me with my hairball problems.

Pet food manufacturers could easily solve any problems one might have when selecting the product by simply labeling them beef, liver chicken or tuna, but those menu options probably wouldn't tickle your "Fancy."

Speaking of "Fancy", I always enjoy the commercial where the pet parents serve their white cat's food in a crystal glass along with a flower. Obviously they know nothing about cats because the first thing the cat would do would be to immediately knock the rose and the crystal over and eat the food. There is no need to describe how the white cat's face would appear after eating the food.

So, the next time you purchase pet food with a label like "Tuna in Crab Surimi consomme" or "Chicken with brown rice, sweet potato, egg, garlic and kale in chicken consomme", just remember that the description is designed for your taste. The pet really doesn't care.....

The News As I See It: According to the Boston Globe, Michelle Obama and her brood will stay on Martha's Vineyard for the summer. You can tell Obama is getting a little defensive. When a reporter asked him about the trip, he said he had no prior knowledge of the vacation, he just learned about it from the media.

Casual Friday in the Obama White House means they're casually going through every one's phone records.

You may have heard that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie recently had lap band surgery. Today the lap band snapped and killed five bystanders.

This Date In History: 1861; Stephen Douglas, U.S. politician, died. 1937; The Duke of Windsor (formerly Edward VIII) married Wallis Simpson. 1965; Maj. Edward White became the first U.S. astronaut to walk in space, during the Gemini 4 mission.

1979; The world's worst oil spill occurred when an exploratory oil well, Ixtoc 1, blew out, spilling over 140 million gallons of oil into the Bay of Campeche off the coast of Mexico. 1989; Chinese army troops head to Beijing to crush student-led pro-democracy demonstrations. 1989; Iran’s Ayatollah Khomeini died.

Picture Of The Day: I got an email from my brother Kirt's dog. He said I'm using too many cat pictures. Maybe.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Of course bears shit in the woods. Very few bears own a house. 2) I saw a squirrel get hit by a car today. The squirrel was ok and but I don't think he gave a shit that the Smart Car was totaled. 3) Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get. 4) You're 15 and miss the 90's? Yeah, I'm sure those were the best 2 years of your life.....shitting your pants and eating dirt. 5) The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That's 15 minutes, right? I didn't read too much into it, did I?.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 3rd: Deja vu is not a Thai dish that you had two weeks ago. Changing your love life can be done with pies, tarts and unleavened bread. However, I find that it's easier to forget eating that crap and go out and find love in the bars that you usually frequent.

Birthdays: My friends Jessica and Isabel - Happy Birthday girls ! 19XX, Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederacy 1808, Henry James, philosophical theologian 1811, Raoul Dufy, painter 1877, Josephine Bake,r dancer and singer 1906, Tony Curtis, actor 1925, Curtis Mayfield, singer-songwriter 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown with an old friend. He has lived in for his whole life and as he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing....

He says to his friend, "I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"

He continued, "I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"

The old man went on, "I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!" "But you screw one goat......."

A guy was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, 'Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget the college tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.'

The father continued, "Then she said, 'Sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any one that wants it'."

His friend said, "Holy Cow, she actually said that?" The father said, "Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said, 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend Mohamed. We're going to work together with Obama to elect Hillary Clinton in 2016'."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in their order of appearance: 1) a woman 2) a donkey 3) a shovel 4) a fish and 5), a Star of David' They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old.

They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.

The president of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if they had a famine hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the president smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations." Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word."

The old man continued, "The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, while you've been 'reading' and 'interpreting' these inscriptions from left to right, everyone knows that the Hebrews would have written from right to left. Now, look again. It says, 'Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that woman!'"

The preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that little Johnny happened to be manning. The preacher asked, "This mower work, son?" Little Johnny said, "It sure does. You have to pull hard on the cord, though."

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Incensed and thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to little Johnny's house.

He said to little Johnny, "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough." Little Johnny said, "Well, you need to curse at it sometimes." The preacher was aghast. He said, "I have not cursed in twenty years!" Little Johnny said, "Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher, it'll come back to you."

That's it for today, my little razz berries. Remember, I don't know why it's a total shocker for some people that they actually have to pay for things when they get to the register. Yeah, go ahead lady, dump your purse on the counter. We'll wait..... More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

I can remember when the pet food came in a can that said: Dog (or Cat) Food. I tasted it, and me and my dog thought it was okay. I reckon dem names must really change the flavor to $h--!

I noticed that Stephen Douglas died in 1937, Since Michael announced his disease and the cause of it, to the world, now Imma wondering what killed the other Douglas? Just askin’.

I am also proud that the young lady knew short hand so well, she said a whole lot in one sentence that included Mohamed & Obama!
Nite and thanks for a good fun read.