TV Commercials For The Hard Of Understanding

How many times have you been watching a television commercial for some piece of crap and they say, "A $200 value." Really? By whom? Then, they cut the price of the item from $200 to $19.95. Another phrase you hear is, "But wait! There's more!" Well, they're right, there is more.

They proceed to tell you that they will give an additional product for the same price. Then comes the hook, "Just pay separate shipping and handling." By the time you finish, you're paying through the nose. Sometimes, they give you a guarantee. Guess what? It costs less than $200 to form a corporation and your guarantee dies the same day the corporation is abandoned.

The old "Not sold in stores" line is used a lot. It's not sold in stores because the product is usually a piece of crap the store wouldn't sell anyway. The trick to discovering the "hooks" in advertising is to listen to or read the information carefully.

One of my favorites is the many clothing stores which always run ads touting "buy one suit and get one free." The hook is the offer is on "most suits".

Translation? Suits and clothing manufactured by Armani, Gucci, Givenchy, Pierre Cardin and other designers are not part of the sale. The reason? The designer suits cost between $500 to $1,500 dollars. Your sale suit designer will be Roy Rogers. You can get the same quality level of the "buy one, get one free" suits by going to Sears or JCPenney.

I don't trust attorneys who advertise. You rarely see advertising by any attorney worth his salt on TV. One of the TV hooks is "you don't pay unless we win your case." Big deal! Any attorney listed in the yellow pages goes by the same rule. It's not an isolated nor exclusive offer.

Attorneys say you can come in for a free consultation. This is true, but it helps the attorney determine if he'll make money with your case. If not, they show you the door. The real hook? They get 33 and 1/3 percent if they settle out of court and 50 percent of the proceeds if they win. Such a deal.....!

The use of black actor placement in TV commercials has tripled since Obama was elected. My assumption is that Madison Avenue advertising executives figure that if America was stupid enough to elect Barry Obama, they'll buy just about any piece of shit that includes a black character.

My favorites are the two Obama looking spokesmen who represent All State and State Farm insurance companies. They're always solving problems for stupid white people, who for some reason, are unable to understand life or make decisions by themselves since Obama was elected.

Based on these observations and poor Republican candidate options, the TV advertising base after the 2016 presidential election will be represented by stodgy old fat women wearing pants suits.

Oh, and before I forget, any site that claims to speed up your computer (PCmatic, My Clean PC, Rotorooter your PC, Kiss my Lily White PC, et al) are out and out ruses and scams aimed at the hard of understanding.

The bottom line? As advertisement goes, don't believe anything you hear and half of what you see and chances are, you'll save yourself a lot of time and money.

Question: If you put a cup in a cupholder and a toothbrush in a toothbrush holder, what do you put in an Eric Holder? Answer: Sodium Pentathol 

The News As I See It: Monday was Memorial Day, a day when we honor men and women who've defended this country. To them I say thank you. And every year, we as Americans celebrate Memorial Day the best way we know how......by having sales at mattress stores and car dealerships.

There are reports that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un may have another child with a woman who is not his wife. People say the baby looks just like him – though in fairness, pretty much all babies look just like him.

Lately, Obama cannot swing a dead cat without hitting some sort of scandal. Which reminds me, what's he doing with all of these dead cats? 

This Date In History: 1765; Patrick Henry bitterly denounced the Stamp Act in the Virginia House of Burgesses. 1790; Rhode Island became the 13th state in the United States, the last of the original colonies to ratify the Constitution.

1848; Wisconsin became the 30th state in the United States. 1917; John F. Kennedy was born in Brookline, Massachusetts 1942; Bing Crosby recorded his version of “White Christmas.” It would go on to sell over 30 million copies.

1953; Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay became the first to reach the summit of Mount Everest. 1990; Boris Yeltsin was elected president of the Russian republic by the parliament.

Picture Of The Day: Technically, not a picture, but it sure makes things abundantly clearer.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My girlfriend and I are re-enacting "Titanic". We're at the part where Rose is naked on the couch. I can't draw well. I think my pencil may be out of lead. 2) The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over. 3) Word of the day: exhaustipated.....too tired to give a shit. 4) If a tree falls in the forest and my girlfriend's not there to witness it, it'll be my fault when I get home. 5) The doctor said, "I'm sorry sir, your mother-in-law didn't make it." I answered, "Was it the lack of prayers on Facebook?" The doctor replied, "Yes sir, I'm afraid it was".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 29th: Dogs will find themselves inexplicably attracted to your shins this week. You might see a waning of your libido after your partner decides to shave their hair. Despite this, seek solace in the bosom of your loved one. If your loved one has a particularly ample bosom, be aware that there might be others already in there.

Birthdays: Patrick Henry, statesman 1736, Bob Hope, American comedian 1903, T. H. White, author 1906, John F. Kennedy, 35th President of the United States 1917, Al Unser, Sr., auto racer, Indianapolis 500 winner 1939, Melissa Ethridge, musician 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old couple went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. The patient had purple hair, plus a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so the nurse scheduled immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the surgeons noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and just above it there was a tattoo which read, "Keep off the grass."

After the surgical procedure was completed, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven."

The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets." So the little boy put his hands in his pockets.

Then his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?" The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

He said, "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. I'm with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure.....cross my heart"

Ten minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had enough and leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed." Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

I'm done for today, my little primroses. Remember, a true dilemma is when your fifteen-year-old daughter brings home a guy with a rainbow colored Mohawk hairdo, but your garden is already completely full of corpses. Time to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

That's it for now (*joke text is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were used to test the hilarity of these jokes; no salt, MSG, artificial color or flavor added*).  More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !