What's For Dinner, Mom?

That question was rarely asked in my day as my parents cooked what they could afford and what they thought was best. As a rule it was always good, especially Dad's fried chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy.

On the other hand, there were those days of liver and asparagus which I abhor to this day. Fortunately, my dog Beannie could catch food when you threw it to him, so I'd start by throwing a piece of liver followed by a piece of asparagus which he gulped down before he could spit it out. I often thought that he licked his ass afterward just to get the taste of asparagus out of his mouth.

Dad was the chef in the family as that was his trade when he was in the U.S. Coast Guard during World War II. Dad taught my mother to cook and all three children as well. Brother Kirt was the one who ended up being an excellent chef and ofttimes cooks for over 100 people.

I fondly recall those days around the dinner table. Either Mom or Dad cooked and the children were always served first. There wasn't any ornate dishware, mostly Melmac plates and old jelly glasses. Nothing matched. We didn't know the difference anyway and we were there to eat, not admire dishware. (I quickly learned about the cost of good dishes after my first marriage. What impressed me the most was that everything matched).

During dinner, food was served from the pan or pot to the plate in an amount decided upon by whichever parent was cooking. The phrase "pass the potatoes" (or the like) was never needed.

Probably the most entertaining part of the evening, (usually when Mom was cooking because Dad wouldn't stand for any shenanigans) was when we tried to make each other laugh (which was taboo). This was usually done by dropping food in one an other's milk or the like.

The funny thing about life is that we didn't really know we weren't rich (though I began to suspect it after we moved from a house and the owner tore it down). Those days were, indeed, the good old days and we never really knew it until we became adults, got jobs and had to pay our own way.......

The News As I See It: The new iPhone is coming soon. It's going to have a new feature that actually keeps track of your every movement. Obama is like, "Right, new feature."

Congratulations Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You are about to become the English language's most offensive C-word.

Details are slowly coming forward about James Dimaggio who kidnapped Hannah Anderson and killed her mother and brother. . The family of kidnapping of the murder suspect James DiMaggio believes that he may be the father of Hannah Anderson and her slain 8-year-old brother. I have mixed feelings about the relationship between Dimaggio and Hannah. Time will tell. 

This Date In History: 1680; Pueblo Indians drove out the Spanish and took possession of Santa Fe, New Mexico. 1831; Nat Turner led an insurrection of slaves in Virginia. 1858; The famous debates between Senator Stephen Douglas and Abraham Lincoln began in Illinois.

1911; The Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre museum in France by an Italian waiter, Vicenzo Perruggia. 1940; Russian revolutionary Leon Trotsky died in Mexico City. 1945; Harry S. Truman announced the end of the Lend-Lease Program. 1959; Hawaii became the 50th state in the United States.

1983; Corazon Aquino's husband Benigno, who was Philippine president Ferdinand Marcos's chief political opponent, was assassinated. 1991; Latvia declared its independence from the Soviet Union.

Picture Of The Day: Beautiful Lake Come, Italy......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it's because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager. 2) If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards, I just get in the back seat. 3) Is it me, or is that Gerber's College Fund commercial a bit out of touch with reality? 4) No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas. 5) My ex-mother-in-law is nearly 80 and she still doesn't need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 21st: Three times a lady is a hell of a lot of lady, you might think. But later on this week you might think, "Well, that could be a fairly standard amount of lady." And if you think that, well then I will have done my job. The best way to fool a man into giving away a biscuit is to let him know that you know where it's been. Don't give any details, just let it casually be known that you "know where it's been."

Birthdays: My friends Linda and Melyssa - Happy Birthday Ladies 19XX, Philip II, king of France 1165, Count Basie, jazz pianist 1904, Wilt Chamberlain, basketball player 1936, Archie Griffin, football running back 1954.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

Little Johnny was walking down the sidewalk one day and an old man was sitting on his front porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair. The old man said, "Whatcha got there son?" Johnny said, "Got me some chicken wire."

The old man asked, "Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire son?" Johnny said, "Gonna catch me some chickens!" The old man said, "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked on down the street.

About a half hour later Johnny came back passing the old man's front porch with 3 chickens entangled in the chicken wire! The old man was shocked and couldn't believe his eyes. About a half hour later, Johnny was again walking past the old man's porch.

The old man asked, "Whatcha got now son?" Johnny said, "Got me some duct tape." The old man asked, "And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape?" Johnny said, "Gonna catch me some ducks!" The old man said, "You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking.

About a half hour later, back comes Johnny with 3 ducks tangled in the duct tape. Again, the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief. A little later, Johnny again was passing the porch. The old man asked, "Whatcha got now son?" Johnny said, "Got me some pussy willow.' The old man said, "Wait right there 'til I get my shoes on."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Mike and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. She said, "This is the 21st century. We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, "Top O' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?" She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?" She replied, "No, not yet, Father." The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband." She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles. Ten in all." The Father said, "That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?" She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin candle....."

That's it for today, my little rug rats. Remember, if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around "the law". Take it from me, judges don't like it. As Mr. Rogers says, "It's a lovely day in the neighborhood, especially in AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !