Friday, May 31, 2013
On Wednesday, Russian scientists reported that they had extracted blood from a 10,000-year-old woolly mammoth carcass discovered frozen in the Arctic. The researchers estimated that the prehistoric mammal was about 60 when it died, according to North-Eastern Federal University in Yakutsk.
The mammoth was found in a remote location in the New Siberian Islands in the Arctic Ocean, where temperatures can dip to minus 14 degrees (Fahrenheit). It is believed that the mammoth fell into water or got bogged down in a swamp, could not free itself and died.
Due to this fact, when the team broke the ice around the lower part of the mammoth's belly, they were surprised to see dark, thick blood flow out.
Also recovered with the mammoth was a female, believed to be it's owner. After tracing the bloodline, it is believed that the extended family relationship was that of my ex-mother-in-law.
After responding to a letter that I wrote to the University, Experts now agree that the mammoth did not fall into the swamp. It is believed that it could not take any more of it's owner's constant blabbering and committed suicide by jumped into the ocean, dragging my ageless great (to the tenth power) ex-mother-in-law with it.
The News As I See It: Last night was the finals of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. The finals were broadcast on ESPN. You'd think something like this would be on The Learning Channel. Then again, you'd think The Learning Channel wouldn't show "Honey Boo Boo."
Tuesday was the 60th anniversary of the first two men climbing Mount Everest, Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay. Everest is the world's tallest mountain at 29,000 feet. The top of Mount Everest is called the death zone. If you stay there, your body doesn't get enough oxygen. You can quickly spiral into a black depression that feels like you're dying while still being conscious. There's a similar place in California called Los Angeles.
Over Memorial Day weekend, "Fast and Furious 6" made a gazillion dollars. The star of these movies is Vin Diesel. In the new movie, Vin and his crew come out of retirement for "one last job." Which, if I'm not mistaken, is what they did in the last two movies and probably the next two as well. The movie also stars Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. The dialogue was in incomprehensible gibberish with English subtitles.
This Date In History: 1790; The first U.S. Copyright Law was enacted, protecting books, maps, and other original materials. 1889; Heavy rains caused the South Fork Dam to collapse, sending 20 million tons of water into Johnstown, Pa. Over 2,200 people were killed and the town was nearly destroyed.
1911; The hull of the Titanic was launched in Belfast. At the ceremony, a White Star Line employee claimed, "Not even God himself could sink this ship." 1961; South Africa became an independent republic.
1962; Former Gestapo official Adolf Eichmann was hanged in Israel. 1970; An earthquake in Peru left more than 50,000 dead. 2004; Alberta Martin, 97, one of the last widows of a U.S. Civil War veteran, died. She had married Confederate veteran William Martin in 1927 when she was 21 and he was 81.
2010; Nine people are dead after an Israeli navy commando attacks a flotilla of cargo ships and passenger boats on their way to Gaza to provide aid and supplies for the area.
Picture Of The Day: Forget Darwin, all men know where we come from.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend's resolution this year was to learn Spanish. I asked him how long he's been at it and he said, "dos weekos". 2) Where do I indicate on my donor card that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?” 3) What am I gonna do with a river? Could you cry me a beer? 4) I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck. Now I have to pretend I was break dancing at my bank. 5) Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 31st: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the love that you hold in your heart. This may cause your teeth to hurt as well. Spiders have feelings....an undeniable, but ultimately useless fact when the vacuum cleaner strikes! Do not trust a naked bus driver!
Birthdays: Walt Whitman, poet 1819, Norman Vincent Peale, clergyman 1898, Rainier III, prince of Monaco 1923, Clint Eastwood, actor, director, producer 1930, Joe Namath, American Player 1943, Brooke Shields, actress, model 1965.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16-gauge shotgun against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 shot in the groin. Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he regained consciousness....
And there was his doctor, Sven, who said, "Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of DA buckshot." Ole asked, "What's the bad news?"
Doctor Sven said, "The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena." Ole said, "Well, I guess that isn't too bad. Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" Doctor Sven replied, "No, she's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."
The old man said to his pal, "Shot my first turkey yesterday!" His pal said, "You? I didn't know you hunted." The old man said, "Yep, Got him on my first shot. Scared the crap outta everyone in the frozen food section, though."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn. He asked the doctor, "Why are all the blinds closed?" The surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him."
The officer continued, "Then, I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me To Sunday-School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally.....I assumed you had stolen the car.''
That's it for today, my little junebugs. Remember, single people always champion being single until they meet someone special. Then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus. I'm going to mosey on over to AREA 51 for happy hour. It's been a while since I last moseyed.
No animals were harmed in the composition and subsequent publishing of Jimmy's Journal, although the yippy little mutt next door is living on borrowed time.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
How many times have you been watching a television commercial for some piece of crap and they say, "A $200 value." Really? By whom? Then, they cut the price of the item from $200 to $19.95. Another phrase you hear is, "But wait! There's more!" Well, they're right, there is more.
They proceed to tell you that they will give an additional product for the same price. Then comes the hook, "Just pay separate shipping and handling." By the time you finish, you're paying through the nose. Sometimes, they give you a guarantee. Guess what? It costs less than $200 to form a corporation and your guarantee dies the same day the corporation is abandoned.
The old "Not sold in stores" line is used a lot. It's not sold in stores because the product is usually a piece of crap the store wouldn't sell anyway. The trick to discovering the "hooks" in advertising is to listen to or read the information carefully.
One of my favorites is the many clothing stores which always run ads touting "buy one suit and get one free." The hook is the offer is on "most suits".
Translation? Suits and clothing manufactured by Armani, Gucci, Givenchy, Pierre Cardin and other designers are not part of the sale. The reason? The designer suits cost between $500 to $1,500 dollars. Your sale suit designer will be Roy Rogers. You can get the same quality level of the "buy one, get one free" suits by going to Sears or JCPenney.
I don't trust attorneys who advertise. You rarely see advertising by any attorney worth his salt on TV. One of the TV hooks is "you don't pay unless we win your case." Big deal! Any attorney listed in the yellow pages goes by the same rule. It's not an isolated nor exclusive offer.
Attorneys say you can come in for a free consultation. This is true, but it helps the attorney determine if he'll make money with your case. If not, they show you the door. The real hook? They get 33 and 1/3 percent if they settle out of court and 50 percent of the proceeds if they win. Such a deal.....!
The use of black actor placement in TV commercials has tripled since Obama was elected. My assumption is that Madison Avenue advertising executives figure that if America was stupid enough to elect Barry Obama, they'll buy just about any piece of shit that includes a black character.
My favorites are the two Obama looking spokesmen who represent All State and State Farm insurance companies. They're always solving problems for stupid white people, who for some reason, are unable to understand life or make decisions by themselves since Obama was elected.
Based on these observations and poor Republican candidate options, the TV advertising base after the 2016 presidential election will be represented by stodgy old fat women wearing pants suits.
Oh, and before I forget, any site that claims to speed up your computer (PCmatic, My Clean PC, Rotorooter your PC, Kiss my Lily White PC, et al) are out and out ruses and scams aimed at the hard of understanding.
The bottom line? As advertisement goes, don't believe anything you hear and half of what you see and chances are, you'll save yourself a lot of time and money.
|Question: If you put a cup in a cupholder and a toothbrush in a toothbrush holder, what do you put in an Eric Holder? Answer: Sodium Pentathol|
There are reports that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un may have another child with a woman who is not his wife. People say the baby looks just like him – though in fairness, pretty much all babies look just like him.
Lately, Obama cannot swing a dead cat without hitting some sort of scandal. Which reminds me, what's he doing with all of these dead cats?
This Date In History: 1765; Patrick Henry bitterly denounced the Stamp Act in the Virginia House of Burgesses. 1790; Rhode Island became the 13th state in the United States, the last of the original colonies to ratify the Constitution.
1848; Wisconsin became the 30th state in the United States. 1917; John F. Kennedy was born in Brookline, Massachusetts 1942; Bing Crosby recorded his version of “White Christmas.” It would go on to sell over 30 million copies.
1953; Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay became the first to reach the summit of Mount Everest. 1990; Boris Yeltsin was elected president of the Russian republic by the parliament.
Picture Of The Day: Technically, not a picture, but it sure makes things abundantly clearer.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My girlfriend and I are re-enacting "Titanic". We're at the part where Rose is naked on the couch. I can't draw well. I think my pencil may be out of lead. 2) The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over. 3) Word of the day: exhaustipated.....too tired to give a shit. 4) If a tree falls in the forest and my girlfriend's not there to witness it, it'll be my fault when I get home. 5) The doctor said, "I'm sorry sir, your mother-in-law didn't make it." I answered, "Was it the lack of prayers on Facebook?" The doctor replied, "Yes sir, I'm afraid it was".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 29th: Dogs will find themselves inexplicably attracted to your shins this week. You might see a waning of your libido after your partner decides to shave their hair. Despite this, seek solace in the bosom of your loved one. If your loved one has a particularly ample bosom, be aware that there might be others already in there.
Birthdays: Patrick Henry, statesman 1736, Bob Hope, American comedian 1903, T. H. White, author 1906, John F. Kennedy, 35th President of the United States 1917, Al Unser, Sr., auto racer, Indianapolis 500 winner 1939, Melissa Ethridge, musician 1961.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old couple went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."
A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. The patient had purple hair, plus a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so the nurse scheduled immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the surgeons noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and just above it there was a tattoo which read, "Keep off the grass."
After the surgical procedure was completed, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven."
The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets." So the little boy put his hands in his pockets.
Then his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?" The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.
He said, "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. I'm with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure.....cross my heart"
Ten minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had enough and leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed." Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
I'm done for today, my little primroses. Remember, a true dilemma is when your fifteen-year-old daughter brings home a guy with a rainbow colored Mohawk hairdo, but your garden is already completely full of corpses. Time to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
That's it for now (*joke text is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were used to test the hilarity of these jokes; no salt, MSG, artificial color or flavor added*). More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
Monday, May 27, 2013
Today is a special day to remember the men and women of the armed forces, both past and present, who have sacrificed themselves to insure that Americans continue to be free. Please take the time to remember these soldiers, not only today, but each and every day each year.
On a more personal note, I take the time today to appreciate my father who served his country in World War II and the small fact that he and my mother managed to raise three children past the age of 21 with no apparent shortcomings.
I would also like to recognize my brother Kirt and all of my friends and fellow soldiers who have done their part in serving this nation.
The News As I See It: Time magazine released a picture of a 17-year-old Obama with his prom date. They would've published a picture of Joe Biden with his prom date, but Biden's mom didn't want to be photographed.
During recent congressional hearings, Senator John McCain asked Apple CEO Tim Cook why the apps always need to be updated. McCain also wanted to know how often he should feed Siri.
A woman in New Jersey found her missing dog after she grilled pork in her backyard and he came home because of the smell. Unfortunately, he was immediately shoved out of the way by Governor Chris Christie.
Former Congressman Anthony Weiner officially announced in an online video that he is running for mayor of New York. Nothing says "I put my sleazy past behind me" like showing a video on the Internet at midnight. Weiner said, "Nobody will work harder to make it better", as opposed to his first campaign promise, which was "Nobody will work better to make it harder."
Everything is going bad for Obama with Benghazi and all the other controversies. He's trying to turn things around. He's sending in SEAL Team 6 to bring back Justin Bieber's monkey and if SEAL Team 6 doesn't work, he's sending in Dennis Rodman.
|When planting cats, make sure you plant them six inches apart to grow|
1937; Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco opened. 1941; British ships sank the German battleship Bismarck off the coast of France, resulting in the loss of 2,300 lives. 1994; Nobel-prize winning dissident, Alexandr Solzhenitsyn returned to Russia after 20 years in exile.
1996; After a year and a half of bloodshed, Russian President Boris Yeltsin met with the leader of the Chechen rebels and negotiated a cease-fire. 1999; Slobodan Milosevic was indicted by the International War Crimes Tribunal at the Hague for crimes against humanity.
Picture Of The Day: A soldier's misfortune not only effects his life on Memorial Day, but each and every day for the rest of his life.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up. 2) My electric toothbrush broke so now I have to use my acoustic one. 3) Quit blaming your smart phone's auto correct. You meant to say "furbenglurbrn." 4) Nobody in this grocery store thinks I'm a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four. 5) Women who draw in their eyebrows are making a serious decision about what mood they're in for the rest of that day.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 27th: Live like you want and you will part this world a happier person, although there's a chance that you may spend a good deal of your life in jail. Your lucky horse for today is Sombrero's Lid.
Birthdays: Cornelius Vanderbilt, industrialist, financier 1794, Julia Ward Howe, author and social reformer 1819, Wild Bill Hickok, frontier marshal 1837, Dashiell Hammett, writer 1894, Rachel Louise Carson, biologist, author 1907, John Cheever, novelist 1912, Henry Kissinger, American political scientist and U.S. Secretary of State (1973–77) 1923.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. He asked, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?" She said, thoughtfully, "Well, I've always eaten moderately and worked hard. I don't smoke or drink and I keep good hours."
The reporter asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The elderly lady replied, "Well sure, but don't put that in your newspaper."
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now.”
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. The doctor said, "Do you enjoy it?' The woman shyly replied, "Actually, yes, I do." The doctor said, ''Does it hurt you?" The woman answered, "No."
The doctor continued, Well, then there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She said, "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The doctor replied, "Sure, where do you think people like Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Debbie Wasserman Schulz come from?"
Last summer, John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.
John said, "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I eat, sleep, think and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."
The woman says, "Well, as long as we're being honest with each other, here goes.....I'm a hooker." John was quiet for a moment, then he replied, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your left wrist straight on your follow-through."
A woman is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor.
She bumps into the resident golf pro, who says "What can I help you with?" The woman tells him she's been stung by a bee. The pro asks, "Oh really, where?" The woman replies, "Between the first and second hole." The golf pro says, "Your stance is probably too wide!"
I'm all in for today, my little hootin' nannies. Remember, whenever a bird craps on your car, eat a plate full of scrambled eggs on your front porch just to send out a warning of what you're capable of......
That's it for now. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
Friday, May 24, 2013
Today's rambling isn't a "When I was young, I had to walk in the snow for ten miles uphill, both ways, to get to school" story, but it recently dawned on me that, thanks to the Internet, most young people get a lot of their music free.
While I'm happy to get some of my music the same way, back in the day, I actually had to buy (really) my records. Making matters worse, prior to vinyl, most of the records were easily scratched or even worse, chipped or broken when dropped.
My first record player, not including the RCA Victor radio which belonged to my parents, looked like a boxy little suitcase. When you opened it, there was a turn table with one metal shaft. You put the 78rpm record on it and played one record at a time. The advent of the 45rpm record, popular in the 50s, required an apparatus which slid over the metal shaft. This, of course, was purchased separately.
The word "allowance" was not part of my parent's vocabulary back in the day. We were occasionally given "spending money" to do with as we pleased. The desire for new records and the lack of money to purchase them, inspired the creative part of my mind. Most of the kids in my neighborhood continually did odd jobs, especially mowing lawns, to earn money for the growing record fad.
I always had an aversion to hot sun and the cursed smell of grass that I had just mown. This caused me to employ another money-making enterprise. After school, I would go the nearest construction site and collect empty soda bottles which could be redeemed for two cents per bottle.
Yep, this was the way we got our music. The radio was always available but useless when trying to have music for a party. Kids just wanted to dance, not listen to intermittent radio ads. Things change.....
The News As I See It: Time magazine found a picture of Obama at his high school prom back in 1979. He and his friend are with their dates. Those Kenyan girls are very good looking. Michelle must be pleased to see Barry with a white chick.
In those days, Obama had to ask a girl for her phone number. He couldn't just illegally obtain it through the Justice Department.
White House officials continue to insist that Obama knew nothing about the IRS scandal until we all heard about it in the news last week. They said because there was an investigation under way, it would have been inappropriate to tell him. Besides that, he was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi.
It's not looking good for Obama. Today, his teleprompter took the fifth. In fact, the White House has changed their slogan from, "Yes, we can" to "No, I can't remember." Obama's got the Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal and the FBI wiretapping phones. He's in so much trouble politically, he's thinking about killing Usama bin Laden again.
During a recent Senate hearing, Senator John McCain said it was too hard to always have to update apps on his iPhone. No one has the heart to tell him the device he was holding was a garage door opener.
Anthony Weiner has formally announced he is running for mayor of New York City. He posted a video announcing it just after midnight, Right! Being online in the middle of the night has always worked so well for Mr. Weiner.
Vice President Joe Biden met with two undocumented immigrants this week to promote the new immigration bill. When they learned they had to sit down with Biden, they went ahead and deported themselves.
The latest Washington scandal is raising questions about the IRS. I have a question. Why is it called the Internal Revenue Service? How is having your money confiscated a service?
A Democratic congressman said that he worries that the IRS scandal might have a chilling effect on the IRS and that they might be afraid to audit people. So finally some good is coming out of all of this.
Amtrak trains may soon have special cars where passengers can sit with their pets. That will be awkward when you try to talk to your cat and he just slips on his headphones.
And finally, a man gave an Olive Garden waitress a $1,000 tip so she could take a trip to Italy. Isn't that nice? An Olive Garden waitress who dreamed of one day getting to try real Italian food.
This Date In History: 1844; Samuel Morse transmitted the first telegraph message, in which he asked, "What hath God wrought?" 1883; The Brooklyn Bridge, linking Manhattan and Brooklyn in New York City, opened to traffic. 1899; W.T. McCullough of Boston, Massachusetts, opened the first public garage. One could rent space for selling, storing and repairing vehicles.
1935; Major League Baseball’s first night game was played under the lights at Cincinnati’s Crosley Field as the hometown Reds defeated Philadelphia, 2–1. 1958; The United Press and the International News Service merged to form United Press International (UPI).
1976; The British and French Concordes made their first commercial flights. 2000 Israeli troops pulled out of Lebanon after 18 consecutive years of occupation. 2001; Vermont senator James Jeffords quit the Republican Party and became an Independent, giving Democrats control of the Senate.
Picture Of The Day: This picture is indicative of the reason why all of us will be able to celebrate and enjoy Memorial Day weekend. Remember the men and women of all the military services, both past and present, who have made the ultimate sacrifice for America.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The next time someone on a plane reclines their seat into you, pull them back even further and whisper in their ear, "Keep going." 2) An obnoxious little boy was screaming in the Publix store today because his mom wouldn't buy him a Snickers bar. He pissed me off so much that I bought one and ate it in front of him. 3) If your smart phone gets wet, put it in a bag of dry rice. Then at night, the rice will attract Asians and they will fix all your electronics for you. 4) Sometimes I like to pretend an "!" is just a "?" squeezing through a tight space. 5) Contrary to the Country-Western song lyrics "Jesus Take The Wheel", it is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, he doesn't just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 24th: Feeding stray cats may seem important to you today in order to get a feeling of self worth and satisfaction. Do be careful of squirrels as they have been known to want to nest in your hair. Disregard this warning if you are bald.
Birthdays: Jean Paul Marat, revolutionary 1743, Queen Victoria (Alexandrina Victoria), queen of Great Britain and Ireland (1837–1901) and empress of India (1876–1901) 1819, Lillian Gilbreth, engineer 1878, Mikhail Aleksandrovich Sholokhov, novelist 1905, Bob Dylan, singer 1941.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older American woman of 40 wanted to get married, but she was only willing to marry a man that had never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
She asks, "What happened?" Her new husband said, "I've never been with a woman, but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
The Catholic Church requires women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informed her that she could not enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head.
The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing a blouse." The woman replied, "But Father, I have a divine right !" The priest says, "I can see that and your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church."
|I've come to the conclusion that Eric Holder is to Obama as Stedman Graham is to Oprah|
One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of tennis shoes. His buddy looked at him and said, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't outrun the bear!" The hunter said, "I know, all I have to do is outrun you!"
A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally settled on a parrot that was perched in the back of the store for $50. She asked the shopkeeper why the parrot was so cheap. The shopkeeper said, "Well, to be honest, the bird's last owner was a madam at a whorehouse. He occasionally makes off color remarks that may offend some people."
Thinking that the price was right and she could handle anything he might say, she took him. When she got home she set the bird down on the table. He looked around and said, "New house, new madam." The woman thought, "That's not so bad."
A little while later, her daughters got home from school and the parrot spoke again, "New house, new madam, new whores." Even though she felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either.
Later that evening, her husband Robert came home. The parrot said, "Hi Bobby!"
Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." An elderly nun at the back of the room says, "Thank God, I'm so tired of Chardonnay."
That's it for today, my little muskrats. Remember, public transportation helps the environment. It also makes you hate the human race. It's happy hour time in AREA 51 and that's where I'm heading.
Have a great and safe Memorial Day weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
The recent tragedy and loss of life caused by the massive tornadoes in Moore, Oklahoma leads me to ask why one of the schools did not have a tornado shelter or "safe rooms". Some have pointed to the cost, but these towns and cities could and should have started putting money away after the May 2nd, 1999 tornado.
(The paths of destruction of the May 2nd, 1999, tornado ((above left)) taken by tornadoes from the air over Moore and a view of the May 21st, 2013 path).
At the very least, if the city has able bodied men who own shovels, half the battle has been won. Digging a hole, pouring a foundation, erecting walls and roofing same are not costly, in retrospect, when you compare it to the pain of the injuries and lives lost by having nothing.
Perhaps there will be lessons learned from these devastating tornadoes and the heartaches that accompany them. My heart and prayers go out to the victims and families of this horrible disaster.
On a side note, reports are that some looting has already occurred in the stricken city of Moore. As far as I'm concerned, looters should be shot on sight.
The News As I See It: Anthony Weiner has announced that he is running for mayor of New York City. Aside from further proving he is a complete asshole by even contemplating the idea, it shows he has balls.....which I assume will be shown in his future tweets.
The $590 million Powerball jackpot over the weekend produced one winner. It was the biggest single jackpot since Tiger Woods' divorce. It turns out the winning ticket was apparently sold in a town called Zephyrhills, Florida. In a related story, Florida residents are getting an unusual volume of calls from their grandkids today.
Obama has had a rough couple of weeks with the big Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal and the phone tapping scandal. Despite the scandals, 53 percent of Americans say they approve of the job he's doing. The other 47 percent are being audited.
The White House scandals are not going away any time soon. I’ll tell you how bad it’s looking for Obama. People in Kenya are now saying he’s 100 percent American.
Justin Bieber received multiple honors at the Billboard Music Awards. He won for best male artist. I can count three lies in the title of that award. Bieber actually said he's an artist.....in the same way the guy that makes my turkey sandwich at subway is an artist.
A Georgia college student was worried that his parents would be mad at him for flunking English. So he tried to fake his own kidnapping. The parents figured it out when the ransom note said, "We has your son."
Lamborghini is celebrating its 50th anniversary. Lamborghini is so freaked out by turning 50, it just bought itself a Lamborghini.
The heat wave is continuing. Today I was sweating like Obama at a news conference. There are warnings this could be a long, hot summer and they are telling everyone to cover up. You don't have to tell the Obama White House twice. They know all about covering up.
This Date In History: 1455; The first battle in the 30-year War of Roses took place at St. Albans. 1761; The first life insurance policy in the United States was issued in Philadelphia. 1849; Abraham Lincoln received patent number 6469 for his floating dry dock.
1927; An earthquake near Xining, China, measuring 8.3 claimed approximately 200,000 victims. 1947; Harry S. Truman's Doctrine brought aid to Greece and Turkey to combat the spread of Communism. 1972; Ceylon became Sri Lanka.
1972; Richard Nixon arrived in Moscow, becoming the first U.S. president to visit the Soviet Union. 1990; North Yemen and South Yemen merged to form the Republic of Yemen. 1992; Johnny Carson hosted the last episode of his Tonight Show. 2003; The UN Security Council approved a resolution lifting the economic sanctions against Iraq and supporting the U.S.-led administration in Iraq.
2011; At least 140 people are killed and hundreds more injured as a three-quarter-mile-wide tornado hits Joplin, Missouri. The tornado is among the deadliest in the nation's history, destroying nearly a third of the city and damaging about 2,000 buildings, including water treatment and sewage plants. 2012; Tokyo Skytree, which at 634 meters high is the tallest tower in the world, opened to the public.
Picture Of The Day: Pals.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Dating is good practice for parenting because you learn not to care when someone is crying in a restaurant. 2) When my girlfriend wants my opinion, she'll give it to me. 3) Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing, but definitely puts a smile on your face. 4) I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road, just in case they're in the middle of a race. 5) I bought a thesaurus at the store today. I brought it home and found that all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am......and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 22nd: The post-office is going to be lucky for you this week as a mystery package arrives for you that, for once, is neither ticking nor covered in mysterious powder. Loving care is something that people write on shampoo bottles. What you need is to go out for a few drinks.
Birthdays: Richard Wagner, composer 1813, Mary Cassatt, painter 1844, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, British author, creator of Sherlock Holmes 1859, Sir Laurence Olivier, actor 1907, Betty Williams, peace activist 1943.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A wife suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. The woman says, "Who is this?" A woman answers, "This is the maid." The wife says, "We don't have a maid."
The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house." The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?" The maid replied, "He is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife."
The woman is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?" The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the bastard and the witch he's with."
The maid puts the phone down and the woman hears footsteps and then gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?" The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "There's no pool here." A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 555-4821?"
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He said he knows you!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door. Then, they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."
Sonny's mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." The startled father said, But, why?" The wife said, "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."
Sonny said, "Well. I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door. Then, they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with Uncle John when daddy was away last summer."
When asked by a young patrol officer, "Do You know you were speeding?", an 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated, "Yes, but I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
The trooper says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" The priest says, "Just water." The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
That's it for today, my little mumble bees. Remember, a bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist. AREA 51 is my destination for happy hour.
That's it for now. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !