Obama - Putin: The Joust Continues

Russian President Putin still claims that Russia did not invade the Crimean peninsula. Ok, who are those armed guys, the neighborhood crime watch? Obama is steamed. He got Putin on the phone and said, "Hello, this is Adele Dazeem."

The big story is the ongoing situation in Ukraine, which has caused a lot of tension between the U.S. and Russia. But get this - NASA has announced that it will continue to work with Russia’s space program, even though the Pentagon has severed ties with the Russian military.

President Vladimir Putin is a goon, a stooge and a thug. Not only did he invade Crimea, but he shut down "Meet Russian Women.com." If you want to boycott Russia, do what I did. Switch to a domestic vodka.

Obama spoke about respect when talking about Aretha Franklin’s famed "Respect" song last Thursday night at the White House, but he clearly failed to show her that same respect when he spelt the name of her hit song wrong.

The White House hosted soul singers for a concert, including Aretha Franklin, who performed at the President’s 2009 Inauguration, Patti LaBelle, and Ariana Grande.

Obama told the crowd, "When Aretha first told us what R-S-P-E-C-T meant to her…" The crowd roared in laughter before allowing Obama to finish his introduction.

So, move over Vice President Dan Qualye (Potato-Potatoe), You've got company now...

The News As I See It: Osama bin Laden's son-in-law is on trial right now. He produced all of al-Qaida's videos. Not only is he on trial but he would like to let you know that the first season is available on Netflix. 

The annual traffic scorecard reports that Los Angeles has the worst traffic in America. Residents spend 17 hours more than average sitting in traffic. How can they have the worst traffic and the most high-speed chases? Wouldn't one cancel the other out?

Los Angeles has the worst American city for gridlock while Portland remains the best American city for dreadlock.

Staples is closing more than 200 stores, as part of a plan to save $500 million. Staples says the closings are due to low sales, cutbacks and the fact they're selling things people just steal from their office anyway.

This Date In History: 1629; Charles I of England dissolves Parliament and rules alone for 11 years. 1785; Thomas Jefferson is appointed minister to France. 1848; Congress ratified the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, ending the Mexican War.

1864; U. S. Grant became commander of the Union armies during the Civil War. 1876; The first telephone call ("Mr. Watson, come here. I want you.") was made by Alexander Graham Bell.

1948; The body of Jan Masaryk, Czechoslovakia's anti-Communist foreign minister was found. Officially a suicide, the real cause of death has never been proven.

1969; James Earl Ray was sentenced in Memphis, Tennessee, to 99 years in prison for the murder of Martin Luther King, Jr., in April 1968.

Picture Of The Day: This is Dr. Vivek Hallegere Murthy, Obama's Surgeon General nominee. He is the 36-year-old president and co-founder of Doctors for America, a group that advocates for Obamacare and gun control laws. The group calls gun violence “a public health crisis.” It pushes for Congress to ban “assault weapons” and “high-capacity” magazines and calls for spending tax dollars for more gun-control research.

The organization also lobbies for doctors to be allowed to ask patients, including minors, whether they have legal guns in the home. If the patient admits to having guns, Dr. Murthy wants doctors to “counsel them appropriately about safety measures.” Gun rights advocates and many families view this policy as a violation of privacy.

I'm beginning to wonder whether Obama purposely looks for for candidates of his ilk or just randomly looks under rocks.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I find it strange how, after they couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together, the King's men thought, "Let's give the horses a shot at it." 2) I'd bet that if Jesus had turned water into Vodka, the Bible would've been a lot more interesting. 3) I used to sanitize my kid's bottles and Lysol his toys. Then I caught him chewing on the dog's tail. 4) If you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, 9 out of 10 times the person who answers won't tell you what they're wearing. 5) I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 10th: The legend of the baked bean may trouble you today as last night's meal tries to catch up with this week. Today is not the day to guess whether it's gas or you need to go the the bathroom. It may become apparent today that you are gradually becoming your father. Do not ask a small child to pull your finger.

Birthdays: My friends Kathy and Shelley - Happy Birthday ladies ! 19XX,  Pablo de Sarasate violin virtuoso 1844, Lillian Wald social worker 1867, Clare Boothe Luce playwright and diplomat 1903, Sharon Stone actress 1958, Shannon Miller gymnast 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Dorothy and Edna, two senior widows, were talking. Dorothy says, "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to get your opinion about him before I give him my answer."

Edna replies "Well, he showed up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit and he brought me beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs to a limousine. We went out for a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert and after-dinner drinks. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!"

Edna continued, "So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an animal. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy asks, "Goodness gracious! So you're telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Edna answered, "No, Dorothy, I'm just telling you to wear an old dress."

 One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell on his nose. The bunny said, "Oh, please excuse me! I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see." The snake replied, "That's perfectly all right. To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

The bunny said, "Well, I really don't know. I'm blind and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!" The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

The snake replied that he didn't know and the bunny agreed to examine him. When he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?" So the bunny felt the snake all over and replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls. You must be a lawyer."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

In France, an Englishman was stopped by the French police who asked the gentleman if he had been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admitted that he had been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man and that he drank a few glasses of single malt and a few bottles of champagne at the reception.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeded to give him a breathalyzer test and arrested the Englishman. The policeman then asked the Englishman if he knew under French Law why he had just been arrested. The Englishman answered with humor, "No, but do you know that this is a British car and my wife is the driver on the other side?"

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

Down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

That's it for today, my little chipmunks. Remember, fingerprints are proof that God doesn't trust us.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !