Wednesday, March 12, 2014

The Difference Between The Sexes

Men, for the most part, are simple beings. They need only food, sleep and sex, in no particular order, to function. Women, on the other hand, are complicated creatures requiring special care.

The easiest way to understand this is to compare a thoroughbred with a mule. Both are useful and can function at their own level, but the thoroughbred is, by far, the superior equine.

Take sex, for example. Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Most men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

A man has, at most, six items in his bathroom:  A toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 137. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of short people living in the house.

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was General George Custer. A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Then, there's the subject of the length of time it takes both sexes to dress.....

The News As I See It: Global Warming is now being called "Climate Change" since the great lakes have almost completely frozen over and made the global warming scenario invalid. It's kind of like Obamacare now being referred to as the Affordable Care Act. Statistics point toward the fact that this name is also a misnomer.

This weekend marked the 55th anniversary of the Barbie doll. It's hard to believe that Barbie's 55 years old, but you gotta figure eight years of medical school, three years of law school, ten years of astronaut training - it all adds up. If you ask me she’s a little too old to be waking up naked on the stairs every morning.

Obama was paying tribute to Aretha Franklin when he messed up the spelling of her iconic song "Respect." Obama blamed his speech coach, John Travolta.

Over the weekend, North Korea held elections. Kim Jong Un was re-elected with 100% of the vote. Kim Jong Un credits his win to the slogan: Vote for me or you will be murdered. No one has ever won North Korea without winning Ohio. He humiliated his opponent Mitt Jong Romney.

Kim Jong Un was considering the slogan, "Vote for me or you'll be eaten by rabid dogs" but he changed his mind when he learned that it's going to be Hillary Clinton's slogan.

They arrested some guys for selling counterfeit ChapStick. I fell for the scam and bought some. I knew immediately it was counterfeit because the lid didn't come off in my pocket.

This Date In History: 1912; Juliette Gordon Low founded the Girl Scouts. 1930; Mohandas Gandhi began his 200-mile march to protest the British salt tax. 1933; President Franklin D. Roosevelt gave the first of his nation-wide "fireside chats" on radio.

1938; "Anschluss" took place when Hitler incorporated his homeland of Austria into the Third Reich. 1947; President Truman established the "Truman Doctrine" to aid in the containment of Communism.

1993; Janet Reno was sworn in as the first female attorney general of the United States. 1994; The Church of England ordained women priests for the first time in 460 years.

2002; The color-coded terror alert system was unveiled by Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge. 2003; The prime minister of the Serbian state (of Serbia and Montenegro), Zoran Djindjic, was assassinated.

Picture Of The Day: Why is this woman likely to be patted down by the TSA? I'll bet you spotted it right off. Her suitcase doesn't have a name tag.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) To those people who don't have a name for their newborn: What the hell were you doing for the past nine months? 2) Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them. 3) I bet those 300 Greek soldiers would have stood a better chance if they thought to wear armor instead of going to war in capes and speedos. 4) My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family, so I dated her sister. 5) Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris - rotate it and hope it fits in another slot.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopePisces - March 12th: Warning: The life you lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Discretion is advised. Feeding stray cats may seem important to you today in order to get a feeling of satisfaction.

Birthdays: George Berkeley, philosopher 1685, Vaslav Nijinsky, ballet dancer and choreographer 1890, Jack Kerouac, American writer 1922, Edward Albee, dramatist 1928, Andrew Young, politian 1932, Liza Minnelli, actress 1946, James Taylor, singer, musician 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here and it would only cost $150?"

The husband replied, "A long ago, a man died here, was buried here and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"

A Utah Mormon was seated next to an Irish Catholic on a flight back to States from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey and a glass of Guinness, which were promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drinks back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Jack for his contribution to today's stories.

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his fishing gear. His wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey,I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit fishing. Maybe you should sell your boat."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" Jim replied, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife." She screamed, "Ex-wife?! I didn't know you were married before!" Jim said, "I wasn't....."

 I woke up this morning at 8 am and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found ny girlfriend face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

I bought my girlfriend a hamster skin coat last week. I took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

That's it for today, my little puddy tats. Remember, ,money may not buy you happiness, but poverty won’t buy you shit. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Great lines tonight. When I read the question about the difference in the two I thought I knew... But I ain’t touching the male female ones on here. (But you are fairly close, smile!).
I read and passed Barbie waking up on the stairs naked. Then I came back and cracked up….
One of the best comparisons I have read, Global warming/Climate change and the Affordable Care.
You play well with Kim Jong uh or un.

I lost my green tea thru my nose, with the hamster bit.
Thanks for the entertainment. Sherry will be along in a few minutes and you are probably in trouble.
From this end of th Turnpike Sherry & jack

salemslot9 said...

hi Jimmy!
I was patted down
at the airport once
I had let my
driver's license expire
after my John
became my chauffeur ;)
please, give your Possum
a nice chuff from me xo

Paula said...

Yep lots of good ones here tonight.