Friday, March 7, 2014
The White House announced yet another change to Obamacare. They say people can now keep their insurance plans for two more years. When asked what would happen after two years, Obama said, "After two years, I don't give shit."
Okay, maybe Barry didn't actually say that but his actions sure the hell do. Barry Soetero (aka Barack Obama) makes changes to the law when he wants and no one is doing anything about it. Republicans are accusing Obama’s administration for making the change to help Democrats running for Congress seats in the upcoming election.
Senator John Thune (R-S.D.) said, "Each and every delay of Obamacare is an admission that the Democrats’ signature law is hurting Americans and an obvious attempt to try to save the jobs of vulnerable congressional Democrats."
The News As I See It: An anchor for Russia's state-owned news channel quit on live TV yesterday, saying that she doesn’t agree with the network's support of Vladimir Putin. In response, Putin sent her somewhere no one will ever see her again — CNN.
Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.
Because of Russia's actions in Ukraine, Obama is threatening them with economic sanctions. Obama said if Russia doesn't pull out of Kiev we're not going to let them borrow any of the money that we borrowed from China.
Meteorologists say 90 percent of the Great Lakes are frozen over (Where's Al Gore?). People from Chicago are being urged to stay off the frozen lakes, but if you want to see someone from Chicago in thin ice, just go to the White House.
Putin, while all this is going on, has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. People were shocked until they found out that the head of the nominating committee was Kim Jong Un.
And finally, John Kerry, secretary of state, visited Ukraine to meet with Adele Dazeem.
This Date In History: 1850; Daniel Webster gave a three-hour speech endorsing the Compromise of 1850. 1876; Alexander Graham Bell received a patent for the telephone. 1936; Adolf Hitler broke the Treaty of Versailles and the Locarno Pact when he ordered troops to march into the Rhineland.
1945; During World War II, U.S. troops crossed the bridge at Remagen, the first incursion into Germany by Allied forces. 1965; Peaceful civil rights demonstrators marching from Selma, Ala., are confronted with billy clubs and tear gas by police on the Edmund Pettus Bridge.
2004; V. Gene Robinson of New Hampshire was invested as the first openly gay Episcopal Church bishop. 2005; John R. Bolton was nominated by President Bush to be U.S. ambassador to the UN.
Picture Of The Day: And the beat(down) goes on. Russian troops take over Crimea.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Girls love guys with tattoos because it means they're willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives. 2) I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me and laughing. 3) I ran out of coffee this morning and beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today. 4) "Yes, I've been in love before. I've also had salmonella poisoning. What's your point?" 5) When someone texts "whatcha doin" after midnight the appropriate response is "someone else" even if you're just eatin' pizza all alone. and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 7th: You should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on you. This will help you piece together your twenties. Ketchup and Katsup are essentially the same thing.
Birthdays: Sir John Herschel mathematician 1792, Piet Mondrian artist 1872, Maurice Ravel composer 1875, Janet Guthrie auto racer 1938, Michael Eisner businessman 1942, Bryan Cranston actor 1956, Ivan Lendl tennis player 1960.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man mowed his lawn and after doing so, he sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. His wife walked by and asked him what he was doing and he said "nothing."
The reason he said that instead of saying "just thinking" is because she would have said, "about what?" At that point, he would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally, he thought about an age old question. Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, he have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for his conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University, has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops their nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
After the news conference announcing the invention, a group of men took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde and asked, "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."
The lawyer interrupted, "I didn't ask for any details. Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side."
Clyde continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."
Clyde said, "Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?' Now what the hell would you have said?"
(Obama): "Hello Amer- *feels a tug on his suit coat* (Obama): "What Joe?" (Biden): "What color should the lion be?" (Obama): "Yellow." (Biden): "I'm using green." *giggles*
Barack Obama walks into a New York bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says, "hey, that's cool ! Where did you get it?" The frog answers, "In Chicago, there's thousands of them up there."
That's it for today, my little mushrooms. Remember, if anything, the Mayans did teach us one valuable lesson. If you don't finish something, it's really not the end of the world. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !