Wednesday, September 10, 2014
I Think I May Need Professional Help !
Why? Because I'm an ice cream whore. I don't where I went wrong. My parents always taught me right from wrong and always bought generic neopolitan ice milk on payday. But I was never satisfied. Noooo! I wanted more....!
I moved from generic ice cream to the name brands of the day, mainly Bryers. They had exotic flavors and I was happy. But then someone came along with even better, more expensive, ice cream like Haagen Dazs and Ben and Jerrys. That's when I knew I had sunk to the lowest level.
Today was the day that I decided that I might need professional help. You might ask, "Why, Jimmy, why....." Why? I'll tell you why.....!
Tomorrow is grocery shopping day. I looked into my freezer today and I had two rib eye steaks, some hot dogs and six containers of ice cream (Four assorted pints of Ben and Jerry's and two half gallons of Edy's slow churned on sale BOGO). How sad is that? Almost no meat, protein...protein I say, and six containers of ice cream!
I'm making my grocery list for tomorrow. Of course, I'll be buying steak and chicken. I'll be buying dairy products and eggs. I'll stop by the deli for Boarshead sandwich meats and potato salad. I'm buying beer and wine. But I also find myself going through the weekly Publix flyer with an eye open for sales on.....yep, Haagen-Dazs ice cream!
Alas, it's really too late in life to change my wicked ways. I'll just have to live with the knowledge that I'm an ice cream whore. Oh.....and I'm also a lesbian.
The News As I See It: The new iPhone 6 and the iPhone 6 Plus (as in "plus another $100") came out yesterday. It's the iPhone 6 because that's how many minutes the battery will last. At the Apple store, the people waiting in line for the iPhone 6 were trampled by the people waiting for the iPhone 7.
Prince William and his bride are expecting her second baby. That's pretty quick for Kate to have a second baby. It's almost as if producing an heir is her job. The royal couple had to keep Kate's pregnancy secret from the rest of the royal family and that wasn't easy because Prince Charles is all ears. It's too early to speculate on names, but my money is on "Prince Northwest."
Ray Rice, whose NFL contract was terminated by the Baltimore Ravens for knocking out his soon-to-be wife in an Atlantic City casino elevator, is being removed from the "Madden 15" video game. A spokesperson said violence against women doesn't belong in “Madden 15.” It belongs in "Grand Theft Auto."
An English-speaking man went into a coma and came out speaking only Mandarin Chinese. On the bright side, at least he can find work.
This Date In History: 1813; Oliver H. Perry sent his famous message, "We have met the enemy, and they are ours," after defeating the British in the Battle of Lake Erie in the War of 1812. 1846; Elias Howe of Massachusetts received a patent for his sewing machine.
1939; Canada declared war on Germany, entering WWII. 1963; Twenty black students entered public schools in Birmingham, Mobile and Tuskegee, Alabama, after President John F. Kennedy sent National Guardsman to end the standoff with Alabama Governor George Wallace.
1988; Steffi Graf achieved tennis' first Grand Slam since Margaret Court in 1970 by winning the U.S. Open women's final. 2002; Switzerland became the 190th member of the United Nations.
Picture Of The Day: Kiwi fruit, raspberry, strawberry, cherry and orange on a bed of vanilla bean ice cream.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) As a child, my parent's menu consisted of two choices - take it or leave it. 2) God has a sense of humor. I can see him thinking: "I think I'll give mankind fingernails in case they have an itch, but I think it will be funny to put one spot on their backs that they can't reach."
3) My Masseuse read "Cinderella" to me ~ That's the last time I ask for a happy ending! 4) The drivers-education class in my high school only used the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays because on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the Sex Ed class used it.
5) If the inventor of the cellphone battery ever ends up on life support in a hospital, I hope the back up power source is a cellphone battery.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 10th: Stress may contribute to your foul mood today but do not fret as I may have a solution. Sex is probably the best stress reliever known to mankind. Beware, though, as I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be one hundred percent sure.
Birthdays: My friends, drag racing champion Darrell Gwynn and my bother-in-law Tony - Happy Birthday 19XX, William Torrey Harris, educator and philosopher 1835, Elsa Schiaparelli, fashion designer 1890, Arnold Palmer, golfer 1929, Charles Kuralt, television news reporter 1934, Roger Maris, baseball player 1934, Stephen Jay Gould, paleontologist and science writer 1941, Amy Irving, actress 1953, Colin Firth, actor 1960, Randy Johnson, baseball player 1963.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. After getting all the necessary gear together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!"
Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another. Again from the above, the voice bellowed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!"
The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!!."
She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?" The voice replied, "No, this is the Ice Skating Rink Manager...."
A middle-aged man met an older woman at a bar one night. She was rather attractive for her age and they drank and shot the bull for quite a while. Then, she asked the man if he ever had a mother and daughter threesome? The man said no.
They drank a bit more, then she said, "Tonight is your lucky night." They went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom, you still awake?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar, sees him and says, "Murray, I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you drink like this before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend, Morris." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
His friend says, "But, I'm your best friend!" The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles and then slurs, "Not anymore! Morris is!"
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, "Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and Daddy....." Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat and then Daddy....."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing and laying down on the seat.
Then Little Johnny says, ".....then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
That's it for today, my little hula hoops. Remember, the universe contains protons, neutrons, electrons and morons. Beware of the latter. I'm going over to AREA 51 for a little rest and recreation.....mostly recreation.
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !