Monday, September 8, 2014
NFL: Dolphins Win - Baltimore Ravens Terminate Ray Rice
The NFL season is here. The Miami Dolphins struggled early, but came back in the second half to win. The big news today is that Ray Rice was terminated by the Baltimore Ravens and suspended indefinitely by the NFL after a video was released that appears to show the running back striking his then-fiancee in February.
The grainy video, released by TMZ Sports, apparently shows Rice and Janay Palmer in an elevator at an Atlantic City casino. Each hits the other before Rice knocks Palmer off her feet and into a railing.
An earlier TMZ video showed Rice dragging Palmer, now his wife, from the elevator at the Revel casino, which closed September 2nd. The Ravens said earlier Monday that they never saw the new video.
Hours later, they sent out a one-sentence release: "The Baltimore Ravens terminated the contract of RB Ray Rice this afternoon."
Crime in the NFl continues. A guy who plays for the Broncos, Wes Welker, has been suspended for four games for taking drugs at the Kentucky Derby. He finished sixth.
A glitch in the John Madden NFL game accidentally created a player who is 1 foot tall. Another glitch accidentally created an NFL player with no criminal record.
A new report out of Chicago reveals that the crime rate plummets during an NFL game, mainly because most of the criminals are either watching the game on TV or playing on the field.
Miami's 33-20 win over New England was sweet, but if they continue to fumble like they did Sunday, they will have problems. Maybe they should practice running carrying Nike shoes. Yep, the NFL season has arrived.....
The News As I See It: The White House has decided not to send Obama to campaign in battleground states because his low approval ratings could hurt Democrats. They’re sending him where he can’t do any damage or as it’s also known, "The Biden Circuit."
Prince Charles adopted a puppy. He has floppy ears and a big snout. I don’t know what the puppy looks like.
Obama says he won't be making any more public speeches in Texas. He claims every time he gets up on stage to make a speech, some South Texas cotton farmer starts bidding on him.
This Date In History: 1900; A hurricane struck Galveston, Texas, killing about 8,000 people. 1935; Louisiana Senator Huey P. Long, "The Kingfish," was shot and mortally wounded by Dr. Carl Austin Weiss, Jr.
1951; The San Francisco Peace Treaty was signed, formally ending World War II hostilities with Japan. 1952; Ernest Hemingway's Old Man and the Sea was published. 1966; Star Trek premiered on television.
1974; President Gerald Ford gave former President Nixon a full pardon for all federal crimes he may have committed while he was in office. 1998; Mark McGwire's 62nd home run broke Roger Maris' record of 61 homers set in 1961.
Picture Of The Day: One of my favorite works of nature, the elusive owlcat, whose distinct call is unmistakable... "Meow, meow meow!" "Whoo?" "Meow, meow, meow!!" "Whoo??" "Meow, meow, me....ah, forget it!"
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I tried out one of those Tempur-Pedic mattresses. The salesgirl asked me if I had ever slept on one before and I said yes. She asked me what my sleep position was and I said, "Normally, it's missionary." 2) I once saw six men beating up my ex-mother-in-law. My neighbor said, "Are you going to help?" I said, "No, six should be enough."
3) It's been said that only women gossip. That's not exactly true. How do you think guys and their buddies keep track of who's easy? 4) I once dated a blonde girl who thought "innuendo" was an Italian suppository. 5) My ex-wife always made sure to include something every day from the four basic food groups: canned, frozen, fast and takeout.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 8th: Romance is in the air today, just north of Kansas City. If you don't happen to be near Kansas City, then chances are you're going to strike out. However, wind directions can vary as much as the accuracy of these horoscopes, so don't panic yet!
Birthdays: Richard I, king of England (1189-99); third son of Henry II and Eleanor of Aquitaine 1157, Antonín Dvorák, composer 1841, Sid Caesar, comedian 1922, Peter Sellers, actor 1925, Patsy Cline, country singer 1932, Ann Beattie, writer 1947.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On a hot, dusty day, a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing and asked, "Whudd'ya do that fer?"
The cowboy said, "I got chapped lips." The old man asked, "Does that help?" The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
Three members of a golf club were arguing loudly while the fourth member of their group lay dead in a bunker. A club official was called to calm the row.
The official asked, "What's the trouble here?" One of the men replied, "My partner has had a stroke and these two bastards want to add it to my score."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde pushes her new Mercedes Benz into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says to the mechanic, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Joyce, Maria and Rachel haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Joyce arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Maria arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Joyce in a glass of wine. Then, Rachel walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Joyce explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton, she met and married Ted, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Ted is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.
Maria relates that she graduated from the University of Miami and became a surgeon. Her husband, Carlos, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.
Rachel explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jack. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jack can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Joyce blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Maria, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Carlos are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Rachel admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
That's it for today, my little kidney beans. Remember, lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !