Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Looking Forward to Thanksgiving Day
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day and I hope it's better than last year. Things were going great, everybody was joking and getting along. Then, I realized that I had picked up the wrong family at the airport.
I love Thanksgiving. It's that's special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to take one last look at their old cellphones before they buy the new ones on Black Friday.
Thanksgiving dinners take all day to prepare and are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-time takes twelve minutes. Coincidence?
They’re already playing Christmas music in the malls and on the radio. I still have a carved pumpkin in my window. They’re supposed to wait until after Thanksgiving Day to start with the Christmas stuff.
The human brain can only hear "Jingle Bell Rock" so many times before it orders the body to kill itself. I think this is a violation of the Geneva Convention.
Jimmy's Thanksgiving Turkey Recipe: Here is a turkey recipe that also includes a small amount of popcorn in the stuffing. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when the turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
Roasted Stuffed Turkey:
1 6-8 lb baking turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (Orville Redenbacher low fat)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt and pepper and roast for four hours, basting frequently.
Remove turkey, fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn and place back in oven with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open, it's done.
The News As I See It: Thanksgiving Day is tomorrow. In fact, today, five turkeys from America showed up at the Mexican Embassy seeking asylum.
In 1941, Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday in November would officially be observed as Thanksgiving Day — thus making it the last time Congress accomplished anything.
The traditional Thanksgiving began in 1621 and soon afterward, the Indians realized they had a failed immigration policy.
After signing a contract for $325 million last week, Marlins player Giancarlo Stanton celebrated with a $20,000 bottle of Champagne. So let the road to inexplicable bankruptcy begin!
Police in Israel seized dozens of weapons that had been disguised as Christmas decorations. Israeli police became suspicious when they saw Christmas decorations.
This Date In History: 1789; The first national Thanksgiving Day in the U.S. was proclaimed by President George Washington. 1922; Howard Carter and Lord Carnarvon became the first to enter the tomb of King Tutankhamen (Tut) since it was sealed in 1323 B.C.
1940; The Nazis began to force Warsaw's Jews to live in a walled ghetto. 1950; China entered the Korean War. 1975; Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme, a follower of Charles Manson, was found guilty of trying to assassinate President Ford.
1998; Tony Blair became the first British prime minister to speak to the Irish parliament. 2000; Katherine Harris certified George W. Bush the winner in Florida's presidential balloting.
Picture Of The Day: Ok, I'm hungry now. Let's eat!
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm celebrating this Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I'm inviting everyone in my neighborhood to my house, have an enormous feast, then send them to a reservation and take their land. 2) A vegan friend of mine went missing so I put her picture on a soy milk carton.
3) Vegans with children named "Hunter" are one of the reasons I lie awake at night. 4) A portmanteau is when you combine two words to make one word. A great example of this is Groupon, a mixture of grey and poupon. 5) My Uncle in Chicago was a staunch conservative and voted straight line Republican until the day he died. Now, he votes Democrat.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 26th: Eat light this Thanksgiving because you know how you stuff yourself. This year, the fair thing to do is a flip a coin for the drumsticks. That elbow you gave to Granny last year is still in the back of her mind which means she's out to get you. Hey, at her age, she's got nothing to lose. Forget romance, you'll fall asleep before any chance arises.
Birthdays: My friend Sunny - Happy Birthday girl! 19XX, Eugene Ionesco, French playwright 1909, Charles Schulz cartoonist 1922.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young first grade boy, after learning the story of Thanksgiving and how the Indians and the Pilgrims sat down together, climbed up into his father's lap and said, "Daddy, did you know that if we were Indians, you would be a brave and Mom would be a squawk?"
His father looked amusingly at his wife and replied (as he ducked), "That is the best description of your mother I have ever heard."
The Miami Dolphins football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." The turkey replied, "Forget the bonus. All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Martha had a parrot called Brutus, whose only problem was that he cursed something awful. Martha was having her in-laws over for Thanksgiving and so she needed to train Brutus quickly not to swear.
Just before her Mother-in-law was due, Brutus began to curse, so Martha put him in the freezer for 2 minutes to literally cool off. Then she opened the door and took out the parrot along with the turkey.
Martha said, "And have you learned your lesson about cussing?" Brutus the parrot took one look at the dead turkey and said, "I sure have and you can rest assured it will never happen again. I do have one question, "What did the turkey do?"
A couple was shopping at the mall on Black Friday and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.
Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him were he was. In a calm voice, her husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store. He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
My great-uncle once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. He changed my mind at the last minute, so he just flipped over and landed on his feet.
Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."
That's it for today, my little gobblers. Remember, tonight is the time to call your family and friends to apologize in advance for all the things you’re going to say tomorrow when you're drinking. AREA 51 is a bit "iffy" this evening, but one never knows, do one?
Have a great Thanksgiving and more on Friday.
Stay Tuned !