Friday, November 28, 2014

Turkey Hangover?

So you're feeling bloated today, eh turkey breath? I told you to eat small portions of everything, but noooooo, you had to (excuse the expression) gobble it up. But fret not, take a couple of Rolaids and prepare for more holiday dinners including Christmas and New Year's Eve.

The St Louis Post-Dispatch reported that two men indicted last week on federal weapons charges allegedly had plans to bomb the Gateway Arch and to kill St. Louis County Prosecuting Attorney Robert McCulloch and Ferguson Police Chief Tom Jackson.

Sources close to the investigation were uncertain whether the men had the capability to carry out the plans, although the two allegedly did purchase what they thought was a pipe bomb in an undercover law enforcement sting.

The men wanted to acquire two more bombs, the sources said, but could not afford to do it until one suspect’s girlfriend’s Electronic Benefit Transfer Welfare card was replenished.

An indictment, with no mention of bombs or killings, was returned in federal court November 19th and unsealed Friday upon the arrest of Brandon Orlando Baldwin (above left) and Olajuwon Ali Davis. Their addresses and Baldwin’s age were not available; Davis is 22.

So, you see, kids, if you aspire to grow up to be a Blank Panther, you must at least get a G.E.D diploma so you can earn enough money to buy bombs without using your "ho's" Welfare card. I'd also recommend making out your will.

The News As I See It: OBama announced his new immigration plan. Obama's favorite part of his new immigration plan is that he gets to emigrate to another country. He's tired of all the work.

Facebook is showing no sign whatsoever that they will ever leave us alone. They're developing "Facebook at Work." We already have a Facebook for people at work. It's called Facebook.....

After Obama announced his support for net neutrality yesterday, Texas Senator Ted Cruz tweeted that "Net neutrality is Obamacare for the Internet."

This Date In History: 1520; Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan passed through the strait which bears his name to the Pacific ocean. 1919; American-born Lady Astor became the first woman to take a seat on the British Parliament.

1942; Almost 500 people died in the Coconut Grove nightclub fire in Boston. 1943; Churchill, Roosevelt, and Stalin met in Tehran for their first meeting during World War II.

1964; The U.S. spacecraft Mariner 4 launched—on its way to the first successful mission to Mars. 1990; Margaret Thatcher resigned as prime minister of Great Britain; John Major took over.

Picture Of The Day: This little guy doesn't have a turkey hangover. In fact, he's just a rare and playful White Lion cub.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally. 2) I set my DVR to record "The Biggest Loser" and it keeps recording the Miami Dolphins football games. 3) I see nothing but continued growth and expansion for the foreseeable future...but enough about my diet. 4) "Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying my bills. 5) Life tip - Buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it's a gift.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeScorpio - November 28th: The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. I think the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests and stand toe-to-toe with the one that attracts you.

Birthdays: John Bunyan author 1628, Friedrich Engels socialist 1820, Anton Rubinstein pianist, composer 1829, John Wesley Hyatt inventor 1837, Henry Bacon architect 1866, Berry Gordy, Jr. record company founder and executive 1929, Randy Newman singer, composer 1943, Ed Harris actor 1950, Jon Stewart TV personality 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

A grouchy old woman awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. She asked the doctor, "Why are all the damned blinds closed?"

The doctor responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

Bill remembers that say when he ate too much of Monica's purkey

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her cell phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens intently as he lights a cigarette.

 In a cheery voice,she says, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye, see you Sunday."

She hangs up, and the man beside her asks asks, "Who was that?" She replies casually, "That was my husband telling me all about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."

A bride who got a little too drunk at her wedding reception was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their presents.

She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator.

She said, "...and finally, I want to thank my new parents-in-law for giving us such a beautiful perky copulator."

That's it for today, my little puppies. Remember, you can't fight progress, but you can unplug a lot of it. Too much turkey! Once again, my trek to AREA 51 for happy hour is "iffy".

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

I quit doing the hang over thing after leaving the Navy, I was no fun going to work Monday and being the only one hurting. No sympathy.
Hey, we went up in that St. Louis Arch, it would be no fun if someone blew that sucker while you wus up there. glad the guys's ho didn't have the welfare check yet.
Havbe a good week end.. Thanks for a good read.

BTW. I liked the jokes, specially the guy who was having a good time. (with the guy who had just had a good time)

Or something like that.

Woody said...

Hope you had a Great Thanksgiving and behaved yourself !!